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I'm going to be perfectly honest and say I'm not much of a chatter bug. I may disappear (or seem like I disappear), but I assure you I always put forth an effort to contribute if I feel I have something to throw in the pot.


I'm kind of rediscovering meditation. I've been trying to "get back in the saddle". My life has improved since I started, but there are still things I need to work on. I have always had a problem with focus and drive. I am in school again now and doing moderately well, but I still struggle terribly with bouts of, literally, hours of staring blankly/mindless internet searching. It feels like I'm not physically capable of doing anything other than sitting and staring. I was given dextroamphetamine to help with this and when I had taken it it helped to a degree, but the staring didn't stop. It just made it easier to focus my attentions when I'm "here" and hadn't gotten rid of the dissociation.


I fell in with self-professed psychic vampires who claimed they had the same problem and the cure for it was to take energy from other people. It never worked for me. I get the impression that anything I experienced from it was psychosomatic, and even if it wasn't it didn't last long or feel too good. I think I'm too ingrained with a victim complex to make being a predator work anyway.


While I doubt my ability to take energy from other people, I feel like it's all too easy for people to take from me. I constantly feel like a carcass being picked clean. I've been able to make some improvements with diet, but it's hard to keep up and it too draining to do any sort of exercise routine these days.


I've been reading the Tao te Ching for, like, the third time in a year. I find it comforting. If anyone has a good recommendation for a publisher to get The I Ching from let me know. The copy I have is terribly retro and hard to read.


I think that's all. Sorry if it was TMI. Um... G'night! :D

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