What is wrong with me?

[BlueMonk91]

If your being/inner self mirrors your external reality then what do my external experiences say about my state of being. I am 21 years old and have never had friends. Even my parent and older siblings ignore me. I opened up to my mum for the first time about my depression about two months ago and she said it was my fault and has since distanced herself from me. Sorry for the length of the post so if your not willing to read it all basically: 21 year old dude lonely and probably beyond help.

 

 

I accept that something about me has caused this reality because it has been the only theme of my life. First I was verbally bullied then they would steal things from me like my coat, eventually I convinced my parents to let me move school and encountered the same. This pattern extended into high school where I was bullied to the point of having to stay in library at lunch and recess, being very good at sports never helped. Anyone I tried to befriend eventually joined in and for some reason the most frequent insult I received to my face was "nobody loves you" I heard this almost every week for the last 2 years of high school. I often read people who treat others like this often don't have self love or esteem but my experience make me question whether this is true.

 

Eventually at 19 i made it into university and thought I would meet new mature people who don't take pleasure in someone's social problems but it was more of the same if not even more immature people saying they could tell I was a virgin and that I would die this way something I never had a real complex about until it was used as a way to mock me.

 

The loneliness has become so excruciating that I spend most of my time outdoors walking around the city sitting outside under trees in parks because the four walls of my bedroom have become so suffocating and the deafening silence of spending everyday alone is at least partly cured by hearing birds sing. I wake up early everyday, workout make electronic music with old synthesizers and tape machines and im getting good enough grades at university to get onto a masters programme. Although I have personal interest such as music and mathematics if you have don't have people to share your time with life seems pointless. I've tried meditation, talking to strangers, asking people if they want to hang out, but I think im a hopeless now and I can't see the future I just try and get through each day.

 

If anyone on this forum has noticed someone in their life who seems a bit shy and hesitant socially make the effort to just show them your there, because the feeling of waking up every morning knowing that your completely invisible is heartbreaking. I plan to see a councilor in the summer if I make it there. Is it all down to luck or do we have more control over the way people treat us than we realize, even at a young age? I have no hate or ill feeling towards anyone and I don't think I have ever cried about it have tried nothing comes out, I've even gone clubbing with the main group guys who tormented me throughout high school and had a good time and felt no ill feeling towards them, their friends with my housemate at uni.

 

Is there anything to salvage at this point how can a being of internal self-pity, embarrassment, low self esteem etc change their internal feelings to affect their external life. It seems external positives give an internal positive orientation, triggering a positive cycle but maybe my understanding is mistaken. This is the post of someone who has nobody to turn to im completely open to anything positive or negative anyone has to say, any sort of human interaction has become very precious to me and if things ever improve i'll at least learn to never take human company/interaction for granted.

 

Thanks, needed to release.

[Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan]

same boat, different place in the world. haw...



Granted, most things werent so bad as that for me, since i preemptively removed myself from potential situations like that, and was home schooled after 6'th grade.

Society is infected with a psychological disease which causes depression in people who are sensitive, and aggression in people who are insensitive.


This is deliberate, and the central banks are suspect, but truly, i know no truth of who is responsible for the sad state of affairs this so-called "civilized" world experiences and enforces.

[thelerner]

Well your not alone. Many people who are drawn to meditation and the like are sensitive souls who felt like they didn't fit in. It hits everyone, I'm sorry its been with you for so long. I don' t know if there's a magic solution but as you get older it does get better. People do mature. You'll gain a little more control of your life and can guide it towards people who'll accept you.

 

For me travel helped. Not a solution open to everyone, but I had a backpack and took the road, hitting the Middle East and Europe. It led to important lessons in self sufficiency and learning to be more aggressive with getting to know people. Another thing that helped was joining a fraternity in college. Not a social fraternity but a service one, Alpha Phi Omega. It was created by people who missed the Boy Ccouts and was based on getting together and helping others through service projects. It had good parties too, and the fact it was a co-ed fraternity helped me greatly in the date department. I was also a shy sensitive person.

 

I was just listening to the audio version of 'The As If Principle' book, its thesis was change through thought was hard. It wasn't positive thinking that creates change its positive action. It turns conventional thinking on its head, stating for example: You don't sleep late and act lethargic due to depression, rather your depressed because your sleeping late and acting lethargic. If they have it at your local library it might be worth checking out.

 

Course such books are a dime a dozen. Still it did convince me that beginning a new action, gathering up enough conviction to start a new habit can be vitally important, perhaps more so then positive thinking.

[ragamor]

We live more and more in an alien society, one that would make a klingon with mental disorder proud.

You don't fit in? No sane person does.

 

You have nothing left to lose?

Now change, grow, the world is waiting for you to overcome it.

Meditation is in the end only a tool, you have yet to tap into the potentials of meditation and yourself.

Close your eyes and let go.

Let go, there is nothing more to lose.

Is something bothering you, let go.

Let all things flow true your body, mind and soul.

Edited April 6, 2013 by ragamor

[Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan]

still seems like the same as saying "haw, haw! you're suffering and cant change that, all you are allowed to do is shut your mind off and take it like a bitch"


No offense.

[voidisyinyang]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_1sPDntOTs

 

do this.

[ChiDragon]

Do you have any beliefs or religion....??? It seems that you are aware of what is going on and putting yourself together. At least, you are concentrating in your school work and doing good. Hence, it will be your triumph to success.

Edited April 6, 2013 by ChiDragon

[ragamor]

still seems like the same as saying "haw, haw! you're suffering and cant change that, all you are allowed to do is shut your mind off and take it like a bitch"

 

 

No offense.

 

Letting go is not shutting your mind off, it is to open it up and allow it to flow where it needs to be.

Most of our sufferings comes from ourself even if the world hurts, it comes from our constant struggle with ourself.

 

If you have nothing left to lose, let go.

[Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan]

I do not know what i have, or what I might lose, or "what" to let go "of"?

[BlueMonk91]

Do you have any beliefs or religion....??? It seems that you are aware of what is going on and putting yourself together. At least, your are concentrating in your school work and doing good. Hence, it will be your triumph to success.

I was raised in a Christian family but I stopped going to church when I was 15. Im getting good grades but im not thinking about the future this aspect of my life will change at some point but I can't see it evolving into anything positive.

[ragamor]

Good question.

 

Next time you meditate, start with being mindful of your breathing while letting the body breath for you.

Rest will come naturally as long you let it. All rivers starts with a single drop of water.

 

Going to bed. cya.

[BlueMonk91]

Good question.

 

Next time you meditate, start with being mindful of your breathing while letting the body breath for you.

Rest will come naturally as long you let it. All rivers starts with a single drop of water.

 

Going to bed. cya.

meditation has helped me physically i've learnt along with medical help to control my anxiety attacks

[Ish]

There's nothing wrong with you,

 

 

You are simply making the mistake of looking outside for fulfillment and also letting outside things tell you that you are good or bad.

 

You really are in complete control of your condition. Take that back and find freedom and happiness in yourself.

Legit qigong and meditation have helped me personally 100000000%. I recommend it to you.

[Birch]

I'll chime in and add there is nothing wrong with you. And I'm sorry to hear about the unhelpful, if not plain cruel remarks by family and peers. I tend more these days to see things as Ish suggests above but it takes practice, I have found.

 

I've done the travelling thing, done a bunch of therapy, experimented with mindfulness (it works, even if it can be very unpleasant) and still experiment with things, but not exactly as a means of fixing myself, given there's nothing wrong;-)

 

I also found this guy's website interesting http://mrbashful.com/

 

And you might like http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1365291658&sr=1-1&keywords=quiet

 

 

 

[Protector]

You need to remember that you are interesting and people want to talk to interesting people

Whenever you decide to talk to somebody it probably was at random or it was the closest person to you or you just think that was an interesting person.

You don't need to make yourself interesting, you already are. I don't know what it is, it's probably something you like or the way you act. Your emotions and how you feel also influence how you act and these around you act. Your depression made you look weaker and that got attention from bullies and people who would like to help, because you might get bullied.

You need to do something that makes you feel safe and awesooome, something you already like.

 

 

btw nothing wrong with you, it happens all the time

Edited April 6, 2013 by Protector

[Friend]

Edited April 7, 2013 by Friend

[Songtsan]

A lot of depression/anxiety issues and generally sensitivity is genetically influenced. Your family may seem unhelpful and uncaring simply because they also have these issues themselves. I had some similar issues as you growing up, maybe not as bad, but certainly like yours. I dont have any friends right now either, but I dont want any...I grew to be happy as a loner, but still socially able. Usually I am happy just having one significant other. So if you could simply find someone to care for you, it would help - not that that is necessary to find happiness, but it sure helps. Try online dating, or even just seeking casual sex - maybe even lower your standards for a bit to get experience - if you haven't had any friends, then that means you are likely very socially inmature...so you need to start getting some experience now before it just starts compounding. You are going to have to become immune to rejection during this process, because it is probably going to happen. When I look back on my life and all the years I was alone, I found that I was rejecting people just as much as they were rejecting me. It was my own fault that I was alone. There were many times people tried to open up to me but I judged them back because of my own hurt at being judged. Go out there and find someone who is willing to be with you and start exploring intimacy. It will heal you and make you better. Accept those who would accept you and do not judge. Also, if you are not already...try medication for anxiety and depression. Effexor works great for me...I start getting more social and talkative, less anxious, etc. People around me notice the difference. If you need to use a stepladder to get out of your pit, then do it. The ends justify the means.

Edited April 7, 2013 by Songtsan

[Taomeow]

I totally have advice! Here's what I witnessed an hour ago:

 

I was shopping for a swimsuit. There were two women around the same rack area, one perhaps in her late 30s, the other one in her early 60s. The 60-year-old was a sight to behold. You could tell right away that she adores herself and no one and nothing can stop her. She was wearing classic jeans -- that's the front -- at the back she turned them into a walking art show with a huge round patch on one pant leg, embroidered and beaded with the Native American Wheel of Life in bright colors, and a top of the same design, leaving her back and shoulders bare -- back and shoulders not pretty, nowhere near young, just her own and unashamed of. Her hair was completely grey and braided on top into an elaborate bun, as professionally executed as something you would see on a Greek statue. The 30-something-year-old was apparently blown away -- she approached the older woman, complimented her lavishly on her "presentation," told her she was "totally hip hop," introduced herself, asked the other woman's name, in other words made every effort to befriend someone who had impressed her right on the spot. I don't know if they wound up going for coffee together or exchanging phone numbers or just parted at that, because a swimsuit that attracted my attention right about then made me end my role as an observer and head for the fitting room. But I thought, well, I thought these two women both had something going for them that probably doesn't leave them friendless: The older one makes sure that what she shows the world when she steps out is creativity, boldness, liking it in her own skin -- these traits are pretty attractive at least to some folks. The other one, un-embarrassed to admit right away that she admires what she admires, instead of keeping it to herself, obviously scanning the world for people to befriend as a habitual way of being in the world, is also likely to hit the jackpot at some point -- maybe not this time, but if she does it every day... if she approaches people with a frank offer of friendship just on the merit of liking them on sight... she definitely has a chance.

 

So, my advice to you would be... well, you've guessed it, right? Don't just wait for someone to be nice to you. Initiate it. Be nice to someone. Be interested. Do you ever see people you like? Just strangers you like -- for whatever reason -- demeanor, posture, smile, even clothes?.. The second you see someone like that -- come up to them and say it! Don't fear rejection -- you don't have to be liked back in order to do it, you do it, for starters, in order to start feeling what it's like to grow up... to call the shots instead of waiting for someone else to call them for you.

 

Practice it. It won't be easy at first. Needs cultivation... but it works. In fact, there's countries in the world where MOST people are like that most of the time -- I know, I've been... Makes life easier there than here, but it's not impossible here if you're the one who decides to make it so. Word!

[BlueMonk91]

There's nothing wrong with you,

 

 

You are simply making the mistake of looking outside for fulfillment and also letting outside things tell you that you are good or bad.

 

You really are in complete control of your condition. Take that back and find freedom and happiness in yourself.

Legit qigong and meditation have helped me personally 100000000%. I recommend it to you.

aren't the outside and inside connected, so outside fulfillment is reflected by internal fulfillment

[voidisyinyang]

aren't the outside and inside connected, so outside fulfillment is reflected by internal fulfillment

 

Hey whenever I feel sorry for myself I just remember how luck I am compared to others.

 

So what helps is to immerse yourself in the suffering of others.

 

O.K. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IXNfS3feIw

 

Over a million killed by sanctions causing starvation and lack of medicine.

 

You can start with that.

 

Next I can post a good child slavery doc - 70% of U.S. chocolate is from child slavery.

 

Or sweatshop labor docs.

[BlueMonk91]

A lot of depression/anxiety issues and generally sensitivity is genetically influenced. Your family may seem unhelpful and uncaring simply because they also have these issues themselves. I had some similar issues as you growing up, maybe not as bad, but certainly like yours. I dont have any friends right now either, but I dont want any...I grew to be happy as a loner, but still socially able. Usually I am happy just having one significant other. So if you could simply find someone to care for you, it would help - not that that is necessary to find happiness, but it sure helps. Try online dating, or even just seeking casual sex - maybe even lower your standards for a bit to get experience - if you haven't had any friends, then that means you are likely very socially inmature...so you need to start getting some experience now before it just starts compounding. You are going to have to become immune to rejection during this process, because it is probably going to happen. When I look back on my life and all the years I was alone, I found that I was rejecting people just as much as they were rejecting me. It was my own fault that I was alone. There were many times people tried to open up to me but I judged them back because of my own hurt at being judged. Go out there and find someone who is willing to be with you and start exploring intimacy. It will heal you and make you better. Accept those who would accept you and do not judge. Also, if you are not already...try medication for anxiety and depression. Effexor works great for me...I start getting more social and talkative, less anxious, etc. People around me notice the difference. If you need to use a stepladder to get out of your pit, then do it. The ends justify the means.

Nobody as far as I know in my family suffers has suffered from depression. My dad is not around and my siblings are all much older. I'm not worried about my family anymore because there isn't much of a family to be worried out about anymore. I have too much negative energy to even consider dating, I need friendship more than anything. I've tried to introduce myself to people and get to know them but have had no luck. I don't think I have rejected anyone's company. Basically im crushed and I think seeing a councilor and doing some CBT this summer is my last chance to get out of this pit. Pit describes this too well, im scared and pessimistic.

[BlueMonk91]

Hey whenever I feel sorry for myself I just remember how luck I am compared to others.

 

So what helps is to immerse yourself in the suffering of others.

 

O.K. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IXNfS3feIw

 

Over a million killed by sanctions causing starvation and lack of medicine.

 

You can start with that.

 

Next I can post a good child slavery doc - 70% of U.S. chocolate is from child slavery.

 

Or sweatshop labor docs.

I'm conscious of the suffering of others, I don't intend to 'immerse' myself as a relief it's dishonest.

[voidisyinyang]

I'm conscious of the suffering of others, I don't intend to 'immerse' myself as a relief it's dishonest.

 

I stood on a bridge alone holding a banner to end the genocide on Iraq -- alone.

 

O.K. so it's not dishonest.

 

If you're really a loner then you can speak out against genocide and be glad that no one wants to waste their time with you since they'd rather be immersed in stupid genocidal culture.

 

haha.

 

I remember one of the times I got arrested protesting against genocide in Iraq - back in 1998. As the cops were booking us on the street corner the media showed up and were setting up the cameras. The sheriff went over and then before the media actually filmed us the sheriff talked to the camera person who then took down their camera and they left without filming.

 

Gotta love the corporate-state censorship.

Edited April 7, 2013 by pythagoreanfulllotus

[BlueMonk91]

I totally have advice! Here's what I witnessed an hour ago:

 

I was shopping for a swimsuit. There were two women around the same rack area, one perhaps in her late 30s, the other one in her early 60s. The 60-year-old was a sight to behold. You could tell right away that she adores herself and no one and nothing can stop her. She was wearing classic jeans -- that's the front -- at the back she turned them into a walking art show with a huge round patch on one pant leg, embroidered and beaded with the Native American Wheel of Life in bright colors, and a top of the same design, leaving her back and shoulders bare -- back and shoulders not pretty, nowhere near young, just her own and unashamed of. Her hair was completely grey and braided on top into an elaborate bun, as professionally executed as something you would see on a Greek statue. The 30-something-year-old was apparently blown away -- she approached the older woman, complimented her lavishly on her "presentation," told her she was "totally hip hop," introduced herself, asked the other woman's name, in other words made every effort to befriend someone who had impressed her right on the spot. I don't know if they wound up going for coffee together or exchanging phone numbers or just parted at that, because a swimsuit that attracted my attention right about then made me end my role as an observer and head for the fitting room. But I thought, well, I thought these two women both had something going for them that probably doesn't leave them friendless: The older one makes sure that what she shows the world when she steps out is creativity, boldness, liking it in her own skin -- these traits are pretty attractive at least to some folks. The other one, un-embarrassed to admit right away that she admires what she admires, instead of keeping it to herself, obviously scanning the world for people to befriend as a habitual way of being in the world, is also likely to hit the jackpot at some point -- maybe not this time, but if she does it every day... if she approaches people with a frank offer of friendship just on the merit of liking them on sight... she definitely has a chance.

 

So, my advice to you would be... well, you've guessed it, right? Don't just wait for someone to be nice to you. Initiate it. Be nice to someone. Be interested. Do you ever see people you like? Just strangers you like -- for whatever reason -- demeanor, posture, smile, even clothes?.. The second you see someone like that -- come up to them and say it! Don't fear rejection -- you don't have to be liked back in order to do it, you do it, for starters, in order to start feeling what it's like to grow up... to call the shots instead of waiting for someone else to call them for you.

 

Practice it. It won't be easy at first. Needs cultivation... but it works. In fact, there's countries in the world where MOST people are like that most of the time -- I know, I've been... Makes life easier there than here, but it's not impossible here if you're the one who decides to make it so. Word!

I've been doing exactly what you've described since the turn of the year at uni but seems like most people are socially settled at this age and are not too receptive to strangers.

[Songtsan]

Nobody as far as I know in my family suffers has suffered from depression. My dad is not around and my siblings are all much older. I'm not worried about my family anymore because there isn't much of a family to be worried out about anymore. I have too much negative energy to even consider dating, I need friendship more than anything. I've tried to introduce myself to people and get to know them but have had no luck. I don't think I have rejected anyone's company. Basically im crushed and I think seeing a councilor and doing some CBT this summer is my last chance to get out of this pit. Pit describes this too well, im scared and pessimistic.

 

Well, here is something then...join some clubs, groups, etc. church group, hobby group, hiking group, whatever - anything that is open to the general public...preferably with people your own age. There is this thing called the 'mere exposure effect' in psychology. That means that people become used to and start to open up to things, people, or situations that they are exposed to on a frequent basis. Perhaps you come off as aloof, standoffish, depressed, etc and that is why you are having trouble meeting people? Whatever it is, joining a group will bypass that....if you are always there at the group meetings, then people will start to interact with you, and you will get a chance to socialize more. Also, put up ads on craigslists 'strictly platonic' section...explain that you are looking for a friend and that you are kind of an introvert and not socially experiened...put an ad in both the mens and womens section, so you can have more chances of finding a pal. Also, have you tried drinking alcohol? Seriously, its a social lubricant..dont get wasted, but try drinking a few beers and your inhibitions and anxiety will get lowered and you might find that you are suddenly in conversation with people (assuming you are drinking somewhere there are people)..It worked for me in the past...Also, this one is risky, and a lot of people would disagree with me, but if all else fails, get some MDMA (ecstasy) or MDA and use it to work through your problems. If you take it and you feel more positive - take some in a social situation - not enough to be tripping balls, just enough to augment your social skills. Do your research on it first if you go this route. I did it through a slightly different route, by using LSD, but it kind of elevates you above yourself so that you can view your life problems through a more aware perspective...your first time should be a small amount, like a 1/4 hit...It works on serotonin receptors. I think a lot of your problem is low serotonin...serotonin is kind of a social chemical...experiments show that people with optimal serotonin levels are more social, more likely to find intimacy, and more outgoing in life. If you aren't into prescription meds, there are herbal alternatives like St John's Wort, or nootropics like 5-HTP which might help. Also, how is your nutrition? Are you eating well? Are you getting exercise? Physical health influences emotional health. Thats enother idea too: join an exercise group, like Yoga, Tai chi, dance....again you can meet people - if they see you there a few times a week you are bound to meet someone eventually. Remember if you get rejected 99 times out of a 100, go out there and take those 100 chances, because eventually you will end up meeting someone.