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17 hours ago, Kar3n said:

If the blind man is an adult and has been around the block a time or two he knows where the hole is and will keep from falling into it if he pays close enough attention to his footing and the lack of response from his support cane touching the ground.

 

You're going to do as you will, but setting personal rules for someone else is a recipe for disaster. Resentment will take hold after being scolded and she will rebel in a big way.

 

Good luck.

 

 

The example I gave was a blind man in a place there blind man is not familiar. I am not saying I want to do or don't want to do, if the other person, in this case a lady, wants direction from someone she trusts and she's willing to make an effort in following directions, I would do what I can and find a support system. I am finding out that many professionals, as much as they have some experience, the majority I have seen don't know what's to experience dealing with someone's emotions or even desires. Resentment is common and as far as I am learning as long as I don't get my emotions involved, acting without attachments, I see that setting rules it is important, not my own rules that work for me, but the rules works best for her or try to see what works better for her. Thanks for your input, I always appreciate your kind advice.

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6 hours ago, Mig said:

Resentment is common and as far as I am learning as long as I don't get my emotions involved, acting without attachments,

 

Unless you are a robot I'm not sure how you can be in a relationship without getting your emotions involved or attached.   

 

Does this woman have a really nice, umm, genetics?

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12 hours ago, Dynasty said:

Unless you are a robot I'm not sure how you can be in a relationship without getting your emotions involved or attached.   

 

Does this woman have a really nice, umm, genetics?

 

I totally agree.

And I think the nicer the genetics, the more the emotions are going to get involved.

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3 hours ago, Aetherous said:

the nicer the genetics

 

Men are hard wired to prefer a woman with good genetics and genes.

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That was actually a lot funnier before I made it more politically correct and censored myself.

 

 

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3 hours ago, Dynasty said:

 

Men are hard wired to prefer a woman with good genetics and genes.

There is the preference and how to like enjoying good times with good genetics. The attraction is a weird component and letting my emotions get involved is far dangerous and that's why we get in trouble constantly.

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I´m not sure it´s possible -- or preferable -- to sidestep emotions in a relationship.  Would I want to be in a relationship with someone who didn´t feel emotionally connected to me?  Not for a second.  Which isn´t to say that emotions can´t muck things up.  It´s not easy to deal with anger and jealousy, to deal with the commonplace, virtually inevitable and heartbreaking discovery that one´s partner isn´t who we first imagined.  This stuff is hard.  It´s hard but required.  There´s no getting to mature love without facing one´s emotional darkness.  

 

 

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On 6/25/2019 at 1:11 PM, liminal_luke said:

I´m not sure it´s possible -- or preferable -- to sidestep emotions in a relationship.  Would I want to be in a relationship with someone who didn´t feel emotionally connected to me?  Not for a second.  Which isn´t to say that emotions can´t muck things up.  It´s not easy to deal with anger and jealousy, to deal with the commonplace, virtually inevitable and heartbreaking discovery that one´s partner isn´t who we first imagined.  This stuff is hard.  It´s hard but required.  There´s no getting to mature love without facing one´s emotional darkness.  

 

 

Why does it need to be required?

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Posted (edited)

 

Quote

I see that setting rules it is important, not my own rules that work for me, but the rules works best for her or try to see what works better for her.

 

 

I'm curious what sort of rules, and how these rules would be enforced?

 

Edit to add: I just had an odd thought about no food after midnight and gremlins..

Edited by ilumairen
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On 6/22/2019 at 9:51 AM, Kar3n said:

How about trying acceptance and patience? Setting up rules and structure for an adult woman, a potential life partner, so that they please you with their behavior and actions is just about as rational as trying to bathe a feral cat and it will not go well.

 

Why would you impose your way on to her rather than accept her and support the decisions she makes for herself and how she wants to live her life?

 

Without out acceptance of her, all of her, there can be no relationship. If she is not allowed to be herself with you but rather a made up version that is more pleasing and acceptable to you based on your rules and structure what is the point of the relationship? Who is this relationship fulfilling? You? What is in it for her?

 

All too often folks believe they can change another, "fix" them, when the reality is that you can not change another. Change comes from within. It is your job to accept her, love her, and support her efforts to better herself. She needs a partner not a father figure to tell her she is a bad girl who has broken broken the rules.

This +1

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On 6/22/2019 at 11:59 AM, Kar3n said:

The whole point of my post is that if you have to fix a person and mold them to be pleasing to you then you're in a relationship with the wrong person.

 

No one should be treated as a doormat. Life is too short to settle for a project disguised as a relationship.

Bingo!

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29 minutes ago, Pilgrim said:

This +1

These observations by Kar3n are so important they deserve repeating. I think we all try to make sense of our relationships and where we are going with them and I am the first to admit I can be very ridged and structured with myself and have tendencies to impose it on others without realizing it.

 

I think you have to spend time getting to know the person realize you do not need to be the same and see if there are other facets that you want in your life. If not then you both need to move on. 

 

Trying to change an adult does not work nor should anyone even waste their time trying. 

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On 7/2/2019 at 11:07 AM, Pilgrim said:

These observations by Kar3n are so important they deserve repeating. I think we all try to make sense of our relationships and where we are going with them and I am the first to admit I can be very ridged and structured with myself and have tendencies to impose it on others without realizing it.

 

I think you have to spend time getting to know the person realize you do not need to be the same and see if there are other facets that you want in your life. If not then you both need to move on. 

 

Trying to change an adult does not work nor should anyone even waste their time trying. 

I think in general those are observations can apply but each case is different. There are cases where one lead and the other follow because many reasons. If I am good at computers and my companion has little experience then if she wants she will follow my instructions. I think this also applies to real life in a relationship. It is totally true that knowing the other person is essential and  necessary, this is not about changing the other person. Specially with a person who is diagnosed with ADD or ADHD and in the real world this person functions well in some ways but in special situations she can freak out or everything becomes overwhelming. In this type of relationship, I see the example of a blind and non blind person, both help each other to keep moving forward.

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I agree, and it is wise not to put others in special situations they do not deal with well. 

 

The trick is knowing what they are.

 

For example I have a brother whose wife talks sex at me and hits on me and lacks boundaries and self control.

 

This does not go well with me, so I avoid any thing and everything having to do with situations where she will be present.

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Mig said:

I think in general those are observations can apply but each case is different. There are cases where one lead and the other follow because many reasons. If I am good at computers and my companion has little experience then if she wants she will follow my instructions. I think this also applies to real life in a relationship. It is totally true that knowing the other person is essential and  necessary, this is not about changing the other person. Specially with a person who is diagnosed with ADD or ADHD and in the real world this person functions well in some ways but in special situations she can freak out or everything becomes overwhelming. In this type of relationship, I see the example of a blind and non blind person, both help each other to keep moving forward.

 

Mig,

 

Just make sure to literally protect yourself at all times, but through love. If you do want to take on this challenge, take it as a growth opportunity. Because the things you'll find yourself forced to deal with will be just that. There is no logical way of thinking about it with your mind. Lots of things won't make sense, because they won't be fair. You will have to be the one who's maybe more aware for now. That means having to be the bigger person and not feeling bad that you may be viewing it as an opportunity to grow and not just simply a relationship. Do you really think there's sympathy when you will supposedly not be thought of?

My suggestion to you is to remember that there is a lot more to the person than adhd. And i don't mean in the feel sympathetic sense. What i mean is realize that adhd is nothing to hide behind. Don't give them that excuse for everything. Know what it does and doesn't consist of. If you let them do that, they will hide behind bullshit forever. That being said, ultimately they have the choice to be honest with themselves or not. So don't force them to be honest about it. You make the decision about what you want based on what they decide to do.

 

Be loving, be honest. But just my 2 cents, and this is coming from someone who it didn't work out for. At least right now. I think they are actually special people who have a different way of looking at things. And though i can't pin point exactly what i'm trying to say because it's something and internal not describable with words,  i'm trying to point out that they are just as important in this world than anyone else. I'm sure the 'greats' all had a little adhd in them.

 

Your growth is by far the most important one. So remember to never hold yourself back for the sake of waiting for another. But be patient enough to allow yourself to be accompanied by those who put the effort to be a part of your life.

 

Edited by welkin

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4 minutes ago, welkin said:

 

Mig,

 

Just make sure to literally protect yourself at all times, but through love. If you do want to take on this challenge, take it as a growth opportunity. Because the things you'll find yourself forced to deal with will be just that. There is no logical way of thinking about it with your mind. Lots of things won't make sense, because they won't be fair. You will have to be the one who's maybe more aware for now. That means having to be the bigger person and not feeling bad that you may be viewing it as an opportunity to grow and not just simply a relationship. Do you really think there's sympathy when you will supposedly not be thought of?

My suggestion to you is to remember that there is a lot more to the person than adhd. And i don't mean in the feel sympathetic sense. What i mean is realize that adhd is nothing to hide behind. Don't give them that excuse for everything. Know what it consists of and know what it doens't have to do with. If you let them do that, they will hide behind bullshit forever. And it's not even about you being selfish. You're assisting them in hurting themselves long term by not saying anything. Which is what the entire world does to them, because they're not worth people's time and energy to talk about it. That's the world we live in :)

 

Be loving, be honest. But just my 2 cents, and this is coming from someone who it didn't work out for. At least right now. I think they are actually special people who have a different way of looking at things. And though i can't pin point exactly what i'm trying to say because it's something and internal not describable with words,  i'm trying to point out that they are just as important in this world than anyone else. I'm sure the 'greats' all had a little adhd in them.

 

Your growth is by far the most important one. So remember to never hold yourself back for the sake of waiting for another. But be patient enough to allow yourself to be accompanied by those who put the effort to be a part of your life.

 

You nail it very well and I sincerely appreciate your input. It is very helpful. I had a previous experience dealing with a person with other issues and I learned the hard way when I didn't know anything about it. Today, I am better prepared and I am aware it is a learning process. You are very right about the growing experience and I will add the relationship is important. The situation is extremely difficult but all I see are solutions to search and then move forward, learn each other to talk about stuff instead of arguing or know who's right or wrong. I have the impression I have more life experience and I am here to guide her when is necessary. Thanks a bunch for your advice.

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