Feeling disillusioned.

[helpfuldemon]

20 years ago I started experiencing phenomenal things, supernatural thing, impossible things.  I witnessed these, and began to believe in magic.  I started thinking about God again, and powers of supernatural strength.  I practiced a lot of different things to try and harness it, but it always failed to come through.  I studied philosophy and mysticism, and thought long and hard on life, love, freedom and Law.  

 

I've come to the conclusion that nothing is permanent and that no matter what the Wisdom is, someone out there will do it differently. There is no absolutes.  I've decided that God represents Free Will above anything else, that God is free and so are we, and we do what we will.  The questions of an after life, where God is, what God does, what God wants, what powers we possess; are still unanswered after all this time.  I have given up trying to declare these.  

 

In my pursuit of God and the supernatural I became proud, and the prouder I got, the more of a  toy I became.  I think God likes the humble person over the proud, and uses the proud to delight in Gods whims.  

 

So now I am humble.  I thank God for mercy, for God does not have to be merciful.  I pray to God for the safety of the human race, and I decry our condition and our vulnerabilities.  I do not adhere to any religion and I think that most of them, while good at refining Wisdom, fail at defining God and life.  

[helpfuldemon]

Pride is good at times.  It aids us in carrying on, and seeing satisfaction in a job well done.

[Nungali]

Yes it can , when balanced.  But I am not too good at it .  I have probably only felt  pride  about twice in my life .  Actually, if one can manage this and balance it and lift it to its highest potential , it is healing  and gives meaning  and reason to life and the reasons for 'taking this  (your own )  incarnation ' .   But you have to find your 'great work ' , what you came here to learn , offer and express, and then , do that well ,  then one also gets a sense of accomplishment  and the reasons for 'being here' are clearer . This makes us whole, integrated and purposeful .  

 

And getting back to this and these principles are at the core of a lot of rehabilitation programs for indigenous individuals and groups and helping with their recovery and decreasing suicide rates .   A proud person rarely commits suicide . people here are gong from being ashamed of being black to being proud of it  ...... YES  !

 

Its a little different for the white westerners though ... what 'culture' are they going to get back into  and 'find themselves' and feel pride in ?   Many  are feeling just as lost , purposeless , outside of society  , feeling not accepted , homeless and struggling  ....

 

This came to a head 2 days ago in my small local country town ;

 

I was driving into town to dump at the recycling centre , on approach a large column of black nasty smoke . That doesnt look right , its coming from the middle of town on the north side of the river  .  maybe I should go and check it out ?  But it felt .... 'wrong'  - nasty . It isnt a burn off or a yard fire ... something nasty is burning . The the smoke started going white ... steam , its being extinguished .

 

I am glad I didnt go to look , apparently a homeless guy that had been living in a caravan at the caravan park , set fire to his caravan and then hung himself in the tree next to it . people rushed to the fire to help, not knowing , including a bunch of school kids at the hall next door  .... only to see a burning caravan with a burning body hanging from a tree next to it .

 

Its gonna have a mammoth impact on the town ... a friend of mine who does grief and trauma counselling says she is going to e busy for weeks after this one .

 

 

[helpfuldemon]

I think there is an awful lot to be proud of in the West, though it is stained with warfare, there is much invention and art.  

 

I myself am numb.  Being afflicted with the MI I have and examining life to the point of not seeing any beauty, has left me numb to pain and death, at least for now.  I am not shocked by tragedy anymore, but when confronted with disability, like just today, my parents, both 80 and in rough shape, had trouble walking, and I cared for them and cared about them.  I guess gruesome stories don't move me to sadness anymore, but when confronted with something painful, I empathize.

[Daniel]

I can relate.  I spoke with my dad today too.  We chat weekly on fridays.  Usually when I ask about his health, he has a good attitude.  It's sad for me but good.  He says, "If I'm hurting, I still know I'm alive.  That's how I know I'm alive."  Today he said, "Your mom and I are hurting a lot."  And, they were headed to another funeral this afternoon.  My cousin died.  He was only 65.  I didn't know him.  I come from a big family.  But that also means there's potentially a lot of funerals.  My parents have been to a lot of funerals lately.  6 in the past 6 months.

 

Edited September 8, 2023 by Daniel

[whocoulditbe?]

I have been feeling more and more depressed since November. But I have a good feeling about this coming Northern-hemispehere autumn.

Edited September 8, 2023 by whocoulditbe?

[Nungali]

11 minutes ago, whocoulditbe? said:

I have been feeling more and more depressed since November. But I have a good feeling about this coming Northern-hemispehere autumn.

 

 

Why have you been feeling more an more depressed  ?

[helpfuldemon]

So yeah.  I wasn't a very well read chap, I studied painting not literature.  

 

When I heard the voice of God, it made me pursue what we know about God.

 

I took it very seriously, and read what I could.

 

Now I sit here surrounded by books and I realize; its all just speculation.

 

So now I have little faith in any of it.  However, I do know right from wrong, at least in my view.

[helpfuldemon]

I find life boring.  Everyone pursuing what they believe to be true, responding to events in their lives according to what they understand.  Its so mundane.  Memories of times when life was good.  I'm 52 now, and unattractive.  I no longer have the power to seduce, and so I sit here numb to sexuality.  I don't want to read any more books.  I am done thinking.  It seems like people live for sensual or intellectual pleasure, and the ability to create.  Or, they live to accumulate wealth, or to contribute to society.  The only thing that appeals to me now is to contribute to the fallen members of society, but I have no car and cannot get to the places to volunteer.  I wish I could write something to help people avoid falling down.  

[Nungali]

probably its inevitable ... it cant be avoided .

 

What we can offer through , is help in 'getting back up' .

[Daniel]

9 hours ago, helpfuldemon said:

  I wish I could write something to help people avoid falling down.  

 

I think you're a talented poet.  And while I don't consider myself one of the fallen, I very much appreciate your writing.  Sincerely.