Junior Bum
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About nems

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    Dao Bum

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  1. Dreams

    That is an interesting interpretation I didn't think of, pretty cool stuff. And yeah, I think you're right. I feel like I keep looking for answers or a way to progress but haven't been able to find a place to start. I keep noticing a lot of problems with myself but I've been avoiding looking at them or admitting them but I know what they are and why they exist. It's like I'm denying the fact that I'm a person in a weird way.
  2. My parents make me sick

    The longevity is on both sides of the family and I have noticed some things about it. They either have a long but painful life or a VERY long and happy life well into their 90s. I think a lot of it is hereditary because everyone seems to live a longer life than average regardless, but the quality of life is so much different depending on their habits and attitudes. Some live to be 95-105 and seem more like a 60 or 70 year old until the very end and have only very minor health problems like bad eyesight. But some die between 85-93 and in the last 20 years they usually can't walk, they're depressed, angry, and just overall sick Those who lived into their hundreds usually never smoked cigarettes or drank alcohol (except marijuana on my mom's side). They also never ate very much and stayed away from most meat except chicken, eggs and fish. There is also a strong dislike of exercise believe it or not, but they all worked really hard to keep their homes clean and neat. My grandma would get on her hands and knees to scrub her floor almost every day but always joked around about how she's never liked exercise. Her dad lived to be 95 and her mother 103. She talked a lot of their tidiness and how much they loved each other. They never fought or cheated on each other and were married since they were 15. They were all fairly sedentary but not to a point of laziness, and they never ate too much. Usually one meal at the end of the day. It was never on purpose or for religious reasons, it just seemed to be a habit they all grew up with! My grandma had 8 brothers and sisters and I've seen all of them die but one and she's 98. She actually is the only one that drinks, but she has a good attitude in general and I think that it keeps her going. She still going out to casinos with her daughter in law. My mom talked about her own grandma a lot and though I never got to meet her it sounds like her life was pretty similar. She was very strong willed, especially for a woman at that time. That's something all of the people who live the longest have in common. They are extremely strong willed but still positive. Her exercise was walking 4 miles to church and back each Sunday and also keeping her house extremely neat. She lived to be 99 and her husband 103, she died about a month after he passed away. Apparently she was very healthy and mobile up until the very end. I always noticed that the better the attitude the better their last years were. They'd also have a MUCH easier and less painful time dying. If they had emotional problems or addiction problems though it was different. They would still live a long time but they were just completely sick and depressed. Their houses were always dirty even before they had a hard time getting around (from what I'm told) and they usually had a lot of problems raising their children in a healthy way. They always had inflammation related problems and I think it's directly from being emotionally stressed. Both sides are European. My father's side is Western European (mainly English) and my mother's side is Eastern Europe (Czechoslovakian, Russian, Ukranian, Austrian) I've always tried to keep track of people who got really old like the people in my family because I really want to see how long I can stay alive, hopefully some of this is useful information to you... I feel like a lot of it is stuff I've seen online before in regards to extending life spans, but I can tell you from what I've seen the fasting, eating less meat, and not over doing it really does seem to help!
  3. Dreams

    As long as I can remember I've been having very vivid and realistic dreams. I started lucid dreaming when I was about 8. The first one I remember having was being in a pool and I started floating up towards the sun. I realized it wasn't possible and then I realized I was in a dream but I couldn't really control them at first so it was confusing. Every night I have some kind of dream. It's like I'm in the same place/areas nearly each time. I could probably even draw a map of it at this point. Maybe I will at some point and post it here for fun. Sometimes the dreams take place on a planet with 3 suns or I'm flying in space and watching all these stars fall into each other and light starts warping all around. I don't feel any heat from the stars and I'm still technically far away from them even though it looks close because they're so huge. Sometimes there are certain dreams that stand out, or they're repeated over and over and over. One of the most repetitive ones I have is that I'm walking through the woods or a town and I either go into a building with a basement or find old ruins that have stairs going underground. I always walk down the stairs and see dozens of corpses and skeletons laid out on slabs like it's some sort of catacomb. Sometimes I just walk out and go on exploring, and sometimes I have to kill one that's still alive. There are dreams other people have that I've had variations of. Like the "old hag" dream. I had this once but she never got into my house or tried to suffocate me. She was just outside my window looking into my room and eating a raw rabbit. Then she noticed me looking at her and I freaked out and jumped out of bed to go get a knife because I had some idea I needed to kill her. Halfway to the kitchen I kind of came to my senses and realized she probably wasn't real. It was more like a hallucination instead of a dream I think since I was able to get up and react like that I was definitely awake. I say "she" very loosely. I get the idea that it was a female but she was so disgusting and inhuman I can't really say for sure. I loveee to talk about dreams with people and to hear about their own. I am also looking for some good resources on dream interpretation if anyone has any. There are certain symbols or objects in my dreams that I take maybe as I good omen, like the three suns. I never really looked into meanings of my dreams but sometimes it seems like I'm supposed to take something away from them but I've never taken it seriously.
  4. My parents make me sick

    I meant that by the time the male peers in my school were 18 most of them didn't have a mother caring for them or living with them. Most of their mothers just lost custody of their children because of abuse or drug problems, some lost their mother to drug overdose and a lot were just abandoned by their mother at some point. Our school was very small but only about 4 boys in my graduating class still had a mother living with them. I think you bring up a good point I wasn't thinking about initially. He is in pretty good health as of now, but it's going to decline sooner or later. 75 probably sounds very old, but most people in my family live to be at least 100 and don't show signs of frailty until they're around 90. I don't know if he will be that lucky because he's neglected his health a lot. He still is able to walk and is not showing any signs of dementia yet, so it's hard to think of him as a feeble old person.. until he is. I don't want him to needlessly suffer if he falls or gets hurt. I don't have Facebook and I don't get any cell phone reception where I live. He also doesn't even have a cell phone, he mainly uses a tablet to go on facebook so I'm not sure exactly what I'll do. I'm not in an ideal spot for any emergency they might have because there is no way for people to call me or really communicate except through email. I will have to think of a way... It's hard to get across his mental state/behavior through text. It's a big reason why I don't want to visit. If I could put it all down here I think people would tell me to never speak to my parents again even if they are elderly. He is not the type to share interests or emotions other than anger with other people and it feels like a lot of his happiness has always been acquired through putting people down or being right. I don't think he ever went through the normal emotional development of a man so he doesn't have many interests or hobbies to talk about or bring up. I seem to cause him stress when I visit him because he looks at me as a failure for not thinking exactly like him. More like I'm a waste of his time or somebody to talk about behind their back. Plus I know deep down he sees women as weak and a waste of time because he mocks them when they cry or pay attention to babies or do anything feminine. Maybe finding a visiting nurse is my best option.
  5. My parents make me sick

    These were some really great replies. I've never really put my problems out there like this but I'm glad I did. Even just typing it all out and then reading it again made me realize what garbage I've been dealing with, and I didn't even have to include the terrible things they've said to me or the extent of emotional abuse. A lot of the guilt I feel is because they really are a lot like children. My mom reminds me of girls I would hang around with at age 11-13 that had a lot of trouble at home and never grew out of the catty/jealous/spiteful/insecure behavior. A lot like those kids, I don't think she's a full blown psychopath (maybe she's heading there) but it's like she doesn't really know how to separate the world that hurt her from the world that could be her own. My mom is an ashiest (kind of) She's told me things like how she stops believing in God to punish Him because she never gets what she wants. I can't even begin to break down that statement and how much that sort of mentality has directly ruined her life. My dad is Christian (kind of) but again with his faith you can see the underlying attitude that causes problems. Someone in his church had his son die in an accident and every Sunday he'd say something about how he can't wait see his son again... He used to be a monk for about 20 years and ended up leaving and getting married. His wife is the pastor at the church now and they devote a lot of their lives to Christianity and studying it. He's someone who's views on his faith have developed and changed but he believes what he believes for a reason. They are genuinely really good and learned people... He might not even mean to literally see his son. My dad gossips about how dumb he is for believing you can be united with your loved ones in heaven and how he's essentially more intelligent or "right" because all he wants is to be "with god." Like he believes he is the end all be all of wisdom, which in my opinion is exactly what makes you stupid. It's just stuff like that. I don't think he will identify as Christian much longer because I know based on his views he sees Christians being made fun of all the time or painted as ignorant/stupid on facebook. He's pushing away the last decent people in his life so he can match the persona facebook created for him. I'm expecting a militant ashiest phase before he dies. I'm going to take a break from them. I posted this initially because my mom is leaving my dad alone for a week to go see her son and I felt bad for him being alone and no one coming to see him. I kept debating if I should go visit. If it were me I'd be okay to be alone for a week, if not I would go out myself. In fact he needs to be alone to think more than anything, but he will probably waste it to watch the news and go on facebook. It really does feel like they hold me back from that true sense of freedom. It's like the last thing weighing me down. If any other people were treating me like they do I would not tolerate it. I don't even associate with people like that if I can help it. You can see it from a mile away and it's really not the type that just "needs a friend to lean on" or someone to show them love. I can't really help them or say anything that gets them thinking because it's like they've been like this too long. I may as well accept it. They made that choice long ago. Plus by the way I've been talking about them, maybe I'm really no better than they are if I go visit after telling people how miserable they make me.
  6. I feel like the stress from my parents is slowly shortening my life more and more. Two years ago when the pandemic started I "ran away" from them to live with my boyfriend. Since then we've bought a house, got engaged and I'm feeling so much better than I have in my entire life. Initially I didn't talk to them often or see them, but I felt it was somehow morally wrong? I know a lot of the reason I don't cut ties is that they raised me to be sort of an emotional outlet for themselves and I feel a lot of guilt for not giving them what they want, but I also feel like they don't even know any better. To give context, I grew up in a really small town in the middle of nowhere. My school was ranked one of the worst in my state (bottom five percent) when factoring in mental illness, self harm, drug use, grades, academic achievement, etc. It's rampant with heroin... to the point where most males in my grade didn't have mothers by the time they were 18. Everyone in my community was very republican (at least in voting) I wouldn't say conservative because no one was very traditional in their views or actions. I constantly begged them to move as I got older because I could see that this was not how every community was. It was so unhealthy, unsafe and terrifying. We absolutely had the means to move and they always complained about the town but yet wouldn't move. I never understood why until a few years ago. My parents are ''liberal'' and it's like they live there solely to judge those around them to feel better about themselves. I don't mean to bring up politics nor do I want to discuss it, but it does factor into A LOT if not all of their actions. Their political allegiance is their entire identity. All they do is talk about people behind their backs and judge and parrot quotes they see on facebook to support their views. I had NO idea how much that behavior messed with me growing up. I struggled with eating disorders all the time and I developed severe body dysphoria. There are so many situations where I've desperately needed them to protect me or help me and I received none. Though, my mom still guilts me for having to drive me to therapy as a teen (stopped going because she made me feel like a burden) or to doctor's appointments and meeting my basic needs or buying me toys. They were severely neglected growing up, so whenever I needed to talk to them or tried to express my feelings it became a comparison. Their entire lives are spent on Facebook and I've noticed since they first gotten it they've only become more unbearable to be around. It feeds all of their narcissistic tendencies and worsens all of their biases AND gives them easy access to people's lives in order to judge them. They portray themselves as "liberals" to seem like they are better than everyone. Everyone else is undereducated and bigoted while they are the most intelligent people they know. They are chronically "surrounded by idiots" and it somehow gives them solace instead of making them want to be with like minded people. Whatever they see on the news they will talk about non stop and mold their stance to whatever they're told without really thinking about it or looking into it more. As a teenager I would study world events in accordance to their political beliefs because I wanted to have something to talk about with my dad so badly... But if I said one wrong thing he would scream at me and berate me until he was red in the face and I was a sobbing mess. I understand now that a lot of that stuff solely exists to enhance people's biases and divide them against their neighbors, but they still don't and they've fallen so deep into this pit of narcissism and self serving opinions that I feel like I can't have a relationship with them anymore. It's less terrible when I'm alone with one of them having one on one conversations, but they always talk about each other behind their backs and always have. It doesn't feel good to me at all. I am 21. My mom is 66 and my dad just turned 75. My mom didn't believe she could still get pregnant when they conceived me. It feels like I was a mistake that they never cared to raise. My grandma lived next door and raised me more than I ever realized. Almost of my childhood memories are with her. She was the one I called mom. I love her more than anything, but a few years ago she passed away and I realized how alone I was. It's been really painful coming to this point. Every time I see them I notice the stress in my body. It's gotten to a point where it physically hurts to be near them and when I leave I have to spend the evening trying to let go of all the awful things they think and say. All the jabs at me they take that irritate me but are passive aggressive to the point they're not even worth fighting against. All the nasty things they tell me about the kids I went to school with. All the jokes about people's weight, appearance, social status, etc. They genuinely take delight in the misfortunes of others and think I will too, but it's breaking my heart. After re reading all of this and thinking about it, I feel like I actually really really hate them. I don't like it at all. I know when they die I will be so relieved and it disgusts me. The guilt dissolves when I feel this way, but in a few hours it will come back and I will feel like I need to be there for them again. It feels like an actual poison, and I can't compare it to anything else. It's actually begun making me feel physically ill the longer I'm around them. This post ended up a lot longer than I initially thought, and there is still more. I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I feel like I'm leaving them to die alone, and no one deserves that, but I also don't think I need to suffer like this anymore. Has anyone else been through something similar? Did you have techniques to release the stress or did you just cut them out entirely? I've attempted talking to them about their facebook use by asking them introspective questions but it seems like they genuinely lack the ability to question and form their own beliefs or like... understand their actions and choices in general... It terrifies me that people can be this way, let alone it being my parents.
  7. Hi there

    I thought it was about time to find people who are as interested in all of this as I am! I want to advance and get tips from people who know more than me and hopefully have some good conversations