liminal_luke

Some interesting points made in Dan Savage´s sex column (Savage Love) by guest experts on the subject of penis size. "CAP's girlfriend says his penis doesn't penetrate deeply enough," says Dreger. "CAP could try positions that let him get in deeper, or, better yet, he could take the time to figure out where his girlfriend's 'sweet spots' are, because, according to the sexology literature, length matters less than location." That means you need to retool your grind, CAP, not cut up your meat. You also need to stop viewing your dick as somehow fatal to your romantic prospects. "Dr. Schober did a study of guys who had really small penises," Dreger continues, "small enough to be described as 'micropenises.'" And how do men with dicks so small that doctors feel free to toss around an ego-shattering prefix like "micro" do with the ladies? "This study found that they tend to have 'close and long-lasting relationships' with women," Dreger says. And Dr. Schober says: "They often attribute partner sexual satisfaction... to their need to make extra effort, including nonpenetrating techniques." One of the microdicked men in Dr. Schober's study had a wife and a mistress. "So much for the theory that having a small member won't get you a woman," says Dreger.

I don´t think so. The only real "danger" is from mixing systems at the same time. Nothing wrong, in my opinion, with giving something a go, and then, if you discover it´s not for you, moving on to something else.

I´m mixed on the topic of relationship wish-lists. One friend of mine said he sat down one day and wrote down all the qualities he wanted in a partner, and, lo and behold, that´s exactly what he got. The relationship has been a long-term and mostly-good one, although if he had it to do over again he might have given some of the items on his checklist a bit more thought. For others, relationship wish-lists can be a bit too stifling. Say spiritual is at the top of your list. Ok, good so far, but now what? How are you going to recognize that spiritual person? I consider my mom very spiritual but she has a pronounced distaste for God-talk and wouldn´t go back to her yoga class after the teacher had everyone chant "ommm." Often, the most spiritual people don´t go around in spiritual-looking clothes saying spiritual-sounding things -- and you might well want to avoid a lot of those who do.

Of course you can do what you want, and no you don´t have to answer to anybody. But then again, why not try a system for awhile and see if you like it? Trying a system on for size doesn´t mean you have to make it part and parcel of your identity. You don´t have to sign any contracts or take any oaths. At least not in most cases. It´s kind of like cooking. If you´re an expert cook you know how the different ingredients work together and how to use them. You can make an excellent meal just off the top of your head. But what if you´ve never stepped foot in a kitchen before? You might want to say, "hey, this Barfoot Condesa looks like she knows what she´s doing....why don´t I try a recipe of hers?" If you don´t like it, try something else. Chances are that a tried and true system (spring forest, stillness-movement, sheng zhen....etc) that´s put together by a master, preferably someone that your fellow Bums vouch for, is more likely to be an efficient path to progress than what you cook up for yourself.

Bodhidarma, I get that you´re in a lot of pain around current norms around sex, and what you take to be your poor chances of finding the kind of relationship you want. I hope you get to a better place around these issues soon as this is something that is bothering you a great deal. Please give women the benefit of the doubt. You have some valid points about society in general, but that doesn´t mean there aren´t a lot of women who are not shallow, who are not superficial, who are not just looking for a quick fling with the guy that has the biggest penis. There are plenty of women who would like you, love you, just as you are. I know it. Liminal

Reading about the "shadow self" reminds me of a meditation experience I had many years ago. I´d decided that I was going to meditate for ten minutes each and every day, but for some reason I just couldn´t get myself to sit down and do it. Weird, right? I was berating myself. Ten minutes, I told myself, was such a teensy amount of time to do anything. Well, finally I´d just had it with myself and said I was going to do it right then no matter what. And as soon as my butt hit the cushion I was in tears. Immediately I got it....oh, THIS is why I was putting off my meditation. Turns out there was a bunch of not-so-easy-to-face emotion right under the surface, and I didn´t even know it until I started my practice. Or rather, part of me did know it (which was why I was avoiding meditation) but it wasn´t a part of myself I was consciously aware of. We´re all like this. There´s the part of ourselves that we know easily, and an often much larger part of ourselves that we don´t know, a part lost in shadow. Often we keep parts of ourselves that we don´t like very much repressed in the shadow where it seems we don´t have to deal with it. Shame especially gets locked in the shadow-self closet. But the funny thing about the shadow is how much good stuff there is down there too -- joy gets buried along with the shame, childlike wonder, playful spontaneity. Much of what we talk about when we talk about practice involves engaging with these shadow aspects of who we are. The idea is to know yourself better. To take aspects of self hidden in darkness (where they often end up controlling us from behind the scenes) and bringing them to the light.

Sounds like a wonderful feeling of freedom, that sense that you can do anything with your life.

Are you considering a career as a shephard, mindtooloud?

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Yes, I was going to mention Steve -- the local expert on these practices for sure. If you´re feeling stuck, dc9, Steve´s the guy to ask.

Hi dc9, I´m have that book as well, and took an online workshop about the sound healing practice. If doing everything seems overwhelming, I´d suggest just focusing on one part at a time. You could just work for awhile, for instance, with "ah" and let everything else go. No hurry.

It´s great to have big expanses of time to devote to nothing but practice. Oh, to be a monk! But even monks have kitchen duty. So here´s what you might do. Instead of feeling irked because your domestic life is clashing with your practice, find ways of integrating practice into that normal life. If you have to do the dishes, do so mindfully. Feel the warm suds on your forearms, be aware of the movement of your arm sd you place plates in the drying rack. In other words: be in the present moment. This works better if your practice centers on awareness and mindfulness, but even martial artists and alchemists can benefit from a little focused attention. If you look for them, opportunities for practice are everywhere. Not everything has to be sitting on your zafu for an uninterrupted hour. Practice "standing" while waiting in line at the post office. Practice "inner smile" while stopped in traffic. Normal domestic life is where our practice gets tested. It´s when we find out if our efforts during periods of formal practice are leading to more harmonious relationships with others, an ability to navigate through the challenges of work and love with greater ease. Practice is homework to get us ready for the pop quiz of domestic life.

The difference between reacting and responding? Oh, about ten seconds. Here´s my take. Reacting is what we do automatically, almost without thinking. Someone calls me a name; I call them a name back. When I´m stressed I´m reactive. There´s no space to consider alternate possibilities, no willingness to sit with discomfort or ambiguity. Responding, on the other hand, happens when we´re able to note our reactions without immediately putting them out into the world. We can consider: is escalating this conflict by fighting fire with fire what would really be best now? After due consider (like I say -- ten seconds) we can take a responsive action.

Now that you bring it up, maybe I misspoke saying teens and people in their 20s are at their sexual peak. The first sexual experiences we have are unlikely to be our best, however memorable. We haven´t yet learned to feel comfortable talking about what pleases us, to feel comfortable asking what pleases our partner. People in their twenties generally don´t have the interpersonal awareness that great sex requires. They´ve got hormones though, so there´s that. It may seem like all younger people want is meaningless sex, but I don´t think that´s so. Many younger people (and plenty of older ones too) lack the emotional maturity to cultivate great relationships, but almost all of us want emotional intimacy. We might be scared of it. We might push it away. It might get glossed over in the rush for quick sexual (non) fullfillment. But we want it, almost all of us.

I agree with TheLerner that it´s fine to decide to be celibate for now, to concentrate on yourself. Who knows...maybe a period of celibacy is exactly what you need to get yourself to the point where the next relationship you get it will be a good one? And I´m certainly not recommending being in a relationship where you´re not happy in any way just for the sake of the relationship. I read a quote somewhere that it takes a very fine relationship to beat being single. Amen to that. After a long and unhappy marriage with my father, my mom found the first long-term fulfilling relationship of her life when she was in her fifties. She thought it was odd, finding "the one" so late in life, but I think it´s that way for many folks. Sometimes we need to go through lots of life to get to the point of being mature enough to attract and keep the partner that truly makes us happy for the long haul. As a society we glamorize youth. People may be at their sexual peak in their teens or early twentites, but they are not at their relationship peak. For many of us, the relationship peak comes much later -- so give it time. (Which is not to say you can´t marry your high school sweet heart and live happily ever after, cause that happens too.)

I find myself, somewhat surprisingly, in total agreement with Karl here. Nothing wrong with choosing celibacy and the single life. (Not that it´s impossible to be celibate and in an nourishing emotionally close relationship at the same time.) But...I don´t think anybody should choose celibacy out of frustration with their experiences thus-far with dating. Relationships have a lot to recommend them, and people can learn and grow as much through their relationship(s) as with celibacy. Maybe even more so. Yes, lots of people cheat -- of both genders. All relationships have their share of heartbreak, and often cheating or being cheated on is part of that. I don´t wish that particular heartbreak on anyone, but it´s part of the human condition and part of the grist-for-the-mill of life experience that helps us grow. To avoid relationships because of the possibility of getting hurt, through cheating or otherwise, is to miss out on an important aspect of life, imo.

Kiddy pool or no, the New Comer Corner seems to be getting good use. Congratulations to those involved in it´s setup. I have, however, noticed a shark or two trolling the shallow waters.

I like what Spotless says, if I understand correctly, about virtue being more of a frequency than a behavioral prescription. When I´m in a period of more intense practice, I notice how everything about me changes -- particularly how I am with other people. It´s just something that happens as a result of my practice. The practice comes first, and then I start acting differently, seemingly automatically. I don´t think it would work the other way around. There´s no way I could force myself to behave the way I do after practice without having done the work first.

Joeblast, Any chance you´d be open to reviving your PPD? I don´t know if it´s permanently deleted or just temporarily taken down, but I went hunting for it the other day and saw that it was gone. I´m interested in reviewing your practice of using trigrams with the microcosmic orbit. Thanks, Liminal

Thanks for this. You´ve helped me see hanging out in bars in a new light. Guess I´d swallowed the conventional view that hanging out in bars is a shallow thing to do, and you´ve helped me realize that sometimes it´s just the opposite. Cool.

Nobody has ever accused me of paying too much attention to fashion, but I admire people who care about how they look and try to look their best. It´s more than just vanity and sex appeal. It´s a mode of self-expression and creativity. Making the effort to look nice is a way of saying that you care about other people, and want to make them comfortable. It´s about respect. For many people, making the world a more beautiful place start with deciding what to wear in the morning.

Hi Madness23, I know it´s easier said then done, but I´d suggest self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, just letting yourself off the hook. Your sexual and other practices might have had a little (or maybe a lot,who knows?) with your present difficulties, but I´ll bet there are lots of other factors involved. Genetics, for one. And all sorts of other environmental influences, some of which were outside your control. All of us have bodies that are susceptible to various health problems. Some people have a tendency towards heart problems, some towards diabetes, etc. Looks like whatever consitutional weakness your body had put you at risk of bipolar. It sucks, but that´s the human condition. That said, it´s far from hopeless. As Aetherous said, it need not be permanent. I like this quote from Rebbe Nachman of Breslove: If you believe that you can damage, believe that you can fix.

Don´t be so sure. You´d be surprised at the creatures some people are attracted to. I used to wonder what my boyfriend saw in me looks-wise until I asked him to point out other guys he found attractive. Lo and behold they all looked like me.

Yes. I think this is just a natural human ability, and one of the first abilities that start to perk up with many kinds of spiritual practice. During times when I´ve been working hard spiritually, I definitely notice an increased perceptiveness as to what is going for other people. I´m not claiming that I´m ready to be put in a sound proof booth and start guessing what number the guy on the other side of the wall is thinking -- nothing like that, though I don´t doubt that´s possible as well. But what we call telepathy falls along a continuum. At the lower end of the spectrum it´s just cultivating especially sharp interpersonal empathy.

I don´t have personal experiences of bigu to relate, but once attended a lecture by an Indian guy who goes by HRM, and has gone long periods without food. His big thing is sun gazing, and it´s this practice he credits with his ability to go without eating. More info here: http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2009/01/08/feasting-on-sunshine.aspx