zinedine

So I don't usual post solicitation for advice but I'd like to help my fiance from an 'aware' point of view rather than a strictly logical point of view - my typical, conditioned, helping-method.

 

I'm a logical thinker and she's much more emotional so we tend to have a rift when things get tough for her. I've tried to show her that the problems she's facing aren't as bad as they seem but that comes off to her as cold and uncaring.

 

She's very clingy and was out with some new friends that are very independent. Long story short they were busting her chops about her calling me a couple of times while they were out having a good time and she's taken it very personally, it's stirred up past memories/emotions/depression.

 

So, does anyone have suggestions on how to help someone without just giving them solutions to problems or minimizing their problems? Pain can be a great teacher so I don't know if it's a good idea to let her work through the suffering or to try to help her through it.

 

Maybe a female perspective could help here?

 

In general I'm finding it very difficult to try to help people with their problems (from being a friend standpoint, I'm not looking to be a psychologist).

 

Thanks for the comments in advance,

-Nate

Hi Nate,

I can tell you as a person who has battled a serious depression off and on is that things get really scary and there can be a lot of shame carried by the depressed and fear of abandonment for not being stronger, more fun, etc. So it becomes much more safe to go into hiding. I will tell you one thing that I will cherish for life those friends that stood by me. They were the ones who were not afraid to just treat me like me. She could probably fear the worst, namely that you will confirm that she's not "normal" or "good enough"...so just talking being there for her (AS IF SHE HAD THE FLU) can be enough support for someone to gain some footing to begin their soul searching journey. It was wonderful to get a call from friends who wanted to talk about baseball and didn't treat me as someone "on their deathbed". I feel like I'm rambling, but the depressed person can become very isolated in their own problems and when the pain becomes so great, that's all there is is the pain...so it can be very helpful to talk about external topics (of any sort) to help her get outside her mind.

Also, I found great help by getting over the shame enough to go out and seek help from groups, therapists, whatever. It's like we almost need to be able to say "as alcoholics do", "Hi I'm Ted and I have depression (I'm not depression-that's not ALL that I "am"...but I HAVE depression and there is no shame in that)....it's key to get over the shame. So, if you want to stick with her you have to be strong. Personally I think you have to behave in a way around her as if you have 110% confidence that she will get better (believe me she will sense if you doubt her abilities - especially if you break down crying, etc in front of her)...but be a pillar of confidence that this will pass and even now the chemicals in her body are changing at rapid pace...and she will gain strength in herself as she sees that "hmmm...others don't seem to treat me as someone who is unworthy, pitiful, etc." At the same time, the reality is that you could have to cry "in the closet" and go through a very difficult time...but if you truly love this person, they will forever love your being there for them at their hardest times. One last thing: the thing that most helps me get by is a phrase from a Recovery Group: "Move your Muscles". When hurting, just do "something"...wash the dishes, walk up the stairs, fold some clothes...just starting action cycles into more action....but you can't unfortunately tell her to "move your muscles", she has to discover that on her own and want to do that as if it is her own choice.

ok...this was a stream of consciousness reply. Hope it helps in some way. If not please ask specific question and I can try to me more concise

Wow! I'm glad that I stumbled across this site. I can "see" a lot of wisdom in the answers that have been given to my post. Thank you all very much. I will take these answers to heart.

Hello all,

I as explained in the Lobby am only a few months into my Taoist studies and Qigong practice. One phrase that my teacher uses all the time is "see and don't see". It confuses the heck out of me and when i have asked usually i don't really understand all that much better. I have read Cultivating Stillness.

I can't, off the top of my head, provide specific examples, but he uses the phrase very broadly. I was wondering if any of you can shed some light onto what this might mean AND secondly, any great reading that you would recommend for someone new to Taoism.

Thanks!

Z

Hello all,

I was doing some research on taoism and google kindly brought up your website. I was glad to see your site and am looking forward to sharing Taoism with you.

I am new to Taoism. I studied buddhism for a number of years and practiced with a group in Missouri. After seeing a QiGong demonstration, I began taking Qigong classes at the beginning of this year, which I really enjoy. As a tangent, the school I take classes at offers a Taoist discussion night. I have been going to these for about two months and it has been an interesting and often "mentally challenging" few months. The only book that I have read thus far on Taoism is "Cultivating Stillness" about Internal Alchemy. Also, we analyze, discuss the Tao Te ching in class.

Anyway...glad to be here...now off to find the right area to ask my question that brought me to the site in the first place.

Z