Giving someone constructive criticism

[daimai]

I have a friend who I would like to give constructive feedback to, especially regarding their behavior.

 

We started hanging out when we were both loners, and I quickly got my life hygiene back together and I began to realize what toxic behavioral traits he exibits on a regular basis.

 

I'm hesitant because what I feel I need to tell him is brutal, even though it's the truth, and it would provoke a shock period and his reaction may be unpredictable. I have the impression that because he doesn't have much friends or get much feedback no one has told him these things, but they make hanging out with him an unbearable experience.

 

I'm also highly tempted to ignore him and let him sort his stuff out, but we have gotten someone more close in these last few months as we are both interested in similar kinds of subjects.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

[words]

Rather than pointing out what you perceive as negative traits (which will be met with resistance, in most cases), offer alternative points of view/angles of looking at things. 

 

In my experience, lending a hand or pulling someone from a (inner) 'dark space' involves meeting them where they currently are.

 

You can't really save someone from drowning by standing on the side and yelling 'you are an awful swimmer, get yourself together and get out!'. You have to be willing to get in the water and pull them out, or at least throw a life saver, if you think they might have a chance to reach it.

 

Also, ask yourself why do you want to intervene? is it really for his sake or for yours (as in to change him into someone who'd be more pleasant for you)? a sincere answer to this question should offer you more clarity.

[thelerner]

As a schemer who bats 50/50 here is what I might do. 

 

In a conversation tell him you have a problem with.. your own hygiene, bad breath, smelly pits or something and that this Spring you're going to do something about it because its hurting your life.  (*note it might help to be more disheveled during this talk)  People are staying away from you, giving you funny looks because of it.  Plus its just not healthy for your body or mind.  

 

You're going to start working on it soon.  Out of curiosity, would he like in, you've just bought a boatload of cheap soap and deodorant and you're more then willing to share. 

 

This is the- 'It's not you, it's Me', method of easing into difficult land mine conversations.  If it doesn't work, in the future you can keep saying what you're doing and tout the benefits.  Maybe get some insights into why he's reluctant. 

 

Try every few months or so, then give up.  His life. 

[sagebrush]

 

I could use some chlorophyll.

[liminal_luke]

 I have the impression that because he doesn't have much friends or get much feedback no one has told him these things, but they make hanging out with him an unbearable experience.

 

 

You`re hesitant to give your friend "constructive criticism" and rightly so.  Other people mostly don`t want to listen to criticism, no matter how accurate or well-meant.  I know I don`t.

 

I think what you can do is talk about your own experience.  You say that hanging out with him is an unbearable experience, so somethings got to give.  Either you stop hanging out with him or you guys talk.  When you talk, don`t criticize -- constructively or otherwise.  Instead, explain the inner conflict that hanging out with him is bringing up in you.

 

You might say something like this...

 

I`m feeling some uneasiness with our friendship right now.  It might be easier for me to just back away from you and not have this conversation, a conversation which is difficult for me, but I`m willing to take the risk of speaking up because you mean so much to me and I don`t want to lose you as a friend.  When we first got to know each other, we were both loners so we have that in common.  Also, we`re interested in a lot of the same subjects and I really enjoy talking about XYZ with you.  Lately, however I`ve noticed you doing yadda yadda yadda and when you do that I feel yadda yadda yadda.  What do you think?  

Edited January 15, 2017 by liminal_luke

[cheya]

Don't know this will be any help, but it has been helpful to me in similar situations, when I feel that being direct is going to be too painful, or just won't work with that person.

See if you can embed the message in a story about some unnamed other, a story that taught you something, and a story that you value. Don't be super specific. And don't try to cover all the feedback in one story.   

 

 Some really good teachers have used this technique on me, so well that it took me a couple days to realize the story not only applied to me as well, but was probably directed at me in the first place! The best one was when the teacher told the story to my practice partner. As a mere bystander, I was all ears.    Since the story wasn't directed me, I wasn't at all defensive... which I would have been for sure had I realized he was talking about me. 

 

Good luck!

[steve]

When I am with someone that is doing something I find uncomfortable, the most important thing is to not contribute or facilitate.

That alone can be challenging.

 

The first step could be to simply create space around whatever is happening.

if we don't react or contribute, that space may help the other person to see what they are doing, recognize that you are not contributing or reacting, get a clue that you are not on board, and that alone may shift the dynamic. 

 

I think the next step, if you are comfortable with it, would be to follow Liminal's advice. 

For me it is spot on.

[Aetherous]

Doesn't your friend have some good qualities? Focus on those. Viewing our friends as negative or unbearable to be around is a problem in us, not necessarily in them.