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What made YOU laugh today/tonight ?

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Walking through the park out the front of Library . A young teenage couple sitting on a bench, she has short shorts on, he is transfixed with running his fingers up and down her skin, just above her knee , she looks like she is about to go into an altered state  :D

 

Then she jumps and pushes his hand away and says something, they both look up and look ghastly as  an older man comes up the path. I am guessing its her father . He stops and looks at the boy ;

 

" Be careful there   ..... that's some of my best work  !   "

 

I dont think the  boy  got it   .....   he looked totally freaked out .

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An old president joke (for Bush ) but probably relevant    to  .... you know who ;

 

President :   Anything in the news today ?

 

Aid ;  Three Brazilian  soldiers where killed 'peacekeeping'  in Iraq.

 

Pres;  ' What !   Thats sooooo bad , why the hell didnt any one tell  me  this before ,  we are going to have to mobilize !

 

Aid ;   Ummmm  .... its just three Brazilian soldiers , whats the big deal ?

 

Pres.   Huh ?  Oh ?    Ummmm  ,  remind me again, how many million are in a brazillion

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6 minutes ago, manitou said:

 

 

That was actually adorable.  Painful, but adorable.

 

 

I liked the  scan of the audience faces at the end;   they all be like    " WTF was that   !  "   ... even the baby !   :D  

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I went to the doctor once for heat rash . He was gruff and uninterested  ... so    ( he he he )  ...

 

he writes out a prescription and says "Put this on it ."

 

I took off my shirt and applied the prescription to the rash ..... " It isnt working doctor  ! "

 

So he gives me the strangest look and then ; " No , take THAT to the chemist and he will give you a lotion and you have to put THE LOTION on the rash . "

 

Me ; "  Ooooooh  !  Okay then . "

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and now  for something completely different  and rude

 

 * bad language and political incorrectness warning  *

 

Spoiler

Steve is a bear hunter , one day he goes into the forest , shoots a bear and is kneeling down about to skin it and he feels a very large and heavy grip on his shoulder from behind , he turns and its a bear .

 

The bear says to him  " Who the hell are you and what do you think you are doing ?"

 

" I am Steve the bear hunter and I getting a bear skin . "

 

" Not in this forest you dont ! And just look what you have done to my mate !  You are not getting away with this , either I tear you to shreds for a slow and painful death  ... or  ....  I bear butt fuck you . "

 

" Well, thats not much of a choice , but I dont want to die ."  So  he pulls his pants down and  ....

 

A while later, after he has recovered he thinks " Blast that damn bear, he butt fucked me ! I am gonna go  back there and teach him a  lesson, I will shoot and skin HIM ! "

 

So he does . As he is about to skin the bear he feels a very large and heavy grip on his shoulder from behind , he turns and its the  bear again  ;  "YOU !  AGAIN ?  I cant believe you come back and did this after  your last warning . OK what will it be then, shredded to death or bear butt fuck ?"

 

" God damn it "  says Steve and pulls his pants down again .

 

About a month later he is still stewing on it ; "That God damn bear ! He has butt fucked me twice now ... THIS TIME  I am really gonna get him ."

 

So he does . As he is about to skin the bear he feels a very large and heavy grip on his shoulder from behind , he turns and its the  bear again ;  " Steve , at some stage you are gonna have to look at why you REALLY   keep coming back to this  forest . "

 

Edited by Nungali
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5 minutes ago, Nungali said:

and now  for something completely different  and rude

 

 * bad language and political incorrectness warning  *

 

  Hide contents

Steve is a bear hunter , one day he goes into the forest , shoots a bear and is kneeling down about to skin it and he feels a very large and heavy grip on his shoulder from behind , he turns and its a bear .

 

The bear says to him  " Who the hell are you and what do you think you are doing ?"

 

" I am Steve the bear hunter and I getting a bear skin . "

 

" Not in this forest you dont ! And just look what you have done to my mate !  You are not getting away with this , either I tear you to shreds for a slow and painful death  ... or  ....  I bear butt fuck you . "

 

" Well, thats not much of a choice , but I dont want to die ."  So  he pulls his pants down and  ....

 

A while later, after he has recovered he thinks " Blast that damn bear, he butt fucked me ! I am gonna go  back there and teach him a  lesson, I will shoot and skin HIM ! "

 

So he does . As he is about to skin the bear he feels a very large and heavy grip on his shoulder from behind , he turns and its the  bear again  ;  "YOU !  AGAIN ?  I cant believe you come back and did this after  your last warning . OK what will it be then, shredded to death or bear butt fuck ?"

 

" God damn it "  says Steve and pulls his pants down again .

 

About a month later he is still stewing on it ; "That God damn bear ! He has butt fucked me twice now ... THIS TIME  I am really gonna get him ."

 

So he does . As he is about to skin the bear he feels a very large and heavy grip on his shoulder from behind , he turns and its the  bear again ;  " Steve , at some stage you are gonna have to look at why you REALLY   keep coming back to this  forest . "

 

 

It was more than just bearable for him.

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After that politically incorrect Earl Grey (but, completely acceptable and funny) joke , it is now time to get punny:

 

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

4. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

5. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."

Edited by moment
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Oh, Oh the punomentum has me .  I will try to put on the brakes.  But until I stop:

 

 What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

‚ÄúMake me one with everything.‚ÄĚ

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4 hours ago, moment said:

Oh, Oh the punomentum has me .  I will try to put on the brakes.  But until I stop:

 

 What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

‚ÄúMake me one with everything.‚ÄĚ

After handing the vendor a twenty for the dog, he inquired...

"where's my change?"

"Change must come from within, grasshopper." the Vendor replied.

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So, as we know, there's one racist joke that's acceptable. It usually goes like this:

 

"How do all racist jokes begin? "

 

The person saying it looks around as though they were checking if it's safe or if someone from the group they're joking about are in ear shot.

 

Yes, that's the joke. All you do is look around suspiciously. 

 

I told this to a bunch of friends who were visiting from the states. Before I could do the looking around part...

 

One said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Earl Grey! A racist joke! I didn't know that minorities told racist jokes too!"

 

I told them, "Oh, we do, but the thing is, if someone hears it, the people they'll suspect and get mad at are you guys, not me." 

 

:ph34r::rolleyes::D

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