sunchild

 

May I ask how: old are you? This fog you speak of happened with me also. From as far back as about 24 years old the feeling ever so gradually layered on top of me until hitting a peak at 29.

 

In the beginning it was on and off. Over a few weeks or a month I'd be depressed and had all the same feelings of indifference you describe. However I'd often get a few months reprieve and feel almost normal. At times I could tell myself it was just situational. I had at 24 come out of a dysfunctional relationship and failed in university studies a year or two prior to that. It was just me getting over a hump.

 

But at 25 and 26 it got heavier, and lasted for longer each time (with shorter and shorter times of reprieve). I tried again to tell myself it was situational. I never held jobs and I was lonely. Yet there was always hope I told myself. I was just waiting for something.

 

27 and 28 were really no different. I think I'd just like to tell myself they were worse years because of what happened at 29 (and that I'd spent another couple of years with it not changing).

 

When I reached 29 I came to acceptance. I realised I'd never have the fancy job I'd wanted since youth (or at least that I'd never just snap my fingers and have a degree and fine job applications quickly lined up). I realised that most people I knew were dissapointed in me. I also knew that there was nothing I could really do about it. Better put, I realised that no amount of wishing could change it. The job would come when I found the motivation to do the underlying work and if people were to respect me, sure I could feel confident with that, but I neither needed that respect to feel confident or even particularly wanted to jump through hoops to get it. The fog had kind of morphed itself into calm.

 

Shortly after I turned 30 there was a transformation. A euchatrastrophe. I don't really feel inclined to talk much about it (the point in sharing this was to let you know you're not alone in the mental fog you have). But basically that calm I had was challenged. I had mental disturbance and outbursts of anger. Deep anger (but punctuated anger). What happened with that anger and that mindset was what I'd basically describe as a spiritual death. It was a pronlonged and varied experience with many mental and phsyical symptoms.

 

I can pinpoint to the 'death' to one afternoon that I layed on the couch having visions, but really it has been a 3 year affair. I'm still dying now at 33.

 

What happened with the experience was that the fog didn't dissipate, but dramatically lift (it rose to higher energetic levels). I could talk longer about this lift than I could about the lethargy and depression of the dark years... To try and give a meaning to all this I would quote the following:

 

Between his birth and his latter end, man passes through four chief stages-infancy, adolescence, old age and death. In infancy, the vital force is concentrated, the will is undivided, and the general harmony of the system is perfect. External objects produce no injurious impression, and to the moral nature nothing can be added. In adolescence, the animal passions are wildly exuberant, the heart is filled with rising desires and preoccupations. The man is open to attack by the objects of sense, and thus his moral nature becomes enfeebled. In old age, his desires and preoccupations have lost their keenness, and the bodily frame seeks for repose. External objects no longer hold the first place in his regard. In this state, though not attaining to the perfection of infancy, he is already different from what he was in adolescence. In death, he comes to his rest, and returns to the Absolute.

I am now already different from what I was in adolescence. I already seek for repose. However unlike what it was for me in my 20s, now I can actually achieve it. Where lethargy would dull me, repose now energises me. Not wildly, exuberantly, or really anything like the passion of a teenager or 20 something, but calmly, deeply and meaningfully. I guess I'm slightly more sentimental now. However not wishing for anything.

I could probably talk more, but then it'd just be me boasting. If you are a young person, then I hope what I've said can be an encouraging story. If you're not, well maybe it's of some use anyway.

EDIT: er, i said i was 33 and it that it was a 3 year affair. oops. i'm 32 (33 in 6 months)... So only 2 and half years so far (they feel both short and long)

honestly, i find that possibilty to be pretty terrifying considering what's already transpired.

i'm 25, 33 has been appearing quite a bit in my life these last few months.

with the quote are you suggesting that my brain has just gotten older/matured?

people my age are usually fully immersed in the passions of life

Sunchild,

 

His descriptions of things gone crazy could be of use if any of those symptoms ever kick in... there is also a lot of other material there (an in an organization) to see what may interest you. Besides - more chances of finding someone to talk with that might be able help in some way?

 

Good luck man

i hope they don't. having the top of my head open up to space and 'falling into' other people was a bit overwhelming at times. not to mention the whole perception shift deal. thank you, i hope they can help

i used to be so worried about being 'a jack of all trades, master of none', that i would spend pretty much all my spare time on writing. now i can't even muster that kind of passion for anything.

people think i should be more 'upbeat' when i'm literally living for no reason.

inventing reasons to live every day becomes very problematic

Hi Sunchild.

What you describe is far more common than you maybe imagine so please don't be 'down' on yourself for it.

In mindfulness that 'brain fog' type of thing we call 'autopilot' and more people have it than don't.

Some more than others butbrecognising it is half way to addressing it.

Med school student blog piece here on 'autopilot' and there's more on the Mindfulness sites.

https://sqonline.ucsd.edu/2014/04/mindfulness-and-the-dangers-of-autopilot/

Hope that helps and all good wishes to you for every success.

thank you, but this does not apply to my current situation.

You are not alone.

 

Im like this almost all the time too.

 

The only difference is that i have learnt to enjoy it, and why not... every aspect of life, from the professional to the personal, has been exceeeedingly amazing because when something demands my attention, there is nothing there to obstruct me giving a 110% of it. And when its over, its over -- no loose ends anywhere.

 

The only thing i can suggest is to change the way you are responding to this, and to learn how to snap out of this non-state when you have to. For example, when you are with your girlfriend, BE with her fully... try not to go all hazy on her... there are other more appropriate moments for that. If you cannot do this, then it becomes an obstacle. If you can, then it becomes a blessing. When you are walking, let the walk be everything

 

With the right attitude, you will master yourself and learn how to switch on and switch off at will. Its really fantastic cos after you put this into practice, gradually your worries will fade away, you can fall asleep within seconds while others usually struggle with it, you can be present, aware and alert, whatever you will be doing you will notice a heightened attentiveness, and last but not least, you will get to drop that sense of self-absorbed, spaced-out, over-indulgent concept of who and what you are by way of directing attention out towards whatever your senses happen to tap into. For example, when you are eating, or when its warm, or perhaps when you are being drawn away from being aware, be present to all of that, and so on. Its an exercise to draw attention and focus back from 'there' back to 'here'.

 

Actually, 'here' and 'there' has no separation at all, but if we confound ourselves with imaginings, then the separation becomes real, and we find ourselves thinking that we are screwed. Happily, that is a flawed premise built by the ego. Nothing is ever flawed nor not flawed -- until we learn to put a stop to our conditioned mind performing juggling acts all the time, it will be quite a task to see this clearly.

thank you for these words. i've had the 'right attitude' towards it before when i was practicing candle gazing/trataka, life was very beautiful/vivid- it still is unusually vivid. it's just hard to feel like i'm living most of the time, the contrast between my thoughts/lifestyles and that of my peers/surroundings is stark, or even want to live any longer.

i just don't see the point anymore. i can't bring myself to feel as passionately for anything as i have in the past, like you stated 'when its over its over', as soon as i finish something i'm interested in i suddenly go back to being detached from it. oftentimes the small bit of excitement i can muster burns itself out Quickly. i've lost every interest/hobby i had in the past, my life has no meaning anymore, there's simply nothing else i want to do here.

i know life is beautiful and i see it all around me, i just do not care for it anymore.

thank you again, hopefully i'll wake up tomorrow with a new positive outlook on life.

Sounds like you could use a real expert - that are not to easy to come by! Have you read some of the Kopi Krishna material?

 

(it's on the web)

no i have not. i have heard extremely brief summations of what he writes about his kundalini experience, namely the agonies. do you think i would benefit from his writings? i thought most of them would be non-applicable as according to most people who've commented on it, i haven't had a 'full' awakening- no spontaneous kriyas or anything like that.

all of this started happening around the time of my 'kundalini arousal', where i felt so many of my preconceived notions being lifted from my perception. i feel more sensitive about things i never have before, and i know that has to do with my self-imposed isolation. but i also feel the isolation further stripping my ability to cope with life.

when i meet people who at least have an idea what is going on with me, i'm a little relieved, but most of the time they try to make out what's happening to be some sort of blessing or 'special power', but i honestly think its something i've been cursed with. i don't see the good in something thats destroyed my life.

i'm glad i didn't get the 'full service'.

i've really struggled with mental foginess these last couple years, and recently it only seems to be getting worst. i'll have moments of extreme insight, intuition wise or recalling a very distant memory, only to be followed by a heavy mental fog. at times it feel like i am, although i detest the term, 'mentally retarded'. most of the time i'm not thinking of anything at all, rather i'm just being 'present' i guess.

it irritated my girlfriend dozens of times-

"what are you thinking about?"

"nothing."

"yes you are, its impossible to think about nothing"

at this point everything i took interest in in my personal life has sort of 'faded', there's a tangible detached feeling whenever i try to 'reignite the spark' in anyone of my past interests art, music, especially writing. as much as i miss it, i can't seem to 'care' for it anymore. i no longer have a burning desire, for anything really. it makes me sad because i was a decent writer/poet, but now it seems like my condition mentally/spiritually is in a state of decomposition. i can't seem to 'care' anymore.

i've seen how taken aback people are when i have a moment of clarity or if i have 'something to say', i think it has to do with me walking around in a fog all the time and never saying much besides short answers and odd noises, but then suddenly becoming articulate and spoken.

my interest in most 'worldly' things/my surroundings has completely disappeared. i wouldn't mind it so much, if that didn't sap the remaining meaning out of what i call my life.

i'm not suicidal, i'm very grateful, there's just nothing else i can see myself doing or wanting in this life and i am ready to die.

i don’t get sad anymore, if i do i have to be really swept away by it or thinking about it a lot which is rare for just about anything. throughout the day i’m for the most part indifferent unless someone really engages me mentally/energetically. music doesn’t even move me like it used to, it actually hurts my brain when i feel really 'clear'- especially music that has words, that is the worst.

the fog is so hard to describe, but every day i wake up its like a brand new day/like i was literally just born, i guess its because i don’t have stress/trivia/negativity on my mind all day anymore. i see the crazy passion for life/goals other people have and i overstand it, it’s just weird seeing it in others and not myself anymore. makes me feel like i’m missing a piece sometimes. my 'life' currently is very neutral, disimpassioned.

some people i know get mad at me for not constantly thinking bout them(obsession/'love') or not having ‘big goals’(circus acts) for myself anymore. but honestly i barely think anymore, most of what i do/write/say is pure instinct/intuition.

it really hurts sometimes. all the things i used to be excited for in life are gone(except jalpeno chips), all the things i was talented at i no longer care for, all of the old 'deep' thoughts i loved having rarely surface anymore. i feel so detached from almost everything around me. and it hurts worse than it ever has because im pretty sure this girl i love/(loved?) has gotten a taste of the emptiness inside of me, that makes me sad. her life has been hard enough without me in it slowly loosing touch with everything/everyone around me through our relationship.

i feel like i'm missing a piece of my soul. like i've escaped something i shouldn't have and it desperately wants me back.

something isn't right about this. i really feel like i'm being punished. this fog/empty headedness has gone on for so long now, its starting to scare me.

i've had thoughts regarding the practicality of energy work and working to access more subtle levels of energy recently. mainly the accidental adoption of the energy/thoughts of people around me, i felt 'wrong' at times. when i attempted to explain my spiritual practice to someone close to me, they voiced how they thought i was getting into 'satanic'/'dark' things, which isn't my intention at all :/ needless to say i was pretty distraught. i came across this article earlier today and it resonated with a few thoughts i have been milling over for the last couple of days.

i would love to know your thoughts on this

http://www.kheperu.org/vampirism/metavamp7.html

From browsing the web I see there is a school out there using the term "zero point", it also has some Mr. G. stuff, along with other mixes thrown in. (I only took a very brief look but saw several depressive, conspiracy type articles) If you are tuning into that or something similar it could be linked to some of what you described as feeling earlier. (?)

 

Madness is only in the mind, along with other things. Spirit can not be taken over by such although it can more or less be veiled by same for an "x" amount of time. Btw, I wouldn't suggest newer students mentate on much of the "fragments" of the 4th way stuff since most of what is commonly being taught (imo) is not backed by realized teachers, thus it's often open to all sorts of corruption or de-volvement, (just as its Law of Seven describes) that is until one has a spiritual anchor that can not be broken and which will help one see the half-lies and half-truths on a coin (so to speak) for what they are and keep such in perspective to the greater Truth of Spirit.

 

Extending ones thoughts to much or to often into the future (or past) can also bring about symptoms of madness since we have to stand up right now, with our feet firmly on the ground.

 

Best wishes man...

not really, it was just a term i just 'came up with' recently to describe the feeling when i feel like i'm sitting in the middle of my head.

i really do appreciate your help as i find you learned from your speech,

i'm just not sure if i should be anymore. i don't feel suicidal, just this ever expanding emptiness filling my life. it really hurts sometimes, it gets really bad. i don't do anything anymore but work and when i'm not working i'm laying in bed. today my only friend, my girlfriend, left me. and i just am and it hurts so much. i feel like something took part of my soul away, i don't really enjoy anything not that i have anyone to share it with anymore. it just hurts so much and i'm not used to it. i've lost interest in nearly everything. i just work and sleep now. i try to be strong and do whats right the best i can but its like it doesnt even matter at all. i really appreciate your help, but i don't know if i can be helped anymore. i've lost everything and everything that made me who i was. i'm really sad.

---

Sounds like inner changes going on. Nothing wrong with that especially as you see most of them as positive. Nothing wrong with logical thinking either. Gotta' get your sense of humor back though. No, you don't need laugh at the pain or misfortune of others. (A lot of people do that and I find that sad.)

 

3bob hit the other part of your post so I won't speak to that.

 

Best wishes during this time of readjustments.

i'm sure some form of inner change is about, i'm just not entirely sure if its for the better to be honest

I suggest that at least a spiritual or wise type of hero be thought about and that could be almost anyone...,

also a simple but strong prayer or mantra that you really believe in can be repeated and concentrated upon when strange thoughts seem to come to you uninvited....

 

If you're not doing all the little and or so called worldly things as if they matter then do so - since they do for you - thus not just for being nice to family, friends, etc. if that is happening?

im trying/doing that. i recite the lords prayer mentally throughout the day. when i'm in contemplation and i'm 'in control' i use words like christ or god to come back to what i refer t as 'zero point'

my thoughts throughout the day, even under strain and influence of negativity in the work environment, have become increasingly "positive" and few. this is 'good' and well for my family, employees and most relations. they find my attitudes, words and actions helpful and 'surprisingly' pleasant for the most part. i've often heard our existence as humans described as autonomous for the most part, but i've never really felt that sentiment applied to my life until now- months after what i considered to be a time of 'much learning'. ha, speaking of ha, my sense of humor has wilted to something unrecognizable. i can see where jokes are meant to be 'funny' and where i 'should' laugh, but it simply doesn't strike me as logical or humane. it's as if most around me desperately urge myself and others to laugh at the shortcomings/pain of others and their own in some odd sadistic therapeutic i don't know. it's all very surreal. i feel like a shell of myself, but i am fully present. much of my knowing seems to drop right out of the air. i don't think any near as much as i used to. i've written about my personal loss of personality, interests in the past here, but it's growing in intensity every day. all this is considered normal here so this is not what i will dwell upon.

what i have labeled as problematic are my thoughts that arise as i awake and as i depart to sleep. they've grown so fantastic. many times with very dark undertones or with seemingly no undertones or congruence at all(random?). thoughts will come in sometimes what appears as someone elses conversation, like a scene from a film i've never watched. thoughts come as musings pertaining to things i've given little or no thought at all to. the thoughts at times seem to be coming from somewhere other than myself/personal headspace/brain. many times i can't remember/retrieve these fantastical/thoughts musings, i can only recall the skeleton of the notions at best.

oftentimes as i lay in contemplation or as i lay to sleep, my thoughts feel as though they no longer are mine, like some alien force is occupying my being or that i've been inducted into its hive mind. 'soul loss' is a term i think applies to much of my experience.

it is all very surreal at this point.

anyways.

the 'banging/knocking' still persists.

they've tapered off to loud single knocks.

i've noticed them follow me to other rooms of the home i live in, other peoples houses and even stores out in public.

people around me, including my family have begun to notice them.

what is strange is that as of late they are even sounding from the ceilings of places and appliances (especially refrigerators, lightbulbs making a 'popping' noise when i'm around them')

i no longer think it is something i made up, my mother was quite shaken the other night, as they've become Loud.

why do cars trail in my vision so often? some days it seems to 'lighten up' a bit, then on others it's full blown and reminiscent of my k-arousal/'mania' episode.

my eyes became sensitive over a period, i thought it would go away, but it seems that even in viewing things for a very brief period i'm left with a clear afterimage- being on a computer for extended periods feels like pouring vodka through my eyes into my brain

**have you ever been walking through the store and it feels as though you have this huge velcro bubble around you and people keep sticking to it as they pass by?

Well everybody's gotta have a hobby Sunchild.

Seriously dude you need to get over yourself.

The world doesn't revolve around how bad you feel and only you can deal with that.

Bleating about your woes on here aint gonna mend anything.

that's part of the emptiness. i don't enjoy any of the crafts/hobbies that i used to. i feel very detached. oftentimes i feel this unshakeable mental dullness, that settled in after my habits/identity/interests started falling away.

i am over myself, that's part of why i made my original post.

i'm well aware the world doesn't revolve around me, i'm not so juvenile as to hold a solipsistic worldview.

when i made my original post, i made sure to include the tag "venting".

i didn't ask to be born in america.

liminal_luke you have my respect. it is my hope that you find peace regarding your situation/past.

do not blame yourself or feel responsible for any of my actions. i am capable of reasoning and action.

In some Western traditions, detachment and depersonalization is only an intermediate step. Physical, mental, and emotional mastery frees one from all the "junk" and prepares one for willed self-creation and higher enlightenment, but union with oneness or void is not seen as a desirable endpoint for the existence in the here and now; further cultivating of enthusiasm and self-creating is necessary to make the most of a social life that participates in the world and enjoys it instead of shunning it, so one aims to build new ego masks for the purpose of enjoying life through them, without becoming completely lost in them: the enlightened element being the ability to step back and detach from a mask, to create a new one, to return to the void to ground oneself but also to individuate by intentionally developing the ego , and hopefully to experience the here and now with more joy, enthusiasm, and substance as a result of individuating beyond the shell that resides in oneness with the void.

"egoic masks". a magician told me about this before. he said it was an important aspect of his artistic process.

thank you

Btw, I've verified this just as anyone else can - but I wouldn't suggest doing so right now, better to give thanks to the Earth Soul and her sacrifice so that we may all walk right

you're very smart and articulate.

i don't see why i would/should be thankful for something i simply do not want. something i haven't entirely wanted for a while. "her sacrifice", if anything for the most part we as a race loot and plunder her with not so much as a passing sense of remorse or guilt- just a self-righteous feeling of entitlement. hence her condition.

thank you for illustrating the bigger picture to me, so it won't be a surprise.

seeing my last statements, i don't know why anyone felt the need to comment any further.

not "buying into" society won't stop me from having to buy a house, establish a career path/source of income.

i like hurting myself because it allows me to feel closer to death than i already am. a more agreeable illusion, ha.

you could walk, you could run

set sail to a foreign land

only to be greeted by yourself on the shore

open hands

call and label me whatever you'd like,

it couldn't make me care any less about life.

:) :) :)

hcum os lla uoy knaht

...

In my mid to late twenties I had no money, no home, no career, no vehicle etc.

 

I had a very modest job working admin in a Hyundai car dealership, even though I had no driver's licence!

 

I did have a PC with internet connection dough.

 

And a nice fiancee whom I lived with.

 

And lotz of books on religion, spirituality, mysticism and philosophy.

 

Turnz out I had all I ever needed.

 

Shame the way the fiancee turned out.

 

You can't have everything.

 

Sometimes you can't have what you want.

 

But you get what you need.

...

i really do appreciate you sharing, especially the "sometimes you can't have what you want, but you get what you need" sentiment- it's been a reoccurring theme over the past week for me.

but i don't want to waste you or anyone else's time.

honestly, today about 3-4 hours ago i gave up. i have given up. i'm just going to hurt myself. wait for death.

you all are outstanding humans, thank you for your help/concern.

Hi Sunchild,

 

This thread was brought to my attention by someone with honest concerns for you. I had to read the entire thread so that I would know the cause of where the discussion is at the present moment.

 

You know what is interesting? Reading the story (your posts as well as the posts from all others), caused me to reflect on Albert Camus' life. A great writer - given credit for that. A great philosopher - not given fair credit for that.

 

At one point in time in his life he was exactly where you were in your opening post. His conclusion: "Life is absurd!" No point in human life. Nothing matters.

 

But, upon reflection he came to the realization that even though life is absurd it is still very much worth living. Very much worth having the experiences of interacting with as much as the rest of creation as possible.

 

 

So you did, with intent, get to the state of being that you are currently in. Yes, I will repeat that. You did it with intent. You wanted to depersonalize your life. Feels shitty, doesn't it?

 

Being a writer has nothing to do with your present moment so we need not talk about that.

 

The (un)spiritual path you followed to get to where you are, I would say, is fucked up. It is my very strong opinion that whenever we deny our emotions we are fucking up. We should Never, Ever, EVER try depersonalizing our life!

 

Chuang Tzu was a very emotional guy. One can tell that just from his writings. No need to have known the man. He loved. He danced. He got lost fishing on the bank of the river and he didn't even have any bait on his hook.

 

I am trying very hard to not pass any judgements here in what I am saying because I don't have enough of "your story" to be able to do that. But what I will say is that if the path you followed has brought you only hardship then you were/are on the wrong path for you (it may be a good path of others).

 

I offer no other advice at the moment beyond what I have already presented.

 

(Song playing here at the moment is, "Don't You Need Somebody to Love?")

 

We all need somebody to love even if it just ourself.

 

Please take the time to look at the causes of the events that brought you where you are now. Then, value judgement. Good or bad?

 

Be well and take care.

thank you Marblehead for the refreshing perspective.

you are absolutely correct, this is a situation of my own making.

i'm honestly sick and tired of putting humpty dumpty back together. i am fucking sick and tired of life. oh sure i could work at it and get better, maybe even get over the only woman i loved leaving me or not having anyone to speak to besides the internet, maybe even get my career/life started, but you know what- it'd probably fall the fuck apart all over again and probably worse than it ever has before. fuck it. i don't care. i wish myself a speedy death. i really appreciate your post and the effort/intent behind it though, thank you

ps- i don't mind you passing judgement at all, your aim seems fairly sincere. i am a fucked up inept piece of shit with no future

i won't bother any of you anymore