Cadcam

Psychotic behavior resulting from occult study.

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I was always a minor dabbler in occult and mystical things, casually reading and adopting different magical ideas, but then a spirit got ahold of me and I stumbled into serious belief, yet, I did not know what to believe.  I started searching and what I found led me to pain and madness. I found myself living out ideas that evolved on their own, and started overlaying my daily waking awareness mixing with dream and fantasy. I would act out in response to the hallucinations. Eventually these fantasies would break, and I'd wind up in a deep depression. This has been going on for 20 plus years, and after this last psychosis, I think I have broken this curse, because all of the ideas and experiences culminated in a total breakdown. Crossing my fingers.

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3 minutes ago, Cadcam said:

… I think I have broken this curse …


That’s great. :) 
 

 

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42 minutes ago, Cadcam said:

and after this last psychosis, I think I have broken this curse, because all of the ideas and experiences culminated in a total breakdown. Crossing my fingers.

 

Well done.  When was the last episode?

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4 hours ago, Cadcam said:

I was always a minor dabbler in occult and mystical things, casually reading and adopting different magical ideas, but then a spirit got ahold of me and I stumbled into serious belief, yet, I did not know what to believe.  I started searching and what I found led me to pain and madness. I found myself living out ideas that evolved on their own, and started overlaying my daily waking awareness mixing with dream and fantasy. I would act out in response to the hallucinations. Eventually these fantasies would break, and I'd wind up in a deep depression. This has been going on for 20 plus years, and after this last psychosis, I think I have broken this curse, because all of the ideas and experiences culminated in a total breakdown. Crossing my fingers.

 

A belief is something we construct when we don't have personal experiential knowledge. I would say that ALL beliefs are a kind of psychosis, being that they never represent bare, naked reality. Even if you and I believe in the same occult, mystical, deist, unity-based, you-name-it belief system what you think it means and what I think it means will be colored by our personal story and biases.

 

Better to hold beliefs lightly, and pay more attention to what can be apprehended directly, in my opinion.

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Last episode ended about two months ago.

 

Yes, I no longer hold much to be true, or absolute. 

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Posted (edited)
14 hours ago, Cadcam said:

… I no longer hold much to be true, or absolute. 


Excellent, that’s the starting point. Only after that, one can choose to belief in something (my advice, pick something positive).

 

 

Edited by Cobie
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6 hours ago, Cobie said:


Excellent, that’s the starting point. Only after that, one can choose to belief in something (my advice, pick something positive).

 

 

 

 

Wonderful Cobie, wonderful !

 

When I studied Comparative religion at Uni the first few units where about belief  ... all sorts of things about it . You cant study comparative religion without understanding how it works and what roles it plays .

 

many students got up and walked out  ( they had to do the course as a pre requisite to further seminal studies to become pastors, etc .)  They could not accept that their beliefs may not be 'reality'  nor other beliefs  might be 'right' . In short ,they could not find 'objectivity ' .

 

Once on this site I stated that my belief about creation was that it all comes from the dreaming of a giant snake underground . Another poster went off and called me all sorts of insulting names . I tried to explain ... its just a belief system I choose , it doesnt represent my ultimate view on things    , if I am asked about that and creation ;   " Dunno .... its a 'mystery ' .

 

He didnt get it and continued on with insults ... until he got modded  " Do not mock or insult others belief systems ."  he still didnt get it .... probably thinks the mods are crazy  'snake worshipers' as well   ;) 

 

For a while , someone addressed this idea by forming 'The religion of the Month  Club' where each month members practiced various belief systems / religions .  The results are rather interesting .

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In order for these things to carry weight, one has to have a religious mind, which, while I see the pleasure of it, I now call a mental illness.

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6 hours ago, Nungali said:

Wonderful Cobie, wonderful !


Thank you. :)
 

 

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6 hours ago, Nungali said:

… all comes from the dreaming of a giant snake underground . …


It does! (snake = penis) 

 

 

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On 7/7/2024 at 8:50 PM, Cadcam said:

Last episode ended about two months ago.

 

Yes, I no longer hold much to be true, or absolute. 

 

The first year will be important milestone.  But after that, you will have probably anchored and sealed your recovery.

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5 hours ago, Cadcam said:

In order for these things to carry weight, one has to have a religious mind, which, while I see the pleasure of it, I now call a mental illness.

 

A perfectly valid point of view.

 

There's other ways to feed the mind... or not.  Daosim is great because it has a physical exercise component which many practice.  Some consider it religious or spiritual, but, it's not necessary.  It also has a non-religious philosophical component.

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5 hours ago, Cobie said:

It does! (snake = penis) 

 

You're a bit fixated on this?

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A decent video on how to tell the difference between psychological problems and occult/entity interference. 

 

 

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13 hours ago, Cadcam said:

In order for these things to carry weight, one has to have a religious mind, which, while I see the pleasure of it, I now call a mental illness.

 

It might not be .  many religious people lead otherwise balanced, full and happy lives . Jung added a 4th natural 'instinct' to the 3 Freud talked about  ; the religious instinct .

 

A mental 'illness' , by definition, is something that causes adverse function ..... if that isn't there ....  who cares if one talks to fairies or Gods .

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13 hours ago, Cobie said:


It does! (snake = penis) 

 

 

 

Like my dear old Grandad said to me ;

 

" Son, you see a hole in the ground .... dont go sticking your dick in it !  "

 

- best advice I ever got ! 

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On 7/7/2024 at 9:45 PM, stirling said:

 

A belief is something we construct when we don't have personal experiential knowledge. I would say that ALL beliefs are a kind of psychosis, being that they never represent bare, naked reality. Even if you and I believe in the same occult, mystical, deist, unity-based, you-name-it belief system what you think it means and what I think it means will be colored by our personal story and biases.

 

Better to hold beliefs lightly, and pay more attention to what can be apprehended directly, in my opinion.

 

"A belief is something we construct"
yes and or no.

 

bare naked reality is only known (so to speak) by bare naked reality, thus not by the mind where it does not exist except as another concept.  To crossover is not to bring the mind along to the side of "bare naked reality"  since it can not pass there and still remain.  

To quote again from Chapter 43 of the TTC:  "Only Nothing can enter into no-space".  Few of us are ready, myself included, for such dissolution of our personal mind to no-thing. 

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3 hours ago, old3bob said:

"A belief is something we construct"
yes and or no.

 

Yes. Even someone else's belief that we adopt ends up colored by our personal biases, fears and hopes. This is how something like a book about the life of Jesus can be turned into reasons not to be loving and compassionate. 

 

Quote

bare naked reality is only known (so to speak) by bare naked reality, thus not by the mind where it does not exist except as another concept.  To crossover is not to bring the mind along to the side of "bare naked reality"  since it can not pass there and still remain.  

To quote again from Chapter 43 of the TTC:  "Only Nothing can enter into no-space". 

 

I agree with you here.

 

A good teacher will demonstrate to the student what "bare naked reality" (or "awareness") is, vs. the (m)ind, or (s)elf. Once seen, any meditator with a month or so of good practice will be able to identify which is which and learn to drop their process of obscuring BNR/awareness with some difficulty. Learning to allow being ("nothing") to naturally arise in experience isn't impossible, or even that hard compared to most human endeavors, but having the fortitude to actually learn how, inexplicably, IS. 

 

Quote

Few of us are ready, myself included, for such dissolution of our personal mind to no-thing. 

 

That's fear talking. The thing is, BNR/awareness is ALWAYS here. It isn't something special, it is something entirely commonplace. When your mind is quiet and still, and you stare at a sunset and are speechless, THAT is it! It arises and is rested in ALL the time. As for the "personal mind", it doesn't go anywhere, your relationship to it does. You see it for what it has always been, just another sensory input, not the "self" you thought you were.  It eventually has the same importance as any other phenomena happening in the field of experience. 

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no, if it it used in the way or context as a pointer based on 1st hand experience,  thus not just blind faith/belief.  (as it sounds like you also implied?)

 

agreed on the agreement

 

good point on it doesn't go anywhere per certain levels, although if it no longer exists per total dissolution it is gone and can not be picked back up.  Looking at a sunset with a calm peaceful mind is still a mind and sensory based event.

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I sit in bare naked reality a lot these days. It's easy to do when you aren't around anyone and have destroyed your illusions, and no longer have a working intellect. 

 

Other people and their paradigms keep us busy translating their perspective, which prevents living in the bnr moment.

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On 7/7/2024 at 7:13 PM, Cadcam said:

I was always a minor dabbler in occult and mystical things, casually reading and adopting different magical ideas, but then a spirit got ahold of me and I stumbled into serious belief, yet, I did not know what to believe.  I started searching and what I found led me to pain and madness. I found myself living out ideas that evolved on their own, and started overlaying my daily waking awareness mixing with dream and fantasy. I would act out in response to the hallucinations. Eventually these fantasies would break, and I'd wind up in a deep depression. This has been going on for 20 plus years, and after this last psychosis, I think I have broken this curse, because all of the ideas and experiences culminated in a total breakdown. Crossing my fingers.

 

You ever notice how messing with the dopamine system makes people crazy?

 

People get coked up, think they are bulletproof and can do anything without consequence. 

 

People who get manic have the same problem. 

 

So here is my take having known many magick users personally.

 

Role playing games are a way to stimulate your dopamine system, triggering a reward response. 

 

Roleplaying games are status simulators.

 

As your make-believe character gets more wealth, money, property, fame, power, status, etc.

 

This triggers a reward response in your dopamine reward feedback system. 

 

Magick is just role-playing where you blend fantasy and reality. 

 

Many of the magick users I've met convince themselves they are super powerful and have fun performing rituals, and drawing sigils, and seals, and chanting spells, and all kinds of other nonsense. 

 

This gives them a dopamine hit, and if they ride that manic wave it destabilizes their psyche and further affects their dopamine reward response feedback system. 

 

Pretty soon they can't sleep, and they are hyper-fixated on the next ritual, or spell, or whatever and how that is going to let them achieve whatever, they are practically vibrating with manic energy. 

 

The problem becomes, what goes up, must come down. 

 

Fly too high and burn the wing. 

 

Magick is very popular for the reasons described above to people with addictive personalities.
 

My advice:

 

Don't get excited, keep your heart calm. 

 

True power comes from being totally stoic and hyper focused on one goal.

 

This manic energy is fool's gold to the occult seeker. 

 

Keep your heart calm, never get excited. 

 

There is an unbelievable amount of power to be gained from pure focus, and stoic calm. 

 

It is best to ground oneself in evidence.

 

Ask yourself: Is there any objective evidence that this (whatever it is) can do anything that can be objectively measured?

 

Realize that each second is a literal grain of sand falling down through your hourglass.

 

Each second you waste is a second you can never get back.

 

Are you wasting your life pursuing practices, and things which yield no objective results?

 

If so, stop doing that.

 

Focus only on things which can generate results you can objectively quantify and measure.

 

Focus on what matters most to you.

 

Work to achieve your goals.

 

Ignore all other distractions.

 

You can achieve anything, but you cannot achieve everything.

 

Edited by kakapo
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8 hours ago, old3bob said:

no, if it it used in the way or context as a pointer based on 1st hand experience,  thus not just blind faith/belief.  (as it sounds like you also implied?)

 

Repeated personal experience builds confidence, and therefore faith that the practice works. This is the basis for any faith in meditative Buddhist, anyway.

 

Quote

good point on it doesn't go anywhere per certain levels, although if it no longer exists per total dissolution it is gone and can not be picked back up. 

 

I can see the non-dual quality of reality in any moment, anywhere. Most people I have trained can learn to do the same with some difficulty, though not necessarily at the level of insight. Once there is insight, there will be a future moment where seeing non-dual reality as it is is permanent. 

 

Quote

Looking at a sunset with a calm peaceful mind is still a mind and sensory based event.

 

It can be that, OR it can be entirely without anything but Self (or "empty" as my team-mates would have it). This non-dual insight is the view from enlightened mind in any tradition.

 

Quote

"The eye through which I see God is the same eye through which God sees me: my eye and Gods eye are one eye, one seeing, one knowing, one love". - Meister Eckhart

 

I think we essentially agree on these points?

Edited by stirling

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"I can see"  sounds nice but which I is that for if I no longer exists per its Total dissolution then who is talking?  (could be a more refined whatever)  

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, old3bob said:

"I can see"  sounds nice but which I is that for if I no longer exists per its Total dissolution then who is talking?  (could be a more refined whatever)  

 

 

 

 

You are the collective conversation 100 billion cells are having, exchanging energy and information across an organic internet.

 

Everything you can see is purely energy and information being exchanged in this internet.

 

There is only the experience of you occurring.

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