We're under no obligation to have them back in our lives, yes, but I tend to be open after a few years or earlier based on their willingness to reconcile. Others, not so much if they demonstrate they're unwilling to change, particularly when we add these 12 types of abuse to the rest of the kinds such as stonewalling, and then to the four control dramas, which work out really well with these.    For the sake of discussion and elaborating on something that has gone on in this forum for too long, here are the four control dramas from The Celestine Prophecy, which in spite of its New Age roots, is actually quite applicable in life to an extent.   The most aggressive one is the Intimidator, who steals energy from other people by dominating them and making them feel inferior, either with physical or verbal aggression, so the intimidator gets to feel better and the other people feel worse.  This is similar to being aggressive.   Next is the Interrogator, who gets to feel good by asking questions that are borderline aggressive, certainly they are aimed at making the other person feel small so that the interrogator can feel superior to them.     Questions like “Have you thought about going on a diet?”, “Why don’t you do that differently?” and “Why are you so hopeless?” and “Come on, TALK to me!” are not nice questions are they?  And questions like “You know why that happened don’t you?” are tricky because whatever you say they are going to say “Oh no no no, you’ve missed the point”.  That’s the interrogator.   Then there’s the Aloof, which is a common response to an Interrogator parent or an interrogator partner – the Aloof copes with other people by acting distant & hiding what they really think, and either not answering at all or answering evasively, maybe with short non-committal answers like “Maybe” or “I don’t know really”.     They might drop vague hints, which in turn may mean that you ask even more questions in order to engage with them. You can imagine how an Aloof person could use this as a defensive strategy, but also you can see how the aloof will encourage others to interrogate them to try to find out what they really think.  The Aloof encourages the Interrogator, and the Interrogator encourages the Aloof.    Finally there’s the fourth way to control others and that’s the Poor Me.  These people take the victim position, saying their life is awful and it’s all unfair, and they use guilt or pity to manipulate you.  They might say “It’s fine, I’ll just carry on, I’m used to doing everything by myself” or even “After all I have done for you, you let me down like this.”   Those control dramas are actively employed by abusers often. 
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