Hello Iam reading this forum more than 4 years, but I didnt wrote anything until now.I have to ask something to everybody in here. Years of meditation practice, and lot of pain I endure, I finally give up.The problem is I dont believe the gods good nature anymore, and I dont believe spiritual freedom anymore.even you enlightened one day, and become extremely high level god, doesnt matter degeneration is unescapeble. you will fall one day. how many times you can rise ten,hundred,thousand at the end one day you will corrupt so badly you will never get enlightened.Some of you gonna say why do you thinking far future so much and not live in today ? Iam not thinking future I dont fear death or sickness, the problem is no heaven even the highest one dont deserve to endure so much pain. why do I have to play this stupid good and evil game forever? Why dont I have a chance become nothingness (soul destruction) ? yes there is soul destruction for fully evil people, but its very painfull, and it takes aeons to your soul the dissolve. even they are fully evil where is your heavenly mercy now ? why dont I have option to become nothingness, why I must play this stupid game forever until I become completely evil , or enlightened ? I dont want neither of them, I just want to become zero, Nothing.... why commiting suicide evil ? because youre destroying the destiny that god create for you (he or she who is responsible about your destiny) ... Like I care, I dont see any evil in here but you create enourmous karma. yea yea ı know hurting human body is one of the biggest crime.for someone else yes I agree but why I must live like this? why I must live the painfull destiny of that god choose to me ? I dont care ıam a serial killer or something in my past life, where is your unhumanly mercy,compassion why dont they let me become nothingness before ı become corrupt, why there is no freedom in spiritual world like in our world. Nothing is different.. in my knowledge gods create this world because of their mercy and give fallen gods one more chance to become enlightened. I think this is the greatest trap of the gods, because in higher realms when you fall , you fall because of the selfishness, and little bit jealosy. lust,killing,rape,drugs everything that creates enourmous karma is in this world. so If they destroyed me before I came to this world , its probably less painfull and much shorter.I have a question who are in here can make astral travel , or enlightened who can contact with heavenly beings..
1)If I die or suicide do I have chance to choose that I want to go on or become destroyed? or they just send you the realm you deserve instantly without you have chance to open your mouth ? (Iam not thinking to suicide, just angry to there is no freedom)
2)Is soul destruction painfull and takes aeons to finish , or If I ask to the gods there is a instant way to do that ?
sorry about my english, I can understand perfectly but my writing skill isnt that good.Because of my lack english some people think this is teenage deppresion, but its not, Iam never a person who wants earn money,have sex,buy house car and earn money , have more sex. I dont like football,basketball anything I hate smoking, I hate alcohol, only thing I loved is meditation, and that love left me. I dont know how can I describe it is not depprision but like something left me , I dont want to do anything anymore.