I should preface, I'm no expert or academic. I grew up Christian. I grew up poor. Most importantly, I grew up a poor Christian.
I turned away from faith, because I demanded so much in terms of knowledge to fix my mistakes and find some avenger for my tribulations.
But since I turned 30, I decided that I can't continue like this. My life felt like a grotesque sludge that encased me, and above me, in a blackened mirror sustained on the ceiling, I saw what I was and what I was becoming. Cynical. Miserable. Angry. Hateful.
So long, I've been lost. And lost, I think, is an odd way to describe it. I had no path. To be lost, is to have a destination. And there was nothing I was moving towards.
And then, recently, I discovered the Tao De Ching. I just finished it, and have found two translations of the Secrets of the Golden Flower to next read.
This has... Changed my life.
I don't feel lost anymore, because I realise I'm not pursuing anything. For so long I've had the GPS open, wondering why it wasn't showing me the best route, and yet I had no destination in mind in the first place.
For so long I've wanted out. Out of the present. Out of the past. Yet I seldom considered tomorrow anything but a lamentable fact. And now I see that tomorrow is a blessing and I'm lucky that I have yet another day to try and understand the Dao.
The quiet is no longer overbearing. My racing mind is no longer a curse.
I have read a hundred books with 100,000 words laid out, all that say nothing.
Yet the Tao Te Ching, with 1/20th the words of even a single one of those pieces has my eyes opened.
I just wanted to thank this subreddit. I found it today, but I'm just glad there are others out there.
The world feels so much more gentle.
