TranquilTurmoil

My most important thread + accompanying article: Into the demon''s mouth

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First of all thanks so much to all those who have welcomed here and dont seem to mind my rapid posting. I feel like i have developed enough a repore now to try to seize the day and work on my deepest, most unresolved wounds i carry with me with those who are inclined to listen and practice loving speech.  to do this i would like to unpack and crowd source wise perspective on something I could never satisfactorily discuss with really anyone.

 

I have alluded to having demonic nightmares in other threads in 2013. That in itself led to profound trauma and anxiety/fear of deviating of deviating from my I Ching prescribed path, as in my unripe perspective I ascribed cosmic meaning to the nightmares: that i was punished for deviating from my path.

 

Fast forward a few months and a couple significant spiritual misunderstanding combined with a lack of guidance: I started  sleeping about an hour or two a night for I think a month or two. Some nights Id forego sleep altogether. As this progressed I started experiencing minor hallucinations that I could generally discern as being hallucinations, as a result of my sleep deprivation. The exception to this is that I started literally Seeing light and dark energy or I believe I did. In my enviroment Id see little dots of dark or sometimes little orbs of light i think whizzing by. When I would think an unwholesome thought or do an unwholesome action I would See a little bit of light leaving my body.

 

Now at this point of my training I had developed quite a bit of spiritual hubris and inferior virtue and disdain. I would condemn the masses, talk up my progress, and imitate the words and behaviors of those I admired. I say this because one morning this all culminated in a disaster of epic proportions. I consulted the I ching and got hexagrams 45.2.3 -> 28. For those unfamiliar with that configuration hexagram 28 refers to "Prepoderance of the Great" where the ridgepole (foundation) sags to the breaking point and if you "succumb to incorrect behaviors" the "dam bursts and the pent up energy you have accumulated leads to destruction and misfortune" This wasnt my first time recieving hexagram 28, but my first time under such intense circumstances. at some point that morning I made a mild and what i thought was an innocent boast to my mom about how my Cat liked me better than her. Within an instant i saw an orb of light leave my body and an orb of darkness approach me head on. Within moments, it was like a volcano erupted internally: A intense amount of energy I couldnt even percieve before erupted and all my energy dispersed in a vasicillating disturbed and disturbing way. At this moment shock and panic set in.

 

The night before one of my hallucinations was seeing an evil statue on a table in my living room that had pictures of my deceased grandpartents (whom i wasnt that close to.) I dont remember if it was a hallucination that stayed or dissolved or not but nonetheless after I walked towards that room in shock a couple minutes later, processing what had just happened, I accidentally looked towards the table, saw the evil statue and its energy went flying across the room into my (energetic?) body. 

 

Skipping the gory details of the week or two that followed for the moment while I have shared this experience to varying extents with others, I never have had the opportunity to share it with anyone with the requisite knowledge and faith to contextualize and not label it at best kundalini syndrome, and much more commonly and alienatingly "psychosis". I was inspired to share this this morning after stumbling upon this tricycle article: https://tricycle.org/magazine/demons-mouth/ about MIlarepa facing demons in his cave. I think finding how to make sense of this situation,  feeling understood, and figuring out how to relate to the experiences and fears that surround it would go a long way towards healing and integration.

 

Following these experiences and the ensuing hospitalization and unfortunate misdiagonosis of schizophrenia, I suffered ptsd, intrusive thoughts, you name it. I dealt with it in secrecy and thought supression for literally years, and am open to it now. Im still averse to and afraid of either sacrilegious or demonic intrusive thoughts although I relate to them much better and make more space for them. I still have a ways to go though and I dont know what approach to dealing with them. HOpe to get good feedback.

 

-Elliot

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5 hours ago, TranquilTurmoil said:

I think finding how to make sense of this situation,  feeling understood, and figuring out how to relate to the experiences and fears that surround it would go a long way towards healing and integration.

 

What would the healing and integration of this look like? How would you know it's fully healed?

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Posted (edited)

Well I think there is no such thing as full healing until immortality or Buddha hood is reached I assume. I want to reclaim my Joy! And stop carrying around my burden of pain and disenchantment. Whilst still maintaining “the tender heart of sadness”

🙏🏼

Edited by TranquilTurmoil

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To the credit of TDB , my zen center, and a shift of philosophy from passive waiting to resolute seeking, I feel increased emotionality (in a positive way) and connection over the past week. 

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I appreciate you sharing and your general demeanor here.

My own path is the direct one, not so much one of analysis or interpretation.

I think your opening and sharing in a supportive environment should allow some degree of processing which is an important part of healing. For me healing is largely a matter of being OK with whatever is present in the current moment. Another very important part is being OK, in fact embracing with kindness, that aspect of my self that I've alienated or despise in the context of former actions and ideation. I offer you a warm, luminous, and spacious hug and will continue to check in on this thread.

:wub:

 

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10 minutes ago, steve said:

I appreciate you sharing and your general demeanor here.

My own path is the direct one, not so much one of analysis or interpretation.

I think your opening and sharing in a supportive environment should allow some degree of processing which is an important part of healing. For me healing is largely a matter of being OK with whatever is present in the current moment. Another very important part is being OK, in fact embracing with kindness, that aspect of my self that I've alienated or despise in the context of former actions and ideation. I offer you a warm, luminous, and spacious hug and will continue to check in on this thread.

:wub:

 

Thank you Steve, TWR and our interdependent intertwined sangha <3. This morning i felt myself compelled to weep at buddhist articles about inclusivity, songs about mental illness and rejection and so on. I didnt quite cry, as I havent in 3.5 years, but thats progress. Surrender and resignation can be wonderful and graceful, or disheartening and disillusioning or both. 

 

TDB has been a lot of help.

 

PS lately I've been seeing the unity of direct mind methods and focused contemplation. I feel that I've been "cracking the koans" of a DDJ i ve read 10000 times, as well as song lyrics by various artists of various genres. With that I still need to tear down the walls built up over a lifetime of struggle to be able to merge the insight of the mind with the wisdom of the heart (or vice versa) to truly embody the Way. To paraphrase Hongzhi IF within illumination, serentiy is lost ----> nihilism. If within, serenity, illumination is lost ----> wastefulness/spiritual hedonism. :)

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38 minutes ago, steve said:

I appreciate you sharing and your general demeanor here.

My own path is the direct one, not so much one of analysis or interpretation.

I think your opening and sharing in a supportive environment should allow some degree of processing which is an important part of healing. For me healing is largely a matter of being OK with whatever is present in the current moment. Another very important part is being OK, in fact embracing with kindness, that aspect of my self that I've alienated or despise in the context of former actions and ideation.

 

Focusing on the bolder part, I ve come to terms (I think) with the decisions I ve made, path I have taken, and I no longer seem to feel much shame/regret. What “holds me back now” is that I haven’t been able to come to terms with samsara, with society, with the people I thought were my loyalest friends (and probably were at one point).

 

To quote my fav artist/rapper in college (who has deep flaws and unethical mistakes made) that summed up my desolation for years:

”Psychosomatic, addict, insane.

in my own nation like the Vatican, mayne”

💙🙏🏼💔

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