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Greetings.

I need help.

I am not very sure what to start and what to quit doing, but I've got to change something in my life. It's been about 6 months since I stopped trying hard, and tried to go back to basics.

 

A short background:

I've got very ill at the age of 19, after just about 2 months of living by myself in a new city. I hated the university, ate terribly, slept for 4-5 hours and practiced guitar for 10-12. Pretty soon I got stressed and depressed. Next I got carpal tunnel syndrome, inflammation of wrists and all the joints and muscles/tendons in my hands. Got more depressed.

              Few months later I ended up in hospital, because of severe stiffness of lower middle and upper back. Not able to sleep, not able to focus, had blurry vision, and was just awfully miserable. Shallow breath. Barely functioning. Oh I forgot. I had acute hyperacusis and tinnitus even prior to that.

Nothing helped much, time healed some of the issues, to a certain degree.

             OK so 2 years later I did a 14 day water fast, followed by a 30 day water fast.

Cured the inflammation, ears and back problems and CTS to about 70%. I'm finally able to use computer keyboard and even play guitar a little, which is nice.
           Cool but now I have some digestive issues(very fragile stomach) and have some trouble gaining weight( I'm 5'9'' and 118lbs).

           During the fast I felt a lot of tension around and below my navel.
My stomach now is very sensitive and when I'm frightened or even surprised it hurts as if electrically shocked(previously I felt neck tension and head pain when under stress).

          I'm glad I'm so much more emotionally and mentally stable and don't have panic attacks and paranoia tendencies as I used to. I'm not depressed anymore.

The downside is I'm still regaining strength 3 months after the fast and it's kinda slow.

Still have a shallow breath and get exhausted pretty easily.

 

I Think I need some sort of plan guys!

If anybody could take time to address any of the following points, I would be most grateful. I feel somewhat stuck.

No.1 Diet, sleep and basic activities.
I've been following raw vegan fruit based diet since the fast and it was great for a number of reasons, but recently I started to see some limitations. Main problem is I guess lack of enough ripe fruit available here in Europe. So I started introducing cooked millet, potatoes, lentils and diary. Diary is fine, but over all I just feel week, lazy and lethargic. I tend to overeat on these things, since non of them is as satisfying as ripe fruit. It's really a pita.

Will this last until I regain all my weight? I used to weigh about 75kg.


I use cronometer.com and try to get about 3500-4000 calories daily now.
I started following ayurveda for my dosha(vata) and it's amazing! Different foods like peppers, mushrooms eggplants, beans and other things always gave me problems, and now as I follow the guidelines I don't have to fear the food I'm eating lol.

I try to get a litre of water before each meal, I can then eat normal sized portions.
I try to sleep... as much as possible lol.

In a few days I'm coming back to work. Walking around a warehouse picking up items for shipping( luckily not very strenuous).


Anything to change here? Is the Chinese method of eating worth exploring?(Don't know anything about it, heard it's kinda complicated).

Would it be a good idea to go to a Tibetan Medicine centre? I'm open.

 

No.2 Meditation, Martial Arts and Qigong.
I'll give you my goals:

-fix my body posture( I have very weak back, slouch, my shoulders are tight and high. Shoulder blades stick out like crazy and it's hard to relax sitting or standing.

-improve circulation(it used to be terrible before the fast, but still could be better),

-spontaneity(you know in life, in guitar improvisation, even in conversation I feel the lack of flow)

-Calm the fucking Dan Tien(lower, and perhaps middle I'm not sure my whole stomach is a mess recently)
 

I'm trying Zhan Zhuang. Have the book The Way of Energy and watched the YT channel.
I find it exhausting, even ust the1st position. I tried it a dozen of times over past few months and couldn't hold it for more than 3 minutes. It's appealing, I see the potential and acknowledge it is a foundation, but it's harder than this


Anyway, the second I heard about Baguazhang,  I didn't want to look back anymore. At anything, even Taiji. I'm sold for life. I don't know why, I'm totally mesmerised. Something about the spinning circle flowing motion... and I see myself as somebody who's trapped in cycles anyway so why not lol?
Do you think it could be appropriate for someone like me? Right now? How can I find a teacher? Do you know anybody who does it in the Netherlands/Germany/Sweden? OR should I already start learning Chinese ;) ? I understand it's even less popular then real Taiji. Is it really so rare?

And before I find a teacher, would it be ok to learn from books/dvds or I'd be better off joining Taiji classes? One Taiji instructor I met even suggested I should go back to Karate and do that for some time, before I get into the internal styles and qigong... I'm confused.

 

As for meditation, I always did like a simple body scan relaxation, or progressive muscle relaxation, and rarely got satisfying results. Only recently I had some success with BK Frantzis Taoist Meditation CD's. I'm sort of used now to breathing from the belly and the back and focusing on the Lower Dan Tien is kinda effective. I feel it. Still it's hard for me to stick to the practice. If I do it one day properly for few minutes, the next day don't even feel the interest and get bored easily if I try. It's like it stirs my body energy, and then I lose the drive to repeat the exercise. Same with Qigong massage I tried few days ago. I yawned like crazy, and didn't feel too good afterwords...

I know I have a tendency to overdo everything, but for Dao's sake- is there anything I can practice for more than a minute and not feel totally exhausted???

 

I would really love to get into all the energy meditations, organ massages, moving and manipulating chi inside the body... you know, the fun stuff. How can I get there? What should I read? Most Importantly: what I SHOULDN'T be doing? What could hurt me? And again, how can I look for a teacher of meditation and qigong?

I also occasionally do Trauma Releasing Exercises, which are awesome:

Has anybody heard of this?
And I'm also interested in the Alexander Technique...


No.3 Would something like Initiation Into Hermetics by Francis Bardon or other such curriculum contribute in any way to my vitality? I'm still kind of clueless about all the occult stuff. Would appreciate some feedback on that as well. I'm interested in inducing trance on the fly. Why? I'm not sure. But you've got to be able to in order to play like Jimi Hendrix, am I wrong? :)

I would also appreciate any magick and spiritual inspired fiction and "fiction" books. Novels perhaps. I really dug Carlos Castaneda a while ago.

 

Finally, and this is minute but can you share with me what type of shoes and clothing do you use for walking, and practicing martial arts? I recently realized it also matters. What type of materials? I'd like to get some loose(traditional/modern Chinese perhaps) clothes that would be socially acceptable lol. Any good sites? Kinda love shopping :D

To end this huge lament of a noob I'll just throw some titles on you and if you want share your thoughts on them( just your general opinion):

 

Book of Five rings - Musashi

Baguazhang - Hidden Knowledge in the Taoist Internal Martial Art

Ywing-Ming-Yang-PHDThe-Root-of-Chinese-Chi-Kung

The Complete System of Self-Healing by Dr. Stephen T. Chang

Way of the inner smile by Michael Winn

Daoist Body Cultivation by Livia Kohn

Taoist Meditation by Thomas Cleary

Becoming Te Iceman.

Any recommendations?

Peace.

PS. Please excuse my English, I know it got a little rusty recently.

 

 

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Well, Baby Cheetah, I will comment to only two of the items you spoke to, feeling unqualified to say anything more that I will.

 

First, stop the fasting.  You are likely not a supernatural human being.  More likely you are a normal one.  Eat like one.

 

Second, yes, find a good type of meditation that works for you and any soft martial art (Tai Chi) is always helpful.

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You seem have very strong focus and self discipline.  That'll take you far. 

 

I'm no expert in anything, but as far as diet, I'd recommend more healthy good fats.  Avocado's, throwing some ghee onto something, cheese, even eating some eggs.   Good fat is not the enemy, its a needed leg on the nutritional stool. 

 

The IIH is a great long term practice.  For it and shorter term things to do, I highly recommend going to abardoncompanion.com .  Rawn Clark who created it has many free audio programs on it that compliment IIH as well as a very well done collection of writing on the IIH that I've found greatly compliment the original.   

 

Spend some time with listening to his Center of Stillness Meditation (very deep if you can get into it), YHVH meditations (chant/canticle/magic system), lastly he has an Archaeous system that is a Hermetic element work, that is a series of 15 minute lessons that work very well with standing.  For me they make standing 15 minutes go by quickly and easily, not that they are meant for that.

 

Don't over do it.  Get a practice or two, keep a journal.  I did Wim Hof's 10 week program, lot of fun, very worthwhile.   Some have gone very far without the program, just using the instructions from the HigherExistence article that was done on him.

 

Books.. I really dig a travel spiritual tome called "The Gods Drink Whiskey: Stumbling Toward Enlightenment in the Land of the Tattered Buddha" buy Professor Asma.  Great read on travel and Buddhism.  I liked Daniel Reids books "The Tao Of Health, Sex, and Longevity: A Modern Practical Guide to the Ancient Way by Daniel Reid (Author).

 

There are many good podcasts out there like Zencast and infiniteSmile that are great to listen to on long walks.  I could name more books, but its important not to get too top heavy.  Stay grounded, know that this stuff is a marathon, not a sprint.  Inner smile is good.  I prefer Glenn Morris's Secret Smile technique better.  You can find it on a youtube channel with much of his old Meditation Mastery stuff.

 

There's a ton of stuff out there.  Look around, find out what you connect with.  Then roll up sleeves, take a break from books, videos, and philosophy and work with integrity.  Not obsessively but faithfully and daily. 

Edited by thelerner

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I think you need to learn what I'm learning to... build your practice from rest. What is your healthy baseline of energy and vitality, what can you do from them without disrupting yourself, and what meditations makes you come in contact with them.

In short. Mind your resources.

 

My 2 cents: for me dissolving is that elegant meditation that let's my body rest and at the same time gives energetic development, long term.

Although I have a ton of stuff I want to get to (like bagua) I can't do it all at once. I have complete faith in dissolving and full lotus to unfold my potential until I get there <3

(What I'm saying is having a meditation you trust settles down the frenzy of having a ton to learn.)

 

don't do hard zhan zhuang.

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Yes I already stumbled upon Rawn Clark while reading your post in another thread and I am intrigued. I really dig working with the senses. Will try it out. Glenn Morris is also very cool.

What Wim Hof program are you refering to? Are you talking about the book becoming the iceman? That's the only thing I could find from this author.

I think you need to learn what I'm learning to... build your practice from rest. What is your healthy baseline of energy and vitality, what can you do from them without disrupting yourself, and what meditations makes you come in contact with them.

In short. Mind your resources.

 

My 2 cents: for me dissolving is that elegant meditation that let's my body rest and at the same time gives energetic development, long term.

Although I have a ton of stuff I want to get to (like bagua) I can't do it all at once. I have complete faith in dissolving and full lotus to unfold my potential until I get there <3

(What I'm saying is having a meditation you trust settles down the frenzy of having a ton to learn.)

 

don't do hard zhan zhuang.

...build your practice from rest, hmm thats profound! What is the elegant meditation? Can you expand upon dissolving?


I wanted to add I'm a little concerned about all this cultivation of the basics. Since getting the basics down is the most crucial thing, everybody talks about how it must take a long time, why not just assume that's all is needed and stick to it for the rest of my life? After all, if it's all about relaxing, and letting go...

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I've got very ill at the age of 19, after just about 2 months of living by myself in a new city. I hated the university, ate terribly, slept for 4-5 hours and practiced guitar for 10-12. Pretty soon I got stressed and depressed. Next I got carpal tunnel syndrome, inflammation of wrists and all the joints and muscles/tendons in my hands. Got more depressed.

              Few months later I ended up in hospital, because of severe stiffness of lower middle and upper back. Not able to sleep, not able to focus, had blurry vision, and was just awfully miserable. Shallow breath. Barely functioning. Oh I forgot. I had acute hyperacusis and tinnitus even prior to that.

Nothing helped much, time healed some of the issues, to a certain degree.

             OK so 2 years later I did a 14 day water fast, followed by a 30 day water fast.

Cured the inflammation, ears and back problems and CTS to about 70%. I'm finally able to use computer keyboard and even play guitar a little, which is nice.

           Cool but now I have some digestive issues(very fragile stomach) and have some trouble gaining weight( I'm 5'9'' and 118lbs).

           During the fast I felt a lot of tension around and below my navel.

My stomach now is very sensitive and when I'm frightened or even surprised it hurts as if electrically shocked(previously I felt neck tension and head pain when under stress).

          I'm glad I'm so much more emotionally and mentally stable and don't have panic attacks and paranoia tendencies as I used to. I'm not depressed anymore.

The downside is I'm still regaining strength 3 months after the fast and it's kinda slow.

Still have a shallow breath and get exhausted pretty easily.

 

I Think I need some sort of plan guys!

If anybody could take time to address any of the following points, I would be most grateful. I feel somewhat stuck.

 

No.1 Diet, sleep and basic activities.

I've been following raw vegan fruit based diet since the fast and it was great for a number of reasons, but recently I started to see some limitations. Main problem is I guess lack of enough ripe fruit available here in Europe. So I started introducing cooked millet, potatoes, lentils and diary. Diary is fine, but over all I just feel week, lazy and lethargic. I tend to overeat on these things, since non of them is as satisfying as ripe fruit. It's really a pita.

Will this last until I regain all my weight? I used to weigh about 75kg.

 

I use cronometer.com and try to get about 3500-4000 calories daily now.

I started following ayurveda for my dosha(vata) and it's amazing! Different foods like peppers, mushrooms eggplants, beans and other things always gave me problems, and now as I follow the guidelines I don't have to fear the food I'm eating lol.

I try to get a litre of water before each meal, I can then eat normal sized portions.

I try to sleep... as much as possible lol.

In a few days I'm coming back to work. Walking around a warehouse picking up items for shipping( luckily not very strenuous).

 

Anything to change here? Is the Chinese method of eating worth exploring?(Don't know anything about it, heard it's kinda complicated).

Would it be a good idea to go to a Tibetan Medicine centre? I'm open.

 

well, there are always many different views on food and how to nurture the body, therefore I've some reservations to do any recommendation. But i will.

 

you're still young and reading your story, your body is depleted, it needs nutrients, needs to build itself again. Guys build up their body until about 23 to 24 years old, seems to me you're not there yet, and your illness has sapped you of reserve.

 

When you eat mostly fruit you live on carbohydrates, carbohydrates are good for daily energy, but not for rebuilding your body. For that you need animal fats, eggs and preferably meat. Fish and poultry I would say, and meatbroth. Of course also veggies and fruit, i do not know much about ayurveda, but in my memory they also advise complete diet, bit different for each dosha.

 

I read that you drink a lot of water before each meal, don't do that!! To digest your food it must be made acid in the stomach, by drinking so much beforehand the right acidity will never be reached thereby making problems for all the rest of your intestines. Start your meal with a mug of meat-broth instead. this will help the stomach and is full od easy to digest proteins ( and fats) 

 

I do not know how your diet was before you started fasting and fruit. Often it is so that the reason you start to feel better is not so much what you do eat, but what you do not eat anymore. think her about things like pizza and sweets and cola etc. But in your case gluten and dairy may also be at the root of it.

 

as young as you are, some of your story is a bit too recognizable for me...

I do not know where you live, what your native language is, but go searching for effects of eating gluten and dairy when you have a leaky gut. Think here of tiredness, brainfog, lethargy, depression,painful neck/shoulders/between the shoulder-blades. not able to relax the body. Unable to sleep, tinnitus, anxiety and phobia's, it's a long list and your story seems to fit that list

 

regarding practice, you want very much but for now you're just too tired. If you can do standing posture for three minutes, then that is fine, do those 3 minutes several times a day, it is a strenuous exercise, especially with a wornout body. Meditation, i would do it lying down, I know some people are against it, but reading that it is at the moment impossible for you to do it sitting up, go with what your body can handle.

 

My teacher says, and i say it now to you: when the body is tired, it needs rest, when the body is hungry, it needs food. give your body what it needs, the body is your wonderful home here on earth, treat it well, and when you're ill or tired, treat it even better,

 

BES

( who is not a guy ;)  and old enough t be your mom  :P )

 

PS: your English is good, it's not my native language either, at your age i wasn't as proficient as you are now. Head up, you'll find your way out!

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What Wim Hof program are you refering to? Are you talking about the book becoming the iceman? That's the only thing I could find from this author.

this one- http://www.wimhofmethod.com/ 

 

A post on facebook talked of someone who got very far just practicing what was written in the Higher existence article on Wim Hof.  The formal 10 week course has more supplemental material and support.

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I'l respond to your PM here,

 

you say that you reacted badly on eating grains, I'll advise you to buy this book:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Gut-Psychology-Syndrome-Depression-Schizophrenia/dp/0954852001

 

It explains clearly what has happened to your body and what it needs to become healthy again.

 

In short: the problems you have with your body are probably caused by a leaky gut. The eating of gluten can lead to a leaky gut, also the use of antibiotics and (psychsocial) stress are bad for the gut.

 

When the lining of the intestines is damaged several things happen. The gut lining is a barrier, only nutrients should be let through, the rest should leave your body as poop. When that lining is damaged, the barrier function is compromised. It lets through stuf you do not want in your body, and it is less able to let through the nutrients you need. Thereby in effect filling the body with unwanted shit that needs to be filtered out by liver and kidneys while at the same time leaving the body in need of nutrients.

 

Some foods ( grain with gluten, dairy, soy and spinach) break down to particles that are called exorfines ( glutomorfin, caseomorfin). Normally these particles hardly pass the gutlining and besides the body produces an enzyme to break these particles down. Now the gutlining is damaged, these particle come in the bloodstream, not enough enzyme to break down these critters. And they find their way into your brain. There they take the place of endorfines. Endorfines are the neurotransmiiterthingies that make us feel happy and contented.

These exorfines glue themselves to the receptorcells and stick on them better than the endorfines. And then all the other neurotranmittersystems get out of whack too...

 

One of them the gabaergic system, that's why you have problems with sleeping.

another the dopaminergic system, which is why you feel down, lethargic, as if nothing is fun anymore.

 

In short, you're whole body is getting out of whack, you feel totally stressed out and nothing really seems to help, you've experienced that, no need to explain.

 

Book explains it better and gives guidelines how to feed yourself. 

 

One thing about the book, the author ( a respected MD from america) advises no grains, but many people who are very tired need grains to get their energylevel a bit up. You're doing great with the lentils, thats about the best ' nograin' that i've found. But many people following her diet add a little grain, say not less than 100 grams dry weight. Glutenfree are rice, buckwheat, quinoa and teff, and oats. I'm one of the rare cases that react on oats...but it's definitely worth a try for you. When the effects of the grain you have eaten have abated and you're back where you was. You just give another grain a try. That's the great plus of you not having eaten grains and dairy for so long.

 

Happily science has come up with some help for us. This enzyme, DPPIV, you can buy and use as a supplement. Thereby helping the body to get rid of those exorfins that are glued to the receptorcells where you want your own endorfins.

 

 

 because your gut is not working as it should the body misses essential vitamins and minerals

You could probably use magnesiumcitrate as a supplement to lessen the musclestrain.

And a good vitamin Bcomplex ( there is the B12 you mentioned, vegetarians are at more risk to have a shortage ) and codliveroil,

 

Also organically bound magnesium can be very helpful to reset the endorfinreceptors. For sleepingproblems ( if you still have them) you can take natural gaba ( as opposed to synthetic gaba which does not enter the brain so well)

 

Animal fat helps to repair the gutlining, and meatbroth does too.

 

lentils are phantastic food but as long as your body is not healed you also need meat and animal fat to give it the nutrients it needs to heal. Coconutoil, fish and eggs are very good also. Try to slowly add these things to your diet and see how you react on them. You can eat butter in small amounts but ghee in liberal amounts is far better, because all the protein and lactose are removed. it's not hard to make it yourself, just google and try it out

 

I asked you where you live because i sort of hoped it would be in Germany, a bit closeby. I know one therapist that has specialized in these things, but he's in Belgium so for you that will be too far away. His website and all the information that i give here in a nutshell is in dutch, i have not looked for english/german websites. I would so like it if you could find someone to help you with this but maybe, now that you know a little more, you can find some help in your own country.

 

BTW, the regular bloodtests on gluten and dairy do not have to show that it's bad food for you. In my case they didn't... but when some weeks ago I did eat a small piece of cheese, the whole shit came back, dizzy head, pain between the shoulderblades. Now that i'm taking organically bound magnesium, this pain is disappearing.

 

so, there's hope, you're gonna find the way out and become again the healthy  guy you ought to be

 

 BES

 

ps, feel free to come up with more questions, I had to find out all these things by myself and I'm feel glad to be able to help you a little

 

 

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Hi again, Papayapple,

 

I'm totally unqualified to advise on things like diet or the other various practices you've mentioned, but I tend to look at things with very long metaphysical eyes, in an 'as above, so below' sense.

 

Your mention of being stuck in cycles jumps out at me, particularly since your mention of carpal tunnel, in a physical sense, which is a result of perhaps your long periods of guitar playing - or maybe your job, where you are lifting things repetitively.  But it seems that you are also carrying this over to cycles in your life - looking for the perfect 'cycle' to cure yourself.  Your internal fixation is a cycle of its own - not unusual for any of us, but we need to find a happy medium on this.

 

My old man has a horrible case of arthritis up his back, his neck, it telegraphs pain to his hips, which burn horribly.  But when one looks at what arthritis 'symbolizes', it symbolizes a certain 'stuckness' in life, a resistance to change, a desire to stay fixed in one spot.  This is certainly true in his case.  I know you don't want to look backwards, but sometimes in order to correctly triangulate what's going on at the present time, we need to see where we came from; a place to put one pole of the tripod.  He was ripped from his family at the age of 10 and put into a reform school - a horrible trauma for a young boy.  I can easily see why he craves staying glued to one spot.  As a consequence, he has manifested many such stuck patterns in his life; he would be happy as a pig in mud if he could just sit in his easy chair in front of the TV 24/7.  He manifested the 'ultimate security' of being in prison for 19 years because he didn't have to deal with change in life.

 

My point here, is that you have created cycles which have hurt you throughout your life - even things as simple as the carpal tunnel syndrome.  It's almost as though there is a component of being unable to rest, to be compulsive about motion and not wanting to look at something deeper.  I, for example, have a foot-twisting compulsion that I find myself doing when I'm not in awareness of it.  I think I know where that came from.  I was unable to just sit down and rest as a small child - my father would always tell me to 'get up and do something, read something, create something' - and so I suspect that this tendency, although a stupid foot twirling, is a way of 'doing something', being active in some way.  I'd love to get under it.  It'll come.

 

What I see as something that might be a good additive in your life is a ceasing in so much worry and to stop focusing on your maladies - to shake it up a bit.  I would prescribe taking a dance class, something to have fun, something to mix it up a bit.  To get out of your cycles of consternation and conflict.  To not be so hard on yourself, even on the guitar thing - even that seems to be hurting you; you are wanting to come up to Jimi Hendrix' level, and maybe that's not the best sound for you anyway.  Maybe you're musical style is a 'less is more' style, which I have finally figured out for myself on the keyboard.  It sure helps with the carpal tunnel and pain I was feeling in my wrists.

 

As to Joe, with his fixation on wanting to stay fixed in one location, I'm having him go different ways home.  If he's going to the same market or a doctor's appointment, or a movie - take a totally different route.  There are so many beautiful country roads up here, and he tends to take the same ones over and over.  And of course, with the advent of GPS's now, one can't really get lost for very long any more.

 

I too am a Castaneda person.  I've read the series 3 times over my life - each time getting something new because we see it with higher eyes each time.  I don't know if there's anything there for you any more - I'm pretty sated on it - but I do use shamanic ceremony for healing all the time (not because I'm looking for magic within the ceremony itself, although I've had some strange things with kundalini energy coming up out of the ground for some people) but the ceremony tends to confuse people's minds when they hear the rattles and the chanting - and they're less likely to be thinking in a 'this will never work' pattern.  Their mind is open because they're confused at what they're seeing and hearing, more susceptible to imprint.

 

If you can find the reason for your compulsive behavior in the cycle thing, I'd be happy to help you do a reverse imprint on it.  We could do it remotely, and it would be right up your alley with the Castaneda background.

 

But in the meantime, go dance.  Have fun.  Stop worrying.  Approach it from a more healthy and holistic direction.  I was watching some west coast swing dancing on Youtube last night, and wow!  How cool is that?  Learn a dance that you have to study a bit, not just mind-deadening showing up at a night club.  Maybe a little study of pow wow dancing?  But boy, does that west coast swing look like fun (as does the east coast, they're just slightly different styles).

 

One of our members suggested to me that I was being too hard on myself, too focused, and he suggested that I take up dancing.  I took up belly dancing.  Loved it!  Until I sprained my crotch.  That may have been a bit too aggressive for a woman of my age.  But I've never laughed so hard in my life when I was doing it with a bunch of other old ladies.

 

There's your medicine.  Joy and laughter.

 

Very best to you!

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UPDATE

 

OK so it's been a little over 4 weeks since I moved and only now I have a regular internet connection.

My laptop broke the very same day, leaving me with only a copy of Tao te Cing for knowledge and BKFs Water Meditation CD. Being removed from all the distractions I finally allowed myself to be focused on practising.

 

With Water Meditation CD I had interesting results after just a week. Sadly after few more I think I hit an invisible wall, stopping me from going deeper. I think it's name starts with D and rhymes with trout! Can you guess?

I mean I have trouble believing that breathing with my back and solar plexus will nourish my inner organs and help the flow of chi... Mainly because the more I try to feel it happening the more I tense up. My intestines and pancreas as well as kidneys are giving me trouble most of the day so maybe thats why its so hard for me to relax and stop worrying.

 

On the other side my stomach is a lot better now and you may find it interesting how it happened.

First I took BES advice and looked up the GAPS diet, since I knew I had deficiencies, probably long before the breakdown. At first eating mostly meatstock and chicken and eggs felt like a good move, but I think it was just the fat increase which sort of started to lubricate my gut (just a feeling). But pretty soon I got swollen, felt tired and kind of dirty, sticky and smelly. Didn't like it.

 

What finally helped was actually going to a freaking doctor(or maybe it was visiting the Van Gogh museum the very same day?). A kinesiologist(again recommended by BES- thank you madame! :*) tested me and advised avoiding sweet fruits, grains, lactose and nightshades. She prescribed me an enzyme and suggested rice and ghee. I am depleted of B vitamins, and most minerals too. According to her I have parasites and lack good gut flora (I dont know if shes correct, but eating tons of garlic feels very good on my belly).

 

The results were almost immidiete. After a week I'm having normal stools, I am less bloated and way way less nouseus. The terrible acid reflux I had for years is now diminishing!

Magnesium flakes on the skin and in a footbath has been helping my muscles tremendously, so I can finally somehow withstand a 10h work day.

 

The doctor told me many interesting things which could lead to a more complete understanding of my depletion, and I should probably make another thread describing my progress. Some time soon.

 

Meanwhile, I'm still figuring out the very basics of life. Sleeping, walking, talking to people and ofcourse food. Im only worried now about the amount of ghee I use. Its like at least 80g a day. But boy that thing is gold truth be told.

Edited by Papayapple
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Good you are feeling better about yourself.

 

Many of us, myself included, don't eat a healthy diet so we should supplement our food with vitamins, minerals, etc.  Good too that you had someone to talk with about what to take.

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So it's been over a year already?!

Let me tell you guys something funny. Some of you might smile very broadly when reading this.
I'm not even urgent to tell this, as this is such a benign thing, and yet most profound!

So here it is:
 

boy I think I'm fine!
Yeah like really!

So weird to see how everything came out much more naturally then I expected. Wanna hear more?
Well first let me just express my inner most amusingly perplex feeling of "Duh!", as I look back at the anguish I was going through that May day of 2016 when I was asking such big questions(bout what the hell should I do basically ^^).

So while people were saying I should "basically chillout" I kept thinking about this whole grounding thing as some kind of magical, mystical process, unknown to anyone outside the circle of trust :ph34r:, and even started going to Taiji classes and doing crazy stretches on the floor.
Then I just had luck because I stumbled upon an idiot doctor who thought the best thing for me to do would be doing upward dog 24/7, and a great chiro(hero)practor guy stepped in, apparently felt pity for me and said: "dude I'll fix yer back".
And so he did!
And he did it for free! And has helped with so much more! Released my knees and hips to some extent, and even abdominal pains bit too. He was the one who encouraged me to do an endoscopy(both ways lol), which actually revealed some inflammated area in the duodenum mucus membrane. The funny thing is that those examinations  have immediately released so much binding caused by stress and shit. Few days later I was almost free of lower belly pains and constipation. Well the stomachs ulcer-like pain still persists 24/7 and I'm trying different things but more on that next time perhaps...

That same chiro then told me: "boy you gotta get your ass to the gym or you're soon gonna be as disabled as you were before I met you. I have fixed a lot of things that you've carried for many years, but you gotta maintain it"

After like 6-7 seven months of breaking the muscles and getting back to the shape I had 5-6 years ago I recently started realizing that from time to time, and even most of the time I am once again like I used to be. Cannot describe it other than saying I feel this quality -> Strength.
Being able to. Not being so stagnant.
All my joints are slowly repairing. I can climb trees and shit. Holy fuck I started to go dancing! And of course it is not only because I'm not afraid of my limbs. In all of this process my psyche got naturally stronger too. Effortlessly.
I rarely get stressed even. I had lotsa finals this month and handled that shit surprisingly skillfully, you know. Not to mention the social successes :lol:. Opening up. Singing loud!

As I am reaching a certain equilibrium of sorts I am also seeing how it is much more about not doing wrong things than about doing lot's of "beneficial routines". Like, please don't try to do a horse stance just yet, please! :D Go for a walk. It'll do.

And I remember reading posts of you guys saying simple solutions work best and so on, and kind of raising my eyebrows sometimes. Waiting until the understanding would have arised.
And it's so fucking funny to see that it is that one simple thing that I always had. That special kind of personal perception of the world that is key. The voice that says: "Yup you can do it." "No you cannot do that","Maybe one day, not today though".

I cannot think of a time I went by without periodic depression happening for so long!

I guess all remains to say is thank all of you Bums, especially Andrei for great advice and BES for loving compassion.
Thank you so much!
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