zerostao

What made YOU laugh today/tonight ?

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Apech said:

 

 

Do what you want - it's a free world.

 

No!  It's not!  I hope you get rid of that cloud some day.

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Edited by moment
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I think its time for some owls ;

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Posted (edited)
 

'HOMEMADE PRODUCT'    means   employees  forced to live at factory .

 

 

 
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Edited by Nungali
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Can a viking throw an axe?
Sure he can.
Can a cowboy throw a lasso?
Sure he can.
Can a ninja throw a spinning blade?
Shuriken.

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8 hours ago, Nungali said:

Can a viking throw an axe?
Sure he can.
Can a cowboy throw a lasso?
Sure he can.
Can a ninja throw a spinning blade?
Shuriken.

 

image.png.1b3520fe2d97c2238ca4a9949f3330e5.png

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45 minutes ago, Taomeow said:

 

image.png.1b3520fe2d97c2238ca4a9949f3330e5.png

 

 

Rule#1:  Never trust a cat that can operate a switchblade.

 

The owner clearly knows this; hence the little pink bell.

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27 minutes ago, Daniel said:

 

 

Rule#1:  Never trust a cat that can operate a switchblade.

 

The owner clearly knows this; hence the little pink bell.

Looks like the dog knows it too

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From actual court records:

1.

Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Witness: Yes.

Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

Witness: I forget.

Lawyer: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

2.

Lawyer: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

3.

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Lawyer: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

4.

Lawyer: Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man —

Witness: Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.

5.

Lawyer: What happened then?

Witness: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’

Lawyer: Did he kill you?

Witness: No.

6.

Lawyer:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

Witness: Yes.

Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?

Witness: Getting laid

 

 

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4 hours ago, moment said:

From actual court records:

1.

Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Witness: Yes.

Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

Witness: I forget.

Lawyer: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

2.

Lawyer: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

3.

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Lawyer: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

4.

Lawyer: Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man —

Witness: Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.

5.

Lawyer: What happened then?

Witness: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’

Lawyer: Did he kill you?

Witness: No.

6.

Lawyer:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

Witness: Yes.

Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?

Witness: Getting laid

 

 

 

I can certainly attest to number 3 !

 

More lawyer stuff

 

( true - from my case in the  supreme court , the  prosecutor's appeal  )

 

Prosecution  ( Attorney General )  "  When did your neighbours relationship end ? "

 

Me;  " I beg your pardon ! ?"

 

P;  "  Your next door neighbours, on the 'commune'  , when did their relationship end , when did they split up ?"

 

Me; " I dont now ."

 

P;  " Do you mean to tell me that you do not know when your neighbours  begin or end a relationship ?"

 

( I mean .... WTF !  is this a serious question ? " )

 

M ;  "   On a commune ?  No ."

 

< snickers and guffaws  from the 3 judges  >

 

- Then they bought out their surprise witness , that their appeal supposedly hinged on.... a  past member  'sell out ' .

 

Our lawyer ;   " Now, Mr Conroy ,  would you say can remember entirely accurately  things that happened 25 years ago on the commune ?"

 

Conroy ;  "  Well,  not entirely accurately ."

 

Our Lawyer ;  " Thank you that will be all . "  

 

< People where surprised he 'gave up' that easily >

 

 Prosecutor  Sharp stands up and  begins to extract his 'witnessing ."

 

Judge (interrupts)  :  " Ms Sharp .... what are you doing  ..... the witness just admitted he doesnt have an accurate memory of the events back then .  .... thank you Mr Conroy, you may step down . "

 

:D  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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48 minutes ago, Nungali said:

 

 

Have you tried it out on yourself yet ?

 

Not yet.  Working up my courage.

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This is TRUE - I know the guy who was the witness, when he was working vice at LAPD.  He was testifying MANY years ago to an arrest he made at the YMCA for  homosexual activity (this was back in the 70's).  Pete (officer) observed this from outside a YMCA window and he was testifying to it at the hearing.

 

DEFENSE ATTY:   You have testified that you observed my client orally copulating a man laying on a cot?

 

PETE:  Yes, sir.

 

DEFENSE:  And you testified that you were fully able to see his actions, despite the fact that you were in the bushes outside the window?

 

PETE:  Yes, sir.

 

DEFENSE:  Well then, since my client's back was to you as he bent over, isn't it possible that my client was merely trying to pick up the man off the cot?

 

PETE:  Yes, sir.  If he were trying to pick him up by the penis with his mouth.

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' Observing from the bushes '  .     Ha !

 

Reminds me of the complaint made about  the person walking around naked in their room .  The complainer was asked ;" But isnt it out of view from your window ? " 

 

- "Yes ... but if you go out on the fire escape and learn out over the railing  ...... "

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On 8/2/2020 at 9:23 AM, zerostao said:

Looks like the dog knows it too

the dog that can be switch-bladed... is not The Eternal Dawg

 

B)

 

 

Edited by Daniel

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Another lawyer joke -- almost posted it in the "dry humor is gone" thread but then decided it's not dry enough for that, since it involves drinks.  Which are, you know, wet.

 

So these two lawyers walk in a cafe, order drinks and take their own sandwiches out of their briefcases.  The waiter tells them, sorry guys, the policy here is, we don't allow customers to eat their own food at our tables.  

The lawyers look at each other, nod, and swap sandwiches.  

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