Thoughts and stuff or something like that

[Miroku]

We love our poison

Today I got a call from my mother. A call I dreaded to get, not because I expected it but just because I kind of don't want to deal with my family. During the call I didn't get any of that support or care I would like to get. Quite frankly I only got told that I should stay in my awful job (which I quit a month ago but didnt tell her so she doesn't worry) because otherwise I will only get to work as a help in a supermarket. When I decided to change the topic to my plans to go to uni next year and finish my bc degree but this time in Religious studies, I was told that she hoped that I finally got myself together and got some sense. Higher education and studying for the sake of knowledge are a nay nay I guess. Needless to say this call brought up a lot of bitterness in me. Bitterness that I know very well about and that has been on my mind for the last few months after taking a small break (and well desserved one, my psyche gives 6 weeks of paid leave/year).

In this state of mind I couldn't help but feel the desire for a drink. Being a person with lots of alcohol issues in family, and myself at one point getting lost in that lovely world of nightly parties that last for days, that is quite a natural response to some feelings. While I am glad to report that this instinct of getting drunk is weakening with time it is still present and sometimes leads to a small slip and a twist in my sobriety (what a great song btw!). And to be honest it is a slip I desire.

One of the many reasons why we suffer and are stuck in samsara is partially because we kind of like it. We love our vices. From time to time we feel like purifying ourselves from them, but many just end up with painting their vices with something new.  Are you a horny guy that cannot keep it in his pants? Call it tantric sex! Do you love eating meat and drinking alcohol all night long? Call it puja! Do you like abusing people? Call it crazy wisdom! What? That it brings a lot of negative karma? Oh don't worry we have InstantSattva, just say his mantra:

 

"Om InstantSattva I Don't Understand Karma InstantSattva I Don't Believe In What I Preach InstantSattva I Can Do Whatever I Want Because I Have You InstantSattva Dong"

 

It is so easy! So Convenient!

I love my poison so much that sometimes I sit in my room and wonder what keeps me sober. I really wanna drink so why don't I? And honestly I don't know. I just tell myself it is the blessings of the Three Jewels and my Gurus that I don't get what I want. So I guess I pray for you guys too that you don't get what you want and instead you get somewhat clear conscience and days and nights you don't have to feel ashamed for. Here is a song to make you reading my rumbling worth it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9FyzKgsB7Q