zerostao

You might be a Daaoist, if...

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Have you ever heard those corny "You might be a redneck, if......" jokes? There are usually some funny 'truths' contained in many of the jokes. Heavily spun, but still something familiar going on.
The word is that there is a newly found trove of 'You might be a Daoist, if....' writings found in a cave at an unmentioned Daoist shan. They are being examined for authenticity, and the contents have not been revealed.
I thought we could come up with our own 'truths' and compare those to the actual ones when they are fully disclosed at a time yet to be determined.
Alternatively, a 'You might be a Dao Bum, if....' entries are suitable.

I'll start off with an example of how it could work.

You might be a Daoist if you sit and forget.
And I"ll add an alternative/
You might be a Dao Bum if you sit and forget you've been logged on TDB for 14 straight hours.

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:)

 

Sitting-forgetting is more of a Chan thing...

 

You might be a taoist if you...  well, how do I make a corny joke out of this situation.  I came to see my teacher one day and told him I would have to keep my stances high that day because I woke up with a nasty leg cramp which traumatized the muscle enough to leave behind the kind of lingering pain you get from an injury.  It took me a while to try to explain to him what a "leg cramp" is.  He didn't recognize the phenomenon and was left perplexed as to what I was talking about.  Then, halfway through the practice, he suddenly stopped and said, "Wait...  I think I know what you mean.  I had a dream once.  In that dream I was fighting with someone.  I kicked him.  And then, after kicking him, I couldn't relax my leg.  I had to wake up to relax it.  Is that what happened to you?"

 

OK, I think I got it.  You might be a taoist if you need to wake up in order to relax.      

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18 hours ago, zerostao said:


You might be a Dao Bum if you sit and forget you've been logged on TDB for 14 straight hours.

 

This is me minus the sitting :blush:

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Ok, it seems I don't quite have it figured out about Daoists although my attempt at the alternative Dao Bum went better. Hopefully, perseverance is a Daoist trait. Relaxed has been identified as a Daoist trait on this thread (most excellent).  I will make another attempt.
You may be a Daoist if you ever slept in a hollow mulberry tree (and especially if you used that occasion to change the weather).  
Alternative; You may be a Dao Bum if you ever thought of igniting a crumpled brown paper bag with your intent.

Edited by zerostao
word change
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On 7/16/2017 at 10:29 AM, zerostao said:

Ok, it seems I don't quite have it figured out about Daoists although my attempt at the alternative Dao Bum went better. Hopefully, perseverance is a Daoist trait. Relaxed has been identified as a Daoist trait on this thread (most excellent).  I will make another attempt.
You may be a Daoist if you ever slept in a hollow mulberry tree (and especially if you used that occasion to change the weather).  
Alternative; You may be a Dao Bum if you ever thought of igniting a crumpled brown paper bag with your intent.

 

Good ones.  Let's see...

 

Slept in a tree (not a mulberry tree but a melaleuca though) -- check

Changed the weather (redirected two hurricanes) -- check

No pyromaniac assaults on paper bags but moved a match with intent -- check

 

Here's another possibility:

you may be a taoist if you take random street signs for the voices of tianzun addressing you personally.  E.g., I'm driving home where I have rather tedious but necessary to-do stuff lined up but feel like going to the beach instead, debating with myself.  On my way there's some road construction in progress, a lane is closed, and a sign jumps at me that says, "Stay in."  So, with a sigh, I abandon the beach idea.  A more mysterious sign on three large boxes a vehicle in front of me is transporting.  Each says in large red letters, "Do not use forks."  I'm not sure what that is all about, but for the next three days, I only eat with chopsticks.  Might be a taoist thing.    

Edited by Taomeow
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16 minutes ago, Taomeow said:

 

Good ones.  Let's see...

 

Slept in a tree (not a mulberry tree but a melaleuca though) -- check

Changed the weather (redirected two hurricanes) -- check

No pyromaniac assaults on paper bags but moved a match with intent -- check

 

Here's another possibility:

you may be a taoist if you take random street signs for the voices of tianzun addressing you personally.  E.g., I'm driving home where I have rather tedious but necessary to-do stuff lined up but feel like going to the beach instead, debating with myself.  On my way there's some road construction in progress, a lane is closed, and a sign jumps at me that says, "Stay in."  So, with a sigh, I abandon the beach idea.  A more mysterious sign on three large boxed a vehicle in front of me is transporting.  Each says in large red letters, "Do not use forks."   I'm not sure what that is all about, but for the next three days, I only eat with chopsticks.  Might be a taoist thing.    

 

"Do not use forks" :ph34r: "for the next three days, I only eat with chopsticks. :lol:

 

Another example of life being stranger than fiction. :wub:

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You might be a Taoist if the drama of life seems like it is not real and wonder what all the fuss is about.

 

You might be a Taoist if you put on your pants on one leg at a time but it is not you putting the pants on.

 

You might be a Taoist if water washes the dishes, fire cooks dinner and a metal knife does all the cutting giving us all a lot of free time to enjoy the journey.

Edited by Wu Ming Jen
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you might be a Daoist if you have big white fluffy eyebrows that resemble a catapillar

 

:-)

 

 

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54 minutes ago, sagebrush said:

you might be a Daoist if you have big white fluffy eyebrows that resemble a catapillar

 

:-)

 

 

 

That's a sure sign.

 

Mine are neither white nor resemble caterpillars or Instagram eyebrows (the latter a sure sign you are not a taoist, not even close), but sometime after I took up taoist practices, they started sprouting whiskers.  The kind you see over the eyes of a cat.  Of course I had to trim them, so nobody knows I have them.  But after a while I became curious -- how long will they grow if I just let them?  I left just one on each eyebrow untouched, to watch the dynamics.  In a couple of months I ran out of patience waiting for them to stop growing (they never did) and trimmed again.   

 

Someday if I wind up a taoist hermit, I'll let them all grow out, see what they're really like.  

 

Careful with those taoist practices.    

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2 hours ago, Brian said:

Mine now grow profusely, too.

 

They say it's a prerequisite for immortality (though unfortunately not a guarantee) if you start growing a few extra long hairs out of your eyebrows. 

 

Mine don't grow "profusely" thank god, it's just that a few hairs in the middle turned into whiskers -- it's not a metaphor, they are exactly like cat's whiskers, completely straight, tapered at the end and growing upward at a 45 degree angle, antenna-like.  In addition to "might be a taoist/taobum," looks like I might be a cat.   

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Yeah, it's not all of them -- just a half-dozen or so on each side that grow surprisingly fast.  They are straighter and stiffer than the rest.

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This is cracking me up! The exact same thing has been happening to me, but I have had much less interesting and fun interpretations. :D  Thank you!

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Yeah, I have the eyebrow thing too. Unfortunately, I seem to have hairs sprouting from my nose and ears as well. :unsure:

 

Maybe I should stop practicing tai chi ...

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43 minutes ago, morning dew said:

Yeah, I have the eyebrow thing too. Unfortunately, I seem to have hairs sprouting from my nose and ears as well. :unsure:

 

Maybe I should stop practicing tai chi ...

No, that's because of your Neanderthal ancestry.

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tsk --back on topic: you might be a daoist IF you have atleast one copy of tao te ching

AND read the book in its entirety

 

 

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1 hour ago, morning dew said:

Yeah, I have the eyebrow thing too. Unfortunately, I seem to have hairs sprouting from my nose and ears as well. :unsure:

 

Maybe I should stop practicing tai chi ...

Or stop having birthdays?

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1 hour ago, Marblehead said:

No, that's because of your Neanderthal ancestry.

 

Hmm ... so wanting to go live in a cave in nature may have nothing to do with my reading the DDJ/ZZ then either … :lol:

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12 hours ago, Taomeow said:

.  In addition to "might be a taoist/taobum," looks like I might be a cat.   

black_cat_white_whiskers.jpg

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39 minutes ago, Marblehead said:

A Daoist cat.  Look at those eyes.  They say "Don't mess with me."

 

 

well, doesn't he/she fits the bill of the immortal? Look at whose eyebrows...

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