Not getting it.. What do you recommend?

[King Kabalabhati]

Greetings,

 

For reasons concerning both me, my wife and the environmental factors (three small kids and a lot of work), I'm not getting a fraction of the sexual life I would desire. She is not much bothered by celibacy but for me this is very hard, thus making it hard for her, too.

 

I'm doing exercises like the Cool Draw, Scrotal Compression and inverted poses. I've been cultivating my seed for half a year now, but the problems have existed much longer. These exercises seem to be of some help, but still from time to time I find myself in a conflict because of this. It makes me feel sad and rejected, or at least it triggers these emotions.

 

If someone has a view to share, a good exercise to fit the situation or any kind of sincere advice, it's gratefully taken.

 

Perfect Love and Blessing,

 

King K.

[Sunya]

hey King. nice name, whats it mean?

 

what kind of meditation / energy work do you do?

 

if you're cultivating the seed, I hope you're doing some sort of practice to open the channels like Qi Gong. doesn't have to be mantak chia-like where you move energy around. You could just stand in a posture. check out "Zhan Zhuang", you can start with the basic Wuji stance and then once you're comfortable do the 'embracing the ball' stance. This is a really practical posture that is very effective, and others here can vouch for how good it is. Proper posture is key though. maybe find a Qi Gong or Tai Chi teacher to help you with posture. while you hold the posture you can just do belly breathing and let go. I think the book "Way of Energy" is really good for this, others can find some free resources on these postures for you though as I don't know any.

 

I would also really recommend vipassana meditation which allows you to experience emotions, desires, feelings, energy free of attachment. the mind very habitually follows feelings. I know this to be true, its so hard to transcend these impulses, especially sexual ones. but practicing Vipassana is wonderful as you dehabituate and essentially gain freedom from the habits of mind impulses.

 

(you have Adobe Reader right? its free to download) http://www.interactivebuddha.com/Insight%2...egal%20size.pdf

 

I feel that these practices will really help you. the standing posture will help open channels so that sexual energy can transmute into more refined energy, and vipassana will help with mind cravings which also is a problem when it comes too much sexual desire. you would be tackling this issue from two levels, mind, and energy. focusing on just one level is slower than working on both. there is also body.. and though standing posture is good for body, you could implement dynamic structure such as hatha yoga or tai chi, some sort of movement and then you'll be working mind, energy, and body and that would be perfect. but since you seem like a busy dude, you can start with 20-30 minutes (start with 10 till you can handle it) of standing meditation and 30 minutes of vipassana, per day. increase if you see fit.

 

Oh I forgot and you can do vipassana while you do the standing meditation, or you can save vipassana for later and completely let go, whatever you want to do. I'd recommend just completely letting go during standing posture and try to completely relax and let whatever thoughts, feelings, desires come forth and just be. you can do vipassana sitting down and also take it with you to work and throughout your day (this will happen naturally too)

 

 

 

Good luck

Edited August 7, 2009 by mikaelz

[King Kabalabhati]

Thank you Mikaelz, this is the kind of stuff I wanted to read.. I am doing both hatha yogic and Universal Tao-based meditations/exercises, Healing love etc. kind of depending on what kind of feeling I have and also changing with the seasons a bit. Tao Yin seems like a very harmonic and gentle set of exercises, at the moment I'm studying its basics.

 

I'm thinking of expanding my meditations in the future, the Fusion of Five Elements seems very interesting, the whole "composting" the negative vibes-thing. I'm aware that to get better results I need to spend more time in meditation. It should come naturally as the children grow, at least I hope so. It does take a lot of patience.

 

My name is sanskrit and means "Breath of fire", although that's just what I been told.

 

Perfect love,

 

King K

[Moonbar]

Hello King,

 

I can really empathise with you, I do struggle a lot with abstinence I have what i consider to be a very attractive wife & my work environment is absolutely Heaving with young ladies in their prime - im a 36 yr old guy who is fit & healthy.

 

Its a subject i raised with my teacher & he told me that basically if you want to persue this spiritual path then this is the way you do it - no if's or but's

 

I instantly considered the question - do i really want to do this? - & came up with the answer - Hell yeh!!!

 

I think abstinence in the end is a small price to pay for what we are all so desperately seeking

 

I know this probably wont help you at all but at least you know you are human & there are lots of other people out there like yourself going through the same "torture"

 

Good luck.

[markern]

 

 

Its a subject i raised with my teacher & he told me that basically if you want to persue this spiritual path then this is the way you do it - no if's or but's

 

 

 

Realy? Those who themselves have chosen or are drawn to celibacy are fond of claiming it to be the only way. The problem is it is provably wrong that it is the only way because of the large number of practioners, historicly and alive today, that have gone al the way without celibacy. In the Zen tradition it is normal to have a wife and kids among monks. In the indian and tibetan budhist tradition also. My own teacher studied with the two most highly respected tibetan dzogchen masters and at least one of them had a wife and children. You have to look far to find anyone more realized than this guy, although I am sure there are a few, and he is NOT celibate. Jack Konrfiled who himself is not celibate either interviewed around 50 well respected asian and western budhist meditation masters and teachers about sexuality. Only around 10-15 of theese were actualy celibate.

 

From an energetic point of view celibacy is not the most efficient way to go either. The most efficient is without any doubt to have orgasms but practice retention of sperm and and transform the surpluss energy into higher forms of energy. Classical taoist texts claim this. My teacher who has spent 4 years as a celibate budhist monk confirms that for him celibacy is a lot more energicly beneficial than normal sex but multiorgasmic sex with retention is a lot more efficient then celibacy. An experiement done on worms also indicate the same. Some worms were geneticly modified so as to not be able to have ejaculations but still have orgasms. Then the researchers looked at how long the worms lived compared to those who were deprived of sex and those who were alowed to have sex. Those who had normal sex lived the shortest, those who were deprived of sex lived quite a bit longer than those with active sex lives and those who had multiorgasmic but nonejaculatory sex lived a good bit longer than the celibate ones.

 

So if you want to save and build energy for spiritual purposes and transformation you are much better of with retention than celibacy. Being able to handle and transform the extra energy can be tricky for a lot of people especialy in the begining but can to a large extent be done very smoothly by fairly advanced practioners and to a more moderate degree by those with less experience. If you search arround in this forum you will find a lot of good info on how to go about this.

 

Anyway there is not any principle difference between enjoying the beuty of a flower or a nice swim in the ocean and having an orgasm from an attatchement point of view. The question is not if you want or enjoy something or even what you actualy do as long as it does not hurt others or yourself but how attatched you are to your want or desire. The question is not wether you desire but wether you can let your desire flow freely through you. A lot of people confuse non-attatchement with DE-tatchment or indiference which is entirely different. Actualy in budhism indiferrence is considered the near enemy of non-attatchment because it is easy to confuse but completly wrong and unwholesome. It is the same as with the realtionship between pain and suffering. Enlightened people don`t suffer anymore but they do have pain, physicly and emotionaly, just as much as anyone else. Same thing with desire. They have as much desire as the next guy but they are not attatched to it. Shinzen young writes well about this in his articles on equanimity and pain vs suffering:

 

http://shinzen.org/

 

It seems to me that the majority of western seekers, and a large part of asian teachers, have gotten this absolutely basic thing wrong. That is a tragedy.

[thelerner]

It may not be so much a problem of taoist practice as mch as one of communication. In a loving way, at a loving time (candle lights, weekend, kids asleep) talk about it. Talk about it in the context of what can be done to make you both happier. There are some good books out there that address this very matter, the levels of sex and intimacy.

 

I think sex is an important part of life. One thats so emotionally charged and tabooish that people don't speak up until they're fed up. Communicate openly and lovingly, you'll find a way.

 

 

Michael

[markern]

I think you will find this site very interesting:

 

http://www.reuniting.info/

 

It has a lot of important things to say about sex and realtionships from a "tantric" prespective and how a diffrerent type of sex with a different type of orgasm makes all the difference. When they are talking of not having orgasms they are realy talking about a more quiet streaming type of orgasm though.

 

For transforming sexual energy superbrainyoga is supposedly quite good. You could also do the five rites of tibet and add in the sixth rite which is not often taught because it is a very powerfull transmuter of sexual energy and as such only suitable for ceilbates. It is a realy wonderfull and powerfull sequence that balances all the chakras in a quite unique an qucik way while also opening the central channel which in itself is highly beneficial but furthermore prepares for the rising of the sexual energy up the centers. the first five open the channel and the sixth pushes your sexual energy into it.

[CarsonZi]

Hi King Breath of Fire ,

 

IME forcing things is an ineffective approach to spiritual progression. If you are finding it quite difficult to stay celibate, or to want to be celibate, then this is not the time for you to disengage from sex. Granted as you said, you don't really have the opportunity to engage (at least with you wife), but even a little masturbation may help things here. I am of the personal opinion that celibacy is not required to make spiritual progress. It will help when it is time, but to try to force it to fit into "your" timeframe is not going to help matters. Forcing things will only push them further away and cause MORE obstructions IME. Let go....be easy with it. If you have an ejaculation it will not end your journey...it will not even push you "further from the goal". All is here right now and that includes "the goal". When it is time for you to be celibate it will happen naturally...you won't have to force yourself to want to be celibate, you will naturally want to be. The main benefits IME of abstaining from orgasm and cultivating the sexual energy, are the subtle energetic benefits. This only one part of the entire "equation". "Enlightenment" IMO is an equal blend of silent awareness with the divine energies, producing an "outpouring of Divine Love" as Yogani would say. Celibacy is one way of cultivating the divine energies, but it is not the ONLY way, and it is not (IME) necessary to force it to happen at any specific time.....it will be a natural side effect of the journey when the time is right. This is just how it is happening for me though, so your milage may vary

 

Love,

Carson

Edited August 7, 2009 by CarsonZi

[King Kabalabhati]

I agree that forcing things concerning celibacy can be futile and even dangerous. But that's not really the issue. These problems persisted long before I did any cultivating of seed. I feel that it has made me stronger and all these different yoga and meditation techniques are slowly but surely helping to open up my emotional ties and blockages, as well as my queen's who is also practising a lot of same exercises.

 

Thelerner, thank you, I feel your words to suite my situation very well, since we do a lot of talking about this (over the years we've developed amazing talking skillz) and each crisis seems to unfold a new truth about our relationship and situation.. It does get emotional easily and this is what I would like to be stronger in.. To stay more calm and in a better meditation. To have faith in finding a harmonious being and not to lose hope.

 

This has to do with Tao because we've found Healing Love to be a transforming thing for the way we've been thinking and communicating about sex. Frustration seems to rise sometimes because there is simply not enough time to be doing enough exercises to proceed more rapidly towards good spiritual sexuality. As I've said before, patience is probably the key here as well as communication.

 

Anyway, I'm feeling good again. I know I was blessed before, but now I'm once again aware of it..

 

 

 

 

 

Hi King Breath of Fire ,

 

IME forcing things is an ineffective approach to spiritual progression. If you are finding it quite difficult to stay celibate, or to want to be celibate, then this is not the time for you to disengage from sex. Granted as you said, you don't really have the opportunity to engage (at least with you wife), but even a little masturbation may help things here. I am of the personal opinion that celibacy is not required to make spiritual progress. It will help when it is time, but to try to force it to fit into "your" timeframe is not going to help matters. Forcing things will only push them further away and cause MORE obstructions IME. Let go....be easy with it. If you have an ejaculation it will not end your journey...it will not even push you "further from the goal". All is here right now and that includes "the goal". When it is time for you to be celibate it will happen naturally...you won't have to force yourself to want to be celibate, you will naturally want to be. The main benefits IME of abstaining from orgasm and cultivating the sexual energy, are the subtle energetic benefits. This only one part of the entire "equation". "Enlightenment" IMO is an equal blend of silent awareness with the divine energies, producing an "outpouring of Divine Love" as Yogani would say. Celibacy is one way of cultivating the divine energies, but it is not the ONLY way, and it is not (IME) necessary to force it to happen at any specific time.....it will be a natural side effect of the journey when the time is right. This is just how it is happening for me though, so your milage may vary

 

Love,

Carson

Edited August 7, 2009 by King Kabalabhati

[froggie]

Hi, maybe do more other things instead? Give eachother presents more often, give a hug every time you want to, etc. and maybe the rest will become naturally more also and maybe even more satifying.

Just 2 cent.

 

What is a cool draw by the way?

 

Thanks,

froggie

 

 

Greetings,

 

For reasons concerning both me, my wife and the environmental factors (three small kids and a lot of work), I'm not getting a fraction of the sexual life I would desire. She is not much bothered by celibacy but for me this is very hard, thus making it hard for her, too.

 

I'm doing exercises like the Cool Draw, Scrotal Compression and inverted poses. I've been cultivating my seed for half a year now, but the problems have existed much longer. These exercises seem to be of some help, but still from time to time I find myself in a conflict because of this. It makes me feel sad and rejected, or at least it triggers these emotions.

[Mal]

[Moonbar]

 

Hey Mal, love the description of your Cat technique - how true it is

[Mal]

oops all credit to Santi for the Cat technique.

 

He helped me first _/\_

 

(all my good ideas are stolen from my teachers, it's just the silly embellishments that are mine)

[King Kabalabhati]

Mal, thank you, this is very good pondering and I know I should give her more space.. And give myself more space. Today I did some Tao Yin breathing and as I filled my body with golden light and relaxed, I started laughing until tears came to my eyes and I realized I was crying... for no apparent reason. But I know there was a reason. I need to work on my emotions or I shall keep trying to get from her something I should be able to get direct from Jah, or Tao, as they say around this forum.

 

Froggie, The Cool Draw is the same as Testicle breathing, where you gently draw the cool energy from the testes to the perineum and upward. From Chia's book "Cultivating male energy". I know in my case it's not a lack of tenderness or being mindful. In fact, my woman seems to get a bit annoyed sometimes because I'm too much of a hugger. Probably related to the same emotional knots, Jah knows..

 

Well, my wife said she's praying everyday for more love so she could help heal me and be more compassionate. I know this is very beautiful..

We've been healing helping and correcting each other a lot through our near-decade of life together and I know this is not going to be the end of it. Forward with love!

Edited August 8, 2009 by King Kabalabhati