WillingToListen

Okay. I'd really like to start living again. :(

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I walked out on my job last october. Started to find myself within isolation. Had a kundalini "arousal"(I don't think it was a 'full' one, i didn't have spontaneous mudras and stuff). Became very content with the life I was living and loved going out and helping others. Then I started having these "rolling epiphanies" about lots of things. Now, I've just been so depressed for the last few months.

 

I feel like I can't do anything :(

 

I used to be so creative and I loved writing stories and poems, now I can barely think of a line if my life depended on it :(

 

I really need to get a job, but I've become so discouraged by the turndowns(prior criminal history) and just the overall seemingly downward spiral that has been my life for the past few months.

 

I only had a few friends left when my awakening first started, now I have none.

It's like I only exist on the internet :(

 

My parents are losing the house, I've no money, car, job or resources.

 

Often I just want to die and I just lay around in this sad stupor that I can't seem to climb out of,

 

I absolutely hate not being able to write anymore. It's bad enough society views me as useless, now I can;t help but to share the same viewpoint.

 

My life is worthless now :( :( :( :( :( :(

 

I lost the only thing I held dearly. My art, my music.

 

 

 

Oh god it;s terrible. I used to cry so much, now I just feel like this husk of a human.

 

I've been isolated from people for months and my own creative sparks for longer.

 

I'm so sad guys, I really want it back, really really bad. Now im crying. why cant i just do what i want. why isnt my brain mine anymore

 

 

a guy told me that kundalini clears karma, so does that mean i just earned it all back.

 

theres so many things i really wanted to do and now they seem impossible.

 

im scared to even continue the path because i feel like if i get any farther away from humanity ill just die ir go crazy. my hightened senses are dulling now because i dont entertain them i guess thats good, now it doesnt feel like the landlines ringing inside my head anymore and i can finally concentrate on whats right in front of me instead od seeing everything in the room at once

 

why is this so hard why cant i be happy i just wanted simple things now im 24 and i feel like all my oportunities are passing me by.

 

im scared im scared its going to be this way forever if it is il just kill myself because i cant live with that with this

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You may have "crossed the first threshold" and be approaching the full immersion into the womb of your unconscious soon ("whale's belly"). As you do, your "outer self" shall be shed as your "inner self" re-emerges. This may be followed by a deep, cathartic cleansing (rocky "road of trials")...

Crossing the First Threshold - The hero eventually comes to the point of no return and must overcome whatever obstacles (including his/her own fear) that prevent him/her from going forward

 

With the personifications of his destiny to guide him, the hero goes forward in his adventure until he comes to the ‚Äėthreshold guardian‚Äô at the entrance to the zone of magnified power‚Ķ. Beyond [the guardian] is darkness, the unknown, and danger‚Ķ

The regions of the unknown (desert, jungle, deep sea, alien land, etc.) are free fields for projections of unconscious content.

The adventure is always and everywhere a passage beyond the veil of the known into the unknown; the powers that watch at the boundary are dangerous; to deal with them is risky; yet for anyone with competence and courage the danger fades.

 

The Belly of the Whale - The hero enters the adventure proper, depicted as a region of powerfully transformative powers embodied in many (sometimes terrifying) forms


The idea that the passage of the magical threshold is a transit into a sphere of rebirth is symbolized in the worldwide womb image of the belly of he whale.

This popular motif gives emphasis to the lesson that the passage of the threshold is a form of self-annihilation…. Instead of passing outward, beyond the confines of the visible world, the hero goes inward, to be born again.

 

The Road of Trials - The hero faces many tests of his/her courage, resilience, resourcefulness, and intelligence

 

it may be that he here discovers for the first time that there is a benign power everywhere supporting him in his superhuman passage.

In the vocabulary of the mystics, this is the second stage of the Way, that of the ‚Äėpurification of the self,‚Äô when the senses are cleansed and humbled,‚Äô and the energies and interests ‚Äėconcentrated upon transcendental things...‚ÄĚ

The original departure into the land of trials represented only the beginning of the long and really perilous path of initiatory conquests and moments of illumination. Dragons have now to be slain and surprising barriers passed‚ÄĒagain, again, and again. Meanwhile there will be a multitude of preliminary victories, unretainable ecstasies, and momentary glimpses of the wonderful land.

monomyth.jpg

Buckle up, as your journey is just beginning and there is no turning back now! :lol:

Edited by vortex

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You may have "crossed the first threshold" and be approaching the full immersion into the womb of you unconscious soon ("whale's belly"). As you do, your "outer self" shall be shed as your "inner self" re-emerges. This may be followed by a deep, cathartic cleansing (rocky "road of trials")...

 

:( :( :( :( :( :(

 

 

Considered moving to another country? Or moving to a completely new town and pick up a job as a farmer or something.

I have no money and neither does my family

 

 

Sit in full lotus -- that will put your kundalini experience into perspective.

I can't bend like that, I've never really done yoga before

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Hmmm...ever try to workout or doing exercise outside, like cycling??? Try it. Try to do something not involving with your creativity. Kundalini energy is ruthless when it rises. It will get stuck at various chakras points if you have issues you haven't resolved. Try to ground yourself by thinking and feeling like the mother earth. Don't fantasize crazy ideas that may crash on you later. You need to figure out at which points the Kundalini is getting stuck. That my help you to understand your own inner emotional issues.

 

 

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You may have "crossed the first threshold" and be approaching the full immersion into the womb of you unconscious soon ("whale's belly"). As you do, your "outer self" shall be shed as your "inner self" re-emerges. This may be followed by a deep, cathartic cleansing (rocky "road of trials")...

monomyth.jpg

Buckle up, as your journey is just beginning and there is no turning back now! :lol:

Hahahah...Joseph Cambell and Carl Jung... My 2 favorite authors. I am always grateful that I have discovered Carl Jung in my journey, that was before the internet became big. The odds and the co-incidence of it all. What a ride..... I laugh at all of my nemesis

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I found this http://helpmewrite.co/

 

Although it may not be an immediate help. I figured you might find it interesting.

 

I can only speak for myself, but the stuff you're talking about, I know (I think I know) what you're talking about. IME it does get better (well, at some point, so many thing are better than hell:-)) Is it unavoidable? No idea. The 'classics' also (as Vortex has illustrated) go into this 'hero's journey'.

 

If you look around on the forum for grounding practices and kundalini-related stuff, you'll find good stuff. Up in the Buddhism forum there's a thread running on grounding.

 

At one point I had a personal practice forum to put my rantings in. I nixed it not so recently. It was weird. I would recommend having one though, writing was very much a part of things for me.

 

Also, the healing circle people. It all sounds batty (to me at least) but there's stuff that works. As does acupuncture. Lifestyle changes.

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You may find your creativity is different after you go through healing. You can create from a different heart space.

 

I mean theres people who are creative at mass killings and then theres people who make disney films/love songs.

 

Be thankful to this experience for teaching you what it needs to. My perception of my parents telling me IM worthless (which I dont even remember anymore due to perspective change) I try to see it as teaching me that I can trust myself and not depend on them for my sense of self or the environment or society, or understanding how parents can be. Kind of like every cloud has a silver lining and then the situation changes once your perspective changes. Having past life memories recently of being a really violent father, and being a kid who got abandoned and beaten by a father. I feel pretty thankful for my parents now.

 

Change your focus, ignore reaffirming this idea of whats happening or complaining it just strengthens it.

 

I really wish you the best man.

Edited by sinansencer
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can you give me a very clear list of what you want out of life and the spiritual/kundalini experience?

 

do you want it back? do you want to come down from it? its clear that you want your creativity back, but give some more details

 

then i might be able to give advice

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Why don't you share some of your poems and writings on this forum? You may find some clues within your own writings.

Not comfortable

 

can you give me a very clear list of what you want out of life and the spiritual/kundalini experience?

 

do you want it back? do you want to come down from it? its clear that you want your creativity back, but give some more details

 

then i might be able to give advice

I want my creativity back, the void is huge- I used to just be able to do it whenever i wanted. Now there's this monolithic wall of sadness casting shadow over me, I feel like I cant even move sometimes, sometimes i can barely open a door

 

i want to be able to write again, i was very happy with my skill level.

i want to make music again.

i want to to be able to write a book at some point.

i want a friend.

i want a girlfriend.

i want my opinion back, indifference is knowing oftentimes- oftentimes i'd just rather be an opiniated dick(actually though)

 

i want nothing more from kundalini, all i wanted from it is to be able to help others-

people can usually only be helped when they're open to it/ready to recieve it- not often.

i can't help others nearly as much as i wanted

so i want to start helping myself

theres not much of myself i can help :( :( :( i dont feel like im here half the time.

it gave me a kind of supreme insight, at a point my senses were so heightened i could barely stand it.

i could tell when people were lying, i learned a lot about my surroundings, i could communicate with nature and other stuff.

i've seen so much that i just started closing myself off to everything, closed my brain back up

but now it isnt the way i left it, it feel like im a husk.

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This guy Tao Semko gives advice on Kundalini. Keep doing your practices. http://m.youtube.com/channel/UCdqXHUNuIq69dnxAF5gPF2Q

 

My 2 cents, Peac

i'll watch, but the thing is i never practiced anything.(still don't :/)

i prayed once in a while, i meditated once in a while.

smoked weed once after months of not doing it, k crept down from my brain into my heart.

Edited by WillingToListen

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i want nothing more from kundalini, all i wanted from it is to be able to help others-

people can usually only be helped when they're open to it/ready to recieve it- not often.

i can't help others nearly as much as i wanted

so i want to start helping myself

theres not much of myself i can help :( :( :( i dont feel like im here half the time.

it gave me a kind of supreme insight, at a point my senses were so heightened i could barely stand it.

i could tell when people were lying, i learned a lot about my surroundings, i could communicate with nature and other stuff.

i've seen so much that i just started closing myself off to everything, closed my brain back up

but now it isnt the way i left it, it feel like im a husk.

 

Our stories are different, but there is enough similarity that I want to share something that helped me.

 

"You can hold yourself back from the sufferings of the world: this is something you are free to do and is in accord with your nature, but perhaps precisely this holding back is the only suffering that you might be able to avoid."

--Kafka

 

 

It isn't easy when almost no one seems to share your perspective. Things that seem obvious to you, they deny, even as it hurts them. Over time it is easy to get discouraged. Getting discouraged is missing the point though. Getting discouraged is arguing with how things are and that always hurts. You know too deeply that the way that you used to do things does not lead where you want it to. Something in you knows this so deeply that you literally cannot do it any more. But you have also lost faith in the new way that has opened before you.

 

How do we lose faith?

 

We ask for too much. We stop noticing what is right before our eyes. We ignore what we can do to focus on what we can't.

 

Everything that you need is right before you. If you feel like you can't move, notice that. Notice the thoughts that create that feeling. Or if no thoughts are running, notice the feeling, the tension-- notice the not wanting the feeling. That is literally all that you need to do.

 

You will know that you are doing it right because there will be a sense of peace, even in difficulty. There will be a taste of ease, however slight. Until then, there is something that you aren't letting in.

 

It is good that you are interested in helping yourself, but what is it that helps the most?

 

What is it like to turn the unconditional acceptance that you felt flowing toward the world back toward yourself? If you can do this, then meeting the world will no longer be a problem.

 

The funny thing is that we can't do this. This is not something that we can muster up and make happen. But we can notice it and make a little space, give it a little attention, a little devotion.

 

And as far as practical concerns go-- just do the next most obvious thing. You will find your way.

Edited by Todd
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I went through the whole kundalini awakening, the prison thing, and many ups and downs mentally/emotionally...What you describe is severe depression and anhedonia, maybe even some derealization and depersonalization, possibly bipolar related. This is serious and in my experience, there is a time for medication, and this is such a time. If you dont have health insurance, you are eligible for medicaid since you don't make any money....go to your department of social services, start the process, and schedule an appointment to see a mental health provider right away (one that takes medicaid)...you can see these people even before you get approved for medicaid, as long as you've started the process. When you see these people be up front and tell them the truth about how things are going.

 

Yes this can happen to people with kundalini events and often does...it can last years. Going on meds won't interfere with kundalini. I recommend you pay no attention to kundalini, and only practice grounding exercises, practice things which bring you into the 'real moment,' meaning paying attention to external things, internal body awareness-basically anything you can sense in the actual moment, not mental things that have nothing to do with reality (such as the past, the future, hypothetical scenarios, or spiritual fantasies).

 

Focus on your health and finding work. Some people who have never experienced real depression, the kind where your body almost feels like you aren't inhabiting it, as if you have no willpower left, might tell you to try to stick it out without meds, that you should be a tough guy, some kind of ninja and master it naturally, forget that!....if its so bad that you feel like there is a weight on your chest and you dont even have enough energy to breathe, then its time to get help.

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All the energy that is going through sadness can also be routed through gladness... do all the little and so-called mundane things that need doing and give thanks for all of them, including extending and accepting small acts of kindness around others (everyone possible) Never take the small pleasures in life like a walk in the park and a good cup of tea or coffee for granted. Keep at it for what else is one to do (?) -like take the option of hurting oneself and or others directly or indirectly in various sad ways that snow-ball into a downhill run? To heck with that. Simple but noble effort and work will change stumbling blocks into stepping stones, and all the big problems will end up being reduced and then taken care of... prayer helps.

 

God is not distant, spooky or mumbo-jumbo sounding talk about often misunderstood "eastern" meditation methods, God is like the purest air and water with light shining through it that gives life and deeply refreshes one so that they can carry on. Isn't that the power in the heart of every soul - to get up and carry on even if or when one slips? And as one gets stronger step by step they to will be able to help fellow souls get back up and carry on! (for what else is one to do along the way?)

Edited by 3bob
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I go through the K stuff every day too. I've gone through a lot of personality and personal direction changes as well. I was creative before but K made me more creative. It adds spiritual level of depth to whatever thing you are writing about, you dont even have to think about it, it will just happen. So you could write an essay about making lemonade on the street corner and the by the end of it you will realize you've written about alchemy of the soul as well. I wrote songs complaining about kundalini, I could write them till the cows come home if I wanted. This is the way of art. Spiritual awakenings stimulate art, always and siempre.

Edited by de_paradise

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What do you want? Make a mental list.

 

 

 

Now 'really' let go of everything on that list, and know that those 'wants' are the very things which is causing the problem in the first place.

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Try to spend a few minutes of each day NOT thinking about your problems, and just LOVING yourself, and giving some gratitude for the things you have. A warm bed to sleep in, a family that will listen to you. Think about the millions of children who are born into abject poverty and will never know anything else. Think about them, and give them your love as well.

 

This is the internet, but we are real people trying to give advice. I suggest you connect with people around you, those who you can look in the eyes.

 

If you feel like the internet is your only personality, then leave the internet. Put the computer away, and see how you really don't need it to survive. Go walk around. Volunteer yourself at a local soup kitchen, and you might meet people out there who are kind and generous.

 

Don't take stock in what the majority of people think of you, everyone has their own craziness going on and everyone is so caught up in trying to just keep it together. Very few people in your life will really know and judge you, and they will either be people who love you or those that you need to be very wary of.

Edited by oildrops

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While a spiritual perspective can help you, when you are dealing with serious mental health concerns such as extreme depression, alienation, paranoia, you need to ignore extremists who will tell you that you should just meditate and keep practicing energy work. Meditation will help, but we are social creatures. You need to become proactive in your own mental health- go talk to someone. It really helps. I have had counselors that I completely disagreed with on every point, but I would feel like a better person before even walking into the office, because I was *making an effort towards health*. And I was living in a truck, had 0 friends, and no support system whatsoever. You have to sow the seeds if you wish to reap the harvest.

Edited by oildrops
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Here's the kundalini support network. It's run by KAP instructors, supposedly the techniques used in KAP such as Micro orbit and Secret Smile help smooth out the process, they have advised and assisted many dozens of people go through what you are experiencing : http://www.kundalinisupportnetwork.com/

 

My 2 cents, Peace

Edited by OldGreen

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While a spiritual perspective can help you, when you are dealing with serious mental health concerns such as extreme depression, alienation, paranoia, you need to ignore extremists who will tell you that you should just meditate and keep practicing energy work. Meditation will help, but we are social creatures. You need to become proactive in your own mental health- go talk to someone. It really helps. I have had counselors that I completely disagreed with on every point, but I mean it, I would walk out of the session and feel like a better person. I would feel like a better person before even walking into the office, because I was *making an effort towards health*. And I was living in a truck, and had 0 friends, and not support system whatsoever. You have to sow the seeds if you wish to reap the harvest.

 

Yes exactly I like to express my thoughts on this forum for example...and when I do be sure to know there will be 10 people giving me "advice" about how there is something wrong with me when I make a post expressing something I enjoy or an epiphany, even if for one second I believe them and put more trust in their view than my own all my faith and trust in my self is smashed, relying on others for knowing. School system says you dont know and were going to teach you. Just have faith in your self your own voice, but I also feel that particuarly for you your creativity is changing like I mentioned in the first post yeh be creative but loving creativite. Being yourself is an interesting subject because "self" is coming from the environment, experiences in this life and perceptions of those experiences, gender, achievements, social conditioning, other lives, what you call self is not really limited to the personality you think you are.. Also forget about humility, and forget about ideas why your not good enough. Humility can be very blocking. Think about it like yeh your amazing and so is everyone else. God

Edited by sinansencer

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