Could Buddhism help me with my problem

[Tom Beckett]

So I play online games with my friends a lot. For the most part in recent times I have been leader of the friend group for a couple of months because so far I guess I’ve always been the on with good ideas. Still though being the leader of the friend group is sort of irritating. The others are very whiny at times and there is one that really gets on my nerves.
 

Let’s call him Fred. Fred always trolls me and I am starting not to like him. Our friend group picks on each other often but it used to be as a form of comedy and we’d all share laughs, but nowadays it just makes playing not fun. Especially the way Fred trolls or “Jokes”. He trolls me and then gets me banned from groups when I troll him back in a much smaller scale. He talks about the past like me and my closer friends are the problem and says I’m prideful and that I never admit I’m wrong even though I openly admit my faults as a leader.

 

I’m just sick of the guy and the frustration but I don’t know how to deal with him. Anything Buddhism has to say about some of this?

[old3bob]

Buddhism says a ton of things and so do other ways,  in the meantime you might look into something like Judo, both physical and mental to avoid being in unwanted positions or how to get out of them.

[Mark Foote]

On 8/29/2022 at 10:02 AM, old3bob said:

 

Buddhism says a ton of things and so do other ways,  in the meantime you might look into something like Judo, both physical and mental to avoid being in unwanted positions or how to get out of them.

 

 

Judo's a great art, I got as far as second brown, and I would recommend it to anyone.  Having said that, the teacher makes all the difference--I had a teacher who was known in the San Francisco Bay Area for his gentle approach.  Teachers like that throw you, and you're grateful for the experience.

 

I would always recommend the kind of inner contact with an opponent that judo and the other martial arts teach.  "One-pointedness of mind" is a start--more about that here:

https://zenmudra.com/zazen-notes/?p=1975

[Jadespear]

Buddhism?  Why?  You're dealing with an asshole.  The only way to deal with assholes is to put them in their place.  If you try the "oh I'll be compassionate and all that towards this guy"... then you'll probably just get more of the same because you're basically enabling them to continue to be a jerk.  If you don't want to waste your time bickering with a jerk, just don't.  Leave and do something else, or find new people to play with.  Pretty sure the Buddha would recommend the same, as he often said "don't have friends just because you think you need them."   In other words, quality relationships is the only answer to your basic question.  Immature, ego-centric people who try to tear you down are toxic to your well being and should be told so - you could view such a confrontation with them as a compassionate thing as eventually if they don't recognize their faults their own lives will continue to suffer.  But in doing so, you obviously should be prepared for the classic response from them - " no im not you are! "  to which I would laugh in their face and say "good luck being a dick, no one of any worth will ever respect you, see ya douche bag."

 

 

[searcher7977]

On 8/29/2022 at 8:16 AM, Tom Beckett said:

So I play online games with my friends a lot. For the most part in recent times I have been leader of the friend group for a couple of months because so far I guess I’ve always been the on with good ideas. Still though being the leader of the friend group is sort of irritating. The others are very whiny at times and there is one that really gets on my nerves.
 

Let’s call him Fred. Fred always trolls me and I am starting not to like him. Our friend group picks on each other often but it used to be as a form of comedy and we’d all share laughs, but nowadays it just makes playing not fun. Especially the way Fred trolls or “Jokes”. He trolls me and then gets me banned from groups when I troll him back in a much smaller scale. He talks about the past like me and my closer friends are the problem and says I’m prideful and that I never admit I’m wrong even though I openly admit my faults as a leader.

 

I’m just sick of the guy and the frustration but I don’t know how to deal with him. Anything Buddhism has to say about some of this?

 

Buddhism would say to develop an attitude of friendliness, compassion, and equanimity towards both you and that person. I have used this approach often at work. What it does is cleanses yourself of impure intentions, specifically unconscious ones, such that interactions are not lined with hate and anger. Something as simple as wishing him happiness "may you be happy" will suffice. After all, if he was happy, he almost certainly would not act like that. Happy people are not usually assholes. 

 

It would also recommend to abstain from harsh speech, which includes trolling him or insulting him, either starting something or as a reaction.

 

Last, the pali sutras also recommend wise friendships, associating with like minded, "spiritual" people who also follow the same rules you do. The sangha. 

 

However, I do not think that alone is what you must do. I would recommend setting boundaries, and directly asking him to stop. If he feigns ignorance, be specific: "I am asking you to stop doing ____ or saying ___." See the book "non-violent communication" by marshal rosenburg. At an extreme end, if he does not stop, then cease contact and end that relationship, or at least minimize contact. Your friends may or may not follow. That is being compassionate towards yourself in the worldly sense. 

 

There could be other, also skillful ways. But, they must be in accordance with the Pali Cannon, free from anger, greed, and delusion. There is a book "Verbal Judo" that might also be helpful. 

 

There is no room in Buddhism for "putting someone in their place" as is commonly meant, as Jadespear suggested. That is certainly not the only way to deal with an asshole. If you choose to go that route, you will reap what you sow, and experience more inner turmoil. Likely outer turmoil too. I would not recommend that. There is no end to that cycle of verbal violence, and that is certainly NOT in accordance with ANY school of buddhism. 

Edited November 6, 2022 by searcher7977