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What made YOU laugh today/tonight ?

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After that politically incorrect Earl Grey (but, completely acceptable and funny) joke , it is now time to get punny:

 

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

4. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

5. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."

Edited by moment
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Oh, Oh the punomentum has me .  I will try to put on the brakes.  But until I stop:

 

 What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

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4 hours ago, moment said:

Oh, Oh the punomentum has me .  I will try to put on the brakes.  But until I stop:

 

 What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

After handing the vendor a twenty for the dog, he inquired...

"where's my change?"

"Change must come from within, grasshopper." the Vendor replied.

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So, as we know, there's one racist joke that's acceptable. It usually goes like this:

 

"How do all racist jokes begin? "

 

The person saying it looks around as though they were checking if it's safe or if someone from the group they're joking about are in ear shot.

 

Yes, that's the joke. All you do is look around suspiciously. 

 

I told this to a bunch of friends who were visiting from the states. Before I could do the looking around part...

 

One said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Earl Grey! A racist joke! I didn't know that minorities told racist jokes too!"

 

I told them, "Oh, we do, but the thing is, if someone hears it, the people they'll suspect and get mad at are you guys, not me." 

 

:ph34r::rolleyes::D

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8 hours ago, Earl Grey said:

So, as we know, there's one racist joke that's acceptable. It usually goes like this:

 

"How do all racist jokes begin? "

 

The person saying it looks around as though they were checking if it's safe or if someone from the group they're joking about are in ear shot.

 

Yes, that's the joke. All you do is look around suspiciously. 

 

I told this to a bunch of friends who were visiting from the states. Before I could do the looking around part...

 

One said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Earl Grey! A racist joke! I didn't know that minorities told racist jokes too!"

 

I told them, "Oh, we do, but the thing is, if someone hears it, the people they'll suspect and get mad at are you guys, not me." 

 

:ph34r::rolleyes::D

 

When I would tell the Aboriginals racist jokes they would interrupt me and pre empt the ending with one MUCH WORSE (about them ) than the ending I was approaching ! 

 

Some , to me, seem fun and innocent though ....  

 

Teacher to little Aboriginal boy;   "   Jackie , how do you spell elephant ? "

 

" Ooooo errrmmm  .....  e  ...  l  ... e   ..  ?  ... f     ... ummmm   u  ... n  ... t  !   ....  Elephant ! "

 

" No Jackie, thats not right . "

 

" Yes Miss , its right . "

 

" No . I said it ISNT right ! "

 

" And I am saying it IS ."

 

" Why are you arguing with me and saying its right when I clearly told you it isnt  ? "

 

" Because  you asked me how   I    spell it  . "

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15 hours ago, virtue said:

y8neldsgxqebxgwvwpkj.jpg

 

 

 

Ahhh ... thats what I like ......   so non-religious that they stick the Easter  ( 'dead guy on a stick' ) symbol on Xmas   :)     love it !

 

I bet you guys never realised Jesus died on his birthday !   :)

 

 

And by the way , where is my Xmas chocolate eggs ? 

 

Even some of these would do ;

 

il_570xN.585157843_ouv3.jpg

Edited by Nungali
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An elderly couple goes to Burger King and shares their fries and burger. A trucker sitting next to them offers to pay for the old lady. "It's all right," says the old man. "We always share everything." On seeing that the old lady has not eaten anything, the trucker once again makes an offer. The old man once again assures the trucker to stay calm and resumes eating. Finally, the trucker asks the lady about not eating anything. The old lady replies, " I am waiting for the teeth."

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How do you know when it is an anorexic bachelor party?

 

When the cake jumps out of the girl instead.

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A burglar is creeping into a house and he hears a voice "Jesus does not like burglars", startled the burglar says "who is that" and shines his light into the corner of the room.  There on his perch sits a parrot.  The burglar says " oh, you are just a parrot".  The parrot says " Yes, and my name is Moses".  The burglar retorts " What kind of people name a parrot Moses"?  The parrot responds rather smugly " The same kind of people who name a 150 pound Rottweiler Jesus". 

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Posted (edited)

I was listening to a Tara Brach podcast.  She had 2 funny jokes on it.  Lets see if I remember them.

 

 A man walks into a bakery and starts screaming at the baker.  'We ordered a cake to celebrate our store's new bigger location and instead got a cake saying 'Rest in Peace'''.  The baker thought about it and said 'I'm sorry but that's better then the cake we sent to the funeral parlor.  It said 'Congratulation on your New Location'.

 

rats can't remember the 1st one. 

 

got it.  A father who wasn't too tech savvy noticed his son ended a text to him with LOL.  He immediately thought it meant Lots of Love.  He thought what a great sentiment and from then on ended all his texts with LOL.  The man's sister was going through a divorce, he sent her a text, 'We support you in this difficult time, LOL'.  He texted a sick friend, 'Hope you feel better, LOL'.  He did this for a year, and wondered why people rarely texted him back. 

 

https://www.tarabrach.com/power-awake-awareness/

Edited by thelerner
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the consummate erudite that hearkened the ushering in of the renaissance, Rabelais, that good doctor told us then that laughter is the best medicine. he also cleverly and covertly in the marrow--repeated the inscription of the Seven Sages who gathered at Delphi, thus laying the foundation for western civilization, and culture, and they inscribed Know Thyself on the forecourt of temple of appollo that one must pass under before entering the sacred to meet with the oracle. 

https://www.forbes.com/sites/daviddisalvo/2017/06/05/six-science-based-reasons-why-laughter-is-the-best-medicine/#7b5009117f04

 

https://www.thefreelibrary.com/

 

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress-relief/art-20044456

 

this world has a way of stressing us out from time to time, no? lately laughter has been hard to come by my way. however, finding this thread still active these years later makes me smile. thank you good bums for sharing the good medicine!

I will scroll up and take the prescription.

I raise my wine glass (red solo cup)and  toast to twenty twenty, may we all laugh a little healthier this year,,,

 

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If you click on the above .... see below the main article to man 'sits' on fish tank to make a phone call    :D

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Not aimed at anyone (seriously) but I thought it was funny.

 

EOJzGEvXsAAVCob.thumb.jpeg.e5bd035c30bedb0f3605bfc904301bc5.jpeg

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During a large  Communist party political conference, there is only a single room still available at the only hotel in town. Four strangers are put into the room. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka and proceed to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, singing, and telling political jokes about their leaders. The fourth man desperately tries to get some sleep; finally, in frustration, he surreptitiously leaves the room, goes downstairs, and asks the lady concierge to bring tea to Room 67 in ten minutes. Then he returns and joins the party. Five minutes later, he bends to a power outlet: "Comrade Major, some tea to Room 67, please." In a few minutes, there's a knock at the door, and in comes the lady concierge with a tea tray. The room falls silent; the party dies a sudden death, and the prankster finally gets to sleep.

 

The next morning he wakes up alone in the room. Surprised, he runs downstairs and asks the concierge what happened to his companions. "You don't need to know!" she answers. "B-but...but what about me?" asks the terrified fellow. 'Oh, you...well...Comrade Major liked your tea gag a lot."

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I was raised as an only child – which really annoyed my sister.

 

I told a girl she had drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised

 

I ’m not being condescending. I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.

 

So she phones me last night, and says “Come on over, no one’s home!” I got there, and there was no one home

 

I organized a threesome last night. There were a few no-shows, but I still had fun.

 

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

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I was watching a dog chasing its tail thinking “dogs are easily amused” and then I realized I was watching a dog chasing its tail

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On 1/13/2020 at 2:20 PM, Apech said:

Not aimed at anyone (seriously) but I thought it was funny.

 

EOJzGEvXsAAVCob.thumb.jpeg.e5bd035c30bedb0f3605bfc904301bc5.jpeg

did you photoshop the lady bug onto this image?

 

 

 

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