Awhile ago i wrote how i had a unwanted kundalini awakening, i could not face it because i had prior health issues for over nine years including epilepsy. i fought the kubdalini tooth and nail. anytime i did semen retention after this awakening i would have dreams of snakes and a strange ball would start flying up and down a central channel trying to blow my head off. alot of people told me to surrender but i was in such a weakened state i couldnt. at this time i could only masturbate once a week, then once every two weeks and eventually only once a month. i had extremely low back pains and eventually a shock sent up my body and i developed neuropathy everywhere. burning numbness and tingling in all my limbs. this kept going for two years. i couldnt move during this time but i hated kundalini energy so much because i didnt want to be controlled my entire life by it , and i didnt like it damaged me because i just wanted a break and to be free. regardless none of this story matters. where im at now is, i want to restore my jing and heal my body, so even if you dont believe this story so far or whats happened. here is my latest development and looking for advice. eventually the neuropathy got so bad it went into my colon, a bad shock sent down throughout there. the pudendal nerve was damaged. the nerve responsible for sexual function. the pain there got worse and worse, three times over a couple months. in the ayurvedic system they call this extreme vata imbalance and even on a more sub scale ( apana vata) because of this damage i will never be able to have sex again, or sit comfortable. i have laid in bed in incredible pain screaming everyday. here is the kicker. i cannot restore jing anymore because of this. since this damaged occured i am having nightly nocturnal emissions i couldnt understand because usually the only time that would happen to me is from extreme overwork or a day where i was overheated. then i finally read about how if the perineal nerves in the colon and pudendal area are weakened or destroyed you can have constant nocturnal emissions. as i lay in bed, everyday i have the classic signs of jing deficiency at only age 30 because of over 10 years of extreme extreme stress. i have deep pale circles under my eyes, a pale white complextion and can barely move , all my joints ache and crack and i get dizzy standing up longer then 10 minutes. i guess this is what happens when you fight a kundalini awakening. but from my guess now is, regardless if anyone believes that i think this is my soul or higher self finally trying to kill me. my jing is so low my back screams in pain, my nerves burn me on fire to the point im in agony and my asshole hurts so badly from the nerve damage there i cannot sit, and hurts to use the washroom. now what little jing i have left is being excreted through nocturnal emission and i have no control or way to stop it from the weakened area. as i look at myself in the mirror i look like a shell of myself. a desperate soul ready to part with this world. im assuming when my soul decided to damage the nerves down there it is my soul preparing for me to die