I'm new to posting on this forum but I've come across, and perused, this website for over 10 years or so. This forum seems unique in that there are a lot of highly informed minds all on a seemingly similar journey, and the conversations that take place here are fantastic! I've learned a ton, and found great repositories of inspiration and knowledge, so thank you all.
I'm posting now to tell my story, and to ask the gathered minds for some assistance. Pardon the forthcoming wall of text
About 10 years ago I had a profound spiritual awakening (or something else?) that profoundly altered my life in many different ways. I'm not even exactly sure what happened to this day, although I've spent many years researching to try to figure it out and have some ideas. The consequences of it still haunt, and mesmerize, me and I'm still searching for answers. So here's what happened, let me know what you think.
I was sitting on my couch at home on Christmas night, after having left my families house for christmas festivities. I'll leave out most of the details, but I was at a very difficult in my life after a series of difficulties in about 2 years (mother dying of cancer, graduating from college, hired and fired from job across the country, moved back, broke up with longterm girlfriend, family strife after mothers death, money and economic problems etc). This particular holiday was very difficult for a variety of reasons. While on the the couch, I was going over the day in my mind, dealing with how difficult it was, (full disclosure I was drinking alcohol) when (****BAM****).........I see a bright explosive light in my field of vision, and felt like hot wonderful gold liquid was running through my body (particularly my back which had been in pain for weeks prior). I began to laugh, cry, and felt a sort of ecstasy that I had never experienced. My mind was swimming in bewilderment, as if a bunch of ideas clicked together simultaneously, like a floodgate had been opened in my mind. And I felt a presence in the room, a"being" i guess, although it had no form other than flickering bright light, and if felt like flowing unconditional love. I recall never looking directly at it, but more like it was in my periphery and I knew it was there. I felt an amazing rush of gratitude, almost like I felt that something this extraordinary couldn't happen to me and the fact that it did was too good to be true. This is how powerful this feeling and experience was at the time. I then went "black" and went to sleep immediately. Upon waking up, my first though was "I hope whatever has happened to me stays like this for the rest of my life". I felt like a completely new person when I woke up, invigorated, pulsating with energy and excitement. My mind felt, and still does, feel different in a variety of ways. And I had a very strong sense of being connected to the "divine" or "god" for lack of better words. Previous to this I had been a very hard agnostic, bordering on atheist. There were times when I was obnoxiously antispiritual/religious. I told my best friend the next day what I experienced and said "I think I was wrong about the no god thing". He knows me well, and that story and my behavior, freaked him out good because he believed that I believed what I was saying.
There were many other changes after that day, some of which I will keep to myself since this is a public forum, that took a while to accept and made me think that I was going insane for periods of time. My mind moved more fluidly than it ever had. Sometimes I would find myself doing or saying just the "right" thing in situations. I felt more creative, I felt ecstatically alive, full of energy. I began to have extremely vivid dreams, some lucid, some precognitive. I had the feeling of meeting "beings" in dreams. I began to see a color behind my closed eyelids, that had not been there previous to this experience. And a Strong urge to research in the spiritual realm. I made it a mission to consume as much knowledge as I could on a topic I had dismissed as ridiculous previously. I also no longer feared death like I had before. To this day I just have a peace about what comes after. I began meditating daily, spurned most of my material things and had a strong urge to be of service. I became celibate (no ejaculation) for over 2 years at one point. The thing that stands out the most is the experience of synchronicity that became a common occurrence in my life. There would be days where it would be a long string of synchronicities and events lining up with my thoughts. It was jarring and it was so much at one point I thought I was either crazy, or had died and this is what limbo must be like.
The other negatives of the experience were feelings of isolation and confusion. Delusions of grandeur, a feeling of being chosen, "special" etc. A strong increase in addictive behaviours (especially alcohol). Very high and low emotional peaks. Lowkey trouble with friends and family due to change in personality and interests. It was a lot to handle for the people around me to believe that I was now some spiritual guy who had seen a light and was having seemingly supernatural stuff happen from time to time. Some people thought I was a little nuts. Sometimes I thought I was nuts, but could not deny my experiences. I also had some experiences with "negative" spirits. In my research I studied occult knowledge of all kinds, from the bible to the baghvad gita to alchemy to plato to crowley to daoism and so on. I began to "manifest" people with this interest seemingly all of the time, to the point where it made me afraid of it. I would sit at a coffeeshop writing about esoteric ideas and synchronicities and a group of new age "wizards" would plop down next to me and begin talking about the occult and synchronicities. Things like that.
There are lots of other little things like this, and some crazy stories but this is the general idea. It felt alot like what Dorothy must have felt in Oz.
After a few years of this, and putting my life back together I reached cliff and have been falling ever since. I entered a toxic relationship, lost my job, went deep into debt, found a new job that was the most abusive toxic environment I had ever experienced. My addictive habits slowly took over until I went through two rehabs for alcohol, and I tested the loyalty of my friends and family with crazy erratic behavior. Lots of other difficulties that I won't get into. I've gotten through all of those things, and am now a fully functioning member of society. Since arriving at this point of stability that I haven't had in probably 12 years or so, I still find myself constantly reading, and researching trying to absolutely "know" what happened to me. I'm still confused and have a hard time reconciling the me that felt invincible and enamored with what it means to be a "good", peaceful person, with the absolute madman that I became after a while. A part of me wishes I had sought out some sort of teacher, but the only ones I came across in real life had a very christian bent, and wouldn't go near some of the things I was talking about other than saying it's the devil.
I certainly made a lot of mistakes, and I sometimes think I let a beautiful experience create an egoic monster inside of me without realizing. It's all very confusing still. I can't talk about it with anyone because the people around me either don't want to listen, or just think I'm crazy. It has been very lonely to want to speak about, and understand this amazing thing that happened only to find people almost instinctively hostile towards it. So I find myself here :).
Any ideas as to what happened? I have some ideas, but I don't want to sway any opinions but would be happy to discuss it with anyone. Also, where should I go from here in regards to this experience? In my guts I feel that it has some major meaning for me and what I'm supposed to do with my life, but 10 years later I find myself way behind my peers in most ways (except at esoteric trivia night). I realize it will be hard for anyone to give me a right answer, but I think I've just always wanted to tell people who might understand. So thanks for reading, any feedback would be great.