Unota

I'm helping redo a wall, and I should've been a demo-man! People get paid for this kind of stuff?! I love destruction!! This is the best thing ever!

Goodnight, y'all. Love you

Goodnight y'all, love youu. I'm logging off to relax for the rest of the day. I'm sleepy.

Why do they keep showing my car accident videos in driver's ed? You're not helping!

What a nightmare!!!! What a nightmare!!!! I went out driving for the first time ever and my nerves are shot. I was told that I did really good, but I don't believe it. You'd have to pry my hands from the steering wheel. People do this every day? Why?! There's so much going on. I have to keep readjusting to the pull of the gravel on the road. I'm being given directions. I have to constantly check for people behind and around me. How are you not having heart attacks all of the time! Unbelievable!

I like it better when my family uses the nickname 'Bear.' I don't know why or when that started.

Because I can never think of usernames, and usually just toss something random in there in place of one not really considering the fact that anyone would ever actually interact with me, I end up with a lot of nicknames. My most recent, unfortunate one, is 'Jug.' From juglone. I threw that one in because it is the name of the pigment I make ink out of. Jug. That is a cowboy name. That sounds like I have a brother named 'Cricket,' or something.

Jug. *pinches the bridge of my nose* 'Goodnight, Jug.' Well, goodnight to you too. I didn't think that through. I didn't think anyone would actually talk to me. Now I'm Jug.

I'm so sleepy lately. I've been staying up too late studying. I keep snoozing on my feet. zzzzzzzzzz

Ooooh how fun!! My golden berry seeds are here. The germination rate test date was 22, so...They are unlikely to be very viable. BUT. The gardener threw in a lot of free purple Rutabaga seeds, as recent as the end of last season. I didn't expect to be growing Rutabagas this year! I'll save those for July. I can sow them before I leave for the Smoky Mountains. Lets get these ground cherries planted.

Here, have a painting of my garden that I just finished. It's my second attempt at painting! I usually use bits of charcoal from my woodstove, or do pencil sketches. But someone gave me some paints to play with as a gift. (My first painting was a gift to the person that gave them to me.)

I also drew a potter wasp. Making all sorts of stuff today.

Ever since I started journaling, I like to draw things that make me happy. Like, the tree I like to climb and read books in.

Or...A squirrel?

I'm not used to having color. It was hard to mix them, but I think I did a good job on the sky and trees in the background, at least.

I need to go back at some point and clean up that back pain thread. The world (and I) needs to know!

Ahhh!! I'm so proud of my mom! She has NO fun. She has no hobbies really. She enjoys writing, but she won't ever DO it because she writes thinking that she is supposed to finish something, to show to other people, and she thinks it's not good enough to do that. It doesn't MATTER. If you enjoy something you should do it. You don't ever have to show it to anyone. I don't play guitar to get good at it. I play it because I like to play it. The idea that you are supposed to be creating something, creating a product, has ruined people's ideas of fun! But after trying to drill this into her head, she's finally got it. She says she's going to write because she WANTS to. And I am yelling 'YEAH!' cheering her on like a cheerleader. She is almost fifty! She is almost fifty and she didn't know how to do anything for the sake of fun!  But she's going to now. I'm so proud of her! Yeah!!!!

There should be a 'side-eye' reaction for posts. For when I don't have anything to say, but want people to know that I am sitting there eating popcorn.

Thank you, for being so nice to me here.

Oh...Never make the mistake of recovering old accounts. I have never been more heartbroken.

I've noticed that the most mundane and colorless flowers tend to smell sweeter than any others. I still remember the smell of a single bush of sweet autumn clematis that sprung up this autumn. It's invasive here, but I didn't have the heart to pull it up. My garden was gone, everything was dying and soon to be dead. It was getting cold. But that clematis sprung up, with all of it's fragile white little flowers, you could smell it from a mile away, and it was sweet enough to give you a cavity. There was something sad about it. When I would pick some, to take the smell with me, it would fade almost instantly. How could I tear it up?

It's kind of funny to think about, but when I was little, my grandfather would take lots of trips around the world, (He married a woman from the Philippines, that he met on one of his trips.) but they were mostly to China, and he had all sorts of interesting knick knacks he brought back that I was fascinated by. He got angry when I'd touch them. I now recognize that the vintage chest he kept in his drawer with the little glass balls inside were qigong meditation balls. He would get mad when I touched any of his things, because, I think I remember him telling me they were very old antiques. I am now certain that he was a daoist. It did not stop him from being a very cruel person. He beat children, and he had a lot of money, that he quite literally died before he would ever use to help his family. All of these knick knacks are long gone, probably sold in an estate sale when he died. He died a 'suspicious' death, his spine broke in a way that could have only been done externally, or through some terrible accident, but there was nothing around to have caused it. I never really heard about if it was investigated or not, the police didn't seem to care. Well..There you go! some fun lore for you today.

Someone gifted me paint markers, so my pocket book got a bit of a makeover. It's always nice to add some color!

YEAH bayBEE!! I BROKE MY PERSONAL PLANK RECORD by a LONG SHOT! PSHAAAAA! LET'S GOOO! LET'S GOOO! LET'S GOOOO!

I mean...Whatever a normal person would say. *cough*

Did you know royalty used to use narwhal's horns to 'detect' poison? They thought their horns were magical horns from unicorns, and could detect poison with magic. During the Dutch tulip mania, some thought throwing ash on the tulips would trigger them to break through some sort of alchemical process, before knowing that it was triggered by a virus.

I have vision changes when I meditate, but I can not say that this is not connected to my tendency towards visual auras as I am prone to migraines. I have experienced something similar sometimes when I wake up from a deep sleep, as if that part of my brain has yet to switch back on. The thought alone that the same is happening when I meditate, awake, is fascinating enough.

I know that I can control my body heat circulation during qigong, but the only thing that truly means is increased activity or some sort. Maybe it is just my circulation. That is still fascinating to me.

I also don't think that any sort of spiritual practice could ever be only a 'placebo' effect, no more than physical exercise could be. Everything you do, or lack thereof, has an impact. If you kick a rock, it moves. If you don't, it doesn't. Breathing techniques have greatly improved my lung function. Slow, deliberate movements, while controlling breathing, and stilling the mind to focus on this, imagine how many muscles and micro-muscles that you generally do not use, are being exercised when you do this.

I am so active now, that I worry about things like athlete's injuries. I have a better outlook on life, too, being able to separate myself from modern western ideologies that are built up around supporting a mechanical system that is built off the backs of others, rather than the individual.

I wanted to learn how to live, and to love life, and what better way to do that, than to be curious about, to connect with practices that people have done for thousands of years? If only to understand what has kept us going.

Getting off of my private soap box in my activity feed now. Byeeee~

Do you think I should try to grow golden berry this year? No promises on if they'll sprout. Uncommon seeds like this, I usually have to buy from other individual gardeners. Maybe I should get two packets just in case. Hm

I can't believe that years ago, I was so poor that I couldn't afford food. And then, I was so sick that I couldn't get out of bed. Before all of that, as a kid, my house burned down. I have lost everything, over and over and over again. I've always felt like bad things follow me wherever I go. Now, I don't have to worry about money as much anymore. I am going to the Smokies. I don't think I have ever been this fortunate in my entire life. I wonder if it will hurt even more, when this is gone.

I am so excited!! I am planning a trip to the Smoky Mountains this summer! I have never seen terrain that is even particularly hilly. Only flat plains. I am also afraid of heights! And towering structures give me the heebie jeebies. So I am at least 99.9% sure that I will pass out.

(Do you think it's common to be unnerved by terrain you're not used to? I've had friends that have said the pictures I send them of my own home makes them sick.)

It is an eight hour drive from here with little traffic, but I have been to Nashville before to play at a concert, and that was about twelve hours on a charter bus, so...I kind of doubt it?

I will make sure to take lots of pictures. Once in a lifetime trip. It's booked! It's booked! I'm going. I will probably just stay put lounging about in the woods, and go hiking. Which...Is what I do at home. But this time, with more mountains!

Good night I love youu

Today!! Has been!! Awful!!! -33 windchill! I was fighting to keep a fire going all day! My house has been in the 50s. I am tired. I am exhausted! I go out to get firewood, and I come inside and it is still cold. There is no place to warm myself. My core temperature is far lower than normal. It is forecast to be like this for the rest of the week! Every moment of my day is spent trying to keep the fire going. It feels like I am in an apocalypse movie. What a nightmare!!!