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About cloud444

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  1. regardless of pain we all will die anyway, theres not really any reward for our hard work or suffering. so its kind of a waste of time. i went through benzo withdrawal for 5 years and healed, got rewarded with epilepsy. healed that then got rewarded with neuropathy and nerve damage in my pelvic region so i can never have sex again. there comes a time when there is no point in bothering anymore. anything we do is futile and we die in the end anyway. living is just a waste of time
  2. gods aren't real. 1500 useless religions and a bunch of made up figures to judge me. if there is a creator I hate them, and im glad I won't have to participate in this useless game much longer. we all die and lose everything because of these so called "gods" I would rather not participate here at all because I dont want to give any creator the satisfaction of participating in this shit reality. whoever designed it was clearly not thinking correctly. these human bodies are fragile and useless and cant even keep them selves together. I dont even want to heal my body anymore because it doesn't deseverd to get fixed. if these useless things break down this easily they belong in the trash
  3. ya sorry but that sounds insane. and i dont pray to any gods because i hate them all . im glad your trying to help. but that sounds dangerous
  4. your right. i wrote this two years ago. ive done so in that time. not much help for me aside going through a tramatic kundalini awakening while so fucking ill and i cant move. thats how demonic the kundalini is. no matter how fucking sick you are this piece of shit shakti demon just wont give you a break
  5. no point in going through with it now. already lost my ability to have sex and nerve damage everywhere. better to just live what life i have in bed. i cant forgive this energy, and i certainly have no need for higher states of consciousness or spiritual abilities in this spot. its kind of just makes me more angry i have to be controlled by it. i have no motivation to work with something that has no practical use
  6. the problem with me is the kundalini will not go away once awakened, as someone who didn't live a normal life, never getting to do anything. i absolutely have no want or desire for higher states of consciousness, none of those things are even a benefit if you want to live in this material plane and have fun on earth. to my goals it is a useless energy for spiritual " benefits" that dont even do very much for my time gere on earth. i hate non dual living and lifestyle. so my problem is there isnt really a life for ne if im forced into this awakening. im just going to fight it until i die because its of no use to me and i dont want to merge with it, live a life of service or do any spiritual work. i hate god and do not want to play in his game.
  7. no idea what it means and doesnt really matter if im unhealthy my entire life
  8. incorrect, many people have dreams about snakes before a kundalini awakening. this energy rose up in one of the small swirly paths beside the central channel. during this time i had out of body experiences, waves of bliss, and many other crazy symptoms. i talked to many gurus and energy experts who believed my tale as well and confirmed it was kundalini energy. i will not argue with you because i know what it was. not simple yang energy. this took months to ground
  9. it was not yang qi. It was kundalini and I did this 3 years ago. I had a dream a snake bite me. and energy went into the three channels I felt it. maybe Yang qi was a apart. but it was definitely kundalini energy, if I stop doing masturbation, I have dreams of snakes and the energy tries to rise again. but my body is damaged and I have neuropathy in all my limbs. I think our language barrier is difficult, and there is no point in me trying to convince a stranger its kundalini. I have not done breathing techniques in 4 years. I have been laying in bed. and the energy has continuously tried to raise on its own. thats why its not yang qi. once this energy opened up It has a mind of its own. I have not done any breathing techniques for years.
  10. Thanks but its honestly pointless at this point. im 30 and lost my 20s to illness. I finally got healed and this decided to damage me again to control me. a kundalini awakening takes 10 years to complete on average. you think. I will be satisfied with this when im 40? wasting all that time being controlled? I HATE the kundalini. it took away my ability to have sex and gave me neuropathy. I can NOT forgive this energy, this life is wash. theres nothing left for me.
  11. I never recovered. the neuropathy got worse and destroyed the nerves in my pelvic region. all throughout my penis and i cant even get an erection anymore. i hate the kundalini for what its done to me. everyday i lay in bed on fire head to toe, and even the nerves in my dick destroyed now. soon i want to die. i will never forgive the kundalini for what it has done, and i hate god and this universe. i will never contribute to this place. im waiting for my grandfather to get killed by his terrible disease ALS god gave him, and i will die shortly after. im only 30 but there is no life left for me. i cannot be free or procreate. all because i didnt want to be controlled by kundalini my entire life. i hope i am sent to hell, because i will spit in gods face if given the chance. i hate this world
  12. when i said "my kundalini" i was clearly saying it so that i could talk about what was going on in MY body. stop the spiritual ego babble. i never once stated i was using it or misusing it did i? NO i was just talking about what was going on.
  13. i have been doing all that already and my body doesnt seem to be getting better. my perepheral neuropathy is permanent so i have just hit a wall. even the diet you are saying i have literally already been doing, including the goji berries. my legs, arms and now my head are burning numbness and tingling so bad and its started to affect my autonomous nervous system as well and my blood pressure. it is literally hell to be in this body everyday in pain. and it hurts even more because i worked so hard for 7 years only to be slapped in the face with this. i feel like its useless to keep going because even if i somehow magically cure the uncurable nerve damage then i have to deal with the fucking kundalimi demon the rest of my life. my life is just the embodiment of frusterstion and anguish . even if i do the things mentioned it cannot cure immune disorders so i dont know how i can " move forward" if my body is too fucking stupid to quit falling apart while i try to fix it
  14. this is a long story, and im looking for help or anyone that can send me in the right direction. Im going to sum It up as short as I can. When I was younger I abused alcohol and weed, and was always tired. Really draining my Jing at a young age. Later on I went through benzo withdrawal trying to get off pills I really drained the Jing there as well. Where I am now. I had a very very bad head injury that lead me to develop a minor type of epilepsy, then I had to go on more shitty seizure pills that drain yin and Jing. Western medicine wouldn't help me and after a year I did meditation, deep breathing and yoga without knowing what I was doing ( thinking I would heal my body ) My kundalini one day arose and I had a lot of psychic phenonema, dreams of snakes, out of body experience and too much prana or whatever in the body. Once you open this up it won't go away I soon discovered, But the snake only risen half way through my chakras and not piercing the heart. so as long as I did masturbation it would go down and stay away. . Finally the snake went down and all my symptoms went away after about 4 months of grounding. I am now left with a frail damaged body, with no energy,. Low kidney energy and it literally hurts to get an erection in my lower back, all my joints ache and crack. The only way to keep the kundalini away is too masturbate at least once a week and it will stay away, if I dont then ill start to have dreams of snakes and bliss at my spine and it will start to raise again, but if I DO masturbate ONLY once within a week or so then ill get extreme bad pains in why lower back due to low Jing/ kidney energy and I kept doing this because I felt sooo scared and just sick of living life and not wanting to go through a kundalini awakening while being so ill. I kept doing this for 2 years after it awakened but basically laid in bed. Eventually because of all the emotional stress, my yin Jing or yin went too low and my back pains were so bad it damaged all my nerves permanently. I now have constant, numbness tingling, burning in all my limbs. In Chinese medicine its called bi or Wei syndrome and it permanent and for life and its getting worse starting to make my muscles weak. SO my situation now is this, very low Jing and kidney yin, damaged kidney essence and damaged meridians, it is constant and stuck in bed and the neuropathy is growing and now affecting my limbs as well and my eyesight. Also if I dont masturbate at all my kundalini tries to raise again and I dont want to go through it. IM NOT abusing my sexual energy, its just my kidney energy is so low that I cant even do it once in a couple weeks. Im so screwed because I cant dig my way out of this. I worked SO hard to try and be healthy and heal and balance my body, but now that this Wei syndrome or bi syndrome has started because of all the meridians being damaged and damaging my nerves I dont have It in my to move forward. I consulted with some Chinese medicine people and they say that I can't reverse the nerve problem. So whats the point in even going through with the awakening if im going to be like this forever. I avoided the awakening because before it happened I had suffered for 7 years and just wanted freedom. Being slapped with an awakening and to go through more hell I would have rather died, but now my situation is even way worse. I feel helpless and my body is degernating with nothing I can do about it. I try to be positive and work towards fixing it but whats the point if its degenerating faster then I can fix