silent thunder

distill

he's a trainwreck of epic proportions she's mired in corruption and the endless greedy pockets that feed it. This is the result of decades of 'choosing the lesser evil' it would seem.

I see slaves... everywhere arguing over which master they should serve.

willful, projective ignorance to me, seems the ugliest form of that element...

returning

life

*deep bow* thanks mate... talk about synchronicity...

effortless flow

I would like to start a journal.

What a sad way to spend your mind energy mate...

A couple years ago, out of a deep need to consciously acknowledge and actively foster the sources of gratitude in my life, I founded a new habit. The three years previous, had been a systematic barrage of some of the harshest, most heart-straining, painful and sad experiences of my life and I was floundering much of the time. I needed a way to foster the inertia of gratitude in the flow and not as some intellectual, ephemeral idea, but as a practical, tangible energetic connection... one beyond my practices of qi gong and stillness, that I could access easily and use anytime. It took root when I saw someone do something beautiful, just like any other day, but instead of simply smiling and moving on... I reached out to them and acknowledged how much it meant to me, to witness this act of love. I wanted them to know how much this simple example of wisdom had impacted another who was suffering and to know they were appreciated for it. There is an energetic loop in this acknowledgement that has become a self sustaining process far more potent than I imagined when I started. The jar is the home version of this... and I love it because we can go back and reread these old moments, it's especially helpful when the shit hits the fan. It's incredibly potent. Any longer, it's not just people, I'm talking to everything from shrubbery, trees and breezes, to trashcans and garbage trucks these days. It's everywhere and this simple process of spending just a bit of my energy to acknowledge it, is fostering an inertia that I did not expect. Obviously the gratitude jar is an old idea, but in my home it is a physical manifestation of this amazing experience for me. Our gratitude jar is a big mason bugger that sits on our kitchen bar, with a stack of paper and a pen next to it. We walk past it all day long and see it constantly. Whenever we are struck by love, appreciation, or gratitude, we jot it down and drop it in... Once in a while, we will reach in and pull a couple out, or dump them out and read them. When the jar is full, the bits go into a box that I'll be saving and passing down to my son when I'm gone. This jar has become an energetic garden in our home, a vibrant manifestation of gratitude. Just the sight of it peripherally can bring sympathetic vibration and a shift in awareness, so I figured I'd start a digital one here.

We are all a direct extension of the origins of co-creational 'realtiy'... we will change and shift and flow...

that made me snort! thank you!

it is beastly...

I was a bartender in the West Village NYC back in the 90's. One of my regular customers carried a wisdom and simplicity that imbued in him, even when I was talking to him in person, not just memory, as something other-worldly. He seemed and appeared human, but his energy, his manner and bearing, the tone of his voice, the words chosen and the timing of his words, stories and ideas.. they always seemed to drop into me like large stones in a small pond and his presence always brought out in me another level of awareness, no matter what drinks I was pouring, or what our conversation. He had a way of bringing depth to a simple gesture. Earl the Pearl is the name he gave me. He was an elderly man then, in his 80's deep dark ebony skin and eyes that veritably shown with vivacious energy and mischievous charm. He sat down at my bar with a big sigh and asked for a glass of water. I brought it to him and when I sat it before him, he pointed to it and asked me "what is that?" I didn't just blurt out the obvious answer, because as I said, he had the presence that immediately drew me to into presence and into another level of depth to the simplest of interactions... and so I thought for a moment and said simply "that is Life." His entire being lit up and he laughed, throwing up his arms! He beamed a mostly toothless smile to me and became my instant friend and mentor. He shared with me how he worked the streets for tips, but was not homeless. Nor did he beg, he shared stories with folks and they tipped him in return. He had a small apartment not far from my bar. He used to teach Ancient History at a University, but woke up one day and walked away from that sleeping life and into the life he continued to lead when I met him, years later. He would routinely come to the bar during my slow afternoon shifts and I'd share whatever I was tripping on at the time... and he would drop these little tests and koans, puzzles and incredibly odd statements, always after getting me off my guard, (after a time, I tried to always be ready for him), that would inevitably wake me up again like stones dropped into my awareness... That man, and those conversations had as much impact on me, as my college degrees. So to you Earl the Pearl. Gratitude. And... i've got a few more choice jokes for you when we next meet.

It's been reinforced so potently of late, with so many I love passing over... will be attending my third funeral of the year, next Friday and each time I come together with others, in memory and love of another, this point is driven home, which has become one of the driving forces behind my intention to reach out more and establish meaningful connections everywhere in life. Grief decreases when we share it... and Love increases. Share it, be open. Express it. Don't just think it and move on, react, acknowledge, engage... connect. Be. Breathe it. So many times, the simplest thing said by a passing stranger has been just what I needed to hear... has felt like a life saver in a storm...

That blender is impressively powerful, there is no hint of graininess in the smooties... ever. It is basically like a production router that we use to cut templates out of wood. Three horse power motor. It veritably micronizes the food, which really aids in severely ill patients as the food when it reaches the intestines is so thoroughly broken down the body needs do very little, just absorb it. The texture is diaphanous, like velvet. http://willitblend.com/ series on things that this blender will pulverize... lol. I am waiting for the day my son puts this website together with the unit that sits on our countertop... that will be fun edit: to fix link edit to add: "hey!... has anyone seen my shoes?" ... sound of blender... son giggling fiercely

tears of joy.

I'm sitting at my dining room table, which borders our living room. It's got a long bench seat on one side that I'm sitting at the end of and next to me, my little gal Maya is curled up and softly purring. My son and his closest friend Georg (whose family comes from Macedonia) are rolling around on two giant yoga balls in the room next to me, crashing into each other and laughing hysterically when they manage to knock each other over... In my mind's eye, I see my wife, seated in the chair as she gets her hair trimmed. Knowing she's having another amazing conversation with the friend who does her hair. Is there anything more beautiful, than a simple, 'ordinary' moment? and then raucous laughter by me, interrupts the boys as I think... 'hahaha ordinary! what a notion!... lolz... ordinary...

We store so many memories in our bodies. I recall how this was demonstrated in a year of intense study in body work back during my acting lifetime, that brought deep memories and past experiences to the surface for many of the participants. We would spend hours playing Cat Yoga, over and over until we were exhausted physically. Then we would rehearse. The intention was to strip away all of our usual personal physical tendencies, in order to clear the palette and be able to more readily access a new language of physicality for the character you were bringing to life. In the process, we also engaged in deep tissue massage, eye gazing and rhythmic, cyclical partner and solo breathing. We were all deeply affected by the process, but on several occasions, and one in particular, we all were stunned when one of our number, suddenly recalled years of severe, childhood abuse in our presence. There were eight of us who worked together for thousands of hours that year and when she broke down, we all spontaneously went to her and laid our hands on her as she lay on the floor weeping. We all held her and held space for her as the wave passed. I recall it like it was this morning... And it was as painful as it was beautiful and inspiring. The way we all came together around her as one. The way the memory and the emotion opened in her like a great weeping flower, which was then nourished in the presence of all of us, who loved each other and knew each other so well... It pointed out viscerally, just how deeply we carry the resonance and blockages of memories and emotional waves into the vibration of our very muscular essence. edit: spelling

This is something that has resonated in me for as long as I have been aware. One of my earliest memories is not of waking life, but of a dream, which transitioned to an out of body experience as a child of 3-4. The dreamscape and that level of consciousness has always been a dominant force in my life experience, a constant living presence with an ability to impact my entire awareness just as intensely as the physical. My earliest memories of life are equally weighted be it waking or dreaming. Neither seems particularly more real, when immersed within them and in memory, each level of consciousness has demonstrated an equal impact on my ability to learn about myself through experience and to carry truth, benefit and merit, as well as sorrow and loss. So in that manner, each has an equal value to me as valid experience and always has, although the characteristics of awareness within each may vary. I become lucid in my dreams nightly and have learned so many truths about myself in those realms, just as I do in my waking life. In fact, I recall many of my experiences in the dreamscape, more vividly than I recall many moments of waking life. Which has more value? Which is more real? They both have impacted my awareness, taught me more depth of understanding of my own awareness and to me, they mirror each other so completely, it's like my perception of the surface of water and how it appears when looking at it from above and below. They are two varied expressions of one process. There is one key aspect of waking life which mirrors dream lucidity and resonates particularly potently of late though, I can't shake the abiding sense of it, even in my body there is the living sense of it... and that is how my earliest waking conscious memories of life mirror the way I wake up within the dream state. When I become lucid in the dream state, the dream has already begun. It was the same for my waking consciousness and my physical form. My first memories of conscious awareness of my life came after the process of life began. The dream world is flowing, is already unfolding, the dream is in process and then "i" suddenly become aware within the process and then begin to interact consciously instead of reactionarily. This is how my conscious life started, at some point, around the age of 3-4 I began to become aware within the waking world. Which one is more relevant? More intrinsically real? Especially when viewed and recalled in memory. It is a common sensation now in my waking life to also have a sense of 'waking up' while in the middle of an action. Walking down the street, suddenly, I turn and look at a tree and there is the vivid sense of waking up into the present moment. This sensation sometimes feels like I've been sleeping for days or weeks. It's also very common when I first go outside after being sick and indoors for some time. There's the sense of seeing things on my familiar street in a much more lucid manner. In my experience, I am constantly slipping between lucidity and non-lucidity in my waking life and my dream life, oscillating between auto-pilot and interactive awareness much the way waves and tides ebb and flow along the shore. There is an abiding sense in my very body, that one day, I will inevitably wake up fully in both, equally.

I say almost this exact phrase consistently in life... particularly when marveling at the color gradations and the long sweeping runs of clouds out over the ocean at sunset. Life, she is a marvel!

reminded again, how grateful I am for this place... thanks to all who contribute... it's deeply appreciated!

I just found out why they called it WD 40. the WD stands for water displacement and the 40 represents how many formulas they tried before getting it right... hopefully it will just be this one try for our Nung to get his hip right!

I'd like to claim I'm brave for following this path, but really, it is out of desperate need. It was either release and let go, or continue to live long periods in rage, projection, judgement and sadness and potentially chase my wife away and live in the inertia of the storm. And I'm no great master. I'm an idiot who still will have days where for no apparent reason, I wake up in a rage and cannot shake it for a day or two. Or I come across a story in the news that wounds me deeply and I retreat into the maelstrom of sadness and rage at the audaciously unnecessary nature of humans' evil nature... Though any longer, instead of stomping around the house screaming at the world, I am silent in these bouts and I take myself out of the house, or I sit with it. Even when I am angry for a righteous reason, it is no pleasant thing for the others in my life to witness my pain and to suffer the waves of anger, without any manner to help... so first I learned silence, instead of projection... then as I sat with it, without feeding it... as you say, without any effort, or seeking, just allow it to flow through me, I began to really be able to let go with sincerity and eventually joy. Effort, seeking both bring tension and tension creates resistance which just slows down the flow of energy through a system, causing it to remain longer. I spent years falling into long bouts of focusing almost exclusively on what was wrong with the world... always getting bent out of shape over the petty, spiteful, mean-spirited or outright evil actions of those around me and around the world. It filled my days with constant tension, judgement and rage. My wife and I were together for 18 years before I relented to her long desire for a child and agreed to try for a child... Part of me knew that it would be the height of foolishness to bring a young one into my field of energy before then as I was lost in the inertia of near constant strife. But thankfully, through the grace and some hard lessons of my teachers (human, animal and forest) and through my deep need and desire to let it go, that epiphanies manifested in my awareness as vajra and showed me beyond doubt, that I have only so much time and energy in this form and I can either use my energy stewing on what I hate... or I can focus my energy on nurturing what I love. As with most processes and particularly with new habits, inertia is a key component for me... and as I fully committed to the process of silence and release, slowly at first, then with more potency, the inertia of these energies grew and though I'm far from where I'd like to be, I'm no great master... I can say I'm also far from where I used to live and the merit of it, is a vibrant resonance in the laughter and love that now rings through my home from my wife, son and I. As I was climbing into bed last night, I said to the universe... "is there any greater thing than to spend a simple night at home with the people we love? then climb into bed and sleep? thank you!"