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I was wondering if someone was interested in starting a relationship boyfriend girlfriend or lover or whatever you want to call it. If there is attraction in the first place and one was to move forward and you know the girlfriend suffers from ADD or ADHD, what suggestions do you have to deal with that type of personalities. I read some material and I am already familiar of listening and improving basic communication skills. Your suggestions are much appreciated. Thanks

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This is my personal experience and probably not the best to help (though 8 year relationship). so take what you will. There will be a lot of not being paid attention to when conversing, forgetfulness, clumsiness.

 

What i can say is know who you are as person and see if you can have a life with someone who deals with those things. That means being patient, understanding, empathetic and i'm sure a lot more. Make sure they are grounded. Ungroundedness + adhd = chaos.

 

i'm personally skeptical whether those disorders are real or not. There are several public figures who mention that it is mostly due to a lack of conscientiousness among other similar matters. but I also don't know anyone else who has it, and i'm also sure that there are a lot of people with add or adhd that are  decent human beings who can live just fine with it through life, because they balance it out. I did not have this experience personally for the most part.

 

In my brain it looks like this:

unconscientious parents -> unconscientiously raised children -> children considered to have adhd

 

So personally, i believe it's more of a matter that these people are born different (in the most positive sense), but grow up in this fucked up reality of society, and then have to be certain ways, etc etc, and then you are known to have adhd because they don't cope with things the same as others.

 

If you are on your own spiritual journey and want to go through with the relationship,  i would suggest they at least practice some spiritual path as well.

 

 

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On 6/10/2019 at 10:16 AM, Mig said:

I was wondering if someone was interested in starting a relationship boyfriend girlfriend or lover or whatever you want to call it. If there is attraction in the first place and one was to move forward and you know the girlfriend suffers from ADD or ADHD, what suggestions do you have to deal with that type of personalities. I read some material and I am already familiar of listening and improving basic communication skills. Your suggestions are much appreciated. Thanks

Hi! I appreciate your willingness to date someone who has ADHD. I've felt bad about myself for my tendencies and how it affects my relationships to the point that, I wanted to "fix" myself first before dating anyone. At the same time, I realise I need to be kind to myself and accept my tendencies while still doing my best to be a good partner.  A psychiatrist friend told me that I might have ADHD and I've been in four romantic relationships. I wish my ex-es knew how difficult it was for me to pay attention for a prolonged amount of time without thinking I was doing it on purpose. Because of the lack of filters sometimes (to help focus), there's a tendency to take on everything and easily be distracted. It doesn't mean that they don't care for you or what you say is not important. For people with ADHD, (atleast from my own personal experience of myself), there are many different factors that allow me to listen and pay attention better - such as diet (no sugar), environment (less stimuli, like maybe when you are going on a date, try to go to a restaurant where there's not too much noise or pick a spot where there are not much distracting things) and what's going on in my life (sleep, stress, meditation practice). There's a lot to share but in a jist, I think what would be helpful to ask yourself is what are your needs and what are you willing to give, as well as what your partner's needs are (given her/his limitations) and what s/he is willing to give. Usually (at least in my experience), women who have ADHD really feel bad about themselves for their tendencies and want to do better. It will help to be encouraging and also forgiving of them. With a good set of routines, acceptance and some laughter along with it (not taking situations too seriously), it can be possible to make things work. That is, if you are up for the challenge. Sometimes, I think I'm better off on my own and just having friends because I don't want to hurt anyone with my tendencies. But something tells me (my friends) that it's a matter of meeting the person that I can work with and accept me for who I am while I do the same for him. Anyways, thanks for listening. I hope this helps! Good luck! 

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On 6/12/2019 at 7:26 AM, emptycup said:

Hi! I appreciate your willingness to date someone who has ADHD. I've felt bad about myself for my tendencies and how it affects my relationships to the point that, I wanted to "fix" myself first before dating anyone. At the same time, I realise I need to be kind to myself and accept my tendencies while still doing my best to be a good partner.  A psychiatrist friend told me that I might have ADHD and I've been in four romantic relationships. I wish my ex-es knew how difficult it was for me to pay attention for a prolonged amount of time without thinking I was doing it on purpose. Because of the lack of filters sometimes (to help focus), there's a tendency to take on everything and easily be distracted. It doesn't mean that they don't care for you or what you say is not important. For people with ADHD, (atleast from my own personal experience of myself), there are many different factors that allow me to listen and pay attention better - such as diet (no sugar), environment (less stimuli, like maybe when you are going on a date, try to go to a restaurant where there's not too much noise or pick a spot where there are not much distracting things) and what's going on in my life (sleep, stress, meditation practice). There's a lot to share but in a jist, I think what would be helpful to ask yourself is what are your needs and what are you willing to give, as well as what your partner's needs are (given her/his limitations) and what s/he is willing to give. Usually (at least in my experience), women who have ADHD really feel bad about themselves for their tendencies and want to do better. It will help to be encouraging and also forgiving of them. With a good set of routines, acceptance and some laughter along with it (not taking situations too seriously), it can be possible to make things work. That is, if you are up for the challenge. Sometimes, I think I'm better off on my own and just having friends because I don't want to hurt anyone with my tendencies. But something tells me (my friends) that it's a matter of meeting the person that I can work with and accept me for who I am while I do the same for him. Anyways, thanks for listening. I hope this helps! Good luck! 

Excellent input and sincerely appreciate your thoughts. Extremely helpful. Thank you very much!!

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On 6/12/2019 at 2:08 AM, rideforever said:

Do physical things.

Do social things.

As much as possible.

Isn't that easy to say. It happens every individual is different. Yes, do physical things. She likes to watch movies and could watch movies all day long. Then is to find what physical things does she like? Well, go hiking someone will say. She will like to go hiking for a specific reason.

Do social things, yes, then it is to find what kind of social things and then you find she may no like because she thinks she doesn't look pretty or good in the crowd. Oh yes, I will have to encourage her to socialized.
Those miracles pills: one sentence,  don't work unless you give some explanation or good suggestions. Thank you anyway for the reply.

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Sure. Depends on the person I suppose.  But maybe not. 

 

Those who I've known that casually mention their problems wear their problems as a badge of honor. It's their victim card. It's their identity. And good or bad,  people will fight, at least subconsciously, to hold onto their identity. 

 

"Oh, I'm sorry I forgot that we were supposed to do ______. You know I have ADHD" 

 

If it is so bad that it requires being medicated, and the person is not actively attempting to take control of their life minus chemicals I'd take a pass.  There are few things in life that bother me more than people who require being drugged up, high, or drunk to cope. 

 

 

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10 hours ago, Mig said:

Thank you anyway for the reply.

 

Well ... I'm just trying to be helpful.

One thing is for sure, if you stay inside and watch TV or play computer games, this is not helping anyone and the relationship will just have a bad feeling about it.

Getting fresh air, swimming, walking, visiting places, scenery, going to the lama zoo, riding horses, running on the beach, dancing on the beach, climbing trees .... walking in a storm, singing in the rain.

These things will bring you back to ... happy.

Go salsa once a week with a group class ?

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14 minutes ago, rideforever said:

 

Well ... I'm just trying to be helpful.

One thing is for sure, if you stay inside and watch TV or play computer games, this is not helping anyone and the relationship will just have a bad feeling about it.

Getting fresh air, swimming, walking, visiting places, scenery, going to the lama zoo, riding horses, running on the beach, dancing on the beach, climbing trees .... walking in a storm, singing in the rain.

These things will bring you back to ... happy.

Go salsa once a week with a group class ?

Thanks, that's much better as a suggestion. Indeed, I planned to go out of town for a weekend and enjoy nature. And yes I agree is better than the electric brain. In this way it's a test to know how much can we tolerate each other... just kidding...

Thanks a bunch

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Any other suggestions out of going out for spending time together doing activities. What about dealing with being forgetful even though she takes her medications? Will I need to set rules and structure to see if that works or is there anything else to suggest?

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Posted (edited)

rules and structure seem to be the main things therapists suggest. But i think that's bs, considering that's opposite their nature. That being said, i think rules and structure can be implemented after more core needs are met. Such as feeling confident through a hobby or career where they can excel and demonstrate what they're capable even though/due to having add/adhd.

 

 

This is my personal opinion and also based on the idea that i don't completely believe in add/adhd. About being forgetful and any other issues as a result of adhd, don't worry about being forgetful specifically. Or not paying attention. These are on the surface issues.

These have to do with presence, conscientiousness, awareness.

 

They can do other things that are conducive to attaining those skills or characteristics. E.g .yoga, meditation. For anxiety/restlessness/too much energy, exercise, stretch, etc. etc.

 

There's a reason people have or attain certain qualities such as those of add/adhd. The only way out of it is to change or add the habits that can go against it.

 

As a result, just one time. Maybe there will be that one time, where they are about to forget something, but they remember not to. And then maybe they can ride that wave to keep on remembering. This is of course, best case scenario. But there's no denying that life can work in this way for all of us.

Edited by welkin

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Problem is that modern culture is very screwed up ... even if you fixed your adhd then you would get it back next week due to you still living in the same place in the same way.

So unfortunately one has to unlearn and relearn the right way to live.

Alienation, atomisation, isolation, urbanisation, consumerisations, technofication ... all these things cause mental diseases.

It's not about habits or diagnoses ... few therapists will explain to you that the entire society is insane.

A good rule of thumb is to live the way people lives .... in the past.

Making home cooked food fresh.

Living with very limited technology use, especially remove from your life high-octane technology, violence and sex and overstimulation.

Replace with books and good friends and walks in the forest and working with your hands.

Replace bad things with good things one step at a time; one has to be very brave.

 

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On 6/15/2019 at 11:41 AM, Mig said:

Any other suggestions out of going out for spending time together doing activities. What about dealing with being forgetful even though she takes her medications? Will I need to set rules and structure to see if that works or is there anything else to suggest?

How about trying acceptance and patience? Setting up rules and structure for an adult woman, a potential life partner, so that they please you with their behavior and actions is just about as rational as trying to bathe a feral cat and it will not go well.

 

Why would you impose your way on to her rather than accept her and support the decisions she makes for herself and how she wants to live her life?

 

Without out acceptance of her, all of her, there can be no relationship. If she is not allowed to be herself with you but rather a made up version that is more pleasing and acceptable to you based on your rules and structure what is the point of the relationship? Who is this relationship fulfilling? You? What is in it for her?

 

All too often folks believe they can change another, "fix" them, when the reality is that you can not change another. Change comes from within. It is your job to accept her, love her, and support her efforts to better herself. She needs a partner not a father figure to tell her she is a bad girl who has broken broken the rules.

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1 hour ago, Kar3n said:

Setting up rules and structure for an adult woman, a potential life partner, so that they please you with their behavior and actions is just about as rational as trying to bathe a feral cat and it will not go well.

 

It's so tempting for us men to want to do that in this type of situation. We are straightforward problem solvers...although in the case of women, they require a lot more mental flexibility than what most of us are used to dealing with, if we want to fix problems between us.

 

...


It's tough... To be with someone who naturally treats people like doormats, while not allowing oneself to be treated like a doormat. How is such a thing possible?

I guess if you enjoy spending time with them so much, and care about their flakiness toward you so little, maybe it could work. You'd have to be really chill about things naturally, and essentially not care.

I would advise you not to be "forgiving" of them, or to try to be "patient". If you can pull such things off now, you'll grow to resent them for it later...these things are a form of repression. Why be in such a stressful relationship?

Also, I agree with welkin, that ADD/ADHD people lack conscientiousness (at least in my experience with them). They are inconsiderate of others at their core, and take care of themselves above all else.

So basically, I have no helpful advice for what to do about this. Good luck!

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2 minutes ago, Aetherous said:

 

 

It's so tempting for us men to want to do that in this type of situation. We are straightforward problem solvers...although in the case of women, they require a lot more mental flexibility than what most of us are used to dealing with, if we want to fix problems between us.

 

...


It's tough... To be with someone who naturally treats people like doormats, while not allowing oneself to be treated like a doormat. How is such a thing possible?

I guess if you enjoy spending time with them so much, and care about their flakiness toward you so little, maybe it could work. You'd have to be really chill about things naturally, and essentially not care.

I would advise you not to be "forgiving" of them, or to try to be "patient". If you can pull such things off now, you'll grow to resent them for it later...these things are a form of repression. Why be in such a stressful relationship?

Also, I agree with welkin, that ADD/ADHD people lack conscientiousness (at least in my experience with them). They are inconsiderate of others at their core, and take care of themselves above all else.

So basically, I have no helpful advice for what to do about this. Good luck!

The whole point of my post is that if you have to fix a person and mold them to be pleasing to you then you're in a relationship with the wrong person.

 

No one should be treated as a doormat. Life is too short to settle for a project disguised as a relationship.

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Speaking as someone in a relationship with a mentally ill person, I´d seriously consider walking the other way.  A good question to ask: what is it in me that´s attracted to a person whose likely to have trouble paying attention to me?

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4 hours ago, Kar3n said:

The whole point of my post is that if you have to fix a person and mold them to be pleasing to you then you're in a relationship with the wrong person.

 

No one should be treated as a doormat. Life is too short to settle for a project disguised as a relationship.

 

Sorry if it seemed like my entire post was directed toward you; after the dots it was just a reply to the thread in general.

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On 6/21/2019 at 9:07 PM, welkin said:

rules and structure seem to be the main things therapists suggest. But i think that's bs, considering that's opposite their nature. That being said, i think rules and structure can be implemented after more core needs are met. Such as feeling confident through a hobby or career where they can excel and demonstrate what they're capable even though/due to having add/adhd.

 

 

This is my personal opinion and also based on the idea that i don't completely believe in add/adhd. About being forgetful and any other issues as a result of adhd, don't worry about being forgetful specifically. Or not paying attention. These are on the surface issues.

These have to do with presence, conscientiousness, awareness.

 

They can do other things that are conducive to attaining those skills or characteristics. E.g .yoga, meditation. For anxiety/restlessness/too much energy, exercise, stretch, etc. etc.

 

There's a reason people have or attain certain qualities such as those of add/adhd. The only way out of it is to change or add the habits that can go against it.

 

As a result, just one time. Maybe there will be that one time, where they are about to forget something, but they remember not to. And then maybe they can ride that wave to keep on remembering. This is of course, best case scenario. But there's no denying that life can work in this way for all of us.

I have been thinking this over and over. I had similar experience with a lady who suffered from anxiety and other mental challenges, not dementia or other. The fact that they justify, oh it is because I suffer from x,y and z therefore I forget but other things they don't forget, it is a very tough one.

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On 6/22/2019 at 8:59 AM, Kar3n said:

The whole point of my post is that if you have to fix a person and mold them to be pleasing to you then you're in a relationship with the wrong person.

 

No one should be treated as a doormat. Life is too short to settle for a project disguised as a relationship.

It is true we can not fix someone but if the person needs a support and they need rules and structure, what are you going to do? Let them loose and see if they fix themselves when clearly they cannot. It is just looking at a blind man to fall in a hole that he is not aware and doesn't know where he is  and I will say, he'll figure out, I let him find his way where clearly he will fall in the hole.

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On 6/22/2019 at 8:50 AM, Aetherous said:

 

 

It's so tempting for us men to want to do that in this type of situation. We are straightforward problem solvers...although in the case of women, they require a lot more mental flexibility than what most of us are used to dealing with, if we want to fix problems between us.

 

...


It's tough... To be with someone who naturally treats people like doormats, while not allowing oneself to be treated like a doormat. How is such a thing possible?

I guess if you enjoy spending time with them so much, and care about their flakiness toward you so little, maybe it could work. You'd have to be really chill about things naturally, and essentially not care.

I would advise you not to be "forgiving" of them, or to try to be "patient". If you can pull such things off now, you'll grow to resent them for it later...these things are a form of repression. Why be in such a stressful relationship?

Also, I agree with welkin, that ADD/ADHD people lack conscientiousness (at least in my experience with them). They are inconsiderate of others at their core, and take care of themselves above all else.

So basically, I have no helpful advice for what to do about this. Good luck!

Well your input is always helpful. And you are very right they take care of themselves and manage better than others who are supposedly normal.

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On 6/22/2019 at 11:21 AM, liminal_luke said:

Speaking as someone in a relationship with a mentally ill person, I´d seriously consider walking the other way.  A good question to ask: what is it in me that´s attracted to a person whose likely to have trouble paying attention to me?

excellent observation. It is a million dollar question and I have some answer to that. I have noticed that type of women, the attraction is beyond the mental issues, it is more compatibility, great fun and much more understanding than the regular women I have seen in the past. I guess every case is different and it is interesting to listen others with their opinions. Also, in this particular case, it is important to learn to act without attachment (wuwei) and do the best you can as long as you are having fun.

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1 hour ago, Mig said:

It is true we can not fix someone but if the person needs a support and they need rules and structure, what are you going to do? Let them loose and see if they fix themselves when clearly they cannot. It is just looking at a blind man to fall in a hole that he is not aware and doesn't know where he is  and I will say, he'll figure out, I let him find his way where clearly he will fall in the hole.

If the blind man is an adult and has been around the block a time or two he knows where the hole is and will keep from falling into it if he pays close enough attention to his footing and the lack of response from his support cane touching the ground.

 

You're going to do as you will, but setting personal rules for someone else is a recipe for disaster. Resentment will take hold after being scolded and she will rebel in a big way.

 

Good luck.

 

 

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2 hours ago, Mig said:

It is true we can not fix someone but if the person needs a support and they need rules and structure, what are you going to do? Let them loose and see if they fix themselves when clearly they cannot. It is just looking at a blind man to fall in a hole that he is not aware and doesn't know where he is  and I will say, he'll figure out, I let him find his way where clearly he will fall in the hole.

 

1 hour ago, Kar3n said:

If the blind man is an adult and has been around the block a time or two he knows where the hole is and will keep from falling into it if he pays close enough attention to his footing and the lack of response from his support cane touching the ground.

 

You're going to do as you will, but setting personal rules for someone else is a recipe for disaster. Resentment will take hold after being scolded and she will rebel in a big way.

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

I feel for you here, Mig, I really do.  Because I´m in a very similar situation with my partner.  He has a serious mental illness and I want to help him by setting up rules and creating health-promoting wellness programs.  This fix-it mentality of mine -- and perhaps yours --  is a problem.  It´s a problem no matter how much the other person might appear to need our help.  I´ve really no business telling you this as it´s still a lesson I´m learning myself.  Still, Kar3n is right here.  I hate that she´s right but she is.

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On 6/22/2019 at 6:51 AM, Kar3n said:

She needs a partner not a father figure to tell her she is a bad girl who has broken broken the rules.

 

Actually, there are men/women out there who DO WANT a parental figure as a significant other.

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56 minutes ago, Dynasty said:

 

Actually, there are men/women out there who DO WANT a parental figure as a significant other.

Entirely right, just like someone wants love from another individual or wants to please his/her partner. I don't understand why everything has to be in one box and nothing else. Indeed, there are relationships as Daddy and little girl and we cannot generalize even those terms, different people with different likes or choices.

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