Liver/Kidney purgatory

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Hello fellow Daoists,


I would like to pose a conundrum to you all.


You see, as of recent, I have been lying to myself for a long time. I have held secrets about myself that relate to vulnerability in order to appear strong and perfect. This has lead to a lot of energy sitting in my lower torso. My psychological disposition is stuck in hyper-stress where I exist alone away from anyone and I spend this capacity of awareness and attention towards the internet. I am a junkie for information and I'd rather indulge in the many possible pursuits of life in my dreams via my imagination. I am a masturbatory glut for I'm not willing to face women and learn more about myself through the constant rejection of who I currently am. I know full well that rejection is healthy, because it teaches you about yourself and what one must do to improve upon oneself.


I eat like crap. Junk food (much like junk information) is my soothing mate, who evaporates once the food is in my system revealing to me that he is a vacuous demon sapping my organs to function properly.


At this current state, the skin around my eyes have wrinkled in a short amount of time. I have blackheads galore, the colour of my skin around the bottom bag and top lid of both of my eyes is dark brown and I sneeze everyday constantly.


The bottom half of my torso feels tight and constantly aches. I suffer from loneliness and I feel that my friends who I have are avoiding me. I'm not so sure if that last part is just in my head, but it influences me to evade their company because I prefer to imagine what they're thinking instead of finding out what they're actually thinking.


I live inside my imagination with out any sort of pragmatism to transmute my dreams into reality (I fear the danger of my perception not matching up to objective reality).


Anyways, I was hoping to receive some sage advice from some of the higher Daoist wizards and see if you guys can bestow some light on these darkened times in my life.


Thanks guys.

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IMO the problems are wrapped in a lack of self acceptance or self respect - you need to work on this first, so then you have a solid ground of psychological health to stand on while tackling the root issues.


So in terms of external action, I think you should eat better, find productive/fun things to do, and approach someone for help in real life. Are your friends really avoiding you? Or are you pushing them away? Junk food may be comforting, but don't you deserve to actually feel good?


In terms of internal action, cultivate metta towards yourself. Over time, you can feel confident in deserving true happiness and exerting to get it. There are many approaches to metta, which you can find online. But just focus on yourself. Some sort of deity yoga, especially with a wrathful yidam, could also be helpful if you're so inclined.


After some time with that, you should be able to directly face the 'vulnerability' and work through what's causing that. I can't advise more on this without knowing more detail about exactly what it is and how you lied to yourself about it, but it's understandable if you'd rather not say online.


Hope that helps. :)

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Hey, sorry about the delayed response Seeker of Wisdom and thanks for your response, it has helped.


The secrets are more about me not having full power over my life. That what my parents did to me when they lied about who my real father was. About how my real father was too chicken shit to try and face me earlier in life. About how all 3 adults in my life were unknowingly creating a conspiracy that would later make me paranoid to trust anyone.


I was bullied immensely at school too. This made me shy and anxious (especially with women). The secrets also entail me not letting anyone know that I'm not ok and that I do need to connect with others and expose my vulnerabilities to them. Things like needing their help and looking for wisdom from others. I like to think I can learn all on my own where the opposite is very much true.


I want to think that I can do it all on my own. I suppose the big secret is letting the world know I can't, and that terrifies me.


Hope that helps to give you a clearer picture.

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