Can't get over my EX

[gendao]

My ex girlfriend and I broke up about two and half months ago, and yet it feels like it was only yesterday. I don't understand why I can not get over her? I have tried everything, meditation, qigong, natural cures and the like. I am tired of pat answers from people saying "just don't think about her" or "don't worry about it". I mean if that was so simple to do, I would not be having this problem in the first place. The bigger thing is, I don't understand why I would even miss her at all, as she was horrible to me and treated my like shit. A few years ago I left my now ex wife and that was a relief, it was wonderful to get away from her, and she treated me like shit too, so I don't understand why I'm so hung up on this one.

 

I believe with all my heart that she has borderline personality disorder, and now she acts as though I'm evil and won't even speak a word to me, and tries to pretend she does not even see me if she has to walk by, and I just don't get it, as I had never tried harder to be there for anyone.

It's not your ex that you can't get over, it's your own internal beliefs creating this repeating pattern that you can't get over. Which she is only mirroring or triggering...

 

You are the common denominator to all your experiences in life. Start by questioning if perhaps YOU might have BPD, believe you're evil and can't see your real self?

 

Don't spit at your own reflections or smash mirrors - use them as tools to see and better yourself..

Edited September 15, 2012 by vortex

[Aetherous]

Ronko, sorry to hear. I hope you're able to maybe go live somewhere that's better, if that would help. Being stripped of what you thought was your life...it becomes clear that it's important to have a life of your own independent of any significant others. Stand in love, don't fall. Wish you the best.

[ronko]

Stand in love, don't fall.

 

Thanks turtle , i like that saying , very apt !

[Wells]

The bigger thing is, I don't understand why I would even miss her at all, as she was horrible to me and treated my like shit. A few years ago I left my now ex wife and that was a relief, it was wonderful to get away from her, and she treated me like shit too, so I don't understand why I'm so hung up on this one.

 

Why on earth would anyone miss someone so badly, who treated them so horribly?? She would hit, bite, scratch, and scream at me, and yet I just kept taking it and being kind to her back, and now she acts like I'm the devil? I just don't get it.

WTH? Which woman respects a man who lets himself treat like a door-mat by her and therefore doesn't even respects himself in her eyes? Answer: NONE! So concerning how she treated you you got what you deserved (in her eyes). Your reaction to her treatment (being nice to her) even confirmed that to her.

 

I believe with all my heart that she has borderline personality disorder, and now she acts as though I'm evil and won't even speak a word to me, and tries to pretend she does not even see me if she has to walk by, and I just don't get it, as I had never tried harder to be there for anyone.

The reason why she doesn't react to your attempts to speak to her now is that she interprets your feeble trys to communicate as begging for further beating...but that's beneath her or she's simply done with you.

 

Your solution: You need to become a member in the "Fight Club"!

 

 

Jesus Christ, dude! Get a grip!!! Be happy that this self/Ego-punishment is over!

Are you masochistic and searching those experiences? Because you say your ex-ex-gf treated you like shit also?

Or (because you got into a relationship with someone who had a major personality disorder in your opinion!) were you secretively acting like her savior and superior from above by constantly trying to "help" her? Because, I'm pretty sure she thinks she's perfectly normal...and maybe she is and you are the person with a problem! Maybe you have an inferiority complex and were trying to become the subtle dominate by convincing her that SHE's the person with a problem. So, her going crazy at you would be quite understandable for me! I mean, why would you want to have a relationship with s.o. who has a major personality disorder (or keep it after finding out)? All my alarm bells go off there, dude!

Edited September 15, 2012 by Dorian Black

[Aaron]

You seem to have the terrible sickness known as "weak Ego" ...quite common in this forum. Which woman respects a man who lets himself treat like a door-mat by her and therefore doesn't even respect himself in her eyes? Answer: NONE! So concerning how she treated you you got what you deserved (in her eyes). Your reaction to her treatment (being nice to her) even confirmed that to her.

 

 

The reason why she doesn't react to your attempts to speak to her now is that she interprets your feeble trys to communicate as begging for further beating...but that's beneath her or she's simply done with you.

 

Your solution: You need to become a member in the "Fight Club"!

 

 

Jesus Christ, dude! Get a grip!!! Be happy that this self/Ego-punishment is over!

Are you masochistic and searching those experiences? Because you say your ex-ex-gf treated you like shit also?

Or (because you got into a relationship with someone who had a mojor personality disorder in your opinion!) were you secretively acting like her savior and superior from above by constantly trying to "help" her?

 

Yeah, no woman wants someone that's sensitive and understanding, they want an asshole who drives a sports car and talks about sports and plays sports and beats them up now and.... oh wait, that's not true at all. Hmm... I guess this kind of logic could be attributed to testoteronitis or more commonly referred to as Male Assoholic Delusional Disorder. If someone you know suffers from this disorder call this number 1-800-Im-a-ahole immediately or just smack them upside the head and tell them to freaking come out of the dark ages... either treatment may work.

 

Aaron

[thelerner]

I'll go back to the original answers. It takes time. Your attempt at 'cures' may have extended the 'mourning' period. You keep focusing on her, that's got to stop, not with pills, potions or acupuncture, just get on with your life. Stay busy, try something new. Time will heal it. Keep your focus on something else as much as you can.

[Everything]

Take a pen and hold on to it. Determine the amount of effort that is required to hold on to this pen. Now let go of this pen, release your grasp unto the pen and determine the amount of effort it requires to let go of the pen.

 

You have now succefully mastered and been witness to your mastery over wei-wu-wei. I would say "be like water my friend" but in wei wu wei there is no becoming, there is only being. Allow me to reveal to you that you consist of mostly water.

 

You could be honest, which requires no effort and no action on your part. Take this honesty and call your girlfriend and be honest. Tell her you can't get over her, not because it is hard to let go of the pen, but because YOU DON'T WANT TO. Then hang up and practice more honesty.

 

Keep to the simple, play is the key to all things free.

Edited September 16, 2012 by Everything

[Birch]

This thread reminded me that men can be abused by women as much as the reverse. I read something recently about people's attempts to get validation ('resolve it this time') from their abusers (or someone similar, or from a similar dynamic). I think that's not very possible (after all, the person has abused you previously, why would they suddenly have a change of heart and treat you better now?)

 

Then there's the idea that attempting to resolve the 'issue' outside oneself is a way of avoiding looking within at one's own (now what that 'own' would be has been variously described as 'self', 'ego', 'responsibility' -all of which seem to me to carry consequences of all kinds, some positive, some negative, depending on how they are conveyed, not least of all, victim-blaming, and IMO/IME for someone already self-loathing enough to not walk immediately away from an obviously dangerous person, that's just a disaster waiting to happen.

 

My 2cts. Walk away. Go full no contact. Take care of yourself from the inside and the outside.

[et-thoughts]

-k-

 

everything and you have each a piece of the puzzle...

 

Calling the ex-girlfriend to tell her you can't get over her because you don't want to, DOES NOT means that you will consent to getting back together... it only recognizes the present situation to yourself and to others...Who knows maybe an honest call can change everything... YES practice more honesty... do you really don't want to let go of a certain situation... the fact that this situation keeps repeating indicates that there some attachment to such situation... and until one resolves the lesson the lesson will keep on presenting itself... walking away may from it may perpetuate repeating the situation again and again as much as walking into it and repeating the situation again and again...

 

The better solution involves just dealing with the person and situation by moving just right... move when one needs to move stand when one needs to stand while getting to where one needs to be...

 

'Keep to the simple, play is the key to all things free'.

[RiverSnake]

i found this video insightful

 

 

-My 2 cents, Peace

[et-thoughts]

i found this video insightful

 

-My 2 cents, Peace

 

OK rather than rip them from your memory... work with the memory in such a way as to let the baggage itself separate from you... one may be forced to have a memory of the event thought one has some leeway as to what memory it will be... its like with everyday event... one chooses what to make of them even though the events just happen... is it an opportunity, is it a problem, is it a challenge, was it luck, was it destiny...

[Aetherous]

et-thoughts,

 

Apparently you have never dated a succubus.

[et-thoughts]

et-thoughts,

 

Apparently you have never dated a succubus.

Prefer to have the female divine angels to a female demon while sleeping... and while awake... angels are much more fun, caring and loving... evidently everyone ought to act and seek protection from energetic vampires ... least by ones actions (inactions) one opens the door and invite them in... clean the house, cleanse the premises and set up the forcefields to ensure a safe-haven... oh and while we are at it lets make sure the forcefields entrap, confine and transform for good whomever or whatever touches it... as the forcefield keeps on expanding... and growing...

[daojones]

Hey dmattwads - I've been there, recently.

 

6 months later and I'm on the cusp of massive change and feel great, relatively. Ya, there were tough times, and still are, but I never would've imagine I could have grown so much so quickly. Hope you can do the same

 

Perhaps analyze your past relationships. My theory is that we attract who we really want. Perhaps there is that 'masochistic' side of you that is directing your consciousness. My ex was being emotionally abusive. In fact, I realized that most of the important women in my life had/were emotionally abusive. My eureka moment came when i was learning about the concept of shit tests in the pick up artistry (pua) community/industry/whatever - it's when women test your masculinity. I allowed women to walk all over me, when in fact this particular girl wanted me to tell her to shut up and sit down when she threw fits/was being abusive. I learned my needs are important and that I should do what it takes to have them met.

 

Now I am learning to connect with my masculinity and am growing tremendously because of it. Taking risks, living for myself, pursuing things that make me feel good, feeling emotions, connecting to my heart and body, and just living.

 

I advocate cutting all ties, no communication. You don't win by this. If you really want her back, then let her come to you. I had many times I wanted to contact my ex, but I knew it would be fruitless. She also treated me poorly, so the rational part of me was like why?!?! Part of the issue may be that you thought you needed her to be happy, I know I did. But the issue is if we neeed somebody else to make us happy, we will not have a good relationship and we won't be happy. When we are happy in ourselves, than we are ready to be happy in ourselves with another person. Kind of a paradox, but I think that's what works.

 

I personally enjoy a couple of alcoholic beverages, but not too much. Also, getting out there and trying to interact with other women may help, although I know it may seem not desirable at times.

[Jetsun]

That is a good point daojones, putting up with abuse more often then not isn't a good thing for the other person, usually what they really want is for you to set the boundaries and set what is and isn't acceptable so they can learn that themselves. Putting up with abuse just means nobody learns anything and the cycle continues. I believe most people are craving sanity and are often subconsciously looking for others to show them the way, which is essentially what psychotherapy tries to do as you enter a relationship with a therapist who sets appropriate boundaries no matter what your own behaviour is so you can learn a healthier way to be in the world; if you have never been shown how to do this by another person in a relationship it is very difficult just to learn, so we look to our partners to do this for us and resent then when they don't often failing to realise they are in the same situation looking for similar things from us.

Edited September 17, 2012 by Jetsun

[et-thoughts]

(x action) just means nobody learns anything and the cycle continues.

I believe most people are craving sanity and are often subconsciously looking for others to show them the way,

 

Jetsun,

 

What you posted resonated with me... I agree, some actions - just means nobody learns anything and the cycle continues.

I wonder wether people crave 'sanity' or insanity... regardless of what they crave you are right people are often subconsciously looking for others to show them the way, and/or validate it...

[Maddie]

i found this video insightful

 

 

-My 2 cents, Peace

 

Yea that video was very interesting.

 

Something I have noticed from this post, and the replies to this post, also ties into the relationship dynamic I had with my ex. I have found some of the answers and responses to be good, wise, kind, and compassionate. I have also found a lot of the replies here to be very ignorant and non-compassionate. How does this tie into my past relationship? It was primarily compassion that kept me tied to her as long as I was.

 

I would like to make it clear that I had dated people before her, and I would not put up with people's crap, so I'm not a push over. My ex had suffered numerous traumas in her past. First during an incident she would freak out at me, and I would be thinking "this is bullshit, I'm out of here", and start packing my bags to leave, and would tell her she was acting nuts. Then when she saw I was about to head out cause she was going koo koo for coo coo puffs, she was then threaten to kill herself. So I would be like "oh shit" and talk her out of killing herself before I left. Then she would start crying and tell me that she needed me... blah blah blah, and yes I know she was manipulating me, but right or wrong I couldn't help but feel a great deal of compassion for her as shes weeping and sobbing and telling me how bad her trauma hurt her, and how much she needed me ect. Now I know this is a classic symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder, but I only learned about this disorder after we broke up, so no I did not go into this relationship knowing she had this disorder, no I am not a masochist.

So I think statements that say I wanted these problems, or that I was a pussy for putting up with her, or that people think I deserved all of these are very ignorant and very non-compassionate statements. And believe me, after being with her, I am now very good at recognizing ignorance and non-compassion. When someone is going through a rough patch in life you don't say "oh you deserve it" or "you really wanted it", no you have compassion and say things like "oh I'm sorry your hurting, I hope you feel better". I mean come on we can learn all this stuff, but if we don't learn basic compassion 101 then what is the point of learning all these other things.

 

So I'd like to clarify, no I don't want her back, nor am I hoping she will come back to me. Yes I do realize that there is something about me that was drawn to her, and stayed with her, and yes I do realize that, that part of me is not healthy, and with that realization yes I am working on doing something about it... just saying.

Edited September 17, 2012 by dmattwads

[et-thoughts]

"you really wanted it", no you have compassion and say things like "oh I'm sorry your hurting, I hope you feel better". I mean come on we can learn all this stuff, but if we don't learn basic compassion 101 then what is the point of learning all these other things.

 

A teacher sat and observed in a cafe the people going about... on the corner was a post... every now and then a family would pass and some children did not see the post and 'WHAM!' the teacher observed the parents reactions... some looked at the children and said 'YOU be careful' others said 'Oh poor baby. That was a bad thing. Come here and watch as I punish the post. I'm so sorry the post ran into YOU"...

 

Grown ups know the kid is going to get over the situation and feel better... the real lesson is to take the situation to show the kid something... maybe even help them learn a thing or two... believe me, after being with kids, I know very well how they use crying, fits, tantrums and to manipulate others into what they want. When someone is going through a rough patch in life you don't say "oh I'm sorry your hurting, I hope you feel better"... NO you help them get out of the rough patch and get them onto leveled ground... whether they find you con-compasionate or compassionate is their business... heck drowning swimmers will seek to drown the approaching lifeguard rather than allow themselves to be helped out of the water...

 

'basic compassion 101' is what allows some to willingly become the victims of energy vampires... ' just saying'....

[Birch]

See http://www.peterferentzy.com/Excerpt--A-Peek-Inside.html "You need to hit bottom - a myth that kils"

 

Actually DMatt, you were sounding great in that last post!

[Birch]

Ah yes, children 'manipulate' adults...

 

Pile of toss.

[RiverSnake]

Compassion is a great thing. However there is Compassion.......and then there is something else called "Idiot Compassion"...........

 

It is a very important distinction that should be made for the vast majority of people. A couple good links on the topic:

 

http://www.shambhala...rs/pema/qa5.php

 

http://mettarefuge.w...iot-compassion/

 

 

Which category do you think your Compassion falls into in this case?

 

 

-My 2 cents, Peace

Edited September 18, 2012 by OldGreen

[Cat Pillar]

Ah yes, children 'manipulate' adults...

 

Pile of toss.

 

I dunno, my friends have a toddler and I'm around her a lot. I've seen her do some pretty shady stuff...

[Birch]

I dunno, my friends have a toddler and I'm around her a lot. I've seen her do some pretty shady stuff...

Ack. I realized after I wrote it that I'd left it open. I did mean 'intentional manipulation' and not the 'comes as standard' stuff that kids are and do and say to get people to take care of them because they're, surprise, kids.

 

No, when I said 'pile of toss' I was referring to a common idea that kids do stuff to get other people to do more than take care of them. There's apparently some kind of 'fine line' that many people feel it's appropriate to cross over into 'evil manipulative child' territory.

[Cat Pillar]

Ack. I realized after I wrote it that I'd left it open. I did mean 'intentional manipulation' and not the 'comes as standard' stuff that kids are and do and say to get people to take care of them because they're, surprise, kids.

 

No, when I said 'pile of toss' I was referring to a common idea that kids do stuff to get other people to do more than take care of them. There's apparently some kind of 'fine line' that many people feel it's appropriate to cross over into 'evil manipulative child' territory.

 

Ah, I see what you mean. Yeah, all the stuff I've seen this kid do is pretty standard. Hiding food to make it look like they finished dinner so they get dessert, asking someone else for something after mommy has already said "no." Classic kid stuff.

[skydog]

true but in a way everyone is a kid, they just get older, also every kid is kind of an adult..if there is no evil manipulative kid, there is no evil manipulative adult...