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About Tryingtodobetter

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  1. I'm unsure as to how a number of the events I've disclosed, and many that I haven't, can be solely attributed to low self-esteem?
  2. After removing myself from certain social situations and relationships, I have gained a lot of clarity and undisturbed reflective space. I'm gaining positive momentum in arenas of life I value and I have been experiencing a lot of joy, though there are still hiccups of persisting memories that I am having a difficult time processing An undercurrent of the tumultuous period I had that involved an attempted suicide, was the largely unshared delusion that i was being followed or as it's coming to be referred to "gangstalking" I have had numerous experiences where I would have interactions with people in public where they are repeating my current thoughts tangents or even the exact thought verbatim, and more unnerving speaking on very specific things I have disclosed in private calls and posts/messages on the internet. People of various backgrounds and ages at various public settings. Even remembering past conversations with old friends it seems like there is some sort of overarching narrative that something is attempting to impose on my life Sometimes it felt as though I was in a dream of sorts and those around me were regurgitating bits of information I had consumed/shared, at the time believing my surroundings to be a mental projection of sorts Most synchronistic occurrences I was able to easily dismiss, though there were key events that I could not produce a reasonable explanation for Things like noticing people from my neighborhood visiting the same places in public that I was, even fairly niche ones- at the same time and almost every time, people entering and leaving stores in almost perfect timing with me and giving me unusual glares, people regurgitating specific conversational bits from others as if copy and paste- specific repeating motifs, my bedroom windows constantly popping and only when I am in my room- the wood at the seals is very warped now, items going missing from our home- lights on the porch being turned on when noone remembered turning them on, people on social media accounts saying very synchronistic and lancing things as well as images(I promise both mediums were very exacting), my parents making specific patterns with things in ways they hadn't prior to this experience, one day waking up seeing the kind of geometric patterns I've heard one sees when on psychedelics- though I wasnt even meditating at the time, certain websites seeming hacked or rather curated to my experience with references from my collected data to isolate me in some way, my google account that contained a lot of my writings, photos and saved posts from the internet being suddenly deleted and every attempt I made to pass a captcha to log in before that was greeted with a captcha containing the word "piss" repeatedly which seemed very strange ***edit- I have also gotten youtube recommendations from very kinda rare songs I had on playlists that got deleted from my old google account, and had songs recommended to me that referenced things I was talking about on the phone simultaneously(at times I scrolled through the youtube app because I wanted to see if their were new videos from people I subscribed to Most namely, I awoke in the middle of the night one day to owls hooting loudly from the roof of a house across the street and the water faucet running for seemingly no reason. I also felt a strange pulse in my extremities, almost electrical and occasionally painful- like a spasm, sometimes a shock. I still have felt the presence of this tight pulse and shocks, particularly in my legs for about a year now. The pulse seems to respond to specific thoughts and emotions, mostly affirming or negating an idea- alternating sides of the body for positive or negative. I tried to dismiss this as the onset of diabetes or a spiritual attachment, the latter of which I couldnt be sure Also, during an episode that I'd rather not detail as its difficult to articulate, I ended up going into inpatient in a mental health clinic after a talk with my mother that seemed scripted- what initiated it was a call from a neighbor we never talk to(none of them speak to us save the one next door). The car I rode in was led by and followed by those of neighbors in close proximity. At a point during my processing I was given an unidentified medication which put me into a sedated state where my heart was in immense pain and I felt as though I were dying, when the nurses checked on me they gave these frightened expressions to something behind the chair I was in and I heard people talking behind me and about me. When I finally came to, no one was behind me, there was a wall with shelves. I was eventually granted a bed at a local hospital, where it seemed that there was some sort of psychological conditioning at play- a lot happened- upon entering a guy sat down next to me and said "the people who run this have a lot of money" while looking forward and making no eye contact or hinting he was speaking to me- also a guy in there was going on about a hacker named "pee" or "piss" something which seemed to reference my deleted google data that was important to me- lastly I awoke one morning and felt a sharp needle like pain in my arm(I've had a shot before) and as I was inspecting my arm the other person in my room walked over and whispered "sorry" in a hushed tone. A lot of strange things happened at that "hospital" I could provide numerous more instances and in detail if it would help I would like to know how to best end my delusion of being stalked and/or observed Thank you
  3. Does the soul know the difference?

    I think you're viewing the past and present with a kinda myopic scope- maybe the lenses of youth and the popular culture of that time distorted your view of just how good And bad things were in the past compared to the present I think humanity has dealt with relatively the same set of problems in cycles, yknow that quote from the bible that says something to the effect of "there's nothing new under the sun", and life and death itself It wasnt my view that things are getting better, just that it's not as polarized as you're making it out to be, in my opinion. I was saying that humanity itself is still relatively unchanged, just the control or indoctrination or influence of modern society is different and more all-encompassing I had a thought today. I noticed that a number of friendships I've had in the past have ended on an "apocalyptic" note. Friends who were so convinced that we were in the end times and/or that there was some great event of upheaval afoot. I simply disagreed with them in light terms and it made them froth at the mouth kinda. I wasnt even negating the existence of the "negative/unfavorable" parts of modern life that they were talking about, I just said how things weren't so polarized and that it wasnt the end of the world. In every instance there was no grand finale, they simply held to their belief and stopped contacting me- only for me to see them years/months later and none of their "truth" or "prophecy" had come to pass My take is kinda airy and lacking polarity. I think things are mostly Okay People tend to view the world surrounding them as they view themselves, not literally all of the time- though I've noticed when someone is "going through it" they tend to lash out at others/the world at large more than usual Idk about optimism or blind optimism. I struggle with accepting and/or understanding certain people, places, things and phenomena, same as most people- I just make sure to do the things that bring me joy and I avoid tv/news stories/negativity
  4. Does the soul know the difference?

    I think that's a fairly presential view of america, things have never really been Good wholesale. I'm pretty sure the entire trajectory of america and other societies in the west have been engineered and balanced, in an almost scientific way. Your response is almost dissonant in a way, because you close with an observation about how relatively integral facets of this society are manufactured/illusory In regards to the post you were replying to, I dont think humanity has grown too large or that overpopulation is anything more than illusion. I think it's just artificial systems of orchestrated conflict and scarcity Idk, I feel like both responses fail to acknowledge the general goodness of human nature and how what's often being presented in polarized portrayals in the media is a result of heavy conditioning
  5. What happens to suicides?

    I think a written text possesses an energy and its words coursing an intention You were being condescending addressing a sensitive topic, in my opinion, that is dated by three months. Your use of punctuation was just an accent, not a standalone signifier I think the hue of your initial and latest responses have a humor about them when contrasted with the personality of conflict that I addressed within my reply
  6. What happens to suicides?

    I made this post 3 months ago, I'm in a different place now mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The feelings and phenomena I was experiencing was largely the result of allowing someone who was very material oriented to get close to me internally/physically. They made it known constantly how "I contributed nothing to the world, my family and friends, and the collective at large", amongst numerous other shallow personal metrics/stigmas. They saw no value in me beyond sensory and financial(social/material) utility, though they would occasionally verbally state the opposite in an attempt to "reassure" me of how much they valued me. People only use ellipses for two reasons- to condescend or to evade.
  7. Mixing systems

    No, that is not what I said or implied Sorry if I offended you Hope you enjoy the rest of your day
  8. Mixing systems

    That's believable. It's not that I dont believe they exist altogether, I just think it's fairly uncommon. Spotless is cool, I know he isn't a teacher though- so whoever that guy is, merit
  9. Mixing systems

    I wasnt talking about him healing ghosts, I knew about that. I was referring to an excerpt I read where he speaks of having to constantly cleanse the areas he was occupying/residing in and himself of low level spirits, that he deemed to be nuisances. It's probably still available somewhere on popular search engines Drosses as in, for example- the harmony that an accountant reaches on an extended vacation from work where their negative behaviors/thought-loops begin to loosen, only to begin returning once they are back in the office and reimmersed. Or the place inner/outer that a meditator reaches on a two week retreat on an island, versus the quality of that inner space once they've returned to their lifestyles. Sorry if I was too vague I dont know why you feel as though I'm attacking your credentials/experience or that of the spring forest qigong organization as a whole. As I stated previously, I dont think what I saw had to do with a fault in his practice
  10. Mixing systems

    I dont believe that the greatest teachers live in major american cities, maybe some of the greatest modern teachers as far as teaching is concerned and disregarding their overall purity "Some aren't even known outside of the rural area." That was part of my point
  11. Mixing systems

    I can see why that would be funny to someone I just dont think it's worth the effort of decades of practice of one can be so perturbed by a casual happening. It wasnt the cough of a common cold or similar. I have an idea as to why that might've been. He has talked of spending a lot of time in seclusion and even a period in a cave, a period he alludes to being his peak. I think that his reintegration into society at large lead him to regathering the drosses of particular social quirks and neuroses. He also spoke of him needing to constantly exorcise spirits from his aura/being when he began living in society again, as he was constantly beset by unfavorable energies/entities. Similar happens to even those who do not cultivate or practice anything involving the purification of their energies/minds. I dont think it's something that can be avoided by a cultivator residing in the western sphere, or anywhere really seeing as how the entire world is being slowly westernized, for lack of a better term. The only true option seems to be relatively remote isolation for that sort of thing, and I dont care that much to pursue that path in this moment Thank you, Ocean Form
  12. What happens to suicides?

    Yes, though probably not to the greater or lesser extents intended by those who shared their thoughts/advices The main takeaway was guilt. Reading personal stories from people on this site as well as those from day to day life and my own personal 1st/2nd hand experiences. I felt a guilt that I was depriving those connected with my experience of something I couldnt quite quantify, and I also felt a guilt from not achieving my primary goal which was to contribute something positive and/or constructive to the greater collective- which is kind of a funny goal when you dig deep enough into the sentiment Ultimately it took action from me on the mental/physical plane to begin to create a decisive shift. I have no doubts that rereading posts from this thread and other more constructive material, making steady changes to my overall mental diet, contributed to helping turn the tide. I had to take Action I dont think I'm out of the woods quite yet as far as revamping my life, because im still encountering echoes of that dark period in day to day interactions due to my increasing energy level/'expanding' awareness now that I've began to practice once more It is somewhat difficult to relive that period now that the post has been bumped and I've read through it again, being in a better place though carrying subtle hues of the former- life is like that I think. I hope that this thread can serve someone else in a therapeutic way
  13. What happens to suicides?

    I've already begun creating my new life. I appreciate your input, though it is belated
  14. What happens to suicides?

    I'm sure that's true to an extent, though this latest episode was simply me ignoring my intuition and what the world was telling me to the point of paralysis/self-destruction. There was little to no working through accumulated neuroses or ingrained behaviors, rather I was wilfully reconstructing and creating new ones of the same hue that I had for the most part transcended/made peace with. I am creating a new life Thank you
  15. What happens to suicides?

    Thank you I have since returned to my former practice/lifestyle and separated myself from negative(damaging) influences