Tatsumaru

Let go of this, let go of that. Why live at all if you have to let go of your dreams. Letting go is for weak people. The easiest thing is to say "Ah big deal, it's hard I don't need this" or "Hmm, I think I just need to let go of that dream to become A or B or C, it's way too unrealistic". What's that word unrealistic even supposed to mean ? Check out the way this whole world appeared. Does that seem realistic to you ? I mean I respect you guys and everything but give me a break, letting go of all your desires makes you an empty shell and that's no happiness that's simply nothing literally. Just breathing and eating until you die.

Plain and simple, I've lost it... my balance, that is.

A few months ago I started this topic: About me and my life.

It's basically what I've been struggling with and a lot of helpful advice. Since then I've changed a little. Learned important things but my life is still nowhere near where I want it to be. This is destroying me gradually, and what do I mean exactly...

This Christmas I spent alone at my house. I decided to take some magic mushrooms even though I wasn't in the mood. The dose wasn't big at all but nevertheless it felt horrible and mostly because I was in the wrong mindset. I suffered a severe panic attack and went to the ER to check my heart as I felt if it was going to explode any minute. Since then nothing has ever been the same. I'm very anxious, nervous and constantly watching for my pulse. I have been having problems with my heart as well probably stress-related. You get the idea. I've taken mushrooms before, I used to grow them, so my point is that all the sh*t that has been happening in my life broke loose that day and now I'm not the same person. I would wake in the middle of the night with my pulse over 160 etc.

I went to the doctors, they said heart is fine, now I'm about to do a blood panel tommorow and also visit a neurologist and psychiatrist.

The truth is that I'm a very reckless person - I am a bodybuilder so I use all kinds of medication, I'm a great fan of biochemistry and medicine and am currently studying to apply at Columbia University. I've been of all medication for a few weeks now. And all the stuff that's happened to me including the lonely life and the lack of friends and the failures are taking a toll on my balance. Now I feel very down, I don't know what to do. I want everything to be absolutely perfect but it never is. For example if I am not maintaining a perfect physique and health I wouldnt go out, wouldnt communicate with new people and it has been like this for my whole life. And I just can't take myself anymore. I'm failing as a person.

Do you have any suggestions ? What should I do ?

P.S.

For some reason I want way too much out of this life, constanly pursuing the hardest of achievements but at the same time achieving nothing at all. I try to set the bar lower but it just doesn't work. I want it all and I have nothing.

I don't feel like giving to the world but maybe you are right.

Sounds Cool

It is helpful but sounds like western medicine as well - Treating the symptoms instead of dealing with the core issue.

I know that through this schedule and state of mind one may advance but at the same time it feels as if it's a dam of emotions held in, that is ready to burst any moment.

I just saw this movie "The Art Of Getting By". It's a similar story to what I described and I'm pretty sure a lot of people would relate somewhat to it. It's a nice relaxing story so if you want you can give it a try

Check this guy out

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Li_Ching-Yuen

Do you believe in Fate and do you think Fate smiles upon some and there are chosen ones ?

I would always chose to carry the burden of great powers rather than struggling with virtually nothing. I feel like I'm in a cage. I want to move out and quit living with my parents I want to change my life I need variety, I can't stand the feeling as if for the last 21 years nothing happened. It feels like this is the whole world.

Should I accept my life as a punishment for vices in a previous life. Bad Karma if you want ? Why won't I have just a single tiny moment of success in my life to use as a base for my motivation. That way I would know that I'm not cursed or something like that. I just need to get away. I'm kinda ill right now so I tend to exaggarate when I have high temperature but still I don't feel comfortable at all. How do I escape ? I want a new life in the mountains with the ancient masters.

Look at a glass of water. It seems ordinary and at the same time the water itself is so strange. If water could be created out of nothing (Big Bang or whatever), then surely one should be capable of great deals.

Solid advice by everyone. Thank you.

I don't know Jetsun. Effortless is to lie in your bed and die there. And in fact that would require effort too.

I know what I want, when I say I didn't I referred to myself in the past. I just don't seem to be motivated to do anything.

Maybe its Feng Shui and I'm constantly depleted of some valuable energy for motivation etc.

@anamatva

I'm a vegetarian. Used to be a vegan as well but then I realized I had to give all my money for cocoa butter and other fancy stuff. I used to train taijiquan at a local dojo but then I just quit. I realize what you say and I will try to be more patient. For some reason I have this ongoing concept in my head that life is too short to be patient so I need to progress very quickly but I guess you need to be patient in order to progress quickly.

@Scotty

Thank you for your advice. I will read Eva Wong's book and give a shot at Max' Kunlun Nei Gung

@Twinner

No I'm not Japanese even though I feel as if I was drown by that ancient region. I've wanted to travel Japanese and Chinese cities and mountains but as you already know I didn't have the patience to learn Japanese and Chinese. I will definitely watch Nabari No Ou, in fact I'm downloading it as we speak. As far as my parents go, I once told my mother that I want to go to Tibet and she cried like "You're an adult now, do what you have to do". She was so devastated by the idea of me not wanting to be a lawyer or an architect. My mother just doesn't get it and I don't care about what her husband thinks. My father used to understand me but he passed away. I have to say though I was never burdened by my parents divorce, I don't even believe in long relationships and marriages. When two people cannot live together anymore they should seperate.

@crispy91

Your story is truly related to mine I guess. In fact my talents are in music and other arts as well. I used to play the piano when I was little and to go to contests and win them etc but I remember it required tremendous effort from my father to discipline me every day over and over again so I could sit in front of the piano for 8 hours straight and play. I wasn't an easy kid.

I too want to go to the mountains and eat from my own organic food and yet there is this other part in me that can't let go of the material rewards in life. How is it possible to want to be an immortal Taoist and at the same time wanting to have millions of dollars and drive a Lamborghini ? I feel like a schizo sometimes. But we all know that all material desires that I have are triggered by my sense of wanting to prove smarter. I have this dream that I go to a class reunion in one or two years and I'm all worked out - great body, sports car everything and their looks when they see me "Gee, he really figured it out". It's pathetic I know but I have to be honest with myself if I am to move on.

@Phosphor

I understand. I will do these exercises. You are right that I usually underestimate other people for my arrogant nature but the failures in my life have brought me to a more humble approach to life and now I tend to accept what wiser people have to tell me.

I understand. Off I go to infinity and beyond !

I will try to find a master. Thank you for your support.

That is true what you are saying and wise, I would have to set the bar really really low in order to do something though like "Meditate for 15 seconds every day".

I have to say though it's the repetitiveness of a certain task that brings me down the most rather than the hardship of a single excercise. For example when I started SFQ, I was able to do get up early in the morning and do two 30 min sessions a day. Then I just quit doing it as if it was a chore.

Is it possible that I have ADD/ADHD or some other mental problem ?

But you are just suggesting to settle for less than I want. I have to say I pretty much accepted that I'm nothing special since a special person has achieved something - I haven't.

It's just the way I'm hardwired. For example meditating just for good health seems too mediocre for me, but meditating for immortality seems like a glorius enough task. Ironic isn't it since my life has been absolutely mediocre.

There is no such thing as "my practice". I just quit everything I start that requires effort.

At one point in my life I told my father about how good I feel when I watch successful people achieving their goals. Makes me feel as if I was capable too. And he just told me "son, you are masturbating with your life". He was so damn right, I couldn't feel it myself so I would watch other people in order to get this high of happiness.

This is really hard to share as it is my most painful subject.

Since I remember myself I've always felt the world in a more profound way. As if there was so much more than the everyday job and supporting for your family. I would lie in my bed and think about the purpose of one's life, what could be achieved and what great powers stay hidden for all but for the best of our kind and I would dream to be one of them. I come from a pair of divorced parents or so I was told. I might have been adopted for all I know. My mother is a very down to earth person and my father was a complicated guy but in the end he was also struggling to reach a state of inner peace and feel free of social boundaries.

Let's just say that through the years I've been a pretty distant man. I've had low confidence since forever for no reason, even though I had so much people interested in me I would still feel afraid of them and shame I guess. I always thought I was smarter than everyone around me and yet I never achieved anything of rare value. I wasn't motivated to study nor did I care for the best diploma. Sometimes I would learn with ease when I forced myself but it killed my soul to put effort in anything. When I was younger I didn't know what I wanted so I would think it's ok to do chores - after all everybody did them, it's the way society works but I just couldn't force myself.

After that came the part where I was constantly fighting with my spirit and my mind trying to settle for a single goal and achieve it. A miserable failure here too. Still every once in a while I would get a tiny enlightenment about who I am and what I want to do but over the course of months or years. The sad part though is that I couldn't put effort to fight for the things I wanted either. In fact I started going to Chinese lessons two months ago, and I loved the idea of knowing Chinese and going to China but then after a few lessons I again was forced to sit and learn and to get up on a saturday morning and attend the lectures for five hours, so I stopped going. I'm a quitter that's right. I quit my university degree, I quit going to the gym etc. etc.

To this day I work in an office doing things that I have no interest for thus slowly fading to a shadow of unfulfillment and sorrow. One would say that I'm depressed - It is true I was depressed over the years especially in my teenage years but now I don't even feel that emotion anymore. It's like some self-preservation instinct to mute such emotions I guess.

I believe nature blessed me with a soul that is able to evolve to levels unheard of but at the same time cursed me with the lack of constant motivation and persistance. I would meditate for a few days and be like "Nothing happens, It's just a waste of time" but deep in myself I would say "Who am I kidding, I'm just not strong enough". And I would watch some epic stories, movies, animes if you want and get overly motivated by these powerful characters and sit and meditate, starve myself for a few days or whatever and then it would go away again. Can't keep this energy of persistance that brings a person closer to his goal. I've failed in absolutely anything that I've tried for this very reason. And I've tried over and over again but there is some conflict inside me that I can't seem to resolve and frankly I don't want to fight for nothing anymore. I can't seem to fight either. I wouldn't settle for less than what I want but at the same time I couldn't find what it takes to be the best within me. I don't know what is the problem but I know that if I can't win this battle then I'll go away from this life as a failure and an embarassment mostly to myself.

If you took the time to read all this I'm grateful. I doubt that you will be able to help but then I respect you guys for not being a part of the flock so maybe I'll find the long-desired key to my balance here. Oh, and please excuse my pathetic English. I never had the nerve to finish learning the grammars.

Thank you Phosphor. Nice explanation.

Yes, a Tenchu fan.

I'll keep meditating then. A lot of books also mention pain, possible vomiting etc during clearance of the passages.

Thanks to all.

I started the SFQ Level 1 a few days ago. Since then I've been doing one 30 min session in the early morning and one 30 min session in the noon every day. I could not feel any vibrations, hotness or definite signs of Qi whatsoever but what I felt was a burning pain (not very strong) in my upper vertebraes during my last few sessions. Now that might simply be a cramp for trying to keep my back straight for prolonged period of time but it would also be nice if it's a sign of clearing a blockage. Any ideas ?

Thanks.

I've heard different people have different Qi color. How do I know which one mine is, and what color should I imagine the Qi to be during meditation.

Thanks.

I understand.

I see. Thanks.

I've been doing that for a while - neck, fingers, spine, ankles etc. Is it generally bad ? Does it result in blockages. I ask because most people will say its not a healthy practice, but then it gives a nice relief. Should I stop ?

Thanks.

I understand. Thank you.

Can you recommend decent feng shui material containing real stuff and not bs e.g. "Feng Shui for your bathroom - Learn to pick the best candles".

Thanks