Dark night of the soul

[Agape]

Ram Dass wrote 'you are closest to the light when it is most dark'.

 

I have this on and off nearly all the time these days but worse in spurts. I realised recently though that having a creative outlet offers me great cathartic release such that it makes me feel alive again. The main problem I believe is that, no longer valuing the socially conditioned forms of 'entertainment' or just the whole materialist lifestyle, even strictly pushing them away, I am left with a big rift. At the same time I still haven't found a spiritual practice that I have got much out of yet. I am stuck in a nihilistic twilight zone. I of course can't go back to that way of living, but I don't yet have the bearings to go on.

 

In Jungian terms I think this is my unconscious getting pissed off that I've cut it out, and it is knocking at the door with a vengeance! smile.gif

 

I find meditation boring/troublesome and rarely stick to it for more than a day or two, however as the saying goes, necessity is the mother of invention, so I will likely force myself. I also do tai chi, however this is inadequate at the moment as you have to learn all the 'moves' before getting any effective gains from it. This is why I like Zen, straight to the point, no messing about. I think I'll just concentrate on 'just sitting' as when I DO bother with it, I always find some sort of easing up of the pressure.

 

It is getting really bad as, in this 'in between' phase, I'm like a dead man to most people in society. Because I've deliberately shunned their value system of empty materialism I come off like a total antisocial bastard. I have very little time for the average 'peon'. I know this is a poor attitude to have if I hope to live in society at large for any continuing period of time but it is what it is (I do want to stay in society as well, as I'm not finished with it yet, I just have to reconcile these issues).

 

This is most acute with my parents as they think that I hate them now as whenever I see them or talk to them on the phone I am totally detached and never want to partake in anything. I have no idea how to explain this to them either because if I tried to explain all this they would just get excitable and give me alot of bad advice only aggravating the situation or get worried etc. I am extremely detached and avoidant thus far, like someone who's just had a lobotomy which is not going to be a long term solution as I can see them becoming more and more disheartened and deflated with my avoidant strategies. I feel I also have no energy for this 'loving kindness' stuff, that just seems out of the question in my current state. I don't really give a shit, but I also know that I have to reconcile it with my parents, and others to an extent, as this is 'impractical'.

[rain]

hi

 

just found your post. some part of me resonates. from time to time.

two suggestions;

-find someone to learn from.

-total consequence. find something to be disciplined with on daily basis.

something that you find strenouous that is not done for catharsis to gratify yourself.

Edited December 26, 2008 by rain

[Stigweard]

Just another phase on the journey. Fairly typical when the knots of one world view are unravelling and the new vision has yet to become clear. Can I suggest to simply enjoy the phase as it is and remember that "this to shall pass".

 

[rain]