Bearded Dragon

Years in Review

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I haven't posted here in years but I was contacted via PM about something, so I thought I'd write a few things.


While I was posting here years ago I was mostly interested in the whole enlightenment thing, although I admit my knowledge of such things were and still are quite naive. "Freedom". Such a word sounds great, but if misinterpreted.... well....


I was working in engineering, earning good money and living in a place that was both near the ocean and mountains. A rather nice situation overall apart from the fact that my job basically involved me spending years trying to make sure the things I designed weren't going to fail and send the company bankrupt (which it always was right on the precipice the whole time). Projects piled up and I started taking more and more time off, and when I was at work I would often either just stare blankly at the computer or try to get a minute or 2 of rest with my head on the desk. The very freedom that I so treasured was being used as a reason to keep going in a situation that was basically destroying my body and metality. "Throw yourself in the fire" was a term I liked to use, regarding refining the self in ordinary circumstances. What I was too naive to realise was that my "freedom" was actually more of a strong stoic resolve that did not take into account the physical limitations of the body and mind to handle the circumstances that were being pushed through. 


It was possibly not just work, but there may have been some sort of virus that triggered what would eventually be diagnosed as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, a term basically used after everything has been tested and the doctors have no idea. I had taken some prototype PCBs home to solder parts onto because it was easy enough, but after a week of it sitting in my car due to excessive anxiety of attempting any task at all I drove to work and quit on the spot. It was a relief, and a lot of weight was lifted, however it was just the start of about 6 months where I'd barely get out of bed. I'd wake up in the morning and it would take all day to gather enough energy to do something easy like grocery shopping (and even that I'd sometimes break out in a sweat). I didn't dare practice and wing chun for years afterwards because any time I intentionally rose energy up my spine I'd feel sick, so I kind of just quit energy practices apart from a bit of yoga one night a week which left me feeling great for the evening and back to square one the next day.


A few years on and I'm not as bad. I have an easy job and bought a house, but subconsciously my brain avoids effort. Things like mathematics I can't really do anymore because it feels like my brain just says no and I struggle to see the numbers in my head anymore. Same with things like housework and other things that used to be no issue. It's like there's a defense mechanism that is trying to help me conserve energy in any way that it can.


The reason I wrote this is that I feel it's really necessary to be critical of what you're actually doing, and not to put spiritual persuits over the requirements of the body and mind. After all, it is through this body and mind that spiritual persuits are persued. I have actually learnt a lot from this experience, but perhaps it wasn't entirely necessary.


Finally, a note on freedom. Freedom is already here. Sometimes you just need to sit for a bit to realise it. It has nothing to do with what you do, how you do it, or how strong your resolve is. The latter is a lesser freedom pertaining to the body and mind, which does not exist in a pure form due to the obvious limitations of the body and mind. Although there is nothing wrong with improving the body and mind I feel that perhaps a spiritual seeker would be better off just taking care of themselves as best they can and jumping straight into the pure freedom that is already here, right now. Perhaps the term "throw yourself in the fire" would be better as "sit in the hot spring" or something a bit less deathly.


Take it easy. Be free now.




Oh and if anyone is wondering, I'm in a good place so there's no need to worry.

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