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soaring crane

a little light language humor ... :-)

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My wife and I actually remember this from the early, early days of email. She was working at one of the first US companies to implement email for their employees, and one of her first contacts was an aeronautics engineer from Scotland. His name was Harve and even back then, he was sending out joke mails like this, which I re-discovered today when I searched the phrase "the boots of ascension":

Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Hotel, Vienna: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. if you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest: The lift is being fixed for the next day. during that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

Doctor's office, Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.

A laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In an Italian cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

Hotel brochure, Italy: This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. in fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.

In a Swiss Mountain inn: Special today - No ice-cream.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Borest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer in Germany: Do not activate with wet hands.

On the grounds of a private school in Scotland: No trespassing without permission.

Hotel elevator, Paris: Please leave your values at the front desk.

Eastern Europe

Hotel, Yugoslavia: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

Taken from a menu, Poland: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten in the country people's fashion.

From the Soviet Weekly: Here will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.

Australia & New Zealand (Say, don't they speak English there?)

On a poster in Sydney: Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help.

In a New Zealand restaurant: Open seven days a week, and weekends too.

On a highway sign in Australia: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Far East

In 2002, a sign in front of a rock garden in the Forbidden City in Beijing warned tourists: Please do not climb the rocketry.

Sign over the information booth in a Beijing railroad station: Question Authority

Included with the package of complimentary wares in a Chinese hotel was a pair of workout shorts marked: Uncomplimentary pants.

A paragliding site near Beijing has a sign that reads: Site of jumping umbrella.

The translation of the Ethnic Minorities Park in Beijing for a long time was Racist Park.

Supermarket, Hong Kong: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: Cooles and heates; if you want condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.

Translated from Japanese to English and included in the instructions for a soap bubble gun: While solution is not toxic, it will not make child edible.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviors in bed.

Hotel, Japan: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigour.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: Please do not bring solicitors into your room.


In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Nairobi restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

On a South African building: Mental Health Prevention Centre.

In a South African maternity ward: No Children Allowed.

Mexico and South America

Hotel, Acapulco: The manager has personally passed all the water served here




Taken from this link:

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I remember that chain e-mail!


I once worked for the US subsidiary of an Italian CNC machine producer. We received a new model of machine one day with all documentation and screens only in Italian but were assured that we needn't worry because they had translated the entire manual into English for us. Sure enough, in the packaging was a bundle of many hundreds of printed loose-leaf pages.


We realized the futility while scanning over the table of contents -- one of the chapters was entitled "Fully Grown Given Gods in Memory."

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I remember when Archie, Veronica & Jughead were Internet terms. (Of course, I remember when they were comic book characters, too...)

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Thanks Soaring Crane!  So hilarious...


In a hostel in Spain I came across this sign announcing, I think, a curfew.  The hostage will be shot at 10pm.

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Since I first used a PC, I've had a little folder called "Other" with various folders and files in that has followed me from computer to computer. It has sentimental value; it's got some MS Paint drawings I did back then, some stuff that I wrote, and a folder called "Funny", in which I saved a number of chain emails. Here's one that shows its age:




 11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

 10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

 9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

 8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call email Envy.

 7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

 6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species.
    Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

 5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

 4. If you use it too much you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

 3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

 2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.


 1. If you play with it too much, you can go blind.




... I found it funny at the time, anyway..

Edited by dustybeijing
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Thank you, SC! 


This takes me back...  to China. <_<







Edited by Taomeow
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I noticed your post count is catching up to Brian's. Someday your post counts may cross. ^_^

That's what comes from being on staff. Ordinarily, I would have been gone months ago... ;-)


Nice of you to notice btw :-*

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That's what comes from being on staff. Ordinarily, I would have been gone months ago... ;-)


Nice of you to notice btw :-*

You can never be gone.  The Tao wills you to be eternally here.

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Over Easter, my daughter dropped an egg. I told her to make soup. "Dropped egg soup", lol.


That's not my original schtick, I've simply waited 22 years (it's from MAD magazine, 1993) for the opportunity to reveal itself:





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