sunchild

i really do appreciate you sharing, especially the "sometimes you can't have what you want, but you get what you need" sentiment- it's been a reoccurring theme over the past week for me. but i don't want to waste you or anyone else's time. honestly, today about 3-4 hours ago i gave up. i have given up. i'm just going to hurt myself. wait for death. you all are outstanding humans, thank you for your help/concern.

thank you Marblehead for the refreshing perspective. you are absolutely correct, this is a situation of my own making. i'm honestly sick and tired of putting humpty dumpty back together. i am fucking sick and tired of life. oh sure i could work at it and get better, maybe even get over the only woman i loved leaving me or not having anyone to speak to besides the internet, maybe even get my career/life started, but you know what- it'd probably fall the fuck apart all over again and probably worse than it ever has before. fuck it. i don't care. i wish myself a speedy death. i really appreciate your post and the effort/intent behind it though, thank you ps- i don't mind you passing judgement at all, your aim seems fairly sincere. i am a fucked up inept piece of shit with no future i won't bother any of you anymore

mid twenties. you know that time of "life" where you should be most "alive". that time when you should be established within society. that time when you should be well on your career path. that time when you should have your own place. that time when you should be exploring your world. that time when you should be meeting new people and learning. does that answer satisfy?

well said. it just becomes quite tiring, the 'believing', the 'living'. i don't particularly want to die, but i haven't a reason to live anymore. i think i engage in self destructive acts around these times because it temporarily relieves me of the stress of living a meaningless existence, as it draws my attention/focus elsewhere, and that it brings me that much closer to death. i used to think suicide was something that could be "worked up to"- now, i think it just happens once you've had enough. honestly, i don't want to live anymore. losing my last friend shot my optimism. death murder suicide, it's all the same right. same source right. all is one right. all going to the same place right.

"among those suffering chronic mood difficulties".. you mean like everyone? feeling good "exponentially" doesn't seem too realistic or balanced. they just do it without "self"... doesn't sound humanly possible. "gurus have a good time"... could you specify please? i haven't heard of gurus doing much else but trying to "teach" others to erase there sense of self/personality to the point of most of them becoming "exponentially" happy subservient slaves of a hive mind variety that only seem to be concerned with "enlightening" others as they are and "healing" others with varying techniques- they like to keep it all very "positive".

that's most likely what happened.

i don't think "fun"/"happiness" is something to be had/revel in, in this world. i don't think we are here for any of that. this world feels more like hell everyday, especially with all the new technology. if most of the people here are only achieving peace of mind/happiness through methods of detaching from the world around us, what does that say about the world. perpetual pain, suffering, war and loss... the thing i find most interesting about many people who've had a spiritual experience, or reached a certain level of attainment- is that their main focus in life afterwards is almost purely spiritual. it's like they can't return

dogs love me. i don't really care about many things i used to do. it is all so trivial/inconsequential now. i like to write, but i've had no motivation for months- the most writing i do is on here seeking advice/attention for my latest spiritual/mental crisis. so the 'demotivation' i can relate to, but as of now the 'depression' has taken an exit in favor of indifference. life has become highly impersonal and empty. i don't really care what floats my boat anymore, because it's like i don't have one anyway.

i don't believe you. so i should so narrowly focus on something that i selfishly desire, to the point where 'the bigger picture' becomes obscured and all that i can see is exploding pixie sticks and unicorns? i guess that's what most people are doing. or it could have nothing to do with that. "you are loved"- i believe you are simply projecting onto me, it is all so pointless.. so many people speaking and yet there is rarely, if ever, a genuine conversation taking place i don't need someone attempting to coach me on how to be a more non-functional member of society, i am quite capable of the feat myself. when i created a thread about how my writing was affecting my daily life as if i was 'scripting' it. i began to see the depth of this 'illusion' and i quite desperately wanted to return to my past self/mainly my world views and 'personality' of past. i took your comment personally, my mistake. but i would rather you not assault my character with word/thoughtforms bearing such negative connotations, seeing as i do not do so unto you.

point taken, although rarely partaken. use of marijuana on average is 1-2 a month, maybe less. just might be an alien. still unsure of that sentiment. it seems as though source/creator/tao/yhwh is fairly indifferent to human life as a whole, it's more of a 'business transaction'. we being the means to an end. all very impersonal. easier when not in the midst of the world/american society throwing out the bathwater for now. taking up contemplative prayer and a better attitude. stimpy don't ever call me cypher again.

time to give up.

life is more beautiful to me now, although with an overpowering observer perspective. the whole muted emotions thing, my desire/passion is now a husk, Dreams are gone and i don't dream at night. i'm not sure if we are supposed to enjoy life here anymore

i don't understand what other process you could be addressing, when people speak of the "I", i find what i described is usually what they are speaking about. could you please be more descriptive?

hahaha seems as though kasuku has beat me to the post button i find this process interesting, i'll look into it further. i find your post about the earth to be quite condescending. especially considering the nature of this forum.

i believe you took my statement as literal. when i said that, i meant as far self-indentification goes. an aspirant going from being stuck within the illusion of I/ego with all of it's trappings/suffering, to them gradually identifying with/"dissolving into" 'all' their surroundings and seeing the world as an extension of themselves. self-realization. there are users here who have attained such to a degree. the state i was referring to is know as nirvikalpa samadhi. i appreciate this quote and teacher- "Samadhi is as the ocean to which all Sadhana flows. The seven streams of Yama, Niyama, Asana, Pranayama, Prathyahara, Dharana and Dhyana all find their consummation in it. Every trace of name and Form disappear in that Ocean. He who serves and He who receives the service, he who meditates and He who is meditated upon, all such duality is dispelled and destroyed. One will not experience even the experience, that is to say, one will not be aware that he is experiencing! Oneself alone, naught else - that will be the Samadhi. If there is aught else, it cannot be Samadhi. It is something like a dream, a fantasy, a passing vision at best. Samadhi can admit of nothing other than Brahman. - Sathya Sai Baba.

i believe you can/do reach a point on the spiritual path where the "I" is dissolved into the "All", there are many teachings/descriptions of the process available from an array of different paths/schools/religions. ^**i believe it occurs during an advanced stage of samadhi, but i'm not completely sure**^ i think that sharing ones practice/results therein with others not only dissipates energy, using breath, but tends to fall into the arena of egoistic boasting, instead of teaching. sometimes. i also think that sharing results in the loss of will/the single-pointedness(concentration) required to advance through some stages of the spiritual path. this is all in my opinion i can relate to the energy surge while reading spiritual texts, i don't think it was shen though :/ but during a time of intense cultivation last year my energy would go absolutely haywire whenever i tried reading through certain prayers/texts. that bit about africa is interesting. thank you for sharing

the meditative advances i've made recently, have seemed to manifest into my day-to-day routine outside of my spiritual practices. it's like the more "progress" i'm make, the more inept i'm slowly becoming at holding "normal" conversations with those around me. waving with a greeting in mind already is one thing, but to sit down and hold "light"/casual conversation is beginning to seem like pure cognitive dissonance. it's like my mind is a lot more calm than it has been in the past, to be completely honest it feels quite empty sometimes- which is what makes me feel so inept sometimes and "very boring". i don't have those fantastical daydreams or crude far-reaching jokes anymore. which is odd because whenever the conversation calls for "deeper"/philosophic thought, i instantly just start rambling coherent sentences that surprise me sometimes, but small talk is becoming harder to take up- it kind of worries me now. this is most noticeable in my relationship (deteriorating) because of this and my "changes" i've been going through. i feel it's somewhat due to the isolation- many things my mind seems to have "dropped" on its own accord. has this happened to anyone else? any advice?

thank you for that thorough critique. i am taking up qigong soon (probably sfq) as well as mouni sadhu's "concentration". just have to save up a little what does this mean in terms a novice can understand? is there an immediate solution? you are advanced.

throughout the internet are discussions/examples of hair and how it is thought to affect the neurosystem/psychic centers of a person. so i thought why not have one here i've heard of groups such as the native americans and indian sadhus claim that their long hair is directly correlated to their states of heightened awareness. i've also heard of groups like the druids and tibetan monks keeping their head shaved to attain a higher and also "clearer" states of heightened awareness. do any of you have experiences in which you think your hair length may have been directly correlated with certain states of awareness? or are you of the belief that hair length does not affect the pursuit/attainment of greater awareness? i'm excited to hear from you all

i've been shaving my head bald for the last couple weeks, and i've noticed a clarity that wasn't present before. i'm not sure if this is just gradual meditative advancement or if in some part due to my 'new hair' throughout the waking hours i feel much more aware of my surroundings and the people within them. a new level of 'connectivity', but also a marked detachment. my thinking has been noticeably 'sharper' than before, people around me have also suggested as much to me. i just want to investigate this further before i jump to any rash conclusions. i'm learning not to jump to conclusions i appreciate you all giving your input, i hope there's more to come **i'll report back with any more articles/material i see as pertinent to the matter

i've heard that story about the native recruits before, it's very interesting i think their sudden drop in awareness could possibly be tied into what seeker of tao stated, as far as attaching them attaching certain characteristics to their hair/image of self. _________________________________________________________________________________________ !!!, this is news to me. i'll look into this further

true will is forged in the fires of hell

i was recommended to start an energy practice and every recommendation i received was a form of qigong. now the thing that particularly bothered me about these suggestions was that the recommendation was always followed up by a gentle push to get an in person teacher. now i have no money or transportation. so upon me looking for more practices that didn't necessarily require a teacher, i arrived at the middle pillar book by regardie. i went out and found it at a used bookstore in the city. now what i'm wondering, is beginning the lbrp (eventually the middle pillar), a sufficient replacement for an internal energy practice? from what i've gleaned from the practice so far it seems to be a sound method, and works through blockages to eventually cleanly distribute energy and open up channels. my plan is to begin practicing this book while slowly working towards getting into full lotus pose (hopefully by the end of this year) is this a legitimate substitute for more mainstream energy practices? are there any drawbacks or negatives i should be aware of before proceeding?