Loveherbs

Daoist way to leave porn addiction?

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I tried everything to leave this but i just can't leave porn. I don't have any significant goal in life. I just waste my parents money and masturbate to porn. i sit around all day in house don't go out. i feel anxiety and social awkwardness around people. help. plz help. i just wanna remove porn from my life but i can't.

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I think its got to be holistic, ie making major changes in your life.   Some sort of boot camp or personal coach you have to answer to and be responsible to.   Someone who'll take away your electronics or put child guards on them to prevent going to sites.  Someone who'll make you do uncomfortable things.. get up early, eat better, join positive groups and stay with them.  Could be exercise, could be writers groups, could be dog walkers, life coach..anything that requires long term discipline. 

 

Removing porn should be a side effect of major life change that puts you on a more constructive path.  A good path should make you feel crappy at first.  And thats fine, cause you feel crappy now, so finding something or someone who has the leverage to force/watch/convince you to have a positive structured routine is the ticket. 

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I think there's a sex addict Anonymous, or something close.  Working the steps of recovery will do it.   If you check into this, do get a sponsor, as an outside pair of eyes is crucial at the beginning.  You seem really self-honest, and if you've got that going for you, you're going to have a wonderful experience all the way around.  For the rest of your life, actually.  

 

(the AA program worked for me and has kept me sober for 39 years.  The program has expanded now to include every addictive behavior imaginable!)

 

Best wishes to you -

 

 

 

Edited by manitou
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I have a close friend who studied TCM in China, practiced internal martial arts, went on vipassana retreats and maintained a long term meditation practice, and is also an observing Jew who prays daily and regularly attends services. He has quite a bit of affinity for Daoism and visited a holy mountain with me, so he had no shortage of friends to share bits and pieces of Daoist thinking and practices with him over the years. There was sincerity in his approach, so his study and practice added depth to his life, but he never found anything along the path that gave him what he needed to break his porn and masturbation addiction. Finally in real despair (he was at risk of ruining his marriage and the mood swings his masturbation apparently caused were leading him to fly into rages with his small children) he Googled his problem and came upon SLAA. He has been "sober" with them for a few years now, and he tells me that due to the nature of his addiction he needed to find people who knew the specific "medicine" for his disease (it is he, not I, who stresses that addiction is a disease). Most interestingly, in addition to helping him break his addiction, the 12 step program has also very clearly deepened his religious and spiritual life.

 

After seeing similar processes unfold in two other addicts I know (one was an alcoholic who, like this friend, pursued a TCM education, meditation, and martial arts), I read the AA Big Book. I would say it is something that anybody with spare time and interest in spirituality should read. One need not be an addict to glean insight from this text. 12 step programs are not a magic bullet and they do not work for everybody, but my friend tried Daoism + Buddhism + Judaism + TCM + internal martial arts to no avail, while SLAA's teachings and community clearly worked. 

Edited by Walker
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try forcing yourself into a new environment, go on a trip or a retreat for a week or two. it's insightful to have some sort of detox and how it feels when you're unable to boot up the porn for a while. maybe find employment that forces you be around people and breaks some of the anxiety. also cold showers. can be a long path if you've buried a lot of stuff under this addiction, seek guidance from a teacher if possible. getting grounded and sinking energy is something to work on if you've spammed your brain with all this stimulation and arousal. good to have an exercise routine and make a habit of going outdoors daily.

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On 10/12/2019 at 7:30 PM, Loveherbs said:

I tried everything to leave this but i just can't leave porn. I don't have any significant goal in life. I just waste my parents money and masturbate to porn. i sit around all day in house don't go out. i feel anxiety and social awkwardness around people. help. plz help. i just wanna remove porn from my life but i can't.

 

Heaven is known for its easefulness, the earth for simplicity and the Dao for its uselessness.  Being easeful, simple and useless is the Daoist way.  You may feel anxious and awkward because you haven't grasped the way.  Don't hurt yourself anymore.  Don't hate yourself anymore.  Not wanting to watch porn makes you watch porn (?)  Have you thought about it this way?

 

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sounds like one step along the way is loosening ones grip on how you feel about this particular habit and predicament in the first place. less fuel on the fire, as it were.

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might also be useful to google 'nofap' and look at all the stuff that's been written about porn addiction (increasingly common) and the methods people have used to overcome this particular habit. dare i say you'll probably get more mileage than anything eastern or more esoteric in nature unless you're really good at connecting dots and/or can find an in-person teacher.

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Loveherbs,

 

I¬īve got the feeling that you are ashamed of your porn usage.¬† I bet that shame around watching porn is a bigger problem than the porn itself.¬† You are not a bad person.¬† Really.¬† Watching porn might get in the way of other things you want to do in your life but it doesn¬īt make you a bad person.¬† All the advice about 12 step groups and such is good but sometimes focusing on the "problem" just makes it bigger.¬† You could become a professional porn addict, a recoveree¬†with a busy meeting schedule.¬† This isn¬īt so bad and many people have turned it into a viable spiritual path.¬† But it¬īs also possible to just do something else.¬†

 

When you¬īre in the grip of porn it probably seems next to impossible to put it down.¬† Do something else though and I think you¬īll find the spell is broken.¬† Bottomline, sex just isn¬īt that important.¬† OK, well it¬īs sorta important.¬† But there are so many other things to do in a day and when you start doing them sex will stop being the be-all-end-all.¬† Go for a walk.¬† Talk with a friend.¬† Then, if you go back to watching porn afterward, don¬īt beat yourself up about it.¬† The time you spend watching porn doesn¬īt cancel out the good you did when you weren¬īt watching porn.¬† You are more than your porn usage.¬†

Edited by liminal_luke
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On 12.10.2019 at 8:30 PM, Loveherbs said:

I tried everything to leave this but i just can't leave porn.

 

And you inquired specifically about a Daoist way to handle this. So I will try to reply from a Daoist perspective. ;)

 

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I don't have any significant goal in life.

 

That's fine. The way is the goal!

 

It seems to be mostly a Western idea that you always need to have a goal in life. Instead of simply living in the here and now.

 

This is not to say that it is always wrong to have goals. But I suggest that you don't try to set one for yourself. It will find you - when you are ready.

 

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I just waste my parents money

 

According to Chuangtzu, the Daoist sage has plenty og of money to spend, yet doesn't even know where it comes from. What you are describing actually seems to approach that ideal.

 

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and masturbate to porn.

 

If you do that alot, then it might indeed be considered a waste of kidney qi.

 

Now the Daoist approach of dealing with any kind of undesired behaviour is not to resist it, but to observe it. Be with your addiction, study it, find out at what moments it most likely befalls you? What increases it?What diminishes it? What do you get from it? What does it take from you? Don't fight it... It will fight back and most likely get the better of you. Rather, use it as a springboard for introspection and self-exploration.

 

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i sit around all day in house don't go out.

 

According to Laotzu, the sage travels everywhere without even stepping out of his house.

 

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i feel anxiety and social awkwardness around people. help. plz help. i just wanna remove porn from my life but i can't.

 

Do you have a girlfriend? It will be hard to leave this addiction if you don't have another way of satisfying your natural sexual desire.

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Porn is poison to the mind and perception.

 

Training the mind to percieved women as sex objects while watching other men out perform you.

 

Now days more and more women are watching porn, and statistics show they are getting them selves off watching some pretty sick stuff. Rape fantasy along with other forms of sexual domination are some of the most popular, but you'd also be surprised at how popular beastiality videos are becoming.

 

Weep now for the future.

 

https://www.vice.com/en_ca/article/bm9w7v/why-are-so-many-women-searching-for-ultra-violent-porn

 

 

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-012-9934-6

 

Birth control alone has changed men and womens perception of sexes, the sexual act and what it's universal and primary purpose is to begin with. When you consider that humans are biocultural organisms you can see that the assimilation of birth control has caused what is equal to an evolution of a new species.

 

Women NOT experiencing fertility, NOT ovulating, NOT experiencing periods of gestation and child baring yet parttaking in the sexual act on a regular basis with multiple partners has completely altered everything about them except their physiology.

 

Now they are watching more and more porn, and the type of porn they are watching combined with the unnatural and naive perception formed by taking birth control for years after only menstruating a few times is going to form an entirely different breed of female.

 

And because guys want to get laid they will encourage the formation of these women, the same way women have always encouraged the formation of toxic males in men.

 

Society is done for.

 

I'm sure I'll be called a mysogonist, hate speech for saying porn is bad and for portraying the state of women to be a culturaly caused mess and for not being supportive of how women ended up with women's rights.

 

In defense I don't think the way things were idealized in the 1950s of as better, or even separate from how they are now.

 

We live in a screwed up society so men, women, and other are all screwed .

 

You can't go from sexually repressed to over sexxed, on the pill, hopped up on porn to Tinder as a mating ritual without thoroughly warping the collective psyche of women.

 

 

Edited by ion

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Maybe the overemphasis on porn now is a reaction to the uptightness of the 50's.  I agree with Michael Sternbeck. Truthfully, I think the DDJ would tell you not to fight against anything.  Set your intent on what you want to be - do you want to be an enlightened one, or a porn king? There's no judgment within the Dao, merely your preference.  But once you decide, just be okay with what comes at you from day to day.  If you choose the path of enlightenment, then your mind and body will gradually find your place of healthy balance.  Just do what's in front of you, day by day, in consciousness and in the most loving way.   By trying to keep a lid on it, or feeling ashamed that it is there - those actions alone create a building pressure that will have to have its release at some point in time.  

 

 

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pfft.  pictures of skin are not poison.

 

mind is the poison (and its main antidote?). 

 

there is no porn...  only mind.

Edited by silent thunder
add the antidote bit

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2 hours ago, silent thunder said:

pfft.  pictures of skin are not poison.

 

mind is the poison (and its main antidote?). 

 

there is no porn...  only mind.

 

Can agree there. Knowing some porn actors who are friends and some burlesque artists, they have a stack of responses to people who are judgmental of sexuality and equate embracing sexuality as sexism or filth.

 

People who hate porn don't understand we already live in a word where porn is a suffix: foodporn comes to mind. 

 

Look at 1970s porn: there were plot lines and deep character studies. Look at 90s porn: it was hyperbole with elaborate sets for fetishes. Look at 2010s porn: it encouraged performers to go become independent and even have their own channels or streams rather than following a firm.

 

One friend tells me it's a liberating lifestyle for her because sex is just sex, human nature can't be thrown out because of someone's agenda to politicize and sanitize something natural. She even quoted an interview with Neil Gaiman who discussed a model for a skin mag in the 1980s who said the real loser was the wanker who saw her as nothing but an object rather than a human being and an artist who is comfortable with her sexuality. 

 

There are of course people in the industry who have regrets--Stephanie Swift who made a complete 180ňö and despises the industry, then people like Ron Jeremy who used to go on campus tours to debate it with a Christian pastor whenever they were invited so people could make an informed decision hearing from the views of two authorities on the subject.¬†

 

Porn addiction for Tao as far as I see is more or less just imbalance and the natural urges expressing themselves without a proper outlet or way to cultivate and transmute. 

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