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Thank you so much for sharing! I found a lot of that relatable and will go into more detail soon.
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What's with this Relative and Absolute Reality dichotomy? It is all very confusing...
dwai replied to dwai's topic in General Discussion
This is akin to how before one knows what a mirage is, it is mistaken for water. Once it becomes known what a mirage is, a mirage still appears to be a body of water from the distance, but one understands it is just a mirage. -
Sure. I'm 32 approaching 33; I started transitioning in late 2021 (age 30). Family background: My dad cheated on my mother when I was 4-5; they divorced when I was 5, and within a few years my dad married the woman he had been cheating with. I spent most of my time with my mom, who was very dedicated to meeting my material and intellectual needs, but had a very disappointing life (beyond the breakdown of her marriage), and was very bitter and controlling. My dad compensated for this by being the fun, no rules parent. So I swung wildly between feeling totally stifled and being left entirely to my own devices. A big part of the stifling was that my mom needed me to be The Thing She Did Right. Everything else in her life may have gone wrong, but at least she was a Good Mother. Which meant that my attempts to claim independence for myself, to be my own person, generally went unheard. This shows up with regard to my first dysphoric memory, which is of being on a swim team in middle school. I remember feeling intense distress at the thought of changing in the boys' locker room. But I couldn't tell my mother this: she'd tell me to grow up, that there was nothing to be ashamed of, etc. (Would she actually have told me this? Who knows. I didn't trust her enough to find out.) So I would lie and say that I had a headache and couldn't go. (Eventually I learned to give myself actual headaches, so I wouldn't have to lie...) From there, I spent most of the next twenty years just... shut-down. I was consistently depressed. I was unable to imagine a future for myself, so I took the easy life path, the one that didn't involve making decisions for myself, taking the career path that both my parents took. I could feel pleasure, but not really joy—any joys I felt were brief flashes in the dark. I think it's fair to say that for twenty years I did not have three consecutive happy days. (When I finally realized I was trans, and I felt good for a week straight, I couldn't believe it. It was a totally new experience. I was sure I didn't get to keep it...) Much happened in that void (including the rise and fall of a nice heterosexual marriage), but let's skip to 2020. Before then, I'd occasionally encountered discussions of trans people, which raised a weird mix of fascination and repulsion. Sometimes I'd wonder if I was trans, but I always shut that down quickly. In late 2020, I started a relationship with a trans woman. It was a horrible relationship, but in early 2021, near the end of it, she told me she thought I was trans. That loosened something: after that, when I asked myself, "am I trans", the answer wasn't an immediate "no". I was willing to countenance the thought that the answer might be "yes". Eight months later, I had a moment of utter clarity, where I saw my desire shining with impossible brightness, and at the same time saw clearly the complex knot of fear that was keeping from that desire. I've been Rose ever since. Life has been good since then, not because it is constant joy but because both joy and suffering are present to me. I exist, I feel my existence, I don't need to run from it. But when I look back, I feel tremendous sadness. I have a narrative memory of what happened, but I wasn't there for it. My life before late 2021 is a void. I never got to be a girl. I never got to be a young woman. For all the space I took up, for all the things I did, I was a non-entity.
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it is part of a general theory of mine which is that the Chinese influence on Tibetan Buddhism has been downplayed - also having read Olivia Kohn’s ‘ sitting in oblivion’ there is a strong Daoist/ Buddhist crossover which I think works both ways.
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Yes, same place, different methods.
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Why is that? Genuinely curious.
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What's with this Relative and Absolute Reality dichotomy? It is all very confusing...
forestofemptiness replied to dwai's topic in General Discussion
In my mind, the knowing should be direct. We do have conceptions, but these are little swirls in the pool of mind-stuff. A good concept is one that leads one toward the non-conceptual absolute. For instance, Ramana proposes one examine the I-thought or aham vritti. It is still a vritti, an object, but ii is a better object than others because it is "closer" to the absolute than other objects. Still, it is like trying to build a physical scale model of absolute space, or an ice sculpture of the ocean, or using words to describe the background screen on which they appear. Focus on the words and one may miss the lighted background. It is better to find out for oneself rather than fill the mind full of thoughts about it. However, some personal observations follow: Initially, these seem like opposing tendencies in my experience. Also initially, the more one focuses on and interacts with objects, the more the objectless background tends appear to fade and tends to be hidden in alignment with the "perceptions are mental" points. Objects become more and more pronounced, solidified, and feel more "real." However, a shift "toward" the background (or inherent nature) has the opposite effect. Now the background is clear and objects less so, thoughts tend to fade and dissolve, emotions stabilize, and objects might even drop away altogether. But this is a false duality. The presence of the words doesn't hide or impact the background, and the lighted background is needed for the words to appear. Nor does one need to eliminate or make the words go away. The words depend on the background, but the background transcends any and all words. -
Everyone post some favorite quotes!
blue eyed snake replied to GrandTrinity's topic in General Discussion
BES -
Is a nondual realisation equivalent to a kundalini activation?
blue eyed snake replied to idiot_stimpy's topic in General Discussion
can only give my personal experience, Kundalini came totally unexpected and it cut away ego in one fell swoop. for many weeks I walked around dazed. That one fell swoop had made me realize that those stories that I had always shrugged away as woowoo were true, that ego was made out of nothing, that the phrase "were all one" has substance. but I could not live like that and a new storyline, a new ego built up. again reactive et cetera Now with the underlying knowledge that it is just a story -
I currently do not know senior. I think im going for Taoism teachings, but I am also considering Abrahamic teachings. As for my end goal, I haven't really thought about it that way. I started taoism cultivation because ive always found it fascinating how youre able to become immortal with cultivation. Although im sure it isnt possible, im still REALLY hoping that it is possible by some chance. ( A good thing to mention is that I am currently trying to invent a martial art that can bring the fantasy into reality. I know it is a LOT to wish for, im certain that i can complete something like that within this lifetime.) If senior has any advice or help he can give me, i will be eternally grateful.
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Oh you mean like Kung Fu stuff??
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Lol, thank you senior
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Shaolin. Or, at least one of the traditions affiliated with it.
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I'm very sorry to hear that. If you don't mind sharing would you care to elaborate? I don't actually know any trans people in real life so I would love to hear someone else's story (that's of course if you are comfortable sharing).
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This makes me very happy to hear! My relationship to my past is a rather pained one, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
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Critique heard and appreciated! I'll take a bookcase photo, unblocked by unnecessary human, when I return home
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found it, Matthew 19-12 in my motherlanguage it says something like: he who can understand it, let him understand. With an undertone of" this is not easy to understand/grasp, but some people will understand." I read it as: some guys are so devoted to the spiritual path that they will cut off their balls to e totally devoted to their path. ergo, they are not distracted anymore by arousal and lust and wet dreams https://biblehub.com/matthew/19-12.htm so, very different the transitioning but same lowering of testosteron and loss of libido due to that.
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I remember guys always saying I did understand their point of view much better then other women and that they experienced that as helpful. I think the indigenous people of america said that 2 spirit people can be a bridge between the 2 sexes when those trouble each other.
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Thany you but your bookcase is not in focus.
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Would you mind sharing which Buddhist traditions work through the body? I have never heard of this.
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Indeed! Big fan of "Clarifying the Natural State". Also worth reading the last few feet of the understanding: "Progressive Stages of Meditation on Emptiness" by Khenpo Tsultrim Gyamtso Rinpoche. Agreed. Absolutely. One need someone who has complete insight to help navigate maps like this. Self-diagnosis isn't always helpful, especially when you might never encounter some of the map locations (I'm looking at you here, Progress of Insight). So, what is your practice background?
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This I suppose is a good topic for the old transgender thread. Personally I feel like my relationship to my old boy life is more positive than a lot of other transwomen. I think one reason is that I was so suppressed for so long I just thought I was a boy and didn't really question it for a long time. So it's hard to hate something that you thought you were ok with at the time. The other thing is that while obviously I didn't ultimately feel comfortable as a boy, I didn't hate myself. I practiced self compassion even back then and I think that helped a lot. Besides now I have the unique perspective of seeing life from both points of view and that is something most people don't have. People seem to be fascinated when I tell them how life as a boy was verses life as a girl.
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That is how I refer to myself, so sample size of one says yes lol. "one time back when I was a boy" makes me think "this one time at band camp"
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I have certainly offended my mother before by telling her how I really feel about my childhood. She has, and is welcome to have, whatever fond memories of it she likes. But my memories—when they exist at all—are mostly of a suffering I could not articulate, both for lack of the words to shape it and lack of trust in those around me to understand me if I did find the words.
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My current view for what it is worth is that Dzogchen and Mahamudra derive from Zouwang.
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