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About Tryingtodobetter

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  1. What is the best way to deal with persisting feelings of unreality? Ever since i undertook an extended period of meditation years ago i have dealt with these feelings and perception, though it is only in recent time that i have realized just how long i have been experiencing this. Im arriving on the other side of a tumultuous period where i was in and out of psychosis for the better part of the last 3 or 4 years, and in assessing what transpired during that time from a clearer perspective im finding that i have experienced profound feelings of unreality or derealization for almost a decade- every since i had begun serious meditation. Now i know that a lot of this has to do with the illusory and malleable nature of reality itself, though i think its led me to some dark places in the past and is a large part of what is hindering me in certain arenas of life. Ive been trying to accept that i cant return to the way things were, the way things were before i started meditating and focusing on what is commonly held as the spiritual side of things- although im now of the opinion that that boundary between the mundane and spiritual life is nonexistent. In doing that ive been considering just giving myself to meditation completely because i dont see a way out of this at times unsettling perception, even though i am still unable to fully handle it with grace. What can i do to deal with this? I used to fetishize and consider the perception and some of its effects as special, as a kundalini something. I think part of it was a coping mechanism because my perception had suddenly shifted so drastically from what it was. I wish i had never ventured into the realm of meditative practice and just got on with my life in the best way i knew how at the time. It feels unneccessary and i havent found a use or application for many of the realizations ive arrived at since that time. I think the promise of peace and purity is what caused me to pursue meditation so seriously, a sort of escapist way of dealing with my problems at the time. I dont think i am the only one dealing with something like this Does it ever make you sad? It makes me feel sad and alienated from people i love and am close to, as if im living in a different realm- not even in a pretentious or arrogant way, in a way where i desperately want to go back and find myself unable to. I guess thats a big part of why im asking this question in the first place
  2. Hospice

    What location can i go to that is of some semblance to hospice? I no longer see any worth in my own existence or any promise of potential. I dont wish to commit suicide at the moment as my last attempt ultimately failed and complicated matters further. I had an on and off semi-functional psychosis spanning the last several years. In the past couple months i have just begun to step outside of it and it feels as though my entire world was violently ripped from my being. People, places and things are now gone or at such a distance as to be intangible. The very way i thought and interfaced with the world vanished almost overnight. I have never felt this empty or alone in my entire life. I masturbated for the first time in about a year and feel slightly suicidal for doing so. I no longer have any aspirations or goals. I fear getting a job because the way my perception is now i wouldnt be able to hold onto employment for long. Meditation is a causative factor of what initially spurred on my psychotic episode spanning years. Yet i contemplate returning to it as a sort of self flagellation. I do not want to be alive anymore. I would like to retire early and permanently. I would like to retire now. I hold nothing against the world, i just no longer want to be here in any way. I have given up. I wish you well
  3. Sleep

    I would like to hear your thoughts on the matter
  4. Sleep

    For some reason I have been unable to sleep through a night for a while now. Each night I wake up around two o'clock in the morning tossing and turning, and usually covered in sweat. Then I eventually fall asleep again, sometimes it takes a while. Each morning I am unusually drowsy and have a hard time getting out of bed. What can I do so that I can sleep through an entire night? Why do I keep waking up in the middle of the night?
  5. Help.

    I am experiencing, constrictions in my foot occassionally and electrical shocks on the left side of my body. I reported the foot problem a while ago, and walking a distance has helped although i feel I'm walking in a lot of pain. The electrical body and hand shocks have not subsided with exercise or meditation. Around my ear area too. Are there any methods i can employ to remedy the aforementioned? Also I'm having problems concentrating or feeling motivated to do much of anything. I could not attach an image though the veins in my left foot on the top are swollen. Also veins in my forearm appearing blue after what looked like a bug bite near my elbow. There was a presence in my room peeling tape off of the wall one night and i didn't think to film it because i was disoriented. Also items were knocked over in the morning a few days afterwards.
  6. For years since I first attempted having a relationship, I feel as though I've been under spiritual attack. From strange sensations around some of my energetic centers, to feeling as though I am being electrocuted, to feeling strange phantom touches on my hands, to items around the house going missing and reappearing, to household items having gone missing entirely, to my car moving where it was parked during the middle of the night when my key went missing. Most of note a pain that I feel in my left foot that I have already made a detailed post about that was met with much mockery and derision, possibly unintentionally. My stomach makes strange cooing amd deflating noises, as do the stomachs of some of the people I live with. At times a strange gurgling and rapid deflating sensation as though something were moving around or getting sucked out of it. It almost seems sentient. There is a strange intense burning sensation there when I have spoken to certain individuals on the phone and when I have been around them in public. I thought it might be diabetes, though doctors said my blood sugar was fine and I am a little sceptical of a group of adults suddenly developing diabetes around the same time. Several years ago my main gmail account went missing and all of its secondary accounts, as well as other social media site accounts it was attached to. I had a number of things saved to it and logged into a number of online sites, a number of which seemed to change shortly after I lost access to the email account being addressed. I feel as though I am under spiritual and/or technological attack at times and I am at a loss of who to seek for counsel. Through patterns I have noticed on the internet it seems like someone or a small group of people is attempting to accuse me of practicing magic or something of the sort, though if that were true I would have defended myself and taken action against them already. Also things like fraudulent activity on my bank account a few years ago in another state when I was speaking with the second woman, and while I am not accusing her of anything- my life seemed to slowly destabilize once I began communicating with her. One of the things I used to do to take my mind off of the overwhelming fear and paranoia was to play guitar. One day when I was on a creative streak I tried turning on my amp and it made harsh squealing noises, as if a person with money was beaming something into my room to scramble my digital amplifier. There is more. I would appreciate any and all advice, please and thank you
  7. Several years ago when I was in a relationship with a woman who claimed to be from puerto rico and I was experienced strange bodily sensations I went to this forum to seek counsel. After messaging him for help forum member named spotless told me that I had "a white mist floating in front of my stomach" and when I asked him to specify he said "Well, I thought you knew what that meant. Gotta go, see ya!" Now, a few years ago I found myself having strange bodily phenomena and a spiritual/energetic crises of some sort when I began a relationship with another woman, although her words and actions caused me to question the validity and authenticity of the relationship. I once again consulted spotless for advice, this time he told me to ask jeff. There has been a number of times I have encountered the name jeff in recent time. From seeking help from an acupuncturist named jeffery, which after the treatment I've found that my circulation is not what it was and I am unable to exercise with any regularity. Blood pools in my hands when I take relatively short walks about town, and I have veins showing in my right forearm constantly. Lost of memes with the name Jeffrey aswell, "my namea jeff". I received a dress shirt with the name geofferey bean on the tag. There is more. Also during the latest crises I asked another member for advice and he told me to try focusing on complex objects such as orange cross-sections, leaf veins and mountains. My entire conversation with the aforementioned member and spotless is missing from my inbox on this website. *On a possibly unrelated tangent. Why did the creator of lone man pai change the slogan of his practices to "blood and honey"? I have seen a pattern of bear imagery over the last few years, even on trips to places. Some of the bear and bee imagery seems self-referential and it doesn't feel good*
  8. Self-Realisation: A Jungian Perspective

    Where did this preoccupation with the writings of carl jung arise from? I've known a number of new yorkers who seem to favor his teachings.
  9. Why did this forum change it's name from the Tao bums?
  10. How do I get rid of these sensations?

    Would you use those colorful negative attributes to describe the ongoing sensations and shocks in my legs that respond to my thoughts, that have yet to slow down at all despite attempting different methods? Would you use it to describe waking up feeling like I had been sodomized in my sleep by something electrical, and then for a few weeks having large pulsing electrical shocks in that region feeling like someone or something was messing with me? Would you use it to describe all of the obtuse things that were said to me at the mental hospital? Would you use it to describe how my last gmail account was deleted and all of the captchas had "piss" in them which is odd for a company like google to do? Would you use it to describe how a guy at the mental hospital was yelling right in front of me about a hacker named "pee" something? Would you use it describe waking up in that hospital and feeling like I had been stuck with a needle and my current roommate walking over to me and whispering "sorry" and then walking out into the dayroom? Would you use it to describe the pointed algorithm I saw on my youtube and facebook account? Where certain numbered and phrased posts, regardless of content/source, would be the first result and if I pressed "most recent" then suddenly my paranoid ideation/OCD disappeared? Would you use it to describe how i kept getting local ads from the city that woman was from despite me changing my location several times? Would you use it to describe how I tried to commit suicide in a hotel room due to various perceived stimuli, and when I woke up from me failed attempt there was a pill or painkiller on my thigh that I didnt put there and the door to the hotel room was locked and chained? Would you use it describe all of the various synchronicity and/or "synchronicity" I've experienced? It wasnt a rant, despite what you or the pulses in my legs and shocks say. It was a plea for help because I thought that someone might be able to help or just understand. I dont even know your motive behind posting in this thread or even who you really are, the same i could say of the forum member "everything" and probably others, I dont know- some members have said unusually synchronistic things. It's not some joke or "just trying to make someone feel bad", I haven't been getting any answers so far from here or elsewhere so like I said im going to kill myself at the first opportunity.
  11. How do I get rid of these sensations?

    Like I said. Your posts show a lot about your character, your opening is the summation of your responses As if I hadn't already sought and applied the methods you suggested already. As if the main person on this thread behaving from a place of total immaturity isn't you
  12. How do I get rid of these sensations?

    You're either pretending, or you're not a very discerning person You're either pretending, or have little working knowledge of the pervasive systems of orchestrated struggle and artificial scarcity You're either pretending, or you genuinely believe a teenager(child) found her way to being the mouthpiece for a powerful environmental party/organization by sheer will and capability alone, and not because she was essentially "manufactured" for lack of a better term There aren't "too many people" in the world. When I choose to help people, it's not for simply for the sake of a chemical release or whatever. Sometimes suicide is not from a place of sadness, depression, etc- sometimes suicide is a very logical solution to ones situation. As I said before, I'm not sure if you're pretending or not at this point. I guess I would ask the same about a few other people responding on this post, especially when looking into their responses and even my own I wonder how many of the responses to this post were mostly projection if not entirely
  13. How do I get rid of these sensations?

    It was for attention in that I thought someone here would be able to help me. It's not a temper tantrum and it's not childish. Ever since that night with the owls hooting I've had very palpable sensations in my legs and occasionally my body that respond to my thoughts. Left side for wrong or right side for right, I dont know the logic behind it with certainty- that seems to be it. It feels like something writhing under my skin akin to a light scrape with a finger nail and when it's not that it's like a low voltage shock or a deep pinch. I would dismiss it as a nutritional deficiency or a delusion, if it didnt persist throughout every day for well over a year and seem to have some sentience. I would meditate properly if it wasnt persisting during every waking moment for the last fucking year. How am I supposed to meditate for any given length of time, when I sit down and someone or something is zapping my legs the whole time. It is happening while I'm awake 24/7. It is constantly happening. None of you are even addressing that, the reality of it. How is someone supposed to do much of anything when this is a constant? It's not some occasional thing or a waning emotion, it is happening constantly. How the fuck am I not supposed to be suicidal, when nothing that anyone has recommended had worked thus far, and those replying with condescending bullshit about my attitude towards the situation when they dont have someone or something shocking their fucking legs and occasionally their body every fucking second of the day when they're awake. Its constantly happening to me. It's not a troll it's not some teenage bullshit. I dont know if its supernatural harrassment or man made technology. Like I said, none of you deal with this. None of you deal with this. And next to none have responded to any of the more unexplainable nuances of my post. Like how when I attempted suicide and when I went to the hospital to get the wound treated they put in a medical honey as the nurse called it and when I have certain "paranoid" thoughts about certain situations/groups-people it sends a deep shock- just in the spot where she put it. Thank you for showing me how compassionate and understanding most of you Really are. I dont think I'm "unique" or whatever other aggrandized attributes you want to project. I'm not blackmailing anyone. I've already attempted suicide before, and like I said I'll choose a more sound method this time whenever an opportunity presents itself.
  14. How do I get rid of these sensations?

    I'm going to kill myself. I'm sure someone who was being shocked and messed with all the time by someone or something would have no problem killing themselves, because what is the point of even being alive with that happening?! What is the point of living when every thing I even think about doing or even enjoying I get a response in my legs that pulses or shocks me depending on the thought? Volunteering is going to stop the pains in my legs that respond to my thoughts? How, how is that going to help Meditation is going to stop the pains in my legs that respond to my thoughts when they're constantly happening how could i possibly meditate properly? Is someone going to recommend a meditation involving imagining myself with butter melting on me?! Is someone going to recommend jesus or Catholicism?! Or some abrahamic or toaist whatever?! Is someone going to recommend qigong?! Is someone going to recommend gardening?! Is someone going to share some photo involving imagery counterintuitive to the plight ice outlined in detail?! Is someone going to recommend "the upanishads"?! Is someone going to recommend something that doesnt help?! Who knows right What is this forum even Suicide is a good answer to this problem. It's not childish. I doubt any of you experience what I do. You want to help me? Just give me something to kill myself with
  15. How do I get rid of these sensations?

    Also, I would appreciate if you could specify what part of my reaction to the symptom I outlined in this post that I experience at nearly all times during waking hours is childish, for clarity