Sign in to follow this  
Mulan

Drained energy and body( need some advice)

Recommended Posts

Hi guys This is my first post and I'm looking for any advice.  I’m trying  to change my life for better now step by step. I been living all my life driven by lust alcohol computer games porn, fake friends, no real life really, been killing my body all life, the depression for big part of my life was my body's cry for help which I ignored it with more porn and other bad habits, until I couldn't take it anymore.

 

My story is real shame for me, you can skip it.

 

I have clear memory of my childhood, I was pretty energetic kid, I remember my first bike my first friend how we spent our days claiming the trees traveling to forests playing in the yard all this child stuff. At about 8 or 9 years old I discovered porn, I find VCR tape at my uncle’s house played it and started masturbating. Remember this day like it was yesterday remember all the scenes, the name of the tape the music and everything. Wish that never happen but it did. So, from that day I was addicted to masturbating. I did it almost daily I had this huge energy and spent it all ejaculating. I used to do it almost every morning before school, that where it all went bad, my grades went bad I had no concentration, at the first grades I was tough popular kid in my class, but masturbation addiction ruined everything. Around 5th grade kids started to bullying me I couldn’t stand for myself so I just waited for school to finish, to go home and masturbate. did this routine until I finish a school at 16 and went to other country with my parents. I was completely drained when I look to my old photos I don’t recognise myself, I looked like zombie, had horrible blue circles under my eyes no motivation nothing all my friends was online game friends that time. So, at 16 I started to go to college in a new country but my masturbation habits continued, I had fast internet access. find new friends, recovered physically a bit, my diet was good even until now, people didn’t bully me, started to go out with my friends, and so on... But I still had my porn addiction and masturbated daily until I was completely drained. I always was a follower never had any motivation in life to do something, been working to get money to spend my money on computer games and parties with my friends. Maybe everything would go different if I didn’t masturbate daily sometimes like 5 times a day until last year. I started having anxiety I was overthinking everything. Masturbating to even more hardcore porn. Until I just couldn’t take it anymore and I understood that it was all the masturbation who cause this. I supressed all my fears all my emotions by this stupid habit, didn’t felt any emotions, I was overthinking all non-sense things all my life. So, I tried to quit porn and masturbation with a lot of relapses.

Until last year I went for 70 + days and everything started to come to surface.

 

I thought I was going insane I been reading lots of forums about withdrafts symptoms, so I knew that I need to keep strong and let all these emotions to come up. This is where it gets interesting my emotions was changing every single minute, around day 40 I was so motivated full of energy I had a call from a nice lady for a job interview. I spoke so clearly everything was so joyful. after 10 minutes one of the biggest depression came up. I knew that its an emotion and I need to let it out of my body don’t supress it with other toxic habits. later on that day I spoke with 1 neighbour another emotion came up, it was the same feeling what i felt back in my school long time ago when my class mates started to bully me and I went to freeze mode.

I was speaking with my neighbour and I froze he felt it but didn’t say anything so I went to my room and let it flow. Later that day my friend came and we went to bookies, I saw the security guy and I felt so sorry for him that I almost started to cry this big sadness and being sorry emotion came up. Later on I went home and I felt that something big will happen.  I closed my doors and went to sleep. At around 3 AM I woke up from this lucid dream that I was chased in a corner and had no where to run. I jumped of my bed and went out of my room knocking on my neighbour’s door screaming      for help I though I’m going insane, my body went to fight or flight response physically mentally and emotionally . After about 30 minutes I calmed a bit, I was able to breathe, I went to bed but didn’t sleep for like 3 days my mind and emotion was not stable, I didn’t eat anything only drank water and went straight to toilet, my urine was very dark I believed that my kidneys was physically cleansing. So from that time i though things will go normal flow but it didn’t, I over think and I was emotional sensitive like never, all the TV and computer games was fake for me even now. around day 50-70 when I went to bed I been doing belly breathing. I felt this huge energy circulating over my body I was reliving all my childhood emotions again, all this smells everything was so good, I was able to fall asleep shut my mind, and stay awake its like my body was sleeping but I felt everything I heard the sounds and surroundings. I had lots of lucid dreams, every dream was associated with supressed emotion, Its like I was awake in my dream I knew that I’m dreaming and feeling this strong emotions, all over, all this emotions had physical responses as well. Well lots of more stuff happen but its a long story anyway. So after all this I couldn’t just be outside around other people because of this strange attraction which everyone around me and I felt. So I relapsed and masturbated. Ever since I been masturbating around once a week, because I don’t know where to redirect my energy because I’m unemployed at the moment and I don’t know what I want from life.

 

The real reason I post all this is to ask you some questions guys which was bothering me all my life. Could it be that I wasted to much semen by masturbating and shock all my nervous system? I been doing it for around 20 years daily even multiple times daily. I’m 28 years old and look like 18, I think all this early masturbation stunt my puberty and I didn’t went through it, my bones are to thin they really didn’t grow up. My hands are like 12 year old everybody all my life commented that, my nose bridge is to thin. Its like I’m living in a child’s body, I don’t have any body hair only pubic and armpit. The most scary thing to me is that my genitals shrunken. Could it be that I did irreversible damage to my body by over masturbating? I never ever let my sexual energy build in my life even for 1 week I been ejaculating to porn until I was completely drained.

 

Any comments would be appreciated.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey man 

 

Some story.. 

No expert here but i can relate to some you were saying.

I also go on and off with porn and the very same happens to me when i stop 

I too have repetitive dreams(that once you face your fears in them they turn lucid)  one of them is being chased down always an inch of getting caught at life risk the whole time. 

When i wake up the feeling is still there, that anxiety that someone is out to kill you. 

 

To my best understanding, this is a repressed emotion from my childhood that i cannot allow myself to feel consciously so when you give it the opportunity it first comes in your dreams. Its an undeveloped emotion so you feel it just like the child did there for it feels like  you are actually in life danger. 

 

At some point the numbness is unbearable and you choose to experience the pain instead. That just how things go in my experience.

It sounds like your'e making progress, not going insane. :)

As for your body, i think once we dont waste energy on holding back emotions we might discover we have immense healing powers. ;) 

 

You can Pm me if you want.

Yinja 

 

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You have dark patches under eyes and dark urine because your kidneys are too Yang and this is actually because Yin deficiency.

Now you are young but soon will reach 40 and your body will start collapse due to adrenal exhaustion.

You have to stop and recover your kidney Yin.

Do meditation, calm your mind, spend time in nature, figure out what you want from your rest of your life.

Take supplements like Calcium, Magnesium, Zinc, Selenium, Fish Oil, Borrage Oil to restore hormonal balance.

Also plenty of vitamin C from natural sources (not pills) helps adrenal glands recovery.

Give your adrenals rest, plenty of sleep and meditation and they will recover.

When you start having erotic dreams, boners and ejaculation during sleep is a sign that they are replenished and ready to function again.

But don't waste your semen, use it as a motivation to go out, meet girls, have a social life, go to parties, learn dancing, take yoga classes, or even better make money. If you keep your semen your brain is sharper and you learn things faster and harder, and you have an edge over competition. Go to gym and build some testosteron naturally.

 

There is a site that helps people with your problem: Dr Lin's actionlove.com, he has herbal formulas to recover adrenals.

Edited by Andrei
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for reply, I will increase my vitamin intake also ordered some tonic herbs, will try to change my life style, hopefully things will get better in a long run.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I liked Andrei's advice.  I'd add, let the past die.  No more blaming actions on the past. 

 

Your body has an amazing ability to recover, just get out of its way.  You don't want to play games or see porn, delete them from your computer.  There are apps and programs that can keep you from going there.  Similarly, to clean up your diet, keep the crappy stuff out of your house and only eat in, or brown bag it.  Keep things simple and eliminate choices.. for a while.. a few months of discipline and you should see your life turn around.

 

Also, don't be too hard on yourself either.   Seems to me it's the going overboard that's tripping you up.  See if you can enjoy some small releases without tripping yourself up with excess.  Find the skillful means that allows that and you're on a solid path.     Skillful means = having strategies in place; plan a, b, c & d. 

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi,

 

Nature has huge recovery ability and so does your body - being part of nature.  The things you were into - porn and gaming - are only stimulating you visually and mentally - a kind of over stimulation in one dimension if you like.  You can recover from this but you've got to give it a chance to happen, to restore good balance and ease to your physical and subtle body.  Good physical exercise like a well taught martial art or qi gong might be worth trying plus a good diet of unprocessed food, short sessions of shamatha style meditation might help also - if you can find a good local teacher of these things that would be excellent-  Just see your past as what it was and resolve to cultivate health and energy from now on - with a good heart you will build confidence quite quickly I think.

 

  • Like 9

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You should lift weights, get a job (preferably a physical outdoors job), and eat whole foods.

Also think about if you need help dealing with emotions, and perhaps see a counselor for that. For instance...having a panic attack, then not eating anything for 3 days, is extreme. Feeling really good when talking to the interviewer, and then suddenly falling into a depression and becoming super sensitive, isn't normal...those are too high and too low of extreme emotions.

 

It's not healthy to pin all of your problems on your sexuality. Emotions and negative self-talk play a big role in health. Lack of exercise might also play a role. When you were younger, I suspect that diet played a role (poor diet and lack of outdoor exercise can cause those dark circles under the eyes).

Sure, masturbation causes some loss...but it's a challenging thing to quit, and ruminating over how failing to quit is making you worse is going to do more damage than anything, in my opinion. Just try to be relaxed about it and not have that negative self-talk.

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Aetherous said:


Sure, masturbation causes some loss...but it's a challenging thing to quit, and ruminating over how failing to quit is making you worse is going to do more damage than anything, in my opinion. 

 

Agreed.  Excessive masturbation is bad.  Excessive worry about masturbation -- even worse.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Relax.......I can feel your anxiety over the internet. You need to chill. Worrying about this only makes it worse,.

This is about channeling your energy...which apparently you have lots of. Sex is energy... try focusing that energy on something that will help you feel better about yourself..learn something new...tai chi..yoga..qigong...music...education, take your pick and put your attention there. Where you put your attention, you lead your energy. “Ki leads the chi”

most of all...don’t be so hard on yourself. We are just visiting this world to learn. You’re fine mate...........

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for replies guys, First time in my life I'm learning awareness  of my body and feelings, learning to accept my self as I'm. All my life I had negative thoughts about my self, I'm aware now that they're always been there even when I'm thinking of something else, its like repeating pattern. Just trying to stay present and feel everything not to overthink. Still releasing all kinds of emotions and energy blockages. Physical body is very fatigue always feeling cold and tired, trying to move more, doing some light jogging, walking,  body weight exercises. Foods high in magnesium and supplements somehow makes my emotions and dreams very vivid, waking up at nights with tense feelings, don't even know what I'm feeling completely lost, I hope its a good sign and means that my body is slowly recovering and cleansing from toxins. Also Iodine has strange reactions on my body. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/14/2018 at 6:00 PM, Mulan said:

Thanks for replies guys, First time in my life I'm learning awareness  of my body and feelings, learning to accept my self as I'm. All my life I had negative thoughts about my self, I'm aware now that they're always been there even when I'm thinking of something else, its like repeating pattern. Just trying to stay present and feel everything not to overthink. Still releasing all kinds of emotions and energy blockages. Physical body is very fatigue always feeling cold and tired, trying to move more, doing some light jogging, walking,  body weight exercises. Foods high in magnesium and supplements somehow makes my emotions and dreams very vivid, waking up at nights with tense feelings, don't even know what I'm feeling completely lost, I hope its a good sign and means that my body is slowly recovering and cleansing from toxins. Also Iodine has strange reactions on my body. 

 

I am a healer. PM me if you'd like some help. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sign in to follow this