Help Me Get Over This Block

[awake]

I don't know what kind of advice I want to hear for this, but I hope that the right ones come along for this.

 

A problem I have been having for a very long time, is that I have not been able to get the motivation up to meet new people.

 

It hasn't really been as big a problem until now. I am an extrovert by nature, and so I get energy from other people. I went to a small highschool, so there wasn't really much pull from the energy that I felt from others.

 

Now, entering university, I feel a lot more energy. I don't know if its from the physical place, but I presume it's from the people there, because I have a desire to go and meet new ones - girls and guys (but moreso girls).

 

But I don't.

 

Basically, I think I am socially inferior. I take a long time to open up, when I do open up though I'm always making jokes and people are always laughing, and I'm having a good time - but it takes a long time, and its hard especially, even if there is 1 new person around me.

 

I thought it over tonight, and for some reason, it has never been clearer to me: it seems to me why I don't want to approach, is because I don't want to be embarrassed. I think I will be embarrassed, either directly - in the situation, where it is made obvious to me either by how I sense/feel what embarrassing thing I've said, or others make fun of me, or embarrassed by proxy, whereby regardless of whether I notice the embarrassing thing that happened, people will go and talk about it behind my back, focusing on the worst of it and making their minds about me - both of which I think will hinder me in future interactions, and I just don't want to risk it.

 

When I interact with people I barely know, I feel embarrassed to be saying the stupid pointless shit that I do and have all the awkward pauses that happens. Then I go inside my head and (abstractly, don't have thoughts but rather quick comparative images/feelings) of people who show better chemistry than me and these people or this person I'm with, having a good time, and feel worse that I can't do that.

 

I don't think that last bit is the only problem though, because I'm fairly awkward from the start. And for those reasons, I don't go and meet new people.

 

I've heard the advice "just do it". I've heard the advice "just forget about all that". And I think, sure, it may be valid, but I can't seem to apply just those principles to myself - like I said, I have a hard time finding the motivation to go and talk to people.

 

I hope reading this, some of you can help me move past this block in getting what I want.

[Sloppy Zhang]

Don't worry about what other people think. Get out there and just do it.

 

Sound hard? How will you get over it?

 

Practice. You just have to do it.

 

Seriously, if people start judging you and think you are weird or stupid, they're not worth your time. All the quality people I have met in my life couldn't care less about such stupid tiny things that people think are oh so important when meeting people. Stuff like "oh I said something so stupid!" and "oh that was so embarrassing!" and "oh my clothes didn't match!"

 

Honestly, I couldn't care less about any of that stuff. Someone comes up to me and says something stupid when I first meet them? Big deal. So if I say something stupid when I first meet someone? Big deal. If they make a big deal about it, well that's their own problem.

 

Life is too short.

[JustARandomPanda]

The OP sounds like he could be my brother.

I'd really like to hear advice to the OP from others as I'll be taking notes too.

Edited September 16, 2009 by SereneBlue

[findley]

I know exactly what you're going through.

 

I wouldn't advise you to 'tackle the problem head on', but rather much more indirectly.

 

cultivate yourself. Make something out of yourself, and these things you complain about will change on their own accord.

 

I chose philosophy, meditation, and weight-lifting-- and am going from zero to hero.

 

 

...because as it stands, you probably are a loser... but you can fix that. with hard work and character.

 

 

good luck =)

[freeform]

1) You are how you are - It's good to observe with awareness what actually happens as it happens. You can try it right now - Imagine you're with your friends, and one of them comes over with a pretty girl you've never met before and introduces you and as you say hi, he leaves you two to it and starts talking to someone else... so you're there with this new, attractive girl, you don't know what to say, she's fidgety, looking around... imagine that right now, and as that cringey, uncomfortable feeling comes up, just allow it to! what can you feel in your body - how does your mind 'move' - where does your attention go? Take pleasure in noticing the subtleties of your experience!!

 

2) Now try this. There are 4 steps, and the quicker you do them, the better - don't be concerned about doing it 'right', because whatever you do will be right - it's an exercise of will, of moving your attention. Do this many many many times throughout the day and it will become second nature - it's very easy, as long as you don't make it hard smile.gif

 

a) bring up this feeling/mood/attitude inside yourself.

 

b ) put it outside yourself. (don't over-think this, just do it - remember you can only get it right!)

 

c) put it into the witness position. (I'll explain what the witness position is in a sec)

 

d) put it back inside yourself and notice any change. (don't try to pin point the change - just be open to noticing that it's a little different now)

 

So what's the witness position? Well if you meditate you already have an internal reference of what it might be.

 

If you have no idea where to start, try this: pick a spot on the wall in front of you, slightly higher than your eye-level. Put your attention there. Keeping your attention there, raise your hands up so that you can just about see your hands with your peripheral vision. Expand your awareness, so that now you're paying attention to your periphery as much as or even more than the spot on the wall.

 

You can drop your hands, but keep paying attention to your peripheral vision. Now - just relax in this state and just like you're allowing your peripheral vision, as well as the spot on the wall to coexist in your awareness, start to allow both inside and outside to coexist together too. It's very similar to using your peripheral vision, it's just more to do with your body than sight... remember - whatever you're doing is already correct - we're not going for something specific, just a change. The search for this witness position is what we want.

 

So the witness position is an expanded awareness. It's both inside and outside at the same time.

 

Ok - so try it again:

 

a) Inside

b ) Outside

c) Witness

d) Back inside and notice any change

 

At first the change will be subtle. You need to cycle it through the steps over and over again. So you allow the cringey feeling to come up inside, put it outside, then witness then back inside. Notice the difference... for me it's like the feeling is not quite as real any more, like the edges of it have been worn smooth... so take the remnants of the feeling and inside, outside, witness - back inside.... take whatever is left - inside, outside, witness, back inside.... repeat it several times more.

 

You can do this rather quickly - don't take too much time over it - at first you'll put in some effort, but very quickly you'll find that you can do it in seconds. Put any feelings (good or bad or neutral) through it... put thoughts through it... put moods, attitudes, beliefs through it... it's important to do it daily and often, with whatever comes up...

 

If you come up with a little belief like "I'm not good at social situations" - put it through the steps several times... "it takes time for me to open up" - put that through... "I'm feeling optimistic" - "I'm not sure this works" - "I'm really funny today" - "I'm dreading this"... it can all go through the steps... and doing this will balance out everything!!

 

This exercise balances and softens up everything, it brings space, change and possibility in situations and beliefs and stuck emotions.

 

3) when you actually are in a social situation - notice the vastness of the sky above, the mass of the earth below, and how small and insignificant your hangups are compared to the grandness of the universe - just let it all go, have fun and have your awareness on the person in front of you, rather than on your thoughts... Get into that flowing mood and let it spread - nothing to gain, nothing to lose - and have fun!

Edited September 16, 2009 by freeform

[freeform]

oh and SereneBlue, you need to get angry. To me it feels like you've got a lot of anger stuck inside.

 

Avoid confrontation? Never get angry? Always nice and understanding?

 

You probably feel sadness better than anger, right?

 

These two are linked.

 

The energy behind anger has a lot to do with socialising and motivation.

[Encephalon]

You received 382 hits and 25 thoughtful responses to the same question you posted on Monday. There's a lot of helpful advice there. If you act on it, you will progress. If you don't, the pattern of inaction starts to define your character, and then you really feel like shit. I speak from experience!

Best of luck.

 

"Engagement"

 

Prey passes the tiger who

Sometimes merely looks,

Sometimes pounces without hesitation,

But never fails to act.

 

Life is a constant series of opportunities. If we dont' reach out for things, if we don't take advantage of what comes our way, then we cannot be in harmony with the essential nature of life.

 

This tiger is the same way. He conforms to every situation that comes. If he spots prey and is not ready to hunt, he will let it go. But he has not failed to act. He has knowingly let the prey escape, and this is much different from someone who loses a situaltion through slow reflexes or inability. When the tiger wants his prey, he pounces upon it without any thought or hesitation. There are no morals, no guilt, no psychological problems, no ideologies to interfere with the purity of his action. This undiminished grace in action is called nonaction.

 

This is engagement. Whatever comes to you, you must engage it somehow. You receive it, you may alter the circumstance and let it go, you may interject something of your own into it, or you may knowingly let it pass. Whatever you do, there is no need to be apathetic toward life. Instead, full participation in all things is the surest way to happiness, vitality, success, and a deep knowledge of Tao.

 

 

Deng Ming-Dao - "365 Tao"

Edited September 16, 2009 by Blasto

[TommyRyukyu]

Hello Awake,

 

I believe what you are going through speaks to alot of people on their journey through life, myself included. I have to agree with a lot of the advice that you have received here so far. There have been times in my own life that situations presented themselves and I "froze up" or couldn't find the right words. One of the things I appreciate wholeheartedly about the TTB is the focus that we are all after in elevating ourselves by the investment of time in onesself. Before we can help anybody else we must first help ourselves. When it comes down to it ... It's so easy to lose our way. The times in my own life where I truly focused on bettering myself, (especially during my bodybuilding days) Things happened that I couldn't explain, but now looking back have a better understaning of.

The toughest part is sticking with it once the results start to come into play, never give up, once you find your stride, build on that formula. What worked for me or another might not work for you. However, one must only look to those who came before and study what made that person successful. Findley provided a good foundation to start with. You can't go wrong with lifting weights, and incorporating meditation. Focus on you.... See yourself as you want you to be. Create a mission statement and read I out loud daily. Love yourself for who you are an the limitless potential you need only tap into. It's there, the river of limitless possibility, waiting for you, waiting for all of us to simply reach out and take hold. If you need me I'm here ....

 

Tommy

Edited September 16, 2009 by TommyRyukyu

[markern]

Are you practicing any qigong, yoga or meditation? That would help quite a bit on several levels. Amongst other things it would take away a lot of your anxiousness by making you very calm and the right exercises would also make you more confident. If you practice some sort of meditation on the breath or slow breathing practice like full yogic breath or longevity breathing for 10-15 min a day that would do a lot for the anxiousness and if you combine that with 10 minutes of the secret smile it would take care of confidence and a lot of other things. The secret smile makes you relaxed, confident, happy, loving and blissfull and it disolves blocks all over your system quickly so it helps a lot in clearing out your psychological stuff and energetic blocks.

 

There are also som good material in the pickup community that you can benefit from. Juggler method teaches you excellent conversational skills that make aproaching new people and getting interesting conversations going very easy. Check it out at charismaarts.com.

 

Anyway you are very young. You have a lot of time to get life to where you want it to be. Enjoy Uni.

[Pax]

Freeform's ideas are wonderful!

 

I will add, from my time working at a university I've observed that what you are going through is experienced by almost every incoming freshman I've ever met, even the most popular and gregarious students are fearful of being ridiculed. They may mask it well and they may choose to compensate for this by going with a herd mentality, but they still feel vulnerable.

 

From a practical standpoint you might try joining a club or organization, this would give you the opportunity to meet people in a structured environment that could lead to more casual activities.

[Encephalon]

A few things come to mind that are all part of my own experience, so if I say something that touches a nerve, then we merely understand each other.

 

Unexplainable lack of motivation is a state of mind I am familiar with, but if you look beneath it you may find some fear and uncertainty about your ability to navigate through life. If you are young, it means that enough negative conditioning has gone on in your short life to get your attention. Take the cue. It also means that you can rectify it fairly easily compared with someone whose been at it for decades. Although, I have to say, things were bad enough when I was 20 in 1980. I wouldn't want to be a 20 year old today. You guys are going to have to become quasi-priests in the years ahead, because the only alternative in a deteriorating social environment is to lose your life or your mind.

 

The good news for all of us in here is that accessibility of mind/body disciplines has never been greater, although we would probably like to see more TCM-Toaist services available.

 

At your age you should be seriously taking the advice to hit the weights. Three times a week, full-body, compound lifts. Focus on strength training, because you're going to get a lot stronger before you get any bigger anyway. The promises of a healthier mind with a better body are all true, but as I see it, from the spiritual side of things, strength training gives you a deeply felt sense of being physically grounded (especially if you're an ectomorph like me). It's not about creating an imposing and intimidating physique, but using the muscular strength to increase your mind-muscle connection, which in turn prepares your nervous system to be sensitive and relaxed enough to make good pregress with your energy work.

 

Seriously, I think this forum is top heavy with intellectualizing and disconnected from the physical dimension, which is ostensibly what Taoism promises to alleviate when practiced correctly. As a trainer, I've met many people who didn't possess the muscle strength to feel their body. There are arguments from athletes and martial artists who recommend against weight training. As long as you lift with the same form and control that you would bring to a chi kung practice, you'll be okay. Also remember to keep your strength/flexibility ratio as balanced as you can. You could easily do an adequate stretching routine that didn't take time away from your chi work.

 

It seems to me that initial work on The Little Orbit, as presented by Trunk at http://www.precisiondocs.com/~altaoism/

is probably the best written advice I've ever had in here. A clearer introduction to the MO I haven't found in several books on the subject.

 

Someone farther along than I will have to mention if combining strength training and Microcosmic Orbit work is a good idea or not. I worked out during the first two years of my nei kung practice but I didn't start MO work until after I substituted yoga and chi kung for my workouts. It about proper timing and chronology. Having whined about the excessive verbosity, egocentrism, and intellectualizing that characterize this forum, and which I regularly indulge in myself, I would seriously pick up a copy of The Wise Heart, by Jack Kornfield. It probably covers more Buddhist pyschology than any other book on the subject, and it can really help you get a grip on the self-loathing and fear. So much of that can be eliminated much easier than people imagine.

 

There you have it. Commit to Taoism, or go insane. Simple.

Edited September 17, 2009 by Blasto