Tao in Parenting - Advice

[OneWorld]

Very much a beginner here. I've read the Tao multiple times, across three different versions. I am having trouble applying some of the teachings in everyday life right now, especially as a parent (Dad).

Background (will try to keep short): Family of 5 with 3 kids (daughters). Recently moved from Europe to Latin America. Kids speak English and a second language but not Spanish. Now in LatAm kids need to gradually pick-up Spanish. Kids are in a school here which is not international or really bi-lingual (every school claims to be bi-lingual but it's not usually the case in reality). They are 4, 7 and turning 10. When I was 7 my parents moved from one country where I had to learn a second language, and then after 18 months they moved again, so that I had to learn another language again. So, went to two different schools, with two different languages within the space of 24 months and I think I coped reasonably OK.

So, my kids are now in a similar situation to what I was once in.

They have been in school her now for 2 months. The youngest are basically in K and Pre-School so there is not that much pressure there and it's mostly play-learning. The oldest is in Grade 3. This is a private school which we pay for and which we discussed their circumstances before enrolling them and all (us, teachers, principals) seemed to agree that the process would take some time but it won't be a problem and the school will work with them. 

The issue I have with my oldest is that she is very much a person who lives in her head. She's always day-dreaming, not really that aware of what is happening, she doesn't worry about anything (maybe she has the Tao?).

The problem I now have is finding the right balance of pushing her to work harder on picking up Spanish versus letting the natural process take place. I learned 2 languages in 24 months (truth be told, the second pushed out the first when I had to learn the second quickly), and I cannot really remember following a process to make it happen. Going to school, watching TMNT on TV (no streaming back then), playing outside, I picked up the language over a space of 4-5 months to the point that I had no problems in school at all.

One of the points of stress we have is that the teachers are putting pressure on us that our eldest is not learning the language fast enough. After 3 weeks we already had a meeting where we were being pushed to sign her up for Spanish lessons. We did not do this, but I simply thought that the time-frame for learning a language for a child will be 4-5 months (from experience) and also she is in school from 7:45 to 3pm every day, I can't really imagine sending her for more lessons after school. Sport, sure, formal academic instruction, not really. Additionally, before they started school, we tried a traditional language course, and the rigid form of language instruction just went right over their heads with almost no benefit.

The issue we now have is that the school has basically side-lined her to the point of her just sitting at the back of the class and being given no work to do, not participating in anything, almost being ignored. I have to stress: she doesn't take it hard. But she also needs to gently encouraged to do work as otherwise she just day-dreams all day or draws pictures.

We have ended up buying a Spanish work-book for her for grade 3 and 4 with different exercises and things which we asked her to work through if she is not doing anything in class (which is at least 3-4 hours per day; the only time she participates is if it's english or maths (which she loves) in english).

We emailed the school psychologist with concerns about this and asked whether the teacher could please set her some work and try to gently encourage her to participate. We hi-lighted that we understood that the teacher cannot teach a separate class for her, and asked that the teacher at least sets her tasks in the work-book we gave her and simply checks that she is doing it and encourage her to stay with it. The response we got was that she would talk to the teacher but we need to send our kids to spanish classes.

We have decided to go with what the school wants and send her to additional spanish classes, however the issue of her not participating in anything in class for 3-4 hours per day remains and will not be resolved through this alone. I feel like the school is basically saying that they will not teach her until she is fluent in the language, which goes against the agreement we had with them when we enrolled her.

We have also asked the school if there are issues with her behavior, that, perhaps she had done or said something which had put the teacher off, but from what we hear is that she gets along with everyone, all the kids are her friends. Truth be told the people here are extremely friendly and it's not hard to make friends. My daughter loves the kids in her class and she says that everyone is her friend, including girls, something that she didn't have before in her previous school where she was only able to build friendships with boys and the girls kept her outside of their group.

How much pushing should I do with this? On the one hand, I feel like I should be pushing much more, both the school and my daughter, but this feels like I'm just forcing things and trying to control things which will lead to even worse circumstances. I wanted her to have the benefit of 4-5 months and then be able to see that she had learned the language herself and have more confidence and contentment. Signing her up for additional Spanish lessons seems wrong and I worry will lead her to feel like she is being forced, but I cannot balance the two out.

We are at the point of considering changing schools from the new school year. I don't want her sitting for 3-4 hours per day and being ignored by a teacher. But again this seems wrong, especially making her have to change schools again, change friends again. It absolutely seems like forcing, but on the other hand, we have to take into account that perhaps she may not be picking up the language fast-enough and so needs to be in a different school with more understanding and flexibility.

I suppose, my entire (ranting - my apologies) post could be summarized as a question: How do you as a parent find the balance between not forcing and controlling on the one hand, and properly discharging your obligations as a parent on the other? I seriously struggle with this. I have been trying to find this balance for 3 years now, and have failed more times than I can count, but hind-sight is perfect vision.

Thanks for reading and any advice - sorry if this was too long.

[Trunk]

@OneWorld,

Welcome!

- Trunk

[Miffymog]

20 hours ago, OneWorld said:

We have also asked the school if there are issues with her behavior, that, perhaps she had done or said something which had put the teacher off, but from what we hear is that she gets along with everyone, all the kids are her friends. Truth be told the people here are extremely friendly and it's not hard to make friends. My daughter loves the kids in her class and she says that everyone is her friend, including girls, something that she didn't have before in her previous school where she was only able to build friendships with boys and the girls kept her outside of their group.

 

This is all that matters.

[Taomeow]

A 10-year-old will learn the language by osmosis, out of thin air.  Maybe a few months later than some parental expectations or school guidelines would have her learn...  so what?  It will happen -- and then her being in class will start making some academic sense too, for her and the teachers alike.  Until then, just be patient and supportive, and don't complicate a difficult enough period for her with pressure and anxiety.   

 

 At this age, moving to another country is extremely traumatic for a child though she may not show it and may not even be able to formulate or express her feelings.  The less additional stress at this time, the better for her current and (especially) future well-being.  

 

As for the taoist approach, there's a saying.  Don't try to force a tree to grow faster by pulling it upward by the branches.  

[liminal_luke]

I'd say let your daughter's happpiness be your guide.  If your daughter has friends and seems happy, that's huge.  

[Bhathen]

I remember the first year my kid was learning spanish - most of the kids were failing, loads of homework, the teacher was at his breaking point, complaints going back and forth from parents. The second year was a breeze, never knew what was happening in the spanish class but every kid was speaking fluently by the year end and it became a favorite subject for many.

 

A good teacher can make all the difference.

[thelerner]

Osmosis/passive learning by putting sticky notes on things can be helpful and non-pushy.  Even more so if the kids make and place the post-it notes themselves.  

 

(If you're not doing it now) At dinner time, the first 10 or 15 minutes (or longer), only speaking in Spanish could be game-like, but also a painless way of getting in the Osmosis learning.  For younger kids having a puppet that only speaks Spanish can be fun learning/play.  The more they hear the language at home, the better.  

 

Also passive, listening to songs in the language can help acclimate one's ears to it.  Just playing them in the background.  Though it did take me years to realize what La Cucaracha was.  

 

 

[Taomeow]

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Edited September 29, 2023 by Taomeow