blue eyed snake

On 7-6-2024 at 1:44 AM, liminal_luke said:

I went to a pediatrician as a kid who ended up wanting to talk to my dad about how his anger was effecting me.  Last time I saw that pediatrician.  Guess it´s not just a Texas thing.

 

samesies, although not anger and father but neglect and mother

same age, different continent

@C T

 

its confusing, or it was when I was a teen and  decades later. 

 

first it was: you're a girl--- bot nope, i do not feel I am a girl so then I must be a boy ( strict dichotomy, when you're not A then you must be  B,  this was as a preschooler 

 

Then I found I was attracted to boys, young teen, dreaming over that one boy in the class...but how can that be? when I am a boy then attraction to boys would mean I am homosexual, or am I a girl after all. ( this was at a time were homosexuals pretty much were not allowed to be a teacher)

 

some years later wildly in love with a girl, I still remember her sweetness. Now, am I a boy falling in love with a girl? Or am I a lesbian for wanting to share with a girl- more confusion   

 

so I can well imagine that the same confusion reigns now for some kids, but on the other hand,

 

Friend of mine never had one moment of confusion, he was a very feminine homosexual but never had any confusion about his gender.

On 31-5-2024 at 9:01 PM, liminal_luke said:

 

Zapchen (Zapchen Somatics) is a somatic wellness practice that combines simple childlike bodily movements (yawning, sighing, stretching, jiggling, etc) with elements of Buddhism.  It´s great stuff, imo, but not the important part of my anecdote.  My coach Laura fell in love with another woman and entered a relationship with her in spite of the fact that she remained sexually attracted to men. I found this inspiring, a little weird but inspiring.   

 

In my younger years I had sexual relations with both men and women. Looking back on that,  I prefer men in my bed, the thresh-hold for women to end up in my bed was a bit higher. I needed a stronger heart connection so to say. Also differences in how I enjoyed, as in qualitative differences.

 

Now that my sexuality is reduced to looking and enjoying like you enjoy a butterfly, without any active intentions. Both genders can look good to me but I prefer women. That has always been so, I do remember long ago we were eating lunch and looking at passers by, i spontaneously said, hey look what a beautiful girl is walking there. Which gave me surprised looks from my colleague mechanics and then one of them said,  somewhat baffled: "you really are a man".

 

which shows nicely how people tend(ed) to think their sexual orientation  determines whether they are man or woman

 

12 hours ago, DreamBliss said:

I've got some Shamanic drumming tracks so I am covered there. But I don't have any ready visualizations or anything to work with. I had the thought that maybe I should find an authentic Native American Shaman on YouTube, if there is such a person, or failing that, find a Native American Shaman author - some sort of teaching that would be used with the Native Americans when working with a spirit animal or guide.

 

I don't really know who or what Ayhunna is. Only that I think of him as a him, I see him as a fox (and I'm not ready to deal with seeing him as anything else) and he first showed up during that dream re-entry where I was using Shamanic Drumming. So I figure the best way to honor him would be with some sort of authentic Native American practice.

 

how nice to meet you here, its been a long time.

 

I cannot answer your questions being quit unlearned but maybe just sit down, remembering that fox and softly drumming. Then just observe whether something happens, just observing, keeping your cool as in not getting emtionally heated so to say.

 

Just calmly repeat this, in a rhytm, like maybe once every week, no need to be hasty, slowly does it.

and find a good spot

 

who knows he will come back for a next "lesson"

 

I tend to approach things like this

 

There are foxes in this neigbourhood, amazing creatures

1 hour ago, surrogate corpse said:

My post was less about "queer" than about the rest of the post. I just used "queer" because Luke did.

 

But it connects in this way: "queer" includes all of us, whatever it is that makes us deviant freaks. It is one struggle. Respectability politics, by contrast, divides us in two: the "good ones" who will sacrifice their brethren for table scraps, and the "bad ones" who won't.

 

In the Haitian slave revolution, the half-black Haitians were not free, but they were put in a privileged position relative to the fully black slaves. When the revolution occurred, they largely sided with the white slaveowners. They were getting scraps; if they fought for justice they might lose even those.

 

Every struggle is like this. Cis gays have gotten their scraps. They deserve so much better, but they also know that it can be so much worse. Just look at how things are for tranny freaks like me. If they get grouped with us, maybe they'll return to being treated like us...

 

If trans people should be so lucky as to get the same scraps as cis gays have gotten, the same will happen to us. We too will fear to lose the too little we've gotten; we too will throw whoever replaces us to the wolves.

 

Fear is a powerful motivator. That's why I keep returning to it. The first principle of morality is: master your fear. Everything else follows.

 

 

very well put

 

Quote

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

 

for @Maddie

 

9 hours ago, stirling said:

Enlightenment is the end of struggle, which also means the end of "self" and identity. This is how enlightenment looked when one of my teachers, the late Jana Drakka,  was alive:

 

 

Many of the people in the hospice she regularly worked in called her "sir" or "Mr.". It didn't bother her. She was lesbian. If you asked her what her gender was she would say that her body appeared female, but that she HAD no gender identification. When I think of how the struggle of identity ends, she is the primary person I think of and admire, and the reason why I posted anything at all previously. 

 

 

_/|\_

On 6-5-2024 at 12:34 AM, Nungali said:

 

He did did he ?     Instill a sense of care by teaching them karate ?       

 

I can think of a few other things that might instill a sense of care other than  that !   

 

Typical misconception multiplied by a  business owner that is  mostly being used by kids nowadays and has a high client turnover .

 

oh, excuse me, i did not make myself clear.

 

he told me : i have this bunch of young and often quite aggressive guys and I teach them to be more dangerous then they already are. So I need to instill some responsibility in them. That's much harder then teaching them the physical things.

 

1 hour ago, stirling said:

The Dao, the "I AM" and Buddhas are genderless. Most of my teachers (and me) would say (or have said) that they also have had substantial, or complete reductions in identification with their bodies or other identity constructs. I can see now that gender, for me anyway, was always shades of grey. 

 

Why wouldn't we, living in Samsara, drop the walls of various types of identification to alleviate our suffering? 

 

 

never thought of it in those terms, i mean I am just stumbling through life.  

 

 

but most people are just living, unaware and uninterested in spiritual ways of looking at life. My guess is most trans people do surgery to reduce their suffering and to be more compatible to both their own sense of self and society.

 

as for me, it slowly grew

as a youngster a NDE, so the identifications with body was never strong and the identification with sex specific characteristics just never was. I am not woman and societal rules made me believe that I then had to be a man.

But I am not a man either

so I am something inbetween,

the younger generation came up with the term non-binary, for a while that fitted me 

 

but now, I am just BES

as a weird cloud hanging around a physical body

 

a luminous blob 

 

 

 

1 hour ago, dwai said:

The mantra Om is basically a method of this inward collecting process. Om comprises of three syllables and the fourth part being silence - A, U, M (pronounced in Sanskrit as aah, ooh, mmm ). It is a model of the everything (aah) collapsing (ooh) into a singularity (mmm), and then silence/stillness/emptiness. A represents the material universe, U represents the process of returning/reversion, M represents the singularity and silence is emptiness. 

 

thank you for this concise formulation   

_/|\_

1 hour ago, Apech said:

 

Although I have no harrowing stories like this I have the same feeling about Ukraine and Gaza ... even WWI was called 'the war to end all wars' and even more after Nuremberg they swore there would be peace, that we loved peace - but now it seems we have forgotten.  I think if we had a thread on WWII you would have to put up with my historical musings about why and what are the causes of these disasters ...  I would like to talk about it but fear to go there.

 

 

 

the harrowing stories were on top, yesterday remembrance day was.

today was freedomday

 

 

for the first time in my life I did not attend, I am not able to go out but I did not look at the telly either.

 

I do not want to see someone from a party that fulfills almost all the characteristics of fascism to lay a wreath for the fallen.

I do fear for my country, for Europe and I would like to hear your musings.

 

so maybe @steve can snip this off starting with my long post and title it: WW2, what it means for us and how to proceed.

.

 

this is Rotterdam in 1930, the city were my dad grew up, he was 10 in 1930. He walked those street, probably doing the things that boys do at that age, hanging out at the kays, looking at the ships.

start at 4.30  the first part is panoramic.

 

this is what happened when he was 20, when I saw ( and see) ruined cities in Ukraine or gaza I always see the pain in my dads eyes.

My mom was at home with her mom and her younger sister in a town close by Rotterdam, they could see and hear the bombs falling and my gran had to grab my mom preventing her running towards the city that held her lover. Gramp had died shortly before, much too young from a nasty illness.

 

"Whether he lives or is dead, I will not let you run into an untimely death, you stay here"

 

dad came out of it, physically unscarred but it kept living on in him, in his soul.

 

That is why all the current wars hurt me so, so many people will be maimed and dead and their homes destroyed and for generations the trauma will carry on.

 

They will carry the pain in their souls for generations.

 

 

 

and then the last winter, the Germans were inevitably losing but they kept up in the western half of the netherlands, traditionally the richest part of my country, Rotterdam was and is a big harbor which is teeming with activity.

 

My mom, then 22 arranged for her younger sister ( around 15 i think) to be brought to family in a rural part and although granny opposed it, it happened as she said and my aunt went to a farm were there was food.

 

that winter was very cold and there was hardly anything to make fire and there was no food, people went out to farms to beg for food, or to barter for jewelry, anything.

Flowerbulbs were eaten

 

my mom never really wanted to tell things from the war but this she told me: one day we had a slice of bread, one slice for several people so we carefully divided that slice in as many parts as there were people ( 8 i think) and we were all slowly chewing and savoring the taste of real bread. Then someone knocked on the door and came in. We all felt guilty because he could not share in the bread anymore.

 

one bite of bread ...

 

the dutch winter of hunger - 1944-1945

 

when I see pictures of Gazan children, i see this too

 

later, much later I did talk a bit about it with my mom, she told me of 1962, the year of the Cuba crisis. That she was so scared, what possessed me she told me, to intentionally become pregnant again, how will we take care of 5 children and a new baby when war rolls over us again. We hardly survived when there was only the 2 of us.

 

that way war trauma flips over to the next generation, we did not live through it, but we were reared with parents who did and we came off lightly I guess.

 

The babysit of my son had no family except for her parents, all family of the parents had been killed in concentration-camps, i shudder to think about it, what imprint that leaves.

 

 

1 hour ago, Taomeow said:

 

Since WW2 so many well-promoted books, articles, movies, TV series etc. appeared which depicted how scary, ugly, stupid, drunk Russians, in the nearest future, will unleash their troops and bears and balalaikas on this or that innocent country that it's small wonder.  It's institutionalized bias, not something grass roots.  But with the Germans, it's the opposite?

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

yes regarding the depiction of Russians in books and films

 

But remember my parents lived during German occupation, my dad lived in Rotterdam and was there while it was flattened by bombs, half of the war he spend hidden between floors and such. His cousin was caught, the last winter all of western netherlands was hungry and many died because there was no food and no ways to heat the houses. I do not know how many friends they lost during those years, they never told me. But for them remembrance day was definitely very personal losses. Also the germans had stolen everything they could during the occupation so it was years of work and hardship to put the country back on its feet.

 

So there was a good and personal reason to be very critical on the Germans and I remember that from my early years.

"lets not sit there" ( in a restaurant) those are Germans.

still these perpetrators were slowly getting back in a groove called friendly neighbors

54 minutes ago, Taomeow said:

 

His taekwondo ranking was honorary (unlike in the other martial arts), he got it from the World Taekwondo Federation (which is known to have given it to other leaders it liked) when things were good between South Korea and Russia, but then they took it away as part of the sanctions.  He practiced martial arts since age 11.  I don't think it would help though if more world leaders trained in MA -- they used to, in the olden days, but wars be warring.  Although a karate match between Trump and Biden is something I'd definitely buy a ticket to see.  At the very least choosing a winner in this olden-days fashion would have been no less meaningful than the modern way, and much cheaper for the taxpayers.   

 

My teacher also taught Karate, he was at a high level in Karate. Once he told us that the important thing teaching those lads was to instill a sense of care in them. To make them act responsible.

1 hour ago, Taomeow said:

 

And I will counter with, 

 

it's NOT OK anymore in the 21st century to casually insult people of color in the style of the 19th century.  Toward Russians it is STILL OK and encouraged and pretty much unchanged.       

 

I caught myself "yes but-ting"

 

You're right.

 

were does it come from?

I am from Europe, my parents lived through WW2 as young adults, I know their fear for Russia(ns) never faded but in the last part of their life the emotions towards Germans seem to have disappeared.

 

On 2-5-2024 at 3:02 AM, Nungali said:

 

I offered it before to you ... but - no response , on any level .

 

One more time : 

 

http://www.theisticpsychology.org/books/w.vandusen/presence_spirits.htm

 

perhaps you need some credentials for the author  ?

 

Chief Psychologist at Mendocino State Hospital in California where he worked among the mentally ill for 17 years. He holds an A.B., M.A. from the University of California and a Ph.D., summa cum laude, from the University of Ottawa, Canada, plus several other earned and honorary degrees in science, metaphysics, and investment. His two books The Presence of Other Worlds, and Natural Depth in Man (Swedenborg Foundation) have been translated into five foreign languages. He has also contributed to many other volumes and has written over 100 articles, mostly in psychology

 

Also I am curious about these two you mention not wanting to share publicly or privately  'what strengthened this belief '  and how you knew about this , what , they both declared , in some form, that they 'believe in demons'  but  ' and that is all we will say about it '   ? 

 

.

 

interesting read, thank you for posting

17 hours ago, Maddie said:

 

When I  read about your feelings and experience I really feel bad and wish you could go ahead and transition. Sorry if I'm out of place, I just get emotional when I read about what you say. 🥹🩷

 

No need to be sorry

 

I have thought so much about these things, when I was young the possibility to take hormones and/or surgery simply was nonexistent. I know that those days I would have jumped at the change to take testosterone and have double mastectomy.

To become more male, to better reflect my inner being into the physical body

 

But now I am glad the temptation was not there for me, as it has taught me how to live with the body I was born in. It brings its own set of lessons which weren't funny to live through but now I see their worth. I hd to connect with both the maculine and later in life the feminine part of me to find balance, to find I am just human and gender has become negligible ( for me).

 

There has been a time where I thought that the modern term nonbinary is a good fit for me but atm it feels as if its all just past me, that these were all phases to arrive at:  BES is a genderless human.

 

But in the current society  it's less hard to live as a very masculine woman then as a very feminine man and I keep thinking that it is society at large that has to change, so that feminine men and masculine women can easier find their place in society, without getting pushed in the duality male/female. That we all have to learn that male/female is not a dichotomy but a continuum.

 

Just as not everybody can see colors, accommodate these people, or left-handedness, many things really.

 

although were all human there are big differences between how our bodies and minds function.

 

should we do away with very smart people because they do not conform to the median? how about people with very low IQ

and if you say yes to one of those, why is that, and why not the other and who are you to judge?

 

also, i deem the early interventions dangerous. When someone has reached adult age it's their choice as in modern society it is totally normalized to shape the body as you want it. I come from a time were surgery on a classmate of mine with very floppy ears was deemed over the top by many parents. My thinking mind is formed and shaped in those days, I shy away from surgery when the body is healthy.

 

12 minutes ago, Nungali said:

Here is a different strange thing .... after many months of no training , ( which I thought may be permanent ) I am off to a kobudo session this morn ,

 

I am very 'rusty' on it .... no idea what will happen   

 

toodle-loooo

 

what a nice surprise, I wish you a happy time.

 a hard topic indeed. I live in a female body and have done so about twice as long as Maddie, i could be her mom ( hello darling daughter)

 

during my life I found that women at large have a certain set of feelings around their bodies, about motherhood, about being female, about interacting with each other that I could not relate too. Let alone duplicate

 

although I live in a female body

 

Now the younger generation has opened up this closed off closet and those of us born with 2 spirits  try to find ways to live their lives without having to play a role all their lives. When I was young I lived as a boy and later as a young man. I felt at home in myself, it was not a role, it was me.

 

later i tried to be female, I even had a child. It became  strangling, I had to play a role, I was playing theater without a pause. So a divorce followed and I am much better for it. Maddie may not be a biological woman, but she can now be herself and that self is much more female then mine ever had been.

8 minutes ago, Apech said:

Why did they bring him to you?

 

well... I guess it was known somewhat that i could heal people who hurt.

scenery - a bunch of hippie types, seventies

I do not remember that part too clearly, someone brought me to him asking me whether I could help

 

I remember kneeling at a mattress on the ground, looking at a drawn white face

i remember my anguish when I listened to his ravings, telling stories that were not fitting in the here and now, stories about things deep in the past. I remember how my heart went out to him, wanting to heal his pain.

 

It was my first encounter with big human pain, with real anguish, with something that exuded bad in large print.

to keep to the subject, with a demon 

19 hours ago, Nungali said:

  my big sister did the same thing once !   Except she never heard voices , she had a women's magazine with an article on how to card read on her lap .  And that was for a Christian fund raising !

 

then later  we find out  ( and by then I had become an avid tarot card reader , christian parents where absolutely flummoxed as to why ????  ) that our so called Spanish 'contessa' grandmother  was not so great at all ... she was 'merely a gypsy and even had people around to read their cards '

 

Me:  " Whaaaaa ?  Why was I never told that before ?"

Mother ; " Why ?"

Me; " Well, you have all been baffled why I got into tarot reading ! "

Mother ; " Oh dont be ridiculous ! How could that have anything to do with it, you didnt even know about it ! "

 

I had a crystal ball ( of sorts  ), but not all that much later one of my big sisters introduced me to the cards.

 

Dad, can I borrow this one for the festivities tomorrow?

You be careful, do not break it

 

 

6 hours ago, snowymountains said:

 

Happened a few times, I rebuild it 😎

 

ah, you are stubborn case,

your time will come