Yonkon

50 minutes ago, Rara said:

 

Good martial arts, bro. Tough if you're broke and unable to get anywhere but it's the biggest character builder.

 

By "good", I mean something grounding that isn't going tonhave you tearing heads off for enjoyment, but also, not too floaty that it puts your head in the clouds.

I want to do martial arts since i was a little boy, i think the time has finally come. Here is whats possible for me based on my location:  

• Judo
• Ju-Jutsu
• Brasilian Ju-Jutsu
• Tai Jitsu
• Karate
• Kung-Fu
• Wing Chun
• Qi-Qong
• Aikido
• Taekwondo
• Fencing

This is pretty overwhelming. What would be the most "good" one? And is there another style that isn't on the list but is still worth checking out?

I'm currently reading "Thick Face, Black Heart" by Chin-Ning Chu and the passage that i read this morning striked me as fitting:

"As William Shakespeare said in Hamlet, "I must be cruel, only to be kind." You should never stop exercising your compassion. Have love in your heart, but be smart and express your compassion with restraint and detachment. 

At times, we wish to reward others with an abundance beyond their possible expectations, so we share  our resources with the needy beyond our reasonable capacity. .... Through experience, we see our compassionate generosity often abused. It seems to some, the more you give, the more you should give. These people act as if you owe them. Out of your desire to be kind, you expose yourself without a protective shield. Compassion is a state of mind, not a blind competition over how much you can do for others. Often, in order to be kind, we have to control our desire to do too much. Along the same lines, good parents learn the importance of controlling their urge to overly indulge and pamper their children. They know that they must be cruel, only to be kind."

As i write this down i realize how much this applies to my situation..

7 hours ago, Stosh said:

Too bad , so sad .. you've decided you're a wet noodle ,, but notice

this is now , about you being weak ,

not ....... You -being a caregiver with your abundant excess energies. 

man, i don't want to be a wet noodle anymore. I see that i'm the enabler, and frankly i'm sick of it myself. Time to confront some demons. The decision is made. 

6 hours ago, Nungali said:

Nothing like emotional attachment, a bit of insecurity and guilt to cement that in .    Of course, it would never have happened if the mother had not allowed it right at the beginning .

I drag a lot of shame with me, thus i'm very easily manipulated through guilt and shaming. (maybe that's why @Stosh called me a wet noodle  ) It's quite shocking when i think about it. This is the pattern i have to stop. 

4 hours ago, Stosh said:

American command knew this would be so , as did Tsun Tsu ... you should read his stuff. 

My gf bought the war of art, maybe i will give it a go 

4 hours ago, Stosh said:

take the action and live with the emotions later. 

This is a radical advice. 

1 hour ago, manitou said:

 

Figure out what first kicked off the initial fear, long ago.  This fear is a duplication.

I have the feeling that if i would immediately confront the root issue, it would completely knock me down and crush me. This fear is probably only a smoke screen, but yet again, it feels so real that it freezes me.  

4 minutes ago, manitou said:

And the thing to remember when going back through childhood is that your dad was brought up exactly the same way by his father, and his father the same way.  It's the gift that just keeps on giving.

I often thought about this dynamic. He got his pain from his uprising and so on. I imagine it like a wave that travels forward in time, uninterrupted till someone shines awareness on this occurrence and ends the cycle. I have this big question, where did the wave come from? Where do i get when i travel all the way back to the beginning of the wave? I call this the "Urschmerz" or primal pain. The big bang of suffering that now wanders outwards and creates all kinds of ripples. Maybe this is what the story of adam and eve is all about? 

2 minutes ago, Stosh said:

ones mind can be the sneakiest of adversaries 

Take my word on this , I know what I am talking about,  when it comes to dysfunction  

Can you tell me how i can bring myself to act while being frozen with fear? I feel like the right action can not be forced, but how do i get there? Thanks for the help.

3 minutes ago, manitou said:

 

This sounds like a very good start and could be very effective.  Try to find the situation(s) in your very young life that first caused the walking on eggs situation.  Did you have to walk on eggs around your dad, mom, anyone in the home?

Yes, i had a short tempered dad. I worked a lot to get over the trauma, and now we can talk more or less respectfully with each other. But the relationship is still tense. 

4 minutes ago, Stosh said:

Actions write the story in stone , mental gyrations evaporate into the ether.

Some mental gyrations can help to act, don't you think? But it can and will become quickly to a to form of distraction, so you are right. 

5 minutes ago, manitou said:

Forgiveness of the person who inflicted pain on you as a child is one way, and usually is the most potent.  It's like untangling a strand of gold jewelry, but it needs to be done to effect the change.

I started to work with the book "how to forgive when you can't" by Dincalci. It's a powerful book with great exercises, mainly writing letters from your perspective and the perspective from the one you want to forgive. I highly recommend it to anyone who is open to the idea of forgivene

12 minutes ago, Stosh said:

Don't forget it works the other way around too , which is to say,  you can endlessly play victim here , because folks want to help you.

It is so easy to forget!  That's why it's so important. Thanks for the reminder.

7 hours ago, manitou said:

They actually don't really want to get better, and we actually don't want them to get better.  At a subconscious level, of course.  That's where the powerful stuff lurks.  And we're called the Enablers.  We enable them to stay sick because our attention is always focused on them, their every need is met, we tell white lies for them, and god knows the hours we spend encouraging them, yada yada.  You what what I mean.  I know you do.

This seems very true. I don't like to see me as the enabler, but what other description would fit my behavior? With every "what's wrong honey?" i enable her victim role and my caretaker role. Crazy how much depends on my own mind and habits. Thank you for reaching out!

@Everything Thank you for this massive post. When you first posted it 6 months ago it was too much for me in many ways. This is extremely dense, so i will take my time to read it often and thoroughly. Hopefully, in the next months to come, i will be able to respond.

14 minutes ago, Shadow said:

Done. You'll start to notice shifts in your life in the coming months. 

Well thank you 

17 minutes ago, rideforever said:

Why don't you take you apply for anew job ?   

I'm on the lookout right now

18 minutes ago, rideforever said:

Letting your career die is certainly not something you owe anyone, I can't see it helping anyone.

The place where i worked was horrible, she kind of saved me. I was only in for the money and now i can really see that. But you are right, this is a clear boundary violation

10 minutes ago, Shadow said:

I do a little bit of energy work. Let me know if you'd like me to reach out and give your life a blast. 

This sounds great!

16 hours ago, Nungali said:

Dont you have to go to work ?  Thats longer than 2 hours .

When it all started i had to quit my job. This was bad, because it was fairly high paying, and good because i hated it and i planned to quit 4 months into the future to start studying. I lived on my savings for a while, now i'm completely broke. I started to give piano lessons - this is great but does not pay the bills yet. My Girlfriend say she is now ready for me to work part time.

16 hours ago, Nungali said:

This too is painful beyond words at first.  Until the process starts, you have not the faintest idea of how you have wrapped yourself in layers of lies."

 This is heavy stuff, thank you.

14 hours ago, ilumairen said:

 

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060928972/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_NVycDbKJCSVE6

 

Best wishes. 

Thank you, will read it when i have the money

17 hours ago, Nungali said:

So, I encourage you to undergo the process and find your 'true self' and purpose - not the one that society hijacked you with . Without that, all the religions, cults, practices, drugs,  distractions, etc  ........   meh .

I decided a long time ago to make finding my purpose my purpose. Your post was very motivational, i will start this again.

16 hours ago, Nungali said:

A student asked his Sufi teacher how to attain and he told him " Go jump in the river ! "

3-4 Years ago i day dreamed daily about living and wandering in the woods almost daily. But now i'm afraid. I'm afraid that i will make a fool out of myself, that i will hurt myself and die, that i will ruin my future.  I think there will be a day when i will step into the forest, without a goal, just wandering into the unknown. But this is not today.

2 hours ago, Aetherous said:

To me it seems like you're being manipulated, and a healthier relationship would enable you to establish boundaries (rather than her threatening suicide if you attempt to), such as being able to go wherever you wanted for however long you wanted.

You should know that you aren't responsible for appeasing her issues...they are hers.

It is very obvious to me that this is the truth. Still, it feels so wrong to be this "selfish".

Also, we both signed the paper that binds us for more than a year to the apartment, so i can't just walk out of the door. 

2 hours ago, silent thunder said:

To be able to be a healing presence for one I love... what is a higher calling?  Is there more meaning in a monestary?  Or a job?  Or meditating?

This is very inspiring, thank you. I got this feeling that this relationship is perfect for me, that we found each other to work things out. But also i have the doubt that this is denial, dependency and ignorance. 

1 hour ago, Fa Xin said:

You've made a thread about the whole "No effort" , "Stop seeking" mentality that exists in some spiritual circles.  I don't think this concept can be forced - it has to happen naturally.  Until it does, I would suggest to continue your search and trying to make progress.

Over the years i build up the identity of the "effortless dude that stopped trying", i think it's time to let that go. Thank you.

1 hour ago, rideforever said:

Yeah, but ... who are you ?

Where are you, which country, are you on a farm, or in downtown ?
What do you do, in 24 hrs ?
Where do you live, and with who, and what's your work, what's the workspace like?
What's your family like ?
 

You see this is not a "general" thing ... nobody can help you just with this question.   What is your life like ?
You say you don't like it, like you are in a plastic bag ... okay well that means you aren't living well.

Why you feel like that ?
When you are with your friends, what's it like ?  Good ... boring or what ?
And work ?

And looking back when you were young or whatever, when DID you feel alive ?

Does that help understand things a bit ?

 

What time do you wake up in the morning ?  Does the alarm ring for 20 minutes before you can face the day, or are up like on a springboard ?
Do you spend your day with cans on your eyes, and watch porn all night ?
Or are you making spirulina milkshakes for lunch ?
What do you actually do ?

Damn this triggers me. It was probably intentional but your post felt very aggressive. You  are absolutely right with all points. It's an individual thing, and even if i wrote a wall of text to answer all of these questions, nobody can truly help me besides myself. On the other hand, i do believe its also a "general thing". Feeling stuck is a universal thing, and i wanted to know if someone on this forum can relate. 

6 minutes ago, escott said:

 

Are you prepared to live this way for the next 50 years? Choices...

It will not come to this, but it breaks my heart. She's making progress. I hope it will work out.

11 minutes ago, escott said:

What's keeping you where you are? Family? Do you have debts to pay, so you're sticking with your job? What's preventing you from radically changing your life? Hopefully these questions aren't too personal to ask on this forum. But, sometimes we have to realize that it is our own choices that have put is where we are. Maybe it's time to choose differently and break from the old patterns.

I have a girlfriend, she's got a anxiety disorder. We live together, this means when i go out for 2 hours she get's panic attacks.This means i can't wander around. I miss being alone. But i can't because she will break down. The last time she said she would kill herself. It's pretty dysfunctional. I love her, it's hard.

Just now, Aetherous said:

 

Find a spiritual teacher, and try to attain the ultimate.

I assume the teacher has to be met face to face, online will not do, right? I live in a small town, the next big city is pretty far away. I'm probably making excuses right now, but still.. it seems that this is not possible for me right now.

17 minutes ago, Aetherous said:

Sounds like you just need to figure out who you are

yep that's it. This is a life theme for me. I struggle with this for years. I'm completely confused in terms of identity and sense of self. How  can i figure this stuff out? 

Hey there,

i feel a bit down and thought that here i maybe find help.

In most aspects of my life, i'm struggling. Nothing really serious, i'm a pretty average joe. I'm not in a crisis. But for more than a year now, i seem to be stuck. It feels like that i froze, and now everyday is the same. This is a huge step up for me - before that i would have big ups and downs that really sucked the spirit out of me. Now everything is ok, "ok" in the blandest and most boring sense. First i started to escape the blandness of life with drugs: smoking dope, experimenting with psychedelics. I realized that this is not the answer for me. Then i started with spiritual practices. I tried so many different techniques, but i always quit after a while. I've done doing nothing, focus on the breath, mantra, visualisation, hatha, kriya, 9 breaths of purification and tsa lung. Now i start with doing nothing again and it's so frustrating. I cling to the idea of "progress", because progress means escaping the blandness. Most likely the answer is "accept the blandness and love it" but i can't. Maybe i'm scared to do that, maybe i don't know how. 

I just don't know what to do. Not in a desperate sense, more like in the ending scene of finding nemo: 

(great movie by the way)

The last seconds perfectly capture my feeling. I don't have a purpose. I'm don''t have a cause that i want to fight for. I'm just floating in ocean, trapped in a plastic bag. 

Can anyone relate to this? Any help is appreciated. 

24 minutes ago, Fa Xin said:

So basically you are saying that the ego, as you describe it, is helpful because it is a survival mechanism.  That it benefits you that way. Very interesting.  Survival is important

 

I think there is a misunderstanding. I am saying that the concept of ego is helpful, not the ego itself. When i know what the ego is, i know where to aim. I can focus on my spiritual development. When i don't know what the ego is, i cannot dissolve it. I hope we have not lost ourselves in translation  

Although yes, i think it is rather useful to have an healthy ego to operate in the material world. 

24 minutes ago, Fa Xin said:

Animals have a survival instinct, too.  But do they have egos?

Great Question! I would say no, their survival is more like being than doing.And we have it the other way. Although you are right, my concept of survival doesn't work in the context of animals, it's quite flawed and simplistic 

26 minutes ago, OldDog said:

 

Your child / mama starting point is fair enough but how do you see ego changing /developing over time ... with exposure to greater diversity in what is other than "me" ... with recognition that there are other egos active in existence. Is there not potential that an world view can become  ... unhealthy ... and unable to interact effectively / appropriately with the outside world?

definitely yes to all points, as i said above, i think the concept of ego is helpful on the spiritual path, it gives you a clear sense of what you are trying to dissolve. The Ego itself is also useful, when it's healthy and developed. Then multi perspective thinking, personal growth and understanding can happen. I'm not very clear and sure with any of this. It's more like a rambling than a clear conviction. 

On 14.6.2019 at 2:29 PM, Fa Xin said:

helpful to define what ego is... Also wondering how it’s helpful for you. 

Ego, as i understand it, is the conceptual word of the mind, the identification with the survival mechanism.

One day, as a baby boy, i started to make a distinction between me and the outer world. This is me and that is mama or something like that. Now i had the ability to actively manipulate my surrounding. I scream, so the now created outer world gets me the milk inform of my mama. "I do something so that the outer worlds responds in a way that helps my survival" That is the ego for me. 

This concept was only philosophy until i had the realization that the ego is not something i do or have. It is me. When someone is mean to me, it doesn't trigger my ego, it triggers me because i am the ego. It triggers my survival mechanism. So i have to learn, that when i want to realize the truth, i have to die. In the most literal sense. I dissolve myself, i dissolve the ego. I die before i die. It makes sense to me, the concepts works. 

So i'm interested how the ego is a problematic concept. I'm sure there is merit to this claim, so i'm curios. 

On 14.6.2019 at 2:50 PM, Rara said:

 

Resistance and struggle is normal because it's fighting the temptation to give up. The more you practice, the more this struggle diminishes and the practice becomes effortless.

Glad to hear that

On 9.6.2019 at 2:43 AM, dawei said:

If the concept of 'ego' is present, something to intentional avoid... it is still not wu wei... but like a mind-game to figure out how to get to wu wei.

Why is the concept of ego problematic? I think it's rather helpful.

1 minute ago, rideforever said:

If you are told do nothing, then you may act "do nothing".

Monkeys are great actors.

You can say "oh that sounds really spiritual, I can do that", and then act "do nothing".

But how long can you act for ? 

Really your understanding is very small if that's what you do.

This is not what is intended.

Flowing harmoniously with existence, taking ownership of your true self, fulfilling your objective function ... these are the result of a vast quantity of work on yourself.

One thing that can be done is to sit quietly and merge into the breathing, into the movement of the qi inside you, merge and merge and merge until only the natural flow of the vital force is left.   It is a big thing.

So it's more like a result, not the act itself? I heard that the 10 commandments are originally not meant as commandments but as a result of devotion to your Spiritual path. So that me reminded me of this mix-up.