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sean

Chuck Norris

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Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz steaks in 1 hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

 

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

 

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

 

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

 

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.

 

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

 

Chuck Norris uses his forehead as a flyswatter... and he has never missed.

 

Chuck Norris's belly button is actually a power outlet.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't get drunk. He drinks to get sober.

 

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.

 

Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

 

One drop of Chuck Norris sweat can cure you of anything, even death.

 

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

 

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you cant see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

 

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

 

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

 

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

 

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

 

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

 

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

 

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

 

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

 

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

 

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

 

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

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I'll never forgive Chuck for being a good martial artist who knows his stuff in real life, for doing so many lame ass - begin back kick, stop camera, stretch leg several minutes, new angel, start camera, foot kicks perp, perp flies. Repeat through out the show.

 

Why he'd want to do such a lame circa 1970's move in the first place is beyond me. The fact that he can't do it in a single take, also makes me wonder why he allows such lame fight choreography when he knows 'real' fight moves.

 

Michael

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I'll never forgive Chuck for being a good martial artist who knows his stuff in real life, for doing so many lame ass - begin back kick, stop camera, stretch leg several minutes, new angel, start camera,  foot kicks perp, perp flies.  Repeat through out the show.

 

Why he'd want to do such a lame circa 1970's move in the first place is beyond me.  The fact that he can't do it in a single take, also makes me wonder why he allows such lame fight choreography when he knows 'real' fight moves. 

 

Michael

10319[/snapback]

 

Steven Segal suffers from the same problem. Bruce Lee commented on this. In a nutshell, there are 2 types of martial arts:

 

1. Real life martial arts. Meaning, you want the fight to last as SHORT as possible, and your intentions are to flee or fight. (Fighting is part of fleeing too. Dissabeling your opponet enough so you can flee.)

 

2. Hollywood/film/movie martial arts. Meaning, you want the fight to last as LONG as possible. Your intentions are to pose, pose, pose. This works best when, and IF, the fighter cherographs their own fight moves and/or someone who IS a martial artist is in charge of cherographing the fight moves.

 

Chuck Norris, and Steven Segal, the majority of the time do not have martial artists cherographing their moves. And if they do it theirselves, they have not studied the above two points mentioned by Bruce Lee. This is why Chuck seems to do the exact same move all the time in every single movie. He first has not arrived at the above two points. He has not made the effort to further study film aka become his own cherographer.

 

Add to this list of good real life martial artists, who have "failed" on film:

Chuck Norris, Steven Segal, ERNIE (anyone remember ERNIE? Around age 12 he was beating up grown men! Had his own TV show for a bit), Jean Claude-Van Damme, Cynthia Rothrock, the guy who made that movie "Gymkata", and other much lesser known names not worth wasting space. (Like the guy who made all the "American Ninja" movies LOL!.)

 

Bruce Lee studied film from age 4 onward. As well as martial arts. Jackie Chan was and understudy of Bruce Lee. Hanging out with Lee, and even appearing in some of his movies. ADD the fact that Bruce Lee was involved in real life or death battles. There is no substitute experience for having won real life battles. For experiencing the real life "killer instinct". Chuck Norris, and the rest of them, were Tournament fighters. First, there are RULEs. Then there is a refferee. Yadda, yadda. It's what made Mike Tyson rip apart opponets in the ring in 10 seconds or less - he was fighting for his life on the streets of New York City. He had the real life "killer instinct".

 

Another example is in the book on the Hell's Angels. The founder Sonny Berger tells of how the Hell's Angels would always kick the s--- out of every martial artist they'd on purpose start fights with. Knocking them out cold in 1-2 fistsmashes. (They would go into "square" bars, see a guy dancing with a girl, and on purpose walk up to the girl and snatch her away from her "square" guy. The "square" guy would go into Tournament martial arts stance and mode. When he came to, he was in back of an ambulance..)

Because the Hell's Angels constantly, every night to once a week, were in life or death fights with other bike gangs. (like the Gypsie Jokers, the Breed, and tons of others.) Every single Hell's Angel got in touch with the "killer instinct".

 

--------------------------

 

Soooo... to anyone who wants to be the best possible martial artist, in the movies and on TV:

 

1. Study film! Everything in front of the camera, and behind the camera. Go to school for it, work under people already in the industry. Observe. Lighting is most important. As well as the other stuff - music, story, plot, etc...

 

2. READ! Read classic lit, lit from as many different countries as you can. So one will be able to bring "newer" ideas to the screen for plots.

 

3. Yes, train under good martial arts instructors. IMHO the best ones are Asian. Or next best thing.....at least choose one whose master was Asian.

3b. Get into running 10k races. Excellent stamina, and mind strength builder!

 

4. Yes, on purpose get involved in real life street fights. Go into any Asiantown, stand on the sidewalk, sooner or later if you are non-Asian, some young punks will on purpose try to kick your a--. Even better, travel to other Asian countries, as soon as you step off the airplain, young punks will try to kick your a-- every 2 seconds LOL! Get an Asian woman, and they will try to kick your a-- non-stop! You will be forced to experience the "killer instinct"!!!

 

5. Up to ya if ya want to then partake in Tournament fighting. The USA is the best location for best visibility. Sooner or later Hollywood will notice you.

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It seems to me now that UFC and MMA is getting big martial arts movies are dying .Why waste time and money on some fake looking fights when you can watch real fighting from real fighters?

 

The exception is Hong Kong cinema like Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and Kung Fu Hustle which are awesome.

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