The Dao Bums
  • Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

About awake

  • Rank
    Dao Bum
  1. HELP! Something "left" me!

    Thank you for the link. This describes it perfectly. Though I'd like some more details on the part about the falling away: I keep wondering about how I'll know when this new body is there... I felt full, now empty (and missing the fullness), under some sort of protection/guidance now naked and alone spiritually, like something was given to me then taken away. And so confused: That's the hardest thing to do.. It's like I mistreated and misunderstood what I was given and so it left..
  2. A central theme most recently in my thoughts has been in the area of making decisions, especially ones with what to do with time, and how to interpret my feelings and intuitions. For example, I've received some instructions from various sources, which, in a time of need, were remembered, and I chose to act against them (I believe out of fear of the potential risk of changing my habitual way of being in the situation) So, there's what "i should do" and what "i feel like doing", the latter of which I logically know I shouldn't be doing because it isn't helping me.. I go against the grain and soon after (usually the next morning, sometimes the same day) am filled with absolutely immense regret - which is really worry that I've either a) ruined everything, or b ) delayed my progress for an excessive amount of time. I think logically that, really these are small issues that I am spending enormous amounts of energy fretting over, but the risk is big to me (because of how immense of problems a) and b ) are) Other times, I am totally bewildered by a sense that I absolutely don't know what will happen, and either way there is huge risk of a) or b ). I always seem to make the choice that afterwards, makes me worry and regret, because since I don't know what has happened, it's very likely it is the bad thing. Additionally, this outlook has attached itself to every possible place. Some major areas of thought I have in this way that cause me to think like this are: I've already ruined too many opportunities and anything good I had coming to me is ruined. Even if I feel better, that bad feeling was an opportunity to do something with it and I missed it because I'm only back to where I was before. If there is any positive change from my normal state of consciousness, and then it's gone, I must have done something to ruin it and there goes that unique opportunity forever. This is lunacy, but I believe it. I'm totally unsure of what I should be doing at times of practical decision making, and every instruction I "should" be doing is taken with a sense of all-pervasive strictness and urgency, that is, no room for flexibility. It's entirely overwhelming, I wonder if you can help with what I've talked about in this post. PS. On this subject of worry, I know I have written a lot of threads I haven't responded to, and worry people here may get the impression that their responses aren't respected or even considered: I have read the answers repeatedly, but just "new issues" kept popping up and got in my way of returning to the ones I've posted about. I will eventually, possibly soon.
  3. I've felt this twice in the past few months, once just recently.. It's like, something (energy) inside me decided to leave.. In it's place is a sort of "clear emptiness", but it's very scary, I think I may have lost a blessing or something like that. It feels like there is less there (though I am more aware of it), and something has gone wrong. The first time, the same thing left the middle of my chest. Now, it left from either side of my chest. I can bring it back if I want, at least as far as I know, but I am in doubt of what meaning to make of this, and therefore, what to do. I am able to recall, by means of "what I can tell used to be there", the sensation of what left (though it was out of my consciousness until it left), and it seems to be a holy energy, but somewhat "mucky". In both cases, I had received some instructions, which, due to my fears, I did not carry out. I don't want to go into the source of the instructions, but they were not given to me under threat, or from bad sources, and they were fairly regular things to do. Shortly after losing an opportunity (feels like losing THE opportunity) for both, this feeling came. I don't know what to do, do you have any insight?
  4. I believe that defining the period to which this statement refers (ie. how much time after the peak was studied) is crucial to understanding the application of the findings. What does this mean?
  5. You'll want to get this:
  6. Hi, I am at a buddhist retreat (chanting mantras), and every day after it, there is this immense wonderful energy.. The first day was especially joyful, it totally takes me out of ordinary existence, however I have a hard time maintaining it - it will stay maybe a few hours (the first day was well over 6 hours and then woke up with it in the morning but proceeded to think my way out of it and into some serious suffering), and so I am wondering if anybody has any tips on what to do to stay in the energy and/or enhance it's presence/my awareness of it (feel it more). Belief in my thoughts infringes upon it.. And it's hard not to have thoughts, especially of "greatnesS" like I achieved something.. The retreat ends soon, I hope I can have something to practice onwards with, please help.
  7. dao and brahman Bon Appetit
  8. Multiple people have given me the suggestion to find one of these.. I wonder if you can tell me of an effective one. Thanks.
  9. Finding a Guru

    I believe I had one of such opportunities shortly after coming back from meeting him the first time.. However due to my social anxiety I did not take it, and have immense regret.. I will look into that book at some point. I spent the last two months and a half really tormenting myself to the point I became stupified, like my mind gave up thinking, it still does it occasionally... The only thing I would say I do with any consistency is consume material on the subject.. I've recently found Alan Watts, who is really opening my mind to new perception.. I find myself willing to "just try" becoming consumed by the ideas he's putting forth, and he's actually one of, if not, the first teacher (albeit dead now, he has audios available), I felt comfortable with assuming they're right ad trying to find how their point of view is true in my reality, rather than simply listening.. The peculiar thing about this is that since I have been meeting Gurus (two so far), I have had higher highs, and much more frequent, lower lows.. I can perceive, I say not to an extreme degree, though definitely perceptable, that everything is alive, and that everything is "ing-ing", that is, an apple is appleing, they are verbs, not nouns.. Sometimes I feel really peaceful and loving or either or really good in other ways (for no apparent reason) and other times I'm spiralling down a whirlpool of dismay that I don't have a future or direction.. I think this is what I want a Guru for (partially).. That is: I do want to escape the world I currently live in, I don't like it, I would much rather be living a life I want, and I have the capacity to get myself there, but: 1) part of what I have been tormenting myself with the last two and a half months was my inability to get results in the area of: 2) my social problems as aforementioned are a major block in my life.. My ideal profession, though I haven't narrowed it down yet, has something either to do with energy, or teaching (not in the current K-12-U system), or both.. This is part of what I am not sure of what to do, and because I am unclear, is another reason I think any Gurus will reject me, but I just don't know how to become clear, though these are the fields I enjoy (learning about, and talking/doing about come naturally thereafter) Now, you see, either of these would have to do with people, of whom I am essentially terrified of. I've scraped by on the internet until now because it's a less intense thing (and when I still think that somebody is actually going to read my post I freeze up) - suffice to say even through this disassociated form of communication, I am still writing in an intimidated way. I've watched vices come and go, from order of aquisition: Social Phobia/Overeating (both of these occurred at some point before I have memory, I don't quite know which came first) Television Online Games Marijuana And then in order of disappearance: Online Games Television Overeating Marijuana I see a clear pattern, their disappearance coincides with my interest in spirituality and self education, what remains is my social phobia.. The irony is I've realized to a degree that I've been trying for about 7 years to fix it, and my efforts have all been futile.. It seems to be a waste to do anything more to fix it, and my efforts seem to be dwindling there, yet I still believe because of it I would be in detriment when finding a Guru.. The other part of why I want one is that I believe I need some order, some structure. Like school, or a job, but I am not interested in progressing in those areas (school is not education for me, it is memorization, and when I am outside their confines I learn a lot better, faster, and from more than just their "chosen" books on a subject), and I hate working for bosses, I hate being told what to do for a cause I don't care, and I suspect that I will quickly become intolerant of the structure there after progressing and create my own, nonetheless I do feel that it is needed for a cause I believe in for now.. See, despite this social stupidity (I've called it many things, I suppose it's all of them, I've tried to figure out "what" it is for so long, it's sort of spiritual in the way I can't really describe it accurately), in the few rare situations where, through no conscious effort of my own, I was not this way, I became the leader of the interaction, not in a controlling or asshole sense, but it sort of flowed by my intention, which wasn't egotistical at all, and it was a wonderful time, everyone was laughing, having fun, everything (if not, almost) I said made them laugh.. And I know the difference between laughing at and laughing with, my childhood was filled with "laughing at". I don't know where that brings us, I'm coming up with all relevant information I can as it comes to me..
  10. Finding a Guru

    I am at a point I feel that I have to find a Guru.. I am utterly perceiving this situation through my unuseful social conditioning, of which my entire life has been filled with avoidance of people and intimidation in their presence.. To mind-dump-it: I can't think intelligently and hardly coherently when I am around people, and I definitely act as such. I avoid being direct with people, so even if it were to come out "I want to follow you" or something of the sort, it would be like shaking up a bottle of Pop before poking a small hole into the top of it, in other words, it would not come out very well. This is due to the fact I believe people won't like me, I believe it vehemently, I have almost all of my life that I have memory for, and this presents a few problems: the guru wouldn't take me intrinsically, he wouldn't like me, furthermore, this being such a large block in my consciousness, he would turn me down because I am not ready, since I have this block. As I look to the development of my perception, I see that there is an emerging side that sees this inane stupid childish rambling as those things, and then the side that those things are the identity of.. I don't have much in terms of assets, and so I believe it would be difficult to go travelling to find a Guru. However, I believe I have already met two, one of which has asked me if I would like to do what he does, but due to my social beligerence, I left misrepresenting myself, though he did tell me "we will meet again", and I know where I can find him (albeit that plane tickets cost a lot to me), though he did hint to me that I need to be without expectation, which, I sort of have going there, which is another reason I think he wouldn't take me - I expect it. I am finding more and more dissatisfaction with the type of work I do (website consulting, mostly for communities[forums]), even though I am skilled at it.. I feel it is nearing time for me to take a different path in life, yet I am lost and don't know where to go or what to do.. There are so many conflicting aspects in my mind, as I mentioned, it is like two sides opposing one another, often leaving me overwhelmed in a state of stupor. This introductory post on the issue has not done very much to clear up even my thoughts on the issue, so if that is required, for those of you who can help, please help me do so, I am interested in having a dialogue so I can be clear on what I want, and clear up any delusions I have about this whole endeavour. Thank you
  11. I have to say, it's currently quite unnerving.. I feel my heart beat, I feel my blood pump, I worry it means I'm going to die (no, guy, that means you're living! haha.. theoretically, I get it) I begin to stress, it eases me to know it is I who is beating my heart, but only to a point. I somehow have this sense that I need to become more aware of it, and alongside this is the recognition that it will happen only when I can be at ease with it. I also notice I am creating tension in my left pectoral muscles, it is not the other way around, that I am tense and I thus feel this, in fact I am more acutely aware of it when I am relaxed. I don't drink coffee, this happens whether or not I drink tea (which I just started getting into, but I've felt this since before that), and the frequency with which I exercise has no noticeable affect on this. I've been to a doctor, and have been told my heart rate, blood pressure are normal. What can you really tell me to put me at ease? "Atta boy, you're becoming more aware" I don't know, please help.
  12. Thank you for the directly helpful replies. As to those taking offense to the Dalai's right to an opinion, it seems to me as if the link rex posted ( sums up his opinion. I am sorry that I have not been able to take any inferred meaning from your posts pertaining in any sort of way to an answer to my question. I think the views you express are indicative of the answer to this question, but I will ask it for the purpose of your contemplation: Why does it matter what the Dalai says, if it works for you? In any case, he seems to have already expressed his opinion, and so why, if I had the opportunity to ask him a question, would I insult him and waste my time asking him to talk about something I don't even have any interest in or knowledge of? I understand I made this thread asking for help, so you, I guess, have just as much a right to start talking about what you want from me, but when I saw all the responses on this subject all I really thought was, "Really..?" It is one practice, one of many, many, many, many more in the world. So if it is so great, what do you need his validation for, and if it brings something to you, why are you dependent on his opinion? It's one man, and one practice. In any case, he's already said what he's thought of it, having practiced it for many years. Even that is just his interpretation based on the way he's practiced. However, I have not found a "this is an effective way to experience the shared timespace location with a spiritual teacher" guide, and so I asked this question. Also the one that I believe is equally as important of how do I not ruin anything that does happen to me, as I often do and predictably will? Thank you.