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I would love to hear any discussion from those who have experienced the death of a spouse, a long-term relationship. I just lost Joe maybe 6 weeks ago to an ischemic stroke from a brain bleed between operations. I am devastated. I am wanting to know more about this grief process from those who have experienced it. The first couple weeks, I was numb. I saw the death from a cerebral perspective; a few tears, but nothing devastating. I think I was still operating on adrenaline from all the trips to the hospital, cremation arrangements, a final ceremony to help him cross over. It wasn't until about the third week that I became devastated, crying at the drop of a hat. Anything at all reminds me of him. I know that it is myself that I am crying for, the loss of half of me, half of me that had been filled by Joe for 35 years. I am still projecting Joe into inanimate things; I keep a teddy bear on his side of the bed, pretend that it is him, and talk to it. I hug it. I cry from the depths of my soul. I awaken with my eyes red and swollen. I am crying as I write this. still I can smell his smell, feel his silky skin, look into his kind eyes. I see his eyes in the teddy bear. What is helpful is to remove myself from myself, and speak to myself from the Observer perspective. I did this just this morning. Laying in bed sobbing, I said "She is crying". That seemed to help. I am capable of slipping in and out of myself from the Ego to the Observer, but remembering to do so when I am in this state is rare. If anybody cares to respond to this from their own experience (Rene, I can't thank you enough for sticking with me as much as you have; I hate to burden you further) I would greatly appreciate it. I seem to be going through a 'stage' of suicide ideation. This morning, before slipping into the Observer state and saying 'She is crying', I was thinking that it would be preferable to slit my wrists along the length of the arteries rather than across. Please, no platitudes. No pity, please. Just help me get through this and let me know what to expect.
So right now I am dealing with a terminal illness within my family. It has been a long battle but it looks like it will be ending fairly soon. A DNR has been signed, and there is so much emotion and stress going on around me. There has also been some heartbreak as I learned that a family member attempted to forge documents in order to put themselves down as beneficiary to life insurance. There's just so much going on. I am doing everything I can to help, and am able to keep a cool head and sort things out and tackle things one at a time. There is a deep sadness within me that doesn't feel ready to come out yet, though. I am trying to get through this the healthiest way possible. Are there any specific meditations or Qigong that might help with this? Anything I could do to look after myself?