I have decided that before I put even any effort into learning the Way, I am thoroughly interested in covering some groundwork about the unifying energies within our existence, the Masculine and the Feminine. You see, for the longest time, I never really knew what it meant to be a true man. I have heard stories of females being 'genetically superior' to men, perhaps for child-bearing reasons or that XX chromosome. I have, honestly thought, that there is no purpose for men in this world. I just...I don't see any importance, or significance, and I'm not gonna lie -- I don't like the idea of meatheadedness equaling a great figure to follow without our contemporary lifestyle; somewhere along the way, I started wondering, after seeing so much hulking gorilla, "Well damn, what is the purpose of being a male? What does masculine energy do?". I also began to ask the same of the feminine energy.
This is where things for me got very ugly.
I feel that I cannot help thinking masculine to be weaker when compared to feminine energy. I just...so much of Taoism seems to revolve around flexibility, predominantly bending and yielding (female) while secondarily being firm (male). The "Mother of all things" which lead to the Yin beginning first and the Yang coming out of that, the use of "know the male, concentrate the female", the use of "the female overcoming the male"...I realize that an honorable student should see these things impartially, but this is why I want to cover the ground here...I do not understand these aspects at all...I do not understand the idea of feminine energy and masculine energy. It hurts, on some levels, to feel my thoughts leaning towards feeling inferior as a male or with masculine energy compared to a female with feminine energy. I wanted to study Taoism to go with the flow, to calm the mind, because my mind isn't a very good friend of mine and it hasn't been -- but they all appear to be, again, predominantly drawing from feminine energies. What about masculine energy? Does that hold any significance at all? I don't understand the equality between the two energies, but...well jeez, if the feminine was first and THEN the masculine, I can't help but have a very, very bitter taste in my mouth, almost as though as a man of men we are crippled, stupider than that of the other energy. I suppose what I am trying to bring about is a discussion about both energies. How can one be stronger than the other? I have been trying for years to bring the clarity between male and female into perspective so I can actually move on with my life, but every time I try, something seems to jump out in front of me. It's like my deepest fear is to be regarded as inferior and not equal, even on a cosmic level as part of the greater whole. What if that particular half of the whole isn't as important/strong/needed for existence? From what I have gathered, I don't feel like much of a man in masculine energy. I don't feel like I have faith in it of itself, because I can't see the equality. Isn't the All of Creation both? Why is it, then, that we seem to learn less from the masculine energy and more from the feminine energy? Does that mean that masculine energy is less?
In no way am I trying to degrade anyone of any perspective. If I have, my sincerest apologies. I am just very, very confused and, at some level, very ashamed of masculine...everything.
Hoping to gain a clearer, calmer perspective while I'm here,