My "First-Place Winner" Ego refuse to surrender to others because I hurt so bad at not being the best in everything.

[2ndchance]

I Apologize Most Sincerely To The Universe And To All Beings Of All Existences For My "First-Place Winner" Ego.

 

Ever since I was born, my parents and my elders have drummed the "First-Place Winner" egoistical thinking into me so much so that I felt unloved if I do not get the best grades at school, if I do not get the best money-making professional career and especially if I do not get the best woman in the world who can give me the best children in the world.

 

All of my life, I wanted the best in everything. I wanted to be the best in everything. A winner who is at the top of his game like one of my idols Michael Jordan. 

 

My "First-Place Winner" Ego applies especially in the pursuit of women, sex and romance. This was why I became a Pick-Up Artists and this was also why I was so obsessed with earning money by being a businessman who is dealing with the most profitable, top-notch, most designer goods.

 

I just can't stand being second place or third place or God Forbid, the last place in the eyes of women, especially the women of my own race whom I truly desire. 

 

I despise myself for being a beta male. I despise myself for not being an alpha male.

 

I despise myself for not being a winner like Michael Jordan although i am not exactly into basketball, just into Michael Jordan's winner mentality.

 

Michael Jordan's quote of being a Winner whose famous quote of “Obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.” still stick with me to this day, to this second.

 

But I am a Loser. I am a Loser who doesn't know what to do with my life. I am unemployed for many years. I am physically weak. I suffer from energetic problems which gave me so much insomnia, so much fatigue, so much energy disorientation so much energy disruption in my life.

 

I can't hold a conversation with beautiful women of my own race whom I truly desire without feeling insecure.

 

Even if I just want to be a sincere friend nowadays with beautiful women of my own race without expecting anything in return, for christs' sakes, every beautiful woman of my own race whom I truly desire would give me the cold shoulder.

 

I am a Loser. 

But you know, I just want to be Happy. 

 

Even if it means being a Happy Loser.

 

I am so tried so weak so sleepy.

 

I just want to sleep well eat well every day.

 

If I can mediate well, that would be an added bonus.

 

I don't ask for anything else, my Father my Universal Creator.

 

I doubt if I can even reach Enlightenment in this lifetime which truly terrify me inside.

 

I am so afraid of being reborn again to face all of my lessons again.

 

I am so afraid of being so weak.

 

I am so afraid of being so tired.

 

I am so afraid of being a slave to society, a corporate slave, a slave to my desires, a slave to unenlightened beings.

 

Please forgive me, anyone who can read this.

[2ndchance]

In 2005, a woman named "Alice Zaper" broke my heart so bad that I nearly died of heart pain in a field in Sydney, Australia.

 

Because of "Alice Zaper", I became a Pick-Up Artist who would seduced women into bed without putting my emotions at all into relationships.

 

I merely want to go into business to earn money to buy sexual favors from women without putting my emotions into loving them.

 

I simply destroyed all my emotions and as a result, the dark nights of my soul began in 2010 till now.

 

I suffered from countless negative energetic negative emotional attacks to my heart and to the back of my heart causing me insomnia every night and severe fatigue every day.

 

For 10 years now, I have been suffering from spiritual health attacks and no matter how much I mediate no matter how many mantras I chant, my problems never went away.

 

I can't work at any job.

 

I just suffer like a mental health patient.

 

All these because I cut off all my emotions, especially in the pursuit of women.

 

So to "Alice Zaper", I dedicate the following song to you to make amends for all of my sins.

 

Are you alright now?

We had a hard time
Our ending was
Just a farewell
It was too hard
I heard you are doing well
You are already seeing a good person
I didn't ask it but someone told me
Good job
You couldn't have endured it
to overcome that emptiness
Are you happy now that you are in love?
When you start in a relationship
You don't know how beautiful you are
I still can't forget how you looked
I can't get over it
It even gets worse in a day I hear about you
Do you like him?
To be honest, I can't bear it
I wish you would have a tough time, too
Just one-tenth of the pain I'm feeling
Just one-tenth of the pain I'm feeling
please be in pain
and then be happy
It is unfair
It feels like I'm the only one in pain
Am I the only one who has broke down?
I was in love just once. Am I overreacting to it?
It's too complicated.
Certainly I wanted you to be happy.
I didn't know I'd miss you this soon
Are you happy now that you are in love?
When you start in a relationship
You don't know how beautiful you are
I still can't forget it
I can't get over it
It gets even worse in a day I hear about you
Do you like him?
To be honest, I can't bear it.
I wish you too would have a tough time too
Just one-tenth of the pain I'm feeling
please be in pain
and then be happy
If you're ever reminded of me
If you're ever reminded of me
ask how I'm doing
"Doing well."
I'm sure everyone say like that.
Cause they all think I am fine.
Because of the petty ego
I live with pretending that
I'm doing good
I'm doing good
Are you really happy?
Am I just a forgettable memory to you?
I am just your ex-boyfriend
who didn't get to love you right
Just love that passed by

Edited March 15, 2019 by 2ndchance

[lifeforce]

I think you need to speak to a mental health professional at the earliest opportunity. This forum probably isn't going to be the best place for you right now.

Meditation and mantras could amplify any emotions.

[Lost in Translation]

3 hours ago, lifeforce said:

Meditation and mantras could amplify any emotions.

 

This is so true. To the outsider, walking along the spiritual path looks like a path of roses; to the one walking the path, each rose has a thorn, the underbrush is strewn with thistles, and the invisible insects just love to bite; so my advice to anyone outside looking in is this: be careful what you ask for.

 

That said, @2ndchance you need to start small. Don't focus on the "end-game," that's too far off. You'll only drive yourself crazy if that's your focus. Instead, focus on what is right before you. Focus on today. Focus on now. Focus on what you are doing at this exact moment. Focus on what you are feeling in this exact moment. Listen to your own heart beat. Feel your own breath. Feel your own emotions as they well up inside you then crash like waves against a jetty and flow back to the sea. Don't try to be the best for all time. Simply do a good job today.

Edited March 15, 2019 by Lost in Translation

[manitou]

7 hours ago, 2ndchance said:

 

 

 

I am so afraid of being reborn again to face all of my lessons again.

 

 

 

 

This thought occurs to me as well, 2ndchance.

 

If your initial and following posts, it made me wonder if your posts were ignited by some sort of substance.  That is the same mental place I would get into when I drank a lot.  But if not.....

 

It sounds to me like you are on a threshold of sorts.  You were not capable of seeing your shortcomings until they started to peel away from you.  Before this, you were your shortcomings. This seems to me like this is how the system works.  If we reach a place where we can see ourselves for what we really are, warts and all, this is certainly a big step toward enlightenment.  After all, a big component of enlightenment is nothing more than the intentional removal of our previous conditioning - which has to be seen before it can be removed.  You appear to be at a place where you are seeing much of your conditioning to this point.  Your unhappiness with your alpha male ego is huge.  Personally, I think you're on the verge of a quantum leap to the next level, whatever that may be.

 

Do be patient with yourself.  Do understand that everyone who has reached enlightenment had to go through exactly what you're going through - looking at themselves for who they really are, and taking responsibility for the fact that we've screwed up in the past and hurt many people in the process.  Some would call it the Dark Night of the soul.  It is a necessary rite of passage.

 

But you're in just the right place, on this website, where people will understand exactly where you are and what you're going through.  I wish you the very best, friend.  Just don't give up right before the miracle occurs.

 

Love to you -

 

Manitou

Edited March 15, 2019 by manitou

[steve]

Wow...

 

Edited March 15, 2019 by steve

[thelerner]

The internet is littered with self help advice.  At the risk of adding more dreck to it, I'd say concentrate on one thing at a time.  Sleep is important and sleep preparation starts in the evening.  Stopping the news and internet.  Doing something boring, maybe some sips of an night time herbal tea or pill like ZMA.. look into it, spend time, and get sleep right.  Then healthy breakfast.  Then a To-do list with 2 or 3 musts, relatively easy ones that you should accomplish.

 

I'd also say, let go the past.  Unless you've got a time machine, stop blaming and thinking about it.  Every month, every day is a chance to begin fresh.  Go forward.  We all fall somewhere between best and worst.  It doesn't matter.  What matters is (cliche alert) doing your best (addon eh screw that, what matters is showing up and putting in honest effort).  Start easy, measure, make progress.. continue.. get back up when you fall down..thats how we do better in life.  Not a hard formula. 

Edited March 15, 2019 by thelerner

[liminal_luke]

Perhaps you need a 2nd chance?  (Or a third, fourth, or fifth...etc)  If so, you´re certainly in good company.  Lots of people like to make it appear that they´re more successful than they really are so I hope you won´t get fooled into feeling bad about yourself because of social comparisons.  It´s also possible that First-Place Winner status wouldn´t make you as happy as you might think, even if you were suddenly to magically achieve it.  

 

People say to take things a day at a time, but that´s often too ambitious.  Can you enoy the present moment?  Better yet, can you be present for this present moment -- no matter how it feels?  Be a winner at that.  That might be the only winning that really counts anyway.

 

LL

Edited March 15, 2019 by liminal_luke

[Everything]

The love you want already is, waiting for you to allow yourself the realisation of it.

[manitou]

Going a little further with the self discovery idea - I'd love to share one of most wonderful passages I've ever read, from "Advanced Course in Yogi Philosophy and Oriental Occultism" by Yogi Ramacharaka, written in 1904:

 

"The brute instincts are still with us, constantly forcing themselves into our field of thought.  Occultists learn to curb and control these lower instincts, subordinating them to the higher mental ideals which unfold into the field of consciousness.  Do not be discouraged if you still find that you have much of the animal within your nature - we all have - the only difference is that some of us have learned to control the brute, and to keep him in leash and subordinate and obedient to the higher parts of our nature, while others allow the beast to rule them, and they shiver and turn pale when he shows his teeth, not seeming to realize that a firm demeanor and a calm mind will cause the beast to retreat to his corner and allow himself to be kept behind bars.

 

"If you find constant manifestations of the beast within you, struggling to be free and to assert his old power, do not be disturbed.  This is no sign of weakness, but is really an indication that your spiritual growth has begun.  For whereas you now recognize the brute, and feel ashamed, you formerly did not realize his presence -- were not aware of his existence, for you WERE the brute himself.  It is only because you are trying to divorce yourself from him, that you feel ashamed of his presence.  You cannot see him until you begin to be 'different' from him.

 

"Learn to be a tamer of wild beasts, for you have a whole menagerie within you.  The lion; the tiger; the hyena, the ape, the pig, the peacock, and all the rest are there, constantly showing forth some of their characteristics.  Do not fear them - smile at them when they show themselves -- for you are stronger than they, and can bring them to subjection -- and their appearance is useful to you in the way of instructing you as to their existence.

 

"They are an amusing lot, when you have reached the stage where you are able to practically stand aside and see them perform their tricks, and go through their antics.  You then feel strongly that they are not YOU, but something apart from you -- something from which you are becoming rapidly divorced.  Do not worry about the beasts -- for you are the master."

[maheosphet]

On 3/15/2019 at 5:11 AM, 2ndchance said:

I Apologize Most Sincerely To The Universe And To All Beings Of All Existences For My "First-Place Winner" Ego.

 

Ever since I was born, my parents and my elders have drummed the "First-Place Winner" egoistical thinking into me so much so that I felt unloved if I do not get the best grades at school, if I do not get the best money-making professional career and especially if I do not get the best woman in the world who can give me the best children in the world.

 

All of my life, I wanted the best in everything. I wanted to be the best in everything. A winner who is at the top of his game like one of my idols Michael Jordan. 

 

My "First-Place Winner" Ego applies especially in the pursuit of women, sex and romance. This was why I became a Pick-Up Artists and this was also why I was so obsessed with earning money by being a businessman who is dealing with the most profitable, top-notch, most designer goods.

 

I just can't stand being second place or third place or God Forbid, the last place in the eyes of women, especially the women of my own race whom I truly desire. 

 

I despise myself for being a beta male. I despise myself for not being an alpha male.

 

I despise myself for not being a winner like Michael Jordan although i am not exactly into basketball, just into Michael Jordan's winner mentality.

 

Michael Jordan's quote of being a Winner whose famous quote of “Obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.” still stick with me to this day, to this second.

 

But I am a Loser. I am a Loser who doesn't know what to do with my life. I am unemployed for many years. I am physically weak. I suffer from energetic problems which gave me so much insomnia, so much fatigue, so much energy disorientation so much energy disruption in my life.

 

I can't hold a conversation with beautiful women of my own race whom I truly desire without feeling insecure.

 

Even if I just want to be a sincere friend nowadays with beautiful women of my own race without expecting anything in return, for christs' sakes, every beautiful woman of my own race whom I truly desire would give me the cold shoulder.

 

I am a Loser. 

But you know, I just want to be Happy. 

 

Even if it means being a Happy Loser.

 

I am so tried so weak so sleepy.

 

I just want to sleep well eat well every day.

 

If I can mediate well, that would be an added bonus.

 

I don't ask for anything else, my Father my Universal Creator.

 

I doubt if I can even reach Enlightenment in this lifetime which truly terrify me inside.

 

I am so afraid of being reborn again to face all of my lessons again.

 

I am so afraid of being so weak.

 

I am so afraid of being so tired.

 

I am so afraid of being a slave to society, a corporate slave, a slave to my desires, a slave to unenlightened beings.

 

Please forgive me, anyone who can read this.

 

 

To truly love and love truly, one first begins by loving themselves. Not because of some reason, but just because you can. We often try to attach ideas and thought to what love is, but love is beyond those things. Love is a feeling, and to feel love you just feel it. So just put all the ideas and thoughts about what love is, what love means, what love entails, etc... and just try feeling it without all those attachments to it.

[manitou]

7 minutes ago, maheosphet said:

 

 

To truly love and love truly, one first begins by loving themselves.

 

 

For me, this is much easier said than done.  Those of us with nasty upbringings, the reverberations seem to go on ad infinitum.  When you're brought up feeling like a P.O.S. it is next to impossible to undo this.

 

The only time I truly feel love is when I am in Oneness with life, with all things, all animals, all people.  From time to time.  And to remember that when I am looking into the pupils of another's eyes, that I am looking at the vast, void awareness that we all have in common.  It'd be great if I could stay in that mindset, but at some point that just becomes 'the Practice'.