Mandrake

Collective dating advice from our traditions

Recommended Posts

Would just be interested in hearing your views on relationships - serious partnerships that is.

 

Mainly looking for input from spiritual traditions, and experience from you who have it under your belt. No loose speculations from teenagers please (no offence, let's be real).

 

I know that the Daoist and Indian traditions have some concrete advice here. And then there is insight from people here who also happen to cultivate, and learn to know themselves at deep layers.

 

How would you choose between multiple possible partners?

 

 

Yours,

Mandrake

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

IME energetic polarity between individuals seems to play a large role in attraction. It seems to play a larger role than any other factor...IMO. Keeping a balance in that polarity seems to also play a large role in maintaining the relationship.

 

Couples seem to subconsciously try and pull the other to there polarity and depolarize them....thus end up being dissatisfied with the relationship as it often results in a lack of energetic tension. It's a dance that a person should be aware of and know how to tango with...IMO. Way of the Superior Man by David Deida is an outstanding book that comments a great deal on this topic. Well worth reading. :)

 

Choosing between multiple partners? To be honest I'd talk to both and get a feel for the individuals and also do a divination to understand the dynamics of push/pull factors at work, the probability of it being successful and the challenges that will be faced.

Edited by OldChi
  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How would you choose between multiple possible partners?

 

Which one would be the best mother for your children?

 

The Dao of relationship is ruled by Heaven: take care of your progeny and you'll have happiness. 

Edited by Cheshire Cat
  • Like 8

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How would you choose between multiple possible partners?

 

Well, this is what I've been working on...a weeding out process...

 

1) Chemistry has to be there as a prerequisite. No chemistry = why are you even in a relationship with them? Don't do it based on rationality alone, such as being lonely and just being with anyone to get rid of that feeling, or wanting to make babies and choosing a partner to just do that. If someone is "good enough", that means they're kind of undesirable to you...so break it off quickly. That's a complete waste of time. By chemistry I mean what we would call feelings of love for the other. You really desire them to be with you, sexually and also in a partnership in life. You're head over heels for them in all ways.

 

2) Compatibility has to be there. If you don't see eye to eye on most things, your partnership in life isn't going to be so solid. This includes what type of person they are, in terms of their character...what they think about things like politics, religion, popular culture, etc...and also what their life plans are. It is generally necessary to see eye to eye, rather than be polar opposites.

 

So without chemistry, no matter what they have to go because the relationship is pointless and opposed to nature.

 

If there is chemistry but no compatibility, such as in the case with "soul mates" (where you feel a super deep bond) more often than not, then they have to go. You have to be on the same level in many ways for the partnership to really work...simply having the feeling of love is inadequate and usually disastrous.

 

3) Respect has to be there. The other has to have a basic respect for themselves, a basic respect for others or what is known as decency, and most importantly a huge amount of respect for you and who you are. If respect isn't there, then love can never be there...respect is the foundation of love. If they don't respect themselves, you should know that people in relationships generally tend to view the significant other as being similar to themselves, so they will treat you like they treat themselves...with disrespect! That means they have to go.

 

If they respect themselves and you, but disrespect others, such as waiters at restaurants, then their basic decency isn't there, and what will happen when their view of who you are changes (because everyone and everything is constantly changing, in reality)? They will disrespect you just like all other people that aren't in their personal circle...so they have to go.

 

And if they respect themselves and all others, but disrespect you (which is actually very common phenomenon in our culture) that means there is absolutely no foundation for love, and they probably view the relationship in a rational way (such as wanting to not be alone, or wanting financial support) rather than in a sincere way. Dump em QUICK. Only choose to be with someone who has respect for themselves, you as their partner in life, and decency toward all people.

 

Having a big amount of respect for you is what causes them to care about you. To see you as human. So it's a fundamental key.

 

4) Do you genuinely care about them? This is true love, and not the feeling of love...it is altruistic love. Do you want them to succeed? Do you care about their dreams and ideals, and respect their personal creativity in life? Do you empathize with them if they're suffering for some reason? Basically think of how a parent cares about their kid, or how a best friend considers the other...do you also care that much about this person? If not, then perhaps this isn't the best relationship yet...and it's important to explore why that isn't the way things are...why don't you truly love them? And are you able to even after their personality or looks change?

 

Does their character speak to you, and inspire you? Do you have enormous respect for them as a person? These things will help build true love.

 

5) Is the relationship healthy? Do you consider each other to be advocates and team mates to one another? Do you have time that you set aside to communicate about the relationship between you two, and come up with problems and solutions? Do you work on goals together, as a team? Do you have time and space to live as individuals, where you work on your own dreams and plans (which is also extremely important in a long term relationship)? Is it fun?

 

...

 

So these are my ideas on how to weed the wrong people out of relationships, for the sake of eventually having a good relationship if it's within your destiny. I'm a single 30 year old male, but despite being single this is not speculation, and I've experienced many failures to which the solutions are encoded in the above. A couple of these ideas do come from spiritual traditions.

  • Like 9

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How would you choose between multiple possible partners?

 

I think nature will decide.

 

A lot of what happens in a relationship is actually predetermined and you are subconsciously aware of exactly the drama and lesson and/or growth you are setting yourself up for.

 

I have no idea how, but I've known instantaneously with my last two partners that we were going to date - one of them within a few seconds, the other one within 5 minutes. I also knew, respectively, "this one is for deep personal growth," and "this one is an annoying, quick, but meaningful lesson that I have to put myself through."

 

Ensure that your life is in balance, that you are in your element, and that you are on an excellent path - the one who aligns rapidly into your pace of life, who is basically already there with you, is a good partner. The one who is a diversion from your path, who requires that you create a totally separate dimension of mind to accommodate, is a teacher. If you're subconsciously attracted to this lesson, or just bored, you'll play the fool for long enough and repress the knowledge of what is happening for long enough to learn the lesson.

 

I'm just speaking from personal (very recent) experience with multiple relationships - could be that it doesn't apply at all to you. I also have no idea how I know when I'm going to start seeing someone, it's just a thing that happens.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Aetherous:

 

Massively good post. So many great points with reason and sense behind them. It is one thing to have an intuition about what is right, but another to bring words and clarity to in and have it in one's open awareness. And thanks for the article; I share those sentiments. You would probably find "Intellectuals", by Paul Johnson interesting; it deals with the same theme.

 

OldChi mentioned readings--which I think is very good, especially if the reading is confirmed in real life--and Taomeow mentioned Bazi. What about cultivation? When your energies are changed and balanced within, does the bazi hold as much value? Or, is there a difference regarding bazi if a person cultivates or not?

 

 

Mandrake

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The first time we fall helplessly in love,

we are in love with our own projected image.

Slowly, after many projections,

we recognize they are all alike at their core,

these ones to whom we are fatally drawn.

Slowly we recognize ourselves.

We have been falling in love with ourselves

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Years ago a person who worked for a dating service told me 'Opposites attract but they don't stay together.'

 

It can thrilling to be with someone who's totally different, but in the long run one needs compatibility.  You'll need to become best friends who respect as well as love each other.

 

So for OP's question I'll say compatibility, how well we click, how well our current and long term views align is the way I'd choose between potential mates.  

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Low love, low compatibility = 2 week fling

 

High love, low compatibllty = 6 - 12 months together, frequent arguments, painful breakup

 

Low love, high compatibility = 6-12 months together, frequent boredom, amicable breakup

 

Balanced love and compatibility = enduring relationship.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A few foundational compatibilities i find necessary:

- commitment to health and well-being, not too materialistic, interested in self cultivation, high IQ (of various types), considerate, compassionate...I can't do extreme extroverts who must constantly be going out to this or that event every night of the week. When it comes to compatibility in regards to having children, if I am looking, I seek balance for my body type, namely someone not super slender (because I am), with dense connective tissue (to balance my loose connective tissue), someone more mentally stable than me (cause I'm poco loco)....never hurts if they are a super hot freaky piece of eye candy. As I am bipolar and emotionally sensitive, I should avoid other people with similar fire. I think I am mostly fire and air, with some wood, and metal....so what - find earth & water to balance? Hmmm...EDIT: also, since I am prone to substance abuse, I would seek a more grounded, non-substance abuser who would keep me in check- someone to tame my wild side. Avoid codependency and enablers at all costs, or else get taken down the road to hell! ;)

Edited by Songtsan
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/5/2015 at 3:10 PM, Aetherous said:

 

Well, this is what I've been working on...a weeding out process...

 

DATING ADVICE REVIVAL

 

that whole post was really great, Aetherous!!!    

in the book "Advice From a Spiritual Friend"  Padmasambhava is quoted as advising not to pick someone for dual cultivation who is promiscuous.  (which rules out a fair amount of people these days it seems)  

i had one relationship with someone who was a practitioner... 1/2 monk i would say, unfortunately, the bottom half, lol 

 

when we create titles for our connections it could go either way, it could help to create a container or it could feel like a trap... 

 

 

at this point, just allowing people to show up as they are is a deepening practice. 

Edited by onelotus
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I like titles (Labels).  I have a bunch of them.  But they are in a basket, not attached to me.  I pull whichever one I need out of the basket only when I need it in order to define myself more efficiently.

 

 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

At one point I had a flow chart to guide me in such matters.  A middle square queried 'Will they Sleep with me?'.   I forget if that led to a positive or negative pathway. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 05/05/2015 at 7:19 PM, OldSaint said:

IME energetic polarity between individuals seems to play a large role in attraction. It seems to play a larger role than any other factor...IMO. Keeping a balance in that polarity seems to also play a large role in maintaining the relationship.

 

Couples seem to subconsciously try and pull the other to there polarity and depolarize them....thus end up being dissatisfied with the relationship as it often results in a lack of energetic tension. It's a dance that a person should be aware of and know how to tango with...IMO. Way of the Superior Man by David Deida is an outstanding book that comments a great deal on this topic. Well worth reading. :)

 

 

That's interesting. I was wondering how well received David Deida's book would be received on here.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Some experiences i picked up from another practitioner, may be useful for others, likely men:  

 

"One of the more interesting magickal journeys i've had lately is working with the Hindu Goddess of Destruction Kali. Lot's of UPG occurred.....and while i'm usually turning into fried spiritual chicken on a regular, some of the gnosis from this was quite relevant to others as it related to dating....thus i wanted to share as i'm sure i am not the only person (particularly men) whom have struggled in this area. 

 

Perhaps the most important insight i've had during this short, intense and still evolving process with Kali is seeing the unfriendly "not nice" truth of the mating process. To be frank dating women is like dating Kali.....if you stand before her and have no fear and illusion.....then she is a warm nurturing-loving mother.....but if you have an ounce of fear, doubt or weakness (lack confidence) then she will cut off your head and make a nice little garland of your limbs.

Thus the main understanding of this aspect of working with her was that nature wants 2 possibilities for you: it wants you to evolve and grow beyond your limitations so you can be a stronger more adaptable species.....or should you not adapt (ego), it wants to exterminate you from the gene pool. It is a brutal process, evolution is a bed of purifying fire that only wants the strong and adaptable.....it's a force that is always pushing. 

 

The brutality of the "dating" game (i know i'm not the only one whom has experienced its harshness) is a lesser reflection of this same power. My main lesson from her was that no illusion or "niceness" is acceptable, no weakness will be forgiven, you must overcome all of your weaknesses (i did LOTS of internal work with her around this area) or life will slaughter you....and you deserve to be. Only after you've overcome your demons can you then dance at ease with the feminine energy and vice versa for the ladies. The game is "Evolve or Die."

 

She is an amazingly powerful deity to work with." 

 

 

 

Edited by OldSaint
  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

David Deida in his book Way of the Superior Man is IMO the best book on Masculine Spirituality ever written. The books is also a potent work to be read for all men whom are struggling with the current social programing (which is utterly apocalyptic) that surrounds the dating world at this time. Free audio book of it here: 

 

 

 

Edited by OldSaint
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 Well the 'truth' of a relationship is about perception of other(s) thru the auspices of self identification. Theoretically, the approach should be considered from the mechanism or polarity of what is or what is not. An example is to talk about what love means. Santified sexuality requires a determined harmonic between the pairing. Post 'closing the circuit' in physical terms everything is relatively unknown. The basic consideration is the illumination given/received in subtle energy transfers. A containment is typically past sexual experience.

 

The metric most easily recognized is the quality of giving without the expectation of return. I mean this in an emotional sense. Most people I meet have zero chance of intial illumination.

 

On a more esoteric level most people are very, very poor and poorly use what reserves they have. As such there are some who maintain deficits expressed as never ending hunger for power expressions often sexual.

 

So all in all, to be honest about the quality of your intention towards an other self is best. If such an expectation is established the probability towards an illuminative set of experiences is far higher. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites